Top 5 Picks in the NFL Draft: Why Most of Them Just Won't Help

Let’s Talk Draft: What teams with top 5 picks need, why they need these players and why these players, in most cases, won’t help a thing.

So let’s get this started, the Rams are on the clock…

RAMS (1-15)

Needs - Steven Jackson, Jason Smith and Chris Long watch from the training room in horror as the team plane goes down on the way back from an off season team-togetherness trip to Mexico. To rebuild quickly, the league allows the Rams to take a few players from each other NFL team to fill its roster-- like an expansion team. The Rams improve vastly at every position.

Sometimes less is actually more.

I would never actually wish this on the Rams, but I think their fans might. They need some serious, serious help. Record wise, no, but talent wise, this team is worse than the 0-16 Lions of 2009. They just are, they have no weapons except Steven Jackson, who is just collecting dust wishing he had stayed in college and was a CPA at a bank somewhere.

Should Pick - Ndamukong Suh DT Nebraska. You take Ndamukong Suh here and you thank your lucky stars. He is a force in the inside and a can’t miss. Look at the 2008 Titans, Albert Haynesworth was that team. Kerry Collins did nothing as the quarterback, he managed the games, handed the ball off, and they went 14-2. No one is denying that a quarterback has a bigger affect on a football game than a defensive lineman, but a quarterback with no help or protection develops bad habits and struggles. Take the sure thing, build a hard working no superstar team and then get a quarterback to take you to the next level.

Will Pick - Sam Bradford. Can I blame them? Yes. He is far from a sure thing, he was injured last season, he’s stick thin, he took all of his snaps from shotgun, he has curly hair… The list goes on. The reason they’ll do it? They haven’t had a real franchise quarterback since Kurt Warner and the greatest show on turf (Bulger was never thaaaaaaaaaaat good). They’re fans want it and they want their fans. So really maybe you can’t blame them. Defensive Tackle jerseys are just tough to market to skinny people.

LIONS (2-14)

The Lions have built the wrong way, offense first, and because of that they will struggle for a long time. You can’t score enough points to win in the NFL. All great teams have a defense.

 Finally some picks that seem to be paying off for the Lions.

Needs - Lions are pretty solid at QB, RB, WR and TE which is pretty shocking for a 2-14 team. Their defense on the other hand? They gave up a league worst 392.7 yards a game last year, a league worst 265 passing yards a game and an eighth worst 126 rush yards a game. They need some serious help everywhere on D. Oh, did I mention they traded Ernie Sims, their starting middle linebacker and one of their few good defenders?

Should Pick - Gerald McCoy DT, Oklahoma. They should pick him because Suh should be off the board. However, with Suh falling, you go with Suh. A great DT can change the game. He might not make the big hits, force the key fumbles or get the flashy interceptions, but Suh will draw double and triple teams, clog up the middle on runs, create one-on-one matchups for his defensive ends on the outside, and be the hardest working, biggest guy on your team.

Will Pick - Ndamukong Suh DT Nebraska. I like it. The Lions need it, they know what they are getting, there is no reason to get cute here. The Lions have messed up too many top 10 picks before.

BUCCANEERS (3-13)

Tampa Bay is really a team on the decline. A classic case of an organization who thinks they are above their players and coaches. Jon Gruden is a great NFL couch, he’s a leader and a schemer. He gets the best out of his players and Tampa thrived under him in his first year, winning the Superbowl. Then Tampa thought, we’re the best! They thought they didn’t need their stars; W. Sapp - gone, M. Pittman - gone, Keyshawn - gone, Simeon Rice - gone, J. Lynch gone, B. Johnson gone. This is a ton of talent lost, but Gruden held the team together, because he is a great coach. Then, when missing the playoff wasn’t enough, even though their record was about 5 games better than their talent dictated, they got rid of Gruden… then they went 3-13. Next year… they probably won’t win three.

Look at the Patriots, an organization that has proven to be above its players and coaches. Through all of the shuffling of coaches and players two things have remained constant; Tom Brady and Bill Belichick aren’t going anywhere. 

 Brady and Belichick aren't going anywhere.

Needs: Tampa Bay needs a QB, I know they drafted Josh Freedman last year… Okay, so QB, RB, WR, let’s speed this up, they have an old Ronde Barber, that’s about it.

Should Pick: Gerald McCoy DT, Oklahoma. Tampa Bay allowed the most rushing yards in the league last year, 158 per game. That is a good way to lose games and annoy your fans-- at least passing touchdown are quick. They need a run stopper and with Suh off the board that’s McCoy. Scouts rank him just as high as Suh on most draft boards. He is solid, you have seen him dominate in college. Take the safe impact player at three overall.

Will Pick: Gerald McCoy DT, Oklahoma. They won’t blow this one, there isn’t really a blow it pick here, who are you going to take Tebow? Haha…ha…ha… Shut it! I’m a big Tebow supporter.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS (4-12)

Here we finally have a team that falls firmly into the underachieved, will be much better next year, category. They lost five games they should have won last year and now they have a franchise quarterback in Donovan McNabb. I see this team in the playoffs next year, so what piece helps them get there?

Needs: They have some talent at WR in Santana Moss and Devin Thomas and two really solid players at TE in Chris Cooley and Fred Davis. Would Dez Bryant help? Yes, but at number four there is no way they can take him here. If they trade down, maybe he comes back into the picture. They also need some help in the defensive backfield and on the offensive line.

Should Pick: Russell Okung OT, Oklahoma St. The Redskins should protect their most recent investment with a very solid offensive tackle. It might not be flashy, but dominant offensive lines win games. We have seen a lot of great running backs and quarterbacks falter when their offensive line deteriorates.

Will Pick: Eric Berry S, Tennessee. The Redskins like to make a splash, they often ignore needs to go with a flashy talent. This team loved hard hitting Sean Taylor and they get a similar player in Eric Berry. This pick is far from thrown away, they address a defensive need in getting Berry and get a top upside talent who is ready to play right now.

 Remind you of anyone else who wore a Redskin's jersey?

