Wednesday, July 14, 2010

You’re at Work! Clean Up Your Act!

We let athletes get away with anything! If they say something dumb, they were in the heat of the moment. If they cheat on their wife, it was one bad decision. If they murder someone, it was assisted suicide. Enough! I tell one receptionist that she’s got a smoking hot ass and I can’t go within 100 yards of a Neiman Marcus. Enough! If I can’t do it at my job, athletes shouldn’t be able to do it at theirs.

Here are some sporting acts that should definitely not be allowed in the work place.

Inappropriate Touching - The Upper Hand Ball Massage

Quarterbacks and centers have had an inappropriate work relationship for a long time. You are touching his balls. No, you are gently resting your hand on the underside of his ball sack and holding, which quite frankly is worse. No one wears butt pads anymore and I know a few guys who don’t even wear cups. No wonder more quarterbacks are calling their audibles from under center. How do you think the left guard feels? He sees this every day, in the cubicle next door and he’s too scared to say anything. Please, for all of our sakes, put in some more shotgun packages.


Dress Code - Really? That's what you wore? This is work!

There really isn't anything to say here. This outfit does not foster a healthy working environment. End of story.

You try doing your job with her jumping around in that.

The Straddling Hump - into Standing Hump

Only in wrestling would this be a standard move. Let me get this straight, we’re going to put on spandex, something I would never ever wear at any other time in my life, I’m going to kneel on the ground…and you’re going to kneel right behind me and try to take me to the ground? Who was the dude that was like “YES! I LOVE IT. How do we make this happen?” 90% of wrestling take downs involve some sort of humping technique. What if 90% of conference calls involved some sort of hand to breast contact? I don’t think we’d be making many conference calls.

 There are no winners when two men in spandex take this position

Sexual Harassment - Groin to the Facial AKA OHHHHH IN THE FACE!!!!

This tall…kind man was just trying to do his job. He is a basketball player, and he takes his job very seriously. And then this…

 You think Vince ever though about what the other guy wanted?

...a groin is shoved into his face at high speeds. That’s even worse than at slow speeds. You don’t see it coming, you have no time to react, you just take it, and guess what? 50,000 people are watching…AND THEY CHEER. No one has the balls to say something to the jerk who did it. Typical!

Who is going to take a stand? Who is going to be our Susan B. Anthony?

Sports Blogs

Saturday, July 3, 2010


Alive is...?

A.) A true story about a Uruguayan rugby team stranded in the Alps for seventy days, living on the flesh of their deceased teammates?

B.) A true story about a Uruguayan soccer team in the semifinals of the World Cup because of a selfless, heads up, once in a life-time play.

C.) A true story about an American man who watched the Uruguayan soccer team defeat Ghana in the quarterfinals of the World Cup and found a little happiness in this jerk and tug world we live in.

Or just maybe it's...

D.) All of the above.

In basketball there are smart fouls and there are dumb fouls. A glancing blow that doesn’t stop LeBron James from stuffing the ball down your throat and a foul with .3 seconds left in a tie game are dumb fouls. Punching Shaq in the balls so he can’t dunk and instead goes to the line for two free throws, now that’s just smart basketball.

 Shaq + Free Throw = Not Free At All

In football, there are good penalties and bad penalties. A wide receiver holding when the play is a sweep in the opposite direction, dump. A corner back holding a wide receiver who is speeding past him for an easy touchdown? Smart.

In soccer, before today, there were only dumb red cards. Not - Any - More. In the past, when someone has cornered you in your cubical and forced you to listen to his retelling of a great soccer play, it was a goal, a save or an unreal move; today it’s a red card.

 This red card was for a head butt. Cool.

Today, three minutes into three minutes of extra time, something special happened in the Uruguay Ghana game. I’ll break it down into four parts for you.

1. A ball heads into the back of the Uruguayan net poised to end their World Cup dreams.

2. Luis Suarez, a Uruguayan attacker, reaches up and bats the ball away with his hand. That’s frowned upon. He is given a red card.

3. Suarez, nearly in tears, exits the stadium as Asamoah Gyan misses the ensuing penalty for Ghana. An invigorated Suarez cheers and heads into the locker-room. We’re going to penalty kicks.

4. Uruguay wins in penalties.

Uruguay has this crazy little man to thank for a trip to the final four.

