Wednesday, June 2, 2010

2010 NBA Free Agency: It Just Kind Of Makes Sense

If I could be a fly on the wall, I would spend a lot of time at the Playboy Mansion, but when I was bored of that-- rather, one Sunday a year when my man parts were chafed beyond recognition, I would head out and do other things. What would I do this year? I would go sit in on this NBA Free Agent Pow-wow I’m hearing so much about.

How many guys do you think are hiding in closets and under beds in this place?

Party Host: Dwyane Wade

Invited guests: LeBron James, Joe Johnson

People who invited themselves like that kid you weren’t really friends with in elementary school: Chris Bosh

People who got the nod as soon as they lost in the Playoffs: Amar’e Stoudamire

People who should be invited, but aren’t… as of now: Carlos Boozer, Dirk Nowitzki

 I'm guessing this guy throws a fun party

These are the seven top tier free agents, how they rank, and which fictional superstar they are most like:

1. LeBron James - The single greatest free agent of all time --  Superman -- Go dunk hard Dwight Howard, LeBron is the Superman of this free agent class.

2. Dwyane Wade - Franchise changer --  Batman -- He’s the man, but he’s human.

3. Dirk Nowitzki - 7’1” and so pure. -- James Bond -- Can you imagine him as a second option? That’s like James Bond teaming up with Sherlock Holmes. Yes please.

4. Chris Bosh - Real solid 20-10 guy, but just not a guy I like claiming as my main man --  The Hulk -- Don’t want him playing charades at my dinner party.  Maybe it’s just me.

5. Carlos Boozer - Deron Williams is a championship quality point guard, which means… Boozer isn’t a championship big man… or it just means that the Lakers are mad good -- Cyclops -- Yeah…but I want more.

6. Amar’e Stoudemire - Obviously a good player, but let me let you in on a little secret; Nash made him what he is! -- Robin -- he’ll fight the goons as Batman battles the King Pin.

7. Joe Johnson - Does what a role player could do, slightly better, for 15x as much loot --  Kick-Ass -- Call me old fashioned, but please just send a cop.

 The Hulk has issues taking constructive criticism

Okay, two teams, the Knicks and the Heat, can afford two max contracts-- Wade would of course count as one of the Heat’s if he chose to stay. Several other teams can afford one: the Wizards, Timberwolves, Clippers, Nets, Bulls. The only way for three or more of these players to wind up on the same team is if they decide to take less money and try to do something special… ha ha ha-- I crack myself up some times. Money is status. You think LeBron is willing to make less than Wade? Less than Amar’e? Less than Joe Johnson? I could see Bosh or Wade doing it, but if no one else is? Let’s be realistic here, we’re not seeing three of these guys on any team.

So how is it going to shake out? Only one way to figure it out. We need to think like an NBA player. Step 1: Bludgeon yourself in the temple with a hammer or other blunt object. (Reason - Most NBA players didn’t go to college, many didn’t pay attention in High School… We’re turning it down a notch… mentally.) Step 2: Sleep with seven smoking hot babes in one night without wearing a condom. Make sure not to think for a single second that there is anything remotely wrong with what you are doing. (Reason - If you’re an NBA superstar, you’re the man. Don’t you ever forget that.) Step 3: Take some crack. (Reason - You want to speed up the decision making process so you can bone the seven other girls who are currently locked in your closet…not that you need to lock them in your closet…you just do what you want. Yeah.)

 Dwayne Bowe called them "imports." I call them sluts.

Okay so… THUD… YES YES YES