Kansas City Chiefs (4-12)

Another just God awful team. I like rooting for the Chiefs, I’m not really sure why, but I do. This team was right on mark at four wins last year and they will be there for a while. They have a backup for a quarterback, a backup for a running back and well, backups for almost every other position. It’s hard to understand how it gets this bad.

 What happened to Larry Johnson? What happened to the Chiefs? Maybe Larry Johnson happened to the Chiefs.

Should Take: Russell Okung OT, Oklahoma St. or Bryan Bulaga OT Iowa. Berry would have also been an interesting choice, but with him off the board it’s time to choose which offensive tackle you like best.

Will Pick: Russell Okung OT, Oklahoma St. The Chiefs and Scott Pioli are boring, they’ll make the right pick.

I know that all teams do their homework, but I find it extremely interesting when a player falls further than anyone anticipated he would, and teams have to make decisions they didn’t really anticipate having to make. Teams didn’t expect Adrian Peterson to be around after the first three picks in 2007. As a result he fell to 7^th. Teams had to make a choice between addressing a need, one they had really wrapped their minds around and were happy with, and getting a potential game changer. The Lions, Browns, Bucs, Cardinals and Redskins erred on the side of caution. You think they regret that now? I see a lot of those same names in the top 5 of this draft.

Eff Offensive Fouls In The Butt

Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but I still enjoy taking a nice girl to dinner and a movie, I still enjoy my porn on VHS and I still enjoy basketball games that are decided by clutch jump shots, not offensive fouls! I’m all for great defense, but man up and play great defense. Why was Michael Jordan’s game winner in Game 6 of the 1998 finals so special? Because Byron Russell was busting his ass on defense but just couldn’t stay with him.

 At least Russell tried.

Tonight charges killed what could have been an epic Jazz v. Nuggets game-- It still was pretty darn good. With 1:17 left and the Jazz up 108-106, C.J. Miles flopped down on a Carmelo Anthony drive and drew an offensive foul, Carmelo’s 5^th. Yes, Melo lowered his shoulder. Yes, it was the right call. I don’t care. It was also clear that Miles was going to flop no matter what move Melo made. Miles got lucky and as an audience we missed out on a possible great Melo moment. Then but 27 seconds later, the score now 108-107 Jazz, a methodical Kyle Korver drive collided with a stationary Nene. Guess what, offensive foul. Not to worry. Don’t blink you’ll miss it. Next time down the court Korver stepped in front of Chauncey Billups and… TOOK A CHARGE. Give me a break. I get that defenders need a weapon against wildly driving guards. We’ve all played against that guy at the YMCA who just drives and calls fouls every time, but late game charges take away from great games.

 If you can't guard him, try letting him bump into you and then falling backwards.

Just like my girlfriend when she washes off her makeup, charges really take me out of the mood. It is obviously “good defense” under the current rules, but have you ever thought about how subjective a charge call is? Were the defender’s feet set? Was the defender in the cylinder? Was the offensive player in the air? Did he release the ball before contact? Did the offensive player lower his shoulder? Was the defender leaning forward? You're telling me a referee can determine all of these things in a split second? Bull! Half the time another referee is giving a different signal.

The truth is, I don’t even want a block called. I don’t care if Melo can hit two foul shots, I want to see if he can hit a step back jump shot in C.J. Miles grill! That’s the whole reason we watch the game! To see the best players get their special on.

Basketball obviously can’t get rid of the charge all together, but what if it was a foul, but the offense kept the ball? I don’t know, I don’t have the answer, but late game charges just aren’t doing it for me.

If I Was Awesome…Who Would I be? -- Sports Edition

Sometimes I think about things. Like really think. Like nothing else matters in the world except for me and my thoughts. How do I do it? First, I wait for my parents to fall asleep. They aren’t going to understand my thinking deep thoughts. When I am positive they are asleep, I start a timer and wait for two more hours to be extra certain they have entered rem sleep and are passed the eff out. When my timer rings, I sneak out my window and sprint into the woods behind my house. How do I manage to jump from a second story window each night without hurting myself? Ha! When I was little, I convinced my parents that I needed a fire escape ladder in case there was a fire in the hallway and I couldn’t get out of my room! Where’s the fire now, bitches!

Okay. So I’ve stealthily made my way out of my house and am now sprinting through the woods. I know what you simpletons are probably thinking. Why are you sprinting though the woods, won’t that make noise? OF COURSE IT WILL MAKE NOISE! Obviously, I am sprinting because I don’t want someone to hear me sneaking! If someone hears running in the woods behind their house at one in the morning they will think it’s a bear or a wild boar, not a human, especially at the rabid pace at which I am moving!

So I finally get to John Williamson Elementary about a three hour sprint from my house-- I actually think it might be in the next state over, but I have not confirmed this. While there are closer parks to my house, they all have far less cool playground equipment. At this time at night I have the entire park all to myself, aside from a homeless man who usually tries to force intercourse on me, before passing out drunk. Now fully alone, I sit down on one of the small swings, lean back, and start to sway. Soon I am really making that lightweight child’s swing set sweat-- try saying that five times while on shrooms. I’m getting some serious air that Napoleon Dynamite himself would be proud of because I’m remembering my fundamentals.  I make sure to tuck my legs on backward swings and extend them straight in front of me on forward swings. It’s pretty damn awesome.

Anyway, when I start really getting high, I close one eye, stare up into the starlit sky with the other, and I think about what it would be like if I had my closed eye open, and my open eye closed. This takes me to a deep, deep, deep deep place where I can then ask myself the real question: “What if I was awesome? -- Sports Edition.”

Sometimes it’s cool to not be awesome, but it’s always awesome to be awesome, and who is more awesome than a professional athlete? No one! Not even you Barak Obama. I know you’re reading this! Stupid White Sox cap at the Nationals game! NOT AWESOME! SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!

So here are the eight athletes I would be if I was awesome, in order of how awesome it would be.

The Awesomeness Scale, or AS to those in the know, is a combination of eight factors:

Sport (S) - What sport do you play? How awesome is that sport?

Icon Status (IS) - Are you an icon? How many people I talk to each day know you’re awesome?

Sex Life x2 (SL) - Are you making use of your awesomeness?