Yes, what Suarez did was a split second reaction, yes, it was “illegal,” possibly the most uncouth thing you can do in a soccer game and, yes, he will be missing the next game for it, but isn’t all that what made it so great? With his team’s World Cup hopes and dreams, dying by the millisecond, he had the smarts to reach up and bat the ball away from his goal. Cons, he gets a red card, so even if his team advances, he doesn’t get to play, and unintelligent observers are going to assume he’s to blame if the ensuing pk goes in. Pros, your team has a one in ten chance to win a game that was as good as over a second before. That’s all you get, but you know what, it’s enough.

Go Uruguay!

Sports Blogs

Monday, June 28, 2010

Schools With Unreal Sleeper Potential

 This guy knows a thing or two about getting slept on...and urinated on...

Even if you know nothing about sports, all you need is one year of high school to understand this. Certain colleges are sports powerhouses, just like certain high school guys are sex powerhouses; they get what they want. Flip through your high school yearbook for a second. I’m going to assume there were some pretty hot girls and some really cool guys, you probably liked to think that you were one of them, but truthfully…you most likely weren’t. These cool guys are the top college football programs and these hot girls are the most prized recruits. Hot girls and cool guys are hooking up, going out, doing “it” while college recruits are signing at top schools.

It seems reasonable to assume that after a cool guy gets with a hot girl, that guy becomes slightly less desirable to the other hot girls at the school. You don’t want to be a hussy right? Surprisingly, not the case. As much as they want you to think they are complicated, high school girls will hook up with him if he's a cool, good looking guy. They probably want to even more if he's taken.

 Think John Tucker Must Die... Think it, don't watch it.

It’s the same way for colleges and recruits. When one recruit goes to a college, he only makes it a more attractive school. Yes, being the first guy to get with a girl is cool -- as long as you love her -- but you have to put in months and months of face time, spend money, act like you care about her problems -- mostly just her period and zits at this point -- it takes work. If you could go to Florida and have a great chance to win next year, or go to Tulsa and maybe have an outside chance if you do everything right as a senior? You’re going to Florida.

 I'm thinking Florida, but maybe that's just me... Maybe not.

It starts with football, the sport that brings home the dollars, and trickles down to the other sports, like badminton and Frisbee golf. The cool guys always get the hot babes, while the average guys are left hooking up with chubby girls- hoping they shed the weight, clean up the eating habits, and start showering daily.

The major conferences are the Big Ten, Big East, SEC, Big 12, ACC and Pac 10 -- this almost looked a lot different. If one of these schools doesn’t win the championship, something magical has happened.

Look at the recent champions and who they have played. I’ve bolded the non-major conference teams for you.

2009: Alabama over Texas
2008: Florida over Oklahoma
2007: LSU over Ohio State
2006: Florida over Ohio State

2010: Duke over Butler
2009: UNC over Michigan St.
2008: Kansas over Memphis (According to the NCAA - this never really happened)
2007: Florida over Ohio State
2006: Florida over Ohio State

 This really wasn't a "mid-major"

2009: LSU over Texas
2008: Fresno St. over Georgia
2007: Oregon St. over UNC
2006: Oregon St. over UNC

2009: Virginia over Akron
2008 Maryland over UNC
2007: Wake Forest over Ohio State
2006: UC Santa Barbra over UCLA

2010: UCLA over Arizona
2009: Washington over Florida
2008: Arizona St. over Texas A&M
2007: Arizona over Tennessee
2006: Arizona over Northwestern

Women’s Basketball Champion
2010: UConn over Stanford
2009: UConn over Louisville
2008: Tennessee over Stanford
2007: Tennessee over Rutgers
2006: Maryland over Duke

Women’s Soccer
2009: UNC over Stanford
2008: UNC over Notre Dame
2007: USC over Florida State
2006: UNC over Notre Dame

I’ll crunch these numbers for those of you who didn’t watch Sesame Street. Over the past 5 years, five of the sixty-two teams to reach the finals have been from non-major conference schools, that’s 8%. Of these finalists, one of them, Memphis, had their season erased because they cheated -- if you consider paying someone to take the SAT for you cheating; I don’t -- and of the other four, only two won the championship, 3%. None of the twenty-four teams to make the finals in women’s sports were non-major conference schools.

 Five. One, two, three, four, five non-major conference schools.