World Wide Appeal (WWA) - If I say your name in Somalia will someone say, “dude is awesome!”?

Swagger x3 (SWAG) - Do you let everyone know that you are awesome? Do you make them mad? Do you make them try harder, even try to cheat…and then still beat them?

People who aren’t awesome can’t have swagger, when they try it is called being lame or being a douche. If you are awesome, you need to let your two big swaggernuts hang low! That is what being awesome is really truly about.

Awesome Consolation List -- Sports Edition

For making the consolation list an athlete gets the knowledge that he was considered, his AS, and one line to explain why he isn’t as cool as I, or he, previously thought he was. For those who didn’t make the list, look in the mirror, how is you making out for you? My guess is not all that well.

29. Georges St. Pierre - S - 5, IS - 4, SL - 3, WWA - 6, SWAG - 3 = AS - 3.75

- That Under Armour suit he wears in that commercial makes me uncomfortable.

28. Ichiro - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 2, WWA - 7, SWAG - 2 = AS - 4.375

- Maybe it’s the language barrier or could it be the fact that his wife is a two…

27. Roger Federer - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 1, WWA - 9, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.625

- She looks like a really…nice woman… I’m sure she’s nice…Yeah… nice...

26. Michael Phelps - S - 4, IS - 10, SL - 6, WWA - 8, SWAG - 4 = AS - 5.75

- If he sat next to me on the bus, I might move, nay, I would move.

 This suit also makes me more than a little bit uncomfortable.

25. Brock Lesnar - S - 5, IS - 5, SL - 5, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 5.75

- I wouldn’t climb into a ring or a bed with him. Would you?

24. Lance Armstrong - S - 3, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 10, SWAG - 5 = AS - 5.75

- It’s not not the testicle things… not not…

23. Manny Pacquiao - S - 10, IS - 6, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.875

- You are awesome. Just in a different way…

22. Tim Lincecum - S - 10 (pitcher), IS - 7, SL - 4, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.375

- Spends a little too much time hanging out with his dad. I love my dad but... Hot chicks Timmy!

21. Laird Hamilton - S - 10, IS - 3, SL - 4, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 6.5

- Could-- Should be so much higher, but the numbers do the talking.

Hey, he got a 10 for sport!

20. Sidney Crosby - S - 5, IS - 7, SL - 7, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 6.5

- For a cool guy, very punchable.

19. Dwight Howard - S - 8, IS - 7, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.5

- He wants on this list way too bad.

18. Steve Nash - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.625

- Love this guy, but as cool guys go. He’s in the middle of the pack.

17. Adrian Peterson - S - 9, IS - 6, SL - 6, WWA - 4, SWAG - 8 = AS - 6.875

- Some people still don’t know who “All Day” AP is. I know you AP, I know you.

16. Alex Ovechkin - S - 5, IS - 6, SL - 4, WWA - 7, SWAG - 10 = AS - 7

- Unreal to watch, too bad it’s hockey. Also, he met one of his girl friend’s online. WHA?!

15. Dwyane Wade - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 7, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.125

- My favorite basketball player, but too nice of a guy. Get back up Dwyane, get back up!

14. Albert Pujols - S - 9, IS - 8, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.125

- Have you seen his wife… Ahh… Albert? News Flash! Girls want to tell other girls that you were inside of them!

13. Rafael Nadal - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.25

- Doesn’t have enough “in your face” game.

 I'm not greedy. I'd take Nadal in my awesome fantasy-life draft.

12. Evan Longoria - S - 9, IS - 5, SL - 7, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.375

- Do you mean Eva Longoria? That’s what my girlfriend said… Well, if I had one, she might have said something like that.

11. Kobe Bryant - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.5

- Does something about Kobe annoy you? You’re not alone.

Did anyone else like Kobe more when he had hair?

The Awesome Ten -- If I was awesome. These are the top ten people I would be! -- Sports Edition.

10. Tom Brady - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 7, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.75

Tom just does his thing. Easy, breezy, beautiful, Tom Brady. As far as sports go, it doesn’t get much better than football. As far as football positions go, it doesn’t get much better than quarterback. As far as quarterbacks go, it doesn’t get much better than three Super Bowl rings. As far as girlfriends go, it doesn’t get much better than Gisele. When I think “baller,” I think skills, grace, looks…I think Tom Brady. You can’t question Tom at number 10, he’s just awesome.

  If tapping that every night doesn’t get you into the top ten, there shouldn’t be a top 10

9. Alex Rodriguez - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 7, WWA - 9, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.875

A Rod has A LOT of short comings. Fortunately for him, they weren’t what I was judging awesomeness on. A Rod has been a household name for more than a decade because… oh yeah, he’s built like Achilles, he’s the highest paid player in baseball, check-it, sports, he plays for the New York Yankees -- finally getting the fans off his back for good last season winning the playoff MVP award -- he was hooking up with Kate Hudson and (cough) Madonna (she’s an icon people, please), and lets not forget he’s best buds with The Captain (maybe a slight exaggeration).

 Okay, ARod, okay... Well, maybe not okay.

He may have cheated baseball, but he definitely didn’t cheat his way onto this list. A Rod is about as awesome as they come.

8. Lionel Messi - S - 9, IS - 4, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.875

Eleven goals in 5 games - gets - your - dick - wet! Like soaking wet! Like Wilt Chamberlain in Jenna Haze in a Hurricane wet. That is ridiculous. You could argue that it is a more impressive feat than hitting 11 homeruns in five games. You’d be wrong, but you could argue it.

Soccer is a world wide sport. People love the other football in every country except the good ‘ole USA. Messi is arguably the best footballer in the world. Therefore he is arguable the best athlete in the world. See how I did that? How would it feel to be the best athlete in the world at 22? Pretty awesome I’d guess, and it would be awesome to feel awesome. Also, he has a model for a girlfriend, and although I am anti-girlfriend, if you have to have one, she might as well be a model and she might as well look like this…

 Uhhh... Yes, please.

7. Derek Jeter - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 7.875

The - Captain. He is the face of the greatest sports team in the US, the New York Yankees. I don’t care where you are from, including New England, you can’t honestly try and argue this. Yeah, in LA they think it’s the Lakers, in Dallas, the Cowboys, in Boston, the Red Sox, or the Patriots, or the Celtics, or BC, or anyone else but the Yankees. Everywhere else, it’s the Yankees. Derek Jeter has won five World Series titles and like a champion has managed to stay unmarried the entire time. His girlfriend list looks like the casting call for an Ocean’s movie: Mariah Carey, Former Miss Universe Lara Dutta (she’s probably not that hot though…right?), Joy Enriquez, Jordana Brewster, Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba. Why would any sports star ever get married!!! Jeter isn’t even good looking!!! (Derek, if you’re reading this I am so sorry I just said that!)

 He's no 10, that's for sure.

If Jeter would ever just swing his thick three foot schlong over his shoulder and strut around the field to accrue some better SWAG points, he’d be #1 on this list, but he won’t, and that’s part of why he’s so awesome. It just keeps him from being…the awesome-est.

6. David Beckham - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 10, SWAG - 7 = AS - 8.125

Love him or hate him, David Beckham is kind of awesome. We, America, might hate him, but he did put the MLS on the map for about 7 minutes -- Hey, Landon Donovan and Freddy Adu couldn’t do it -- What the hell happened to that dude, Freddy Adu? Wasn’t he supposed to be the next Pele? There’s still time… -- Beckham’s wife, an evil word to awesomeness, Victoria Beck, is smoking fine! Smoking hot and fine as hell at the same time. David Beckham’s abs make me want to get in shape. I stress want to. If you’re driving around with your wife and you see a billboard of David Beckham, and she doesn’t think he’s good looking. Pull over and drop her the eff off, because she is one wack ass bitch! How can you trust her to raise your child if her eye’s and brain are miss communicating so severely?

He plays a kick ass sport -- yeah, soccer kicks ass when the players are good and the games actually matter -- he is known in the US and around the world, he’s married to a Barbie doll… I’d say that’s pretty awesome. If I was awesome, I would love to be David Beckham.

 If a girl walks in and sees this, you're getting some.

5. Lebron James - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.125

“The King.” He got that nickname in high school, that and “The Chosen One.” He started drawing comparisons to Michael Jordon in the third grade, I’m sure some loser said it, and he’s actually coming close to backing them up. He is simply a man, and because of that, he is the man. His numbers are a joke! He averages more assists than most point guards, more rebounds than most centers and 29.7 points a game, second in the league.

He does it all with the Swagger of… Well, of Lebron James. No one has ever had more fun playing the game. He dances before games, on the bench, jokes with fans. If he wasn’t so damn good he would be a huge swaggot -- yes, I just created this word, I guarantee you hear someone else say it in less than a month. It’s going to be HUGE…

Swaggot -  |’swag•got| (n.) A person who exhibits cocky, “look at me” behaviors that his skill level, or the game situation, do not warrant: 1.Why is that running back celebrating his one yard touchdown run with his team down 42 points? Hmmmm…maybe because he’s a swaggot? 2. Milton Bradley is a swaggot.

Boy it would be awesome to be Lebron…if he wasn’t dating a 4. Awkward…

You can't see the basket, you can't see the floor. You know it was awesome!

4. Tony Romo - S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 10, WWA - 3, SWAG - 9 = AS - 8.25

WHAT?!? Tony Romo at number four, that’s crazy! He’s not even one of the ten best players in the NFL! Well maybe that’s not what this is about, maybe, just maybe, dude is really effing awesome! Let’s play word association - Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Sophia Bush, Candice Crawford -- Girls I would pay to get with.

 That's...a game changer.

Are you serious?!?! What is awesomeness for, if not for getting hot, famous chicks? Four years ago, he was an Eastern Illinois graduate, i think he graduated, and a third string quarterback in the NFL. Now he’s the starting QB of America’s Team and the hot blonds are lining up. Talk about rags to riches!!! The kicker? He does it all with a smile on his face and a strut in his step. He loves what he does, is great at it, and KNOWS IT! Tony, I would love to be you if I was Awesome!

3. Tiger Woods - S - 6, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 10, SWAG - 8 = AS - 8.5

We’ve all heard too much about how shitty Tiger Wood’s life is recently, let’s look at the positives. He is married to a fox. Elin is smoking hot, she was a model, she still could be. While married to her, he has still been getting with every other decent looking woman he sees. Sounds pretty sweet to me. Whether you believe he shouldn’t have been doing it, he shouldn’t have gotten caught, or everything is peachy. What it has done is really put Tiger Woods on the map in Laos, Bangladesh and Estonia, the three countries with people who didn’t know who he was already. (side note: I believe that he shouldn’t have done it, but if no one knows about it, it’s like it’s not actually happening.)

As much as you hate Tiger, by my grading system, he’s pretty awesome. Golf is a pretty great sport, Tiger is an icon everywhere in the world, his sex life is more than legit, maybe not anymore, but…he’s bigger than his sport and has no one to thank except himself, and maybe Steve Williams and Butch Harmon, but really just himself, and I hate thanking people so that’s a definite plus.

Currently, maybe not that awesome, but if I was awesome a few years ago, or a few years in the future, I’d be Tiger.

 I don't know about current Tiger, but this Tiger... Living the good life.

2. Usain Bolt - S - 10, IS - 8, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 11 = AS - 8.5

Really? A sprinter? That’s not that cool. Wrong. Fastest Man Alive is one of the coolest titles there is along with Best Halo Player and Best Beirut Shot. Can you imagine being Usain Bolt at a high school party that is getting busted by the cops? He would be pulling away from cop cars on foot! That is awesome.

I notice I gave him an 11 for Swag. That’s weird, I thought it was out of 10. It was, and then Usain Bolt changed things in the Olympics, on the biggest stage, by high stepping to a world record in the 100 meter and then showboating before the 200m and smashing Michael Johnson’s unbreakable world record. No one is better at what they do by as much as Usain Bolt. Michael Phelps has a lot of Olympic bling, but he had help from teammates and the luck of that average dude who’s married to Marisa Miller. Phelps wasn’t blowing people away, he was edging them out by hundredths of seconds. Bolt makes other world class sprinters look like they are standing still. He pulls away like no one we’ve ever seen and he flaunts it. He is known all over the world and even though he’s dating a suspect honey…I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt that relationships are more laid back in Jamaica man. It would best super awesome to be Usain "The Bolt" Bolt.