What does this all mean? It’s what midgets know about playing in the NBA, what porn stars have come to grips with about a career in politics, and what nerds eventually learn about having great, passionate, meaningful sex with a girl… it’s just not going to happen! Schools from lesser conferences have little chance to compete for a national championship or become a national power. They don’t have the resources, the brand name or the hot babes to give wicked, mind clouding, sign on the dotted line blow jobs on recruiting visits-- 22% of recruits make their decisions based on quality of blow job. FACT!

 You'd have to be crazy to factor in anything else really.

How-EVAH! I have compiled a list of potential breakout non-major conference schools. These are schools with a special something that provides them a unique opportunity to rise above their woeful conferences and do something special. Here are…

Schools With Unreal Sleeper Potential


They recruit an entire state like no one else can. Well, maybe Alaska, but the snow people of the oil lands aren’t good at sports, so screw ‘em. To leave New Jersey for New York you can drive, call a cab, take a train, bus, walk, it’s super easy. To get from Hawaii to anywhere you’re taking a five-plus hour plane ride or a long ass boat ride, and I don’t think boat is realistically an option anymore.

 I've never been there, but from what people have told me, this is Hawaii

I know Hawaii isn’t exactly a hotbed of athletic talent, but they stay in shape so they can look their best at the beach, they have rock solid huge Samoan brothers, and there is a ton of state pride. If you can keep the top talent from any state, maybe sans Rhode Island, Alaska, Montana and the Dakota sisters, you have a chance. Every few years you have to get some top notch players, how can’t you? This is America, the melting pot of opportunity! Just last year Hawaii had one of the top recruits in the nation, Manti Te’o, a linebacker with safety speed and defensive end strength, but they couldn’t keep him. Unfortunately, this time the recruit chose to go to Notre Dame. In the future though? Who knows? If they can ever trade in their turf for grass and improve their other facilities. Hawaii might be saying, “hele mei hoohiwahiwa” all the way to the national championship, because when you get one or two, the rest will follow.  


 Now that is a place I could pray

Screw states! There are fifty of those suckers. I’ll take a religion please! BYU recruits an entire religion like nobody's business!-- Notre Dame does pretty well with the least they used to, but no one does it like BYU. I have a few Mormon friends, some of the nicest people I know, but they are also wicked good athletes and guess what? They all went to BYU. I don’t even think they applied anywhere else. Add to that the fact that they go on two year missions so they are two years older than everyone else and the fact that they rarely leave early because academics matter -- this is a generalization, but come on…it’s true -- and BYU is a force to be reckoned with. Maybe that’s why they won the 1984 National Championship in football and are constantly making noise in other sports. Steve Young people, Steve Young.

Boise State.

BLUE EFFING TURF. I know it sounds stupid, but the best decision Boise St. ever made was to get blue turf for their football field…and to run the statue of liberty play in the Sugar Bowl, but the turf came first. It put them on the map. At first it looked weird, was a novelty, a gimmick, now it’s Boise St. Everyone knows about the blue turf, it got them on TV and it eventually got them better recruits, because when more recruits know about you, more are going to choose you; every celebrity knows that.

 Blue - Turf

Now on the map, Boise St. is capitalizing. They’re in the hunt in football every year and they made the NCAA tournament in basketball in 2009. Watch out for their other sports to follow shortly- Boise St. is here to stay.

TCU - Really Any School in Texas, Florida or California

I learned this one playing NCAA Football 2004 Dynasty Mode. If you’re in Texas, you’re going to get good players. There are too many good players in Texas! All you need is a couple to fly under the radar, want to stay close to home, and get wicked awesome bj’s on their recruiting visit-- FACT! Look at TCU, they are a football juggernaut, they gave birth to LaDainian Tomlinson, they were a semifinalist at this year's college World Series…

 This game also taught me the affects fourteen hours of gaming a day has on school work

Smaller schools from these states have a huge advantage that other smaller schools don’t. With smaller recruiting budgets, they can still recruit a ton of talent right in their backyard. It’s good to be from one of the big three.

Navy - or Army or Air Force

 If the Navy was more like this, it would be a lot cooler

A proud few…or is that the Marines? It doesn’t matter, if you join any of the armed services, the US is proud of you. Certain men and women know that they want to serve their country, they have the itch. Sometimes these men and women are good at sports. Take David Robinson for example, best player in the nation his senior year at Navy. The armed services used to dominate sports, early 1900’s they were the jams, winning football championships, fighting wars, only assuming the missionary position during sex, they almost had it all. They could again. No other university has a student body in better shape, that’s for sure. All they need is a few good men to bring them back to the top.