 'nuff said.

Finally, the number one person it would be awesome to be, if I was awesome…

1. Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro -- S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 8, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.875

I just lost a lot of friends, but the numbers don’t lie. Sometimes when people hate you it’s because you suck, other times it’s because they are jealous and want to be you. If you don’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo you better be in the top ten of this list. Sorry to pick on Michael Phelps, but if Michael Phelps doesn’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo, he’s an idiot. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid footballer ever, he must be top 10 in the world looks wise, is only 25, is known everywhere, and every time you see a picture of him there is a beautiful woman on his arm. EVERY FREAKING TIME!

Please tell me what this guy doesn’t have? The love and affection of every single person in the world? Good, I want to be a bad boy. Would you rather be Payton Manning or Tony Romo? Take your Super Bowl ring and close nit family, Payton, I’ll take Candice Crawford. Being awesome is about being awesome, it’s about making people want to be you, not making friends. I’m not picking someone I want to lead my family in prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, that’s a no brainer, it’s Tim Tebow. I’m picking someone who I wouldn’t let my daughter near, who I wouldn’t feel 100% comfortable being friends with, who makes me think that God doesn’t actually spend the same amount of time on all of us. Maybe I’m just a nice guy and I’ll never be awesome, but out on that swing set at four in the morning, swinging way higher than is safe for a grown ass man to swing, thinking about what it would be like and who I would be if I was awesome. I think about Cristiano Ronaldo because simply put, dudes the shit.

Making straight dudes on swing sets everywhere question their sexuality.

If you think anyone was left off this list, I don’t care what you think, because you’re not awesome. You’re not out there every night on that swing set busting your ass to swing higher than ever before. So you don’t get a damn vote!

Sport that kill...YOU

Watching the honorary starters tee off at this year’s Masters, I began to think, not about the unbelievable history of the Masters, or of the remarkable legacies that Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer have left on the game of golf. What I began to visualize was a screaming duck hook piercing into the crowd, striking a small child in the head, knocking him off his father’s shoulders and nearby patrons crowding around his lifeless body like it was an errant Tiger Wood’s tee shot. Thankfully, it didn’t happen and realistically, with Nicklaus and Palmer being only 70 and 80 respectively, it wasn’t going to. Nonetheless, in past years Sam Sneed has teed it up at 89, Byron Nelson swung away at 89 and, bless his soul, Gene Sarazen somehow managed an attempt each year until he was 97! I’m not saying those balls are exactly firing off the club face, but placed directly into a child’s temple…it could do some serious damage. Please don’t tell me that they were professional golfers. A 97 YEAR OLD MAN HAS NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE THE BALL IS GOING!

You're going to tell me Gene knew where this ball was going?

So I pose the question: What is the most dangerous sport to spectate? If you roll to the stadium or the ballpark or the course with your son on a Saturday afternoon. Which sports pose the greatest risk of you never making it home?

Most sports, obviously, pose no threat at all to their spectators -- this would be a serious issue. Still, there are a few sports that do offer a small amount of risk. A dangerous sport for a player is not necessarily a dangerous sport for a spectator; football, rugby, freebase rock climbing, boxing... These are all sports with high injury risk for players, but none for the fans.

 Football: Dangerous for him, not for you.

What we are looking for are sports where the actual sport being played poses the risk to the spectators. It seems like soccer fans are always dying, but those deaths are stadium or other spectator related, so soccer will not be making this list. Soccer is used to taking it on the chin, they’ll get through this.

Here is a list of the sports that the risk averse should consider skipping:


5. NASCAR

Not only is NASCAR painfully unentertaining, but it’s incredibly dangerous for everyone involved. Fans and spectators are separated by a chain link fence. A CHAIN LINK FENCE!!! Forty-three cars are whipping around a narrow race track at over 200 mph and safety experts have determined that a chain link fence is all that is needed to protect patrons a few feet away? Tires have killed fans, that has happened, that is a fact, but what about scraps of metal, bolts, screws, broken glass, flipping cars, fires? Not only are you watching something you could see on the side of the highway -- people driving fast! -- but there is an added risk of injury or death.

Worth it: Doesn’t seem like it to me.

 If you looked really quickly might you think this was NASCAR?

4. Hockey

Okay, we’ve upgraded to glass blocking objects from hitting spectators, and pucks aren’t as dangerous as sharp pieces of metal. So we’re good, right? No, not even a little, because in this sport, players are firing slap shots at 80 to 90 mph and other players are actually trying to deflect them. Fans are one high or poorly deflected slap shot away from a trip to the hospital. I have actually been to a hockey game where a girl took a puck to the face! Lucky for the Devils she was a tank and shook it off. If that puck had struck me they would not have been as lucky.

Worth it: Hmmmm… If Washington or Pittsburgh are playing, it’s worth it, otherwise, too risky.

 Why is he smiling!!! It looks like he's been shot!!! I know why. Too much hockey.

3. Skeet Shooting, Trap Shooting, Sporting Clays (Any other sport where someone has a gun)

For those who don’t know, these are all competitive shotgun shooting competitions that are in the Olympics, I could also have throw Biathlon in here, but I like it too damn much. Bottom line, when someone has a gun, it’s more dangerous than it needs to be. I don’t want to be there when this guy is told that he foot faulted and he still has three rounds left in the chamber.

Worth it: Definitely not!

 Does this guy look like he wants to play sports? I don't think so.

2. Baseball

Have you been to the ballpark recently? Did you sit in one of the first few rows down the first or third baselines? That is no joke! My parents are getting older and I honestly don’t think it’s safe for them to hold those seats anymore. You need to be a fucking ninja to sit there. It should be like the exit row on a plane, you can’t just be willing, you have to be able as well. My parents don’t react to foul balls until they are well into the stands. A foul ball could strike them in the face before they realized that a pitch had been thrown. So when we go to the ballpark I always have to be on my toes when lefties come up. The problem is that part of me knows -- the realistic part -- that I won't catch the ball, I'll just deflect it into someone else's face. Which is better, but not an apology I'm comfortable making.

Me - "Yeah, I'm really sorry. It was headed at my mother... I tried to catch it... It kind of had a knuckling action to it, even if I'd had a glove I'm not sure if..."
Injured Paton -"FUCK OFF CHUCK KNOBLAUCH!"
Me - "Actually, Knoblauch's glove wasn't really the problem. It was his throws to first that--"
(I get punched in the face)

Worth it: Yes, just sit a little further back or pull a John Olerud.

 You think John Olerud was ready for a foul ball? He wore a helmet in the field!

1. The Running of the Bulls

You have to be one brave son of a bitch or clinically insane to run with the bulls in Pamplona. You have to be just as brainless to stand along the fence and root for the maniacs and bulls running past. The bulls don’t know who is playing the game, hell, they don’t even know it’s a game. They are trying to kill the annoying people in their way and if that person is against the fence, they are going to try and spear that person. If they spear you…I just don’t think they really care.

Worth it: It has got to be fun watching people run from bulls in fear, but please, for the love of God, watch from someone’s balcony and not right up against the fence.

 You think this bull cares about your feelings?

Please, don’t think that I hate these sports. Unless I said otherwise, I think these are dynamite sports, I just think there are risks involved with watching them, especially from the good seats. Then again, you have a much better chance of dying on the way to the stadium than you do of dying while you’re there. So buckle up!

Next Entry: Top Ten Ways to Get Laid While Riding A Horse

I'll Be Rooting for Tiger. Will You?

Tiger -- Woods if you've forgotten -- is making his return to golf this Thursday at the Masters and I for one am really excited. Excited, not only for myself, but for him. Tiger has been on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride for five months now and once you reach the age of ten, Disney rides really start to blow. When I was seven Space Mountain was the scariest fucking ride I'd ever experienced. I sat in the first row and -- I'm crossing my fingers no Disney ride operators are reading this -- actually urinated in my pants as I whipped around that pitch black room. Five years later, riding in the same front car (I figure they must wash them, right?), the room wasn't even that dark! The ride was lame! It's the same way for Tiger except he didn't choose to go on the ride in the first place.

 That little girl has no idea what happened in that front row some ten years prior.

Yes, Tiger cheated on his wife a couple of times -- let's say 25 assuming a few mistresses haven't come forward yet. Yes, he took Ambien and other drugs to spice up the sex -- You would too if you'd known you could. I know this because more and more patients have been asking their doctors for Ambien citing that they are having trouble sleeping, and finally, yes, he wrote this text message, "You are my fucking whore. Hold you down while I choke you."

Please, before you judge him, look at the grammar of that text message. It's barely English! ESL students have a better command of the English language! I've heard Tiger give hundreds of press conferences, he is extremely well spoken. So something must have been wrong. What makes people act differently? What keeps people from living up to their usual high standards? Diseases! Would you shun someone with Cancer? I sure hope not. So how can we be mad at Tiger?

He's sick people! Or was sick...I think.

As Tiger has said several times, he attended rehab for "personal reasons." What his close friends and family know is that addictions had taken over his life. As we have all heard by now, Tiger is addicted to sex and drugs, one more deadly than the other. Step off your pedestal for a second and think what it must be like to find yourself physically unable to resist beautiful, even moderately okay looking, women. Then, in her clutches, being unable to say no when she suggests doing drugs to spice up the sex? I've never spoken to a beautiful woman, so I wouldn't know about that, but drugs scare me, especially drugs that were prescribed by a Doctor to help you sleep. What if they put you to sleep...forever!

Tiger has two diseases, and when he finishes rehab he will be cured of these diseases and be good old Tiger again. He will be even stronger for overcoming life altering-- BULL SHIT!!!

I want everyone to know that everything I have said so far is absolute BULL SHIT!!! Except my taking a wiz in my pants on Space Mountain when I was seven, that's the real deal. Tiger Woods is not a drug addict and Tiger Woods is most definitely not a sex addict. Those claims were made by his publicist for one reason. Diseases can be cured a lot easier than character flaws. Tiger fucked up. A lot of times, but in reality only one. When Tiger cheated for the first time, I bet he felt horrible, I bet he played horrible at his next tournament and finished...third or fourth, but then nothing happened. He got away with it, and suddenly it was okay. I'm not saying that cheating twenty-five times isn't worse than cheating once, it is. It's just not twenty-five times worse. It's maybe...twice as bad. Cheaters cheat until they get caught, that's life. Call me naive, but now that he’s been caught, I would be very surprised if Tiger ever cheats again. As for the prescription drugs, if he wasn't the most famous athlete in the world it wouldn't even be a story.

With the Masters two days away, we have to start envisioning Tiger back on the golf course. Everyone hates Tiger now; people are going to be rooting against him with all of their might, but me? I'm going to be pulling for Tiger this week.

 Tiger always makes the pressure putt. Always.

I'm not going to use Tiger as a role model for my kids, but I watch sports for memories, not these imaginary kids I just made up, and Tiger winning the Masters would be an unforgettable one. I play a game every time Tiger is in a position to win a tight golf tournament. I call it the “if he misses this putt he’s not Tiger Woods anymore” game. Guess what? He’s still Tiger Woods. He makes the putt every time. Now if he wins the Masters after five months away from the game and a laundry list of issues that Lindsey Lohan would respect…  It’ll be like this little hiccup never even happened and we'll all have our Tiger back. Except Elin...that unfortunately will never be the same.

Don't Change 64: You're Perfect the Way You Are

Am I wrong here? It was called Nintendo 64, right? Not Nintendo 96. It's arguably the best system of all time. Its graphics transcended gaming. Its controller fit in your hand like no controller had before -- unless you consider your penis a controller... yeah, you probably don't -- It gave us games that are still fun over ten years later; Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64, Golden Eye, Perfect Dark, Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Super Smash Brothers...the list goes on. If something is that perfect, why would you change it?