The least smart of the smart schools-- if you’re smart you’re following me so far. Unfortunately, they don’t play D1A football, but their other sports are D1A. I know most athletes with professional aspirations don’t care about academics, they don’t want to work hard, and they really don’t want to be making face with Ivy League girls, but there have to be a few that would like a backup plan, right? John Wall had a 3.5 GPA at Kentucky, probably because his teachers were assistant coaches on the basketball team, but still. If even one out of thirty great athletes would love a fallback plan if they aren’t as good as they think, or get injured, Cornell could kill it! They are the biggest Ivy and they have the easiest admissions-- it’s still by no means easy, but if you’re a great athlete, they can make exceptions Yale can’t.

 Cornell needs to update its image

There is no reason that Cornell shouldn’t be in the sweet sixteen in basketball every year. There aren’t 5 great basketball players around the country who want a great education??? Come on people!

Listen, it’s not going to happen this year, and it probably won’t happen next year, but some year…these schools are coming to a championship game near you- hell, they’ve probably already been there at some point. They aren’t your average place holder, so-so, “we have athletics schools”, these schools have potential and I think they’re about to start cashing in on it. Think Kristen Stewart with bigger breasts and the ability to smile.

Sports Blogs

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Is This As Good As It Gets?

Some nights -- usually Sundays and Wednesdays -- I take off all of my clothes, stand in front of the mirror and think, maybe this is as good as it gets. It’s at precisely this moment, unless I’m wasted or high, I remember, with the help of the mirror, that I’m overweight, pale, balding, and haven’t had sex since 1992 and if this is as good as it gets, FML, I’m taking an off road trip to the golden gate bridge.

What I’ve learned through my field research is that other people actually lead good, fulfilling lives. I would go so far as to say that some people actually like their lives. They would stand in front of the mirror naked, a gorgeous blonde on the bowl behind them and think, man, I’m the man. This is about those people. The people who are at the tipity-top, everyone loves them, hot girls and hot guys want to be slayed by them, they defecate mint chocolate chip ice cream, and they have more than just their parents following them on twitter, millions more. Things couldn’t be better, but a word of caution for this tale. When things are as good as they get, there is no where to go but down.

The following people should be advised to enjoy the mint chocolate ice cream while it’s flowing, because the way I see it, it won’t be for much longer.


 This might be Brian Scalabrine if he played with Steve Nash

The poster child for what Steve Nash can do for your basketball career, and the really sad thing is, I don’t think he knows it. Almost all of his baskets are wide open jump shots or even better, dunks, served up perfectly by Nash. When he moves on this off season and doesn’t have one of the best PG’s in the league, his numbers will take a huge hit.

Ubaldo Jimenez

 1.16? That's like hitting .460.

12-1, 1.16 ERA (was under one a week ago), .97 WHIP, 84 strikeouts, and a .180 BAA. 96 MPH cheese and a wicked breaking ball still shouldn’t equal these untouchable numbers. The bloop singles are being caught, the hard ground balls turned into double plays and the few line drives snatched out of the year. I don’t care how good Ubaldo is, he will not have an ERA under 2.0. A WHIP that close to an ERA is a sure sign that luck is on Ubaldo’s side, but for how long?


 Tik Tok...Tik Tok

A one hit wonder in an age where it’s impossible. TiK ToK was an alright song to listen to on the radio. I maybe even sang along once or twenty times, but her new songs, not good. Just really not great, and they would not have been on the radio ten years ago. Bottom line, enjoy this CD, odds are it’s her last.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 What a motley crew

Show is unreal funny, but can they really keep it up? All shows lose some of their luster after the first few seasons. Will Charlie’s crazy antics get old? Will we stop finding Dee somewhat attractive? Will Frank lose weight and his appeal. Will Mac and Dennis stop doing…what they do to make them funny? Actually…probably not, but all shows lose some edge after a while so enjoy it while you can.

The Padres

 The best record in the National League with the second lowest payroll in the entire league-- their payroll is $37,799,300, let’s choose a random team…the Yankees is $206,333, 389. They have a team ERA under 3, nearly a run better than let’s say…the Yankees’ 3.82 ERA and the Padre’s entire team makes almost half of what the Yankees five starters make - $24,000,000 + $16,500,000 + $11,500,000 + $11,750,000 + $447,000 = $64,197,000.

With such a young team, an over performing pitching staff and no stars besides A Gon… Padres fans should get to the park sooner than later.

And the winner is…

LeBron James

What if I told you that in five years LeBron James was going to be a role player on a below .500 D-League team? You’d probably assume that I was severely mentally handicapped and politely excuse yourself from the conversation, and you’d be right to do so. That’s not even close to what I’m saying here. I’m simply positing the possibility that this might be the summit of LeBron’s life. There, someone finally said it.

 LeBron takes out his pec to let you know he's better than you

LeBronLeBron. Maybe too good?

LeBron has never won an NBA title. He has only been to the finals once and was swept 4-0. He is about to sign a max contract and lock himself into a franchise for the best playing years of his career, if he makes the wrong decision…

If LeBron doesn’t win a championship it will be a disastrous career. When you’re as talented as he is, it’s not about your team, it’s about you. Even if he only wins one title he can’t be mentioned with the names he is now, Jordan, Kobe, Wilt, Shaq, Bird Russell, as an all time great. So the pressure continues to grow and grow until it reaches an A Rod type state and nothing matters except from the playoffs. A one seed and an MVP only adds to the choking in the playoffs, and soon it’s the only thing LeBron can think about.

So…live it up LeBron, because things are going to get worse, they just kind of have to.

I hope this is a word to the wise for all you high school quarterback captains, prom queens, fraternity presidents and hot moms with the impossibly tight bodies, the end is near. It might not come tomorrow, or the next day, but it will come. It might not be in the form of a 6-2 sophomore with a rocket arm, or a horrific scarring case of chicken pox, or a wicked awesome party where some bros are caught doing some BTH -- black tar heroine -- in the back room and rat you out, or a baby that makes your vagina look like a creature from Zelda Ocarina of Time, but it will come. Be ready, and keep your head help low, for you my friend will be average again. 

Sports Blogs

Monday, June 7, 2010

Five Girls I Wouldn’t Fight At A Bar If They Spit In My Drink

 Let’s be clear on one thing. I’m not not fighting these girls because “it’s the right thing to do” or because “I’m above that.” I’m not fighting them because I would get my ass knocked in, and that’s saying something- I can bench 155 four times with only slight assistance from three spotters.

These are the kind of girls who get picked before most of the guys at your neighborhood pickup football game and the general consensus is, “smart pick.” These girls put the thigh in thyroidectomy, the calf in caffeine and the huge in that’s a huge bitch! If you marry one of these women, you change your last name, you buy a closet full of nice skirts, because only one of you can wear pants, and you start memorizing the phrase “You’re right, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, sir.”

There are myriad reasons a woman can scare you into a state of fecal abstinence. I concentrate on five of them: Physical make-up - she is scary as hell; Attitude - girl has a bad attitude; Visual Evidence - I have seen her do things I don’t want done to me; Powerful - does she know people who know people who could make your life suck; and Nothing To Lose - does she have any shame?

Okay, in order of how long my hospital stay would be if I foolishly asked why they were such a jerk…

Five Girls I Wouldn’t Fight At A Bar If They Spit In My Drink

Physical Make-Up

How To Tell: Look at her, is she scary as hell?

A lot of girls scare the crap out of me, but physically I know that I could at least hold my own with most of them. Bev Francis would beat me down school yard brawl style. By this I mean that most women have to be crafty, pull hair, bite, spit in your eye, but Bev would punch me in the face until my crying stopped and she knew I was unconscious.

 Bev doesn't get bossed around very often...

I’ll be the bigger man here and say that I actually find some female body builders pretty attractive. Not in an, I want to marry her way, or even in an, I would love to share a hotel room with her for seven minutes way. It’s simply in a spur of the moment, she’s kind of hot way, but then when my buddy says “What? Are you serious?” I backpedal and say no in an, I’m a bitch way.

When a girl is this big and this strong she is way scarier than a man of the same build. If a huge guy beats the snot out of you, your friends carry you out of the club to safety, you tell your co-workers they should see the other guy, you remind your children once a week that their daddy could really take a punch. If Bev smacks you around it’s on youtube the next day, your kids don’t respect you because you were beat up by a girl -- showing them a picture of Bev will only partly solve your problem -- and most importantly, you lose something intangible that all guys who have never been beat up by a girl have, the belief that they could never get beat up by a girl.

This one’s a no brainer, if Bev wants to go, I’m saying no.