 This system brought a lot of people a lot of joy. All 64-bits.

If you haven't realized by now, I'm not actually talking about Nintendo 64 -- I was, but now I'm going to pretend that it was an analogy for the NCAA Tournament. Here I go. -- What I’m really talking about is the NCAA tournament, more specifically it's field of 64 (cough), 65 teams. Four regions of sixteen teams apiece, equaling three weekends of bliss. It's as close to perfection as Jessica Alba, and now the NCAA is considering changing it. But why?

I understand why Heidi Montag had her entire body reshaped with ten plastic surgery procedures in one day. She wasn’t hot and she wanted to be. Nice… effort... I guess… But that’s like the NIT. No, more like the College Basketball Invitational (CBI)-- a postseason basketball tournament below the NIT and CIT that no one even knows exists -- deciding to employ a new seeding structure for its teams. I don’t care, but since no one likes you, spicing things up is probably a smart play. But if you’re the Mecca of sporting events, the Abraham Lincoln of tournaments, the Mt. Everest of entertainment, the Jessica Alba of my life, why the hell would you change? There is only one answer. Money.

Here are 64 (cough), 65 reasons why the tournament should not expand:

1. The Bracket! I respect any purist out there who doesn’t fill out a bracket. It shouldn’t be about your bracket, it should be about the underdogs, the buzzer beaters, the seniors getting their last chance at immortality. But for so many it is. My sister would not watch March Madness if she wasn’t in a pool, the lady who sits next to me at work wouldn’t care if I didn’t force her to fill out a bracket, my cousin watches every game and he hates basketball. Deny it if you want, hate it if you will, the bracket is as big a part of March as anything. Ruin the bracket, ruin the Madness.

2. I don’t care about the 31 next best teams! We watch March Madness to see the best and to see the Cinderella’s. We don’t watch to see underachieving major conference teams knock off the winners of small conferences and then get pumped by the Kentuckys and Syracuses. I want to see the small schools play the big boys.


3. 64 is the perfect number! Round One: Four Regions of 16 - 16 - 16 -16. Round Two: 8 - 8 - 8 - 8. Sweet Sixteen: 4 - 4 - 4 - 4. Elite Eight: 2 - 2 - 2 - 2. Final Four: 1 - 1 - 1 - 1. Then the Finals. Doesn’t that work out well? Which brings me to…


4. 96 doesn’t work. 96 divided by 4 is 24, so 24 teams a region. Twelve win in the first round… then six… then three… Notice a problem? What they are going to do is have 64 teams play for 32 spots in the tournament. Thirty-two play-in games. No one wants that.


5. Some teams are going to play fewer games. It’s six wins to the NCAA Championship. It’s the only fair way! Everyone is on an equal playing field.


6. There will still be bubbles burst. The 97th, 98th and 99th teams will still complain that they should have gotten in. If you want to get in, then do more!

7. Mid-Major conference tournaments won’t mean as much. For me, March Madness starts when the conference tournaments start. An elimination conference tournament game is almost as good as an NCAA tournament game. These teams really want it! If both of these teams are already in the tournament field under the new format… We don’t get to watch a great game.

8. Villanova -- It will only hurt higher seeds, making them play an extra game. Remember when Villanova won as an eight seed? I don’t because I was 6 weeks old, but around tourney time my dad never shuts up about it.

9. The Dance would lose it’s reward factor. If you make it into the field of 64, wow. It must be an awesome feeling. You really earned something. If you make it into an expanded field of 96…it just doesn’t feel as special. When you ask out the nerdy girl with no friends, a “yes” doesn’t mean anything. When you ask out the prom queen, a “yes” means everything.

10. The Selection Show would take too long! I don’t have three hours to listen to Greg Gumbel each year. I only have one.

11. George Mason. Probably wouldn’t see anything like #11 George Mason making the Final Four again. But who cares about that?

 For some reason I don’t think Tony Skinn would change a thing.

12. #12 seeds upset #5 seeds 33% of the time. But that probably doesn’t interest you.

13. Four #13 seeds have made the sweet sixteen since the tournament was expanded in 1985. If the tournament is expanded that accomplishment would now take three games. Oh well, I’ll only be missing out on some of the greatest moments of my life.

14. #14 Ohio knocked off #3 Georgetown this year. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!!!

15. Four #15 seeds have defeated #2 seeds. Richmond, Santa Clara, Coppin State and Hampton. I bet that felt pretty good. 

16. I’m still waiting for the first #16 to do it! A sixteen seed will beat a one seed one day, and I’ll be watching. Don’t take that away from me.

17. The team that loses the play-in game doesn’t even feel like they made the tournament. “Great season guys, making the tournament was great, that was a great Arkansas Pine Bluff team. What can you do” - Someone from Winthrop. Give me a break. They don’t even feel like they made the tournament. Don’t do that to thirty-one more teams!

18. People already don’t show up to watch the first round! I say this having never actually been to a tournament game myself -- It’s just too great watching it on TV -- but the crowd is already sparse at many opening round sites. Who is going to show up for a play in game between Virginia Tech and Rhode Island, and please don’t tell me one of the teams would get to play the game at home. This isn’t the NIT.

19. There are nineteen days from start to finish of the tournament. Not counting the play-in game that no one watches. Let’s not run too far into softball season, OKAY GUYS?!

20. We’re going to have to think of new names for rounds. Since teams will have to win to get to the field of 64, we have to give it a name. The suitable sixty-four? That sounds worse than butt-sex with Lexington Steele.

21. I’ve been watching the NCAA tournament for twenty-one years and never been disappointed. That means I started at three. That’s legit, right?

22. Joe Lunardi can’t keep track of 96 teams! Are you crazy?! Actually Joe probably can. I'm more worried about my mom.

We wouldn't throw you under the bus Joe... Or would we?

23. My Excel Spreadsheet won’t work! A few year ago I constructed an excel spreadsheet that allows me to weight different stats and then it determines who should win each game. I don’t think I could make another one.

24. It’ll throw off my auction strategy. Right now I have my 8-12 team auction strategy down pat. Change it to 96 teams and it’s back to the drawing board.

25. Ashley Judd can’t attend another round of games! And if Ashley Judd’s not there Kentucky is pretty much playing 4 on 5.

 Remember Double Jeopardy? Yeah, that movie wasn't that good.

26. Aren’t these Student Athletes? Not that I care, but this is a few more days they are missing class. Put your hands up all those parents out there!

27. The Refs! Does no one ever think about the refs?! They can’t referee that many games in one week. It’s not healthy.

28. My grandfather has arthritis and can’t circle that many games. Do you not want my grandfather to be able to participate? Is that what this is about?!?

29. The women’s tournament might follow! If the men’s tournament going to 96 would make me mad, the women’s tournament going to 96 might be too much for me to handle. What if I accidentally turned on a #24 v. #9 play-in matchup? Would there be reason to go on?

30. Stephan Curry. Would he have made his run if he’d had to win another game? Would he have been so special?

 Playing college basketball for Davidson at seven years old, Stephon Curry brought us all a lot of joy.

31. It will piss off Doug Gottlieb. Have you seen this guy mad? You don't want to.

32. Rutgers still won’t make it! So I still won’t have a team near and dear to my heart to root for!

33. Great records will be broken. As we add more and more games we lose track of the history of the tournament. Most points in an individual tournament, Glen Rice, 184 in 1989. If the tournament expands, say good bye to your record Glen.

34. How many times I’ll say “this is lame” during the first crappy play-in game I watch between Pepperdine and Northeastern. 

35. I can’t get Tuesday off work too!!! What the hell is this? You want me to lose my job?

36. We’d have to change the tournament’s theme song! We’d have to change it from “One Shining Moment” sung so beautifully by Luther Vandross and now Jennifer Hudson to “Circus” by Brittney Spears.

 Britney has always hinted that she'd love to sing the NCAA Tournament's theme song.

37. The Bracket won’t fit on one piece of paper! I can’t carry around two pieces of paper with me for a month! That’s ridiculous!

38. My girlfriend watches American Idol on Tuesday nights! And she’s huge!

39. The tournament is paced perfectly. I sit down on my couch on Thursday morning and get up Sunday night. Then I have three days to make sure my legs don’t atrophy before I do it again. I love basketball, but I don’t know if I can handle two more days.

40. I could handle it. But could my body? Let’s get one thing straight, I could definitely handle it, but my body might not be able to. I eat more junk food for four days than any person should. It turns out gummy bears and jelly beans don’t have any nutritional value. I don’t want March Madness to kill me.

41. Jessica Alba told me in a dream that she doesn’t want it to change…then we boned.

I was lying. Jessica actually turned me down in my dream. Am I the only one getting rejected all the time in his dreams?

42. I can’t take anymore heart ache! If I put my heart and soul behind ten to twelve more teams that lose… I just might not be able to pull myself off the floor.

43. If Jay Bilas is against it, I’m against it. 

44. Coach K is for it, I’m against it - Love you Wojo.

45. Let’s not forget how great N64 was. 

I spent three solid weeks beating this game. Would I do it again? In a second.

46. Because if the tournament was 96 teams I could not have written this post. It would have been too hard. Thinking of 96 reasons not to eat your own feces is hard. Thinking of even five is really tough. 1. It tastes bad. 2. It’s poisonous. 3. It will make your breath smell bad. 4. If anyone finds out you become “the kid who eats his own poop” and that has to hurt your chances with girls. 5. No drinks go well with shit. Okay, five was do able.

47. Our country already uses too much electricity. Can we really afford to expand the field before we discover some new sources of renewable energy?

 I'm thinking something with a hamster and a wheel, but it's still in the experimental stages.

48. Look what happened last time people demanded more...

 This too could have been avoided.

49. Look at what happened the time before that!

 Will people never learn?!?!

50. In-N-Out Burger refuses to expand to the east coast and everyone still loves them. 

51. Dick Vitale’s head might explode… is that a pro or a con? Just kidding, I love Dicky V (in small doses) and he’s for expansion… but still…

52. There is not enough “One Shining Moment” to go around! If we find a way not to change songs, how are we going to get all the extra shining moments in? Are we going to play it twice? God forbid we take out the clips of the crowd, bands and fans that make the video so special. Oh, wait...this round isn't going to provide any more shining moments. Nevermind.

53. The NIT would lose out on all of it’s really compelling matchups… ha… ha… hahahaha.

54. Don’t ever compare the NCAA tournament to college football bowl season again! I know that 68 out of 119 Division I Football Subdivision teams earn bowl bids! That’s why the bowls don’t matter at all. They need to adopt a 16 team March Madness like tournament!

55. Watching the bubble is really exciting. I actually derive a lot of pleasure from watching the bubble. Don’t take that from me.

56. Movies about the tournament would now suck! Wait a second, what’s the last good movie about the NCAA tournament? What’s the last movie about it period?

57. It would take even more attention away from the Frozen Four… What hockey calls it’s last four teams left… It’s being played right now… The college hockey tournament… Nevermind.

58. and 59. The Feres twins like things how they are. They told me.

 I'm not sure why, but I trust the Feres twins.

60. SportsCenter is only an hour long. Think of Scott Van Pelt for a second people!

61. What if an NBA prospect got injured in that extra game? That would suck! (Reaching... further...)

62. You should never ruin a great thing just for more money. How is this number 62?!?!

63. I’m going to get fired and arrested for punching a coworker in the face for telling me about the unreal Washington State v. Grambling State play-in game that took place the previous night. 

64. (cough) 65 is perfection. Let’s be real for a second, play-in winner doesn’t count.

65. Because it’s hard to think up 65 reasons for anything, this took a long-ass time, and I don’t want it to change!

Dear Jessica Alba (I’m really talking about the NCAA Tournament),

Everyone thinks you’re perfect the way you are. Please don’t change just because other people are telling you that bigger breasts and collagen injections would help you make more money. I think your tight frame and subtle lips are two of your best features.

Your Friend,
Everyone

If we all hold hands maybe we can stop this. I'm leaning probably not though.