How To Tell: When people ask you if she’s bi-polar, do you have to think about it? Mostly considering whether or not she’s ever not a psycho?

You and your buddies ever stand around watching a girl scream at her friends or boyfriend and say, “girls got a bad attitude!” Well I hope to God you don’t say that too loud if you’re talking about Tiffany Pollard AKA New York… Yes, I’m talking about New York from the show I Love New York.

Tick... tick... tick... tick... BOOM!

Let me tell you something, sister could flip her shit. It all started on The Flavor Of Love 2 when she was down to the final two girls fighting for Flavor Flav’s love -- Yeah, at first I thought they were fighting for their freedom as well, turns out they actually “wanted” to be with him -- during a verbal argument the other finalist spit in her face and NY lost it… well, it’s unfair to say that she lost it because that implies that she had it at some point and I really can’t confirm that, but she went nutszo, hitting, pulling hair, cursing. The scary thing is wondering when she would have stopped had she not been pulled away. I mean, general behavioral code didn’t stop her, the video cameras didn’t stop her, let’s say no one had stepped in? Does she kill her? Probably not, but can we really be sure?

If after witnessing this, you had the pleasure of watching I Love NY, you realized that this freak out wasn’t an anomaly, she got violently mad all the time. Like my mother, New York did not handle adversity well. If you looked at her wrong, said the wrong thing, didn’t do what she wanted, she might lose it, she might not, but she might, and it’s the not knowing for sure that makes it all the scarier.

People with attitude will start shit and are usually just crazy enough to finish it. Not only am I not fighting back against NY, I’m not going anywhere near her.

Visual Evidence

How To Tell: Have you seen her kick someone else’s ass?

Gina Carano thought she was kind of a big deal. She was undefeated in UFC and smoking hot. Then Cris “Cyborg” Santos smashed her face in! If you meet a girl, her nickname is Cyborg, and she’s cool with that nickname, run, because there is a serious mental issue going on that you don’t want any part of.

 You can't see Cyborg very well, but... I think you get the point. -- She's the one doing the smashing if you're slow.

I’m all for not respecting what other people say, I’m all for not respecting other people in general, but when I watch a person knock someone out and then continue to pummel her lifeless face until other people pull her off…I respect that in a… I don’t want to mess with you way, an I don’t want you to end my life way, an I don’t care what you do to me, I will not fight you way.

Important Reminder: Running is only pussy if you had a chance of winning if you’d stayed.


How To Tell: Was she a major reason the last President got elected?

There is one woman out there who has more pull than a carriage of pack mules, more say than a clique of gossipy popular middle school girls -- unpopular girls rarely gossip -- and more do than Manuel Ferrara. She is the only celebrity out there who doesn’t just go by one name, she goes by one letter, O. A man once took Oprah’s parking spot, he has sentenced to three years in country. If he had bumped into her? Let’s just say he’d be praying it didn’t happen in Texas..

 If you've never seen this woman, you're blind.

Oprah is a God to women; most believe that the New Testament was written because Oprah didn’t like the old one. What Oprah says is law, so with the odds already stacked against me, if Oprah told all the women out there not to sleep with me, I’d have to take up goat-banging, and that gets old fast.

What Oprah wants, Oprah gets, and if Oprah wants to spit in my drink, I’ll take one loogie on the rocks, please.

Nothing To Lose

How To Tell: If a naked picture of her taking a dump on the floor surfaced on the internet, would it change anything? Is this picture probably already circulating?

First rule of fighting, you don’t fight someone with nothing to lose. That is why I would never fight Lindsey Lohan-- also she could be fighting for coke money and when you’re fighting for coke money, you don’t lose! Lindsey Lohan used to be Paul Rudd with a vagina, EVERYONE LIKED HER! She was cute in The Parent Trap and then hot in Mean Girls, but more importantly she was just super likable. At this point I wouldn’t have wanted to fight her, but forced to, I can safely assume I would have introduced her to what I like to call a fist induced twenty minute pavement siesta.

 This Lohan, no problem, wouldn't last 3 rounds.

Then something happened, I don’t know if it was the partying, the stardom, her home life -- we know there are issues there -- maybe it was that South Park episode about gingers, whatever it was, she crashed hard, Dewey Cox hard. Lohan has been to AA several times, Wonderland Rehad Center, got a DUI, was arrested for cocaine possession. A lot has to be going wrong for you to voluntarily allow authorities to fit you with a Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring (SCRAM) bracelet, a lot.

If you'd fight this girl, you're crazy

So she’s weak, right? How wrong you are if you think that. When you’re at the bottom, you’re dangerous. While fighting, if a girl’s shirt is ripped off, she'll forget about fighting and cover up, not Lohan. Lindsey won’t pause for a single second. When you have nothing to lose, things are different, you don’t care about anything but victory. You don’t shake hands after this fight, it’s kill or be killed, and since I’m not really down to kill or to be killed… I’m going to have to pass.

If Lindsey’s pupils are large, she’s in charge

There you have it. I hope this opens some eyes to the fact that maybe it’s alright to get your ass kicked by a girl. Not only is it uncool for you to fight back or punch them in the tits, but some girls are really crazy. Sorry, I misspoke, all girls are really crazy, other girls are really crazier. Personally, I wouldn’t mess with any of them.

Next Post: Two hundred and thirty-six ways to disarm a nuclear bomb with a twinkie and a cabbage patch kid.

Sports Blogs

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

2010 NBA Free Agency: It Just Kind Of Makes Sense

If I could be a fly on the wall, I would spend a lot of time at the Playboy Mansion, but when I was bored of that-- rather, one Sunday a year when my man parts were chafed beyond recognition, I would head out and do other things. What would I do this year? I would go sit in on this NBA Free Agent Pow-wow I’m hearing so much about.

How many guys do you think are hiding in closets and under beds in this place?

Party Host: Dwyane Wade

Invited guests: LeBron James, Joe Johnson

People who invited themselves like that kid you weren’t really friends with in elementary school: Chris Bosh

People who got the nod as soon as they lost in the Playoffs: Amar’e Stoudamire

People who should be invited, but aren’t… as of now: Carlos Boozer, Dirk Nowitzki

 I'm guessing this guy throws a fun party

These are the seven top tier free agents, how they rank, and which fictional superstar they are most like:

1. LeBron James - The single greatest free agent of all time --  Superman -- Go dunk hard Dwight Howard, LeBron is the Superman of this free agent class.

2. Dwyane Wade - Franchise changer --  Batman -- He’s the man, but he’s human.

3. Dirk Nowitzki - 7’1” and so pure. -- James Bond -- Can you imagine him as a second option? That’s like James Bond teaming up with Sherlock Holmes. Yes please.

4. Chris Bosh - Real solid 20-10 guy, but just not a guy I like claiming as my main man --  The Hulk -- Don’t want him playing charades at my dinner party.  Maybe it’s just me.

5. Carlos Boozer - Deron Williams is a championship quality point guard, which means… Boozer isn’t a championship big man… or it just means that the Lakers are mad good -- Cyclops -- Yeah…but I want more.

6. Amar’e Stoudemire - Obviously a good player, but let me let you in on a little secret; Nash made him what he is! -- Robin -- he’ll fight the goons as Batman battles the King Pin.

7. Joe Johnson - Does what a role player could do, slightly better, for 15x as much loot --  Kick-Ass -- Call me old fashioned, but please just send a cop.

 The Hulk has issues taking constructive criticism

Okay, two teams, the Knicks and the Heat, can afford two max contracts-- Wade would of course count as one of the Heat’s if he chose to stay. Several other teams can afford one: the Wizards, Timberwolves, Clippers, Nets, Bulls. The only way for three or more of these players to wind up on the same team is if they decide to take less money and try to do something special… ha ha ha-- I crack myself up some times. Money is status. You think LeBron is willing to make less than Wade? Less than Amar’e? Less than Joe Johnson? I could see Bosh or Wade doing it, but if no one else is? Let’s be realistic here, we’re not seeing three of these guys on any team.

So how is it going to shake out? Only one way to figure it out. We need to think like an NBA player. Step 1: Bludgeon yourself in the temple with a hammer or other blunt object. (Reason - Most NBA players didn’t go to college, many didn’t pay attention in High School… We’re turning it down a notch… mentally.) Step 2: Sleep with seven smoking hot babes in one night without wearing a condom. Make sure not to think for a single second that there is anything remotely wrong with what you are doing. (Reason - If you’re an NBA superstar, you’re the man. Don’t you ever forget that.) Step 3: Take some crack. (Reason - You want to speed up the decision making process so you can bone the seven other girls who are currently locked in your closet…not that you need to lock them in your closet…you just do what you want. Yeah.)

 Dwayne Bowe called them "imports." I call them sluts.

Okay so… THUD… YES YES YES YES YES YES YES (one for each girl…I mean woman) and Hhhhhhhhhhhh… OKOKOKOKOK Let’s do this, I have things to do…I mean women.

Why the hell would anyone want to play in Minnesota? Chicago is cool. Miami has hotter women. Should I have loyalty to the team I play for now?  New York is the largest market. LA has more celebrities. Will John Wall be better than Derek Rose? Do the fans have loyalty to me when my shot’s off and we get blown out? Did I forget to flush the toilet? Why would anyone play for the Clippers when Jack Nicholson roots for the Lakers? The Nets new owner rubs me the wrong way. The Timberwolves literally have nothing to offer. Wait a second; I’m still on the toilet. I can play with a friend in NY or Miami. Three of us could play together if I take less mo-- F*ck that. The other guys should take less money. I’m paying a lot of child support here. Wait a second! This isn’t a toilet, it’s a bath tub! You think LeBron is better looking than me? Dirk seems a little off, I don’t think he’d make a great wingman. Is Boozer a Mormon now? If I take a shower do I still have to wipe?

You do.

And…he passes out alone… I’ll take it from here. No hammer, no girls, slightly less crack.

As cool as it sounds, LeBron and Wade can’t play with each other. They can’t. They are both at their best with the ball in their hands. As awesome as it plays out in our minds, it wouldn’t work.

The best possible teammates are LeBron/Dirk or Wade/Dirk-- interesting how Dirk is the player in both. Unfortunately, Cuban is by far the best owner (he's fun and he goes for it every year), so Dirk re-signs-- Also, doesn’t Dirk have some troubled lover in Dallas he needs to take care of?

 Dirk stays.

Joe Johnson does the work of Anthony Parker or Daequan Cook for a boatload more money. Being the “best player” in Atlanta, he always has the ball, playing with LeBron or Wade he becomes Rashard Lewis -- A HUGE WASTE OF MONEY! He’s out!

So Wade and LeBron -- see how I switched the order of their names to share the respect -- have to choose a big man they can win with, or LeBron can return home to a half decent supporting cast. No, I won’t have that. LeBron is leaving Cleveland, but for where? He is leaving so that he can be the greatest basketball player of all time, not so he can be the second best Chicago Bull ever. LeBron going to Chicago would be moronic. He’s smarter than that… I think… I hope… Not to mention that LeBron needs the ball in his hands and so does Rose. Give me LeBron, a quick  PG and SG who can shoot, a hustling, scrappy PF and a good to great C and you have a dynasty. LeBron is confused, what he does know is that he is too cool to look desperate, he waits…

Wade, Amar’e and Bosh seem to be the guys who are really into this, two of these guys will play together. Bosh is better than Amar’e, but other people don’t seem to realize this because Amar’e’s (that doesn’t look right) dunks are harder-- I do find his dunks impressive, don’t get me wrong, but they are set up by Nash and any power forward can dunk. So what should be a very formidable Batman and Hulk dynamic duo in Miami turns into Batman and Robin, and we all know how that turns out- I didn’t see Robin in The Dark KnightMIAMI is happy, and should be, but not as happy as they are.

 Did Robin demand a speaking role? Stupid.

So what is NY left to work with? Bosh, Johnson, and Boozer, and oh, LEBRON. LeBron steps up and says I want to be the man, and teamed with Chris Bosh and point guard Sergio Rodriguez (my sleeper Steve Nash for three years now) they will be the perennial favorites to win it all. NY wins BIG!

 I could dig on this for realz!

So who is left? Joe Johnson and Boozer. Boozer goes to the Nets, and with Lopez (I can’t believe both of these Stanford psychos are actually good NBA players) and Harris they are actually all right. As for Joe Johnson…every GM in the league reads this entry and is like, "this kid has a point." He ends up signing a 10 day contract with the Timberwolves a week before the season. Obviously in the mean time he found where I lived and broke both my legs.

Rudy Gay to the Clippers. He’s not on the list and the Clippers aren’t worth talking about (they may be next year…) so it works out nicely.

It's a huge year and no matter what happens there are going to be some fireworks. We can only hope and pray that LeBron and Wade change teams because come on, that's just more exciting that way. We've seen what Miami and Cleveland are like. I want to see them in some new jerseys.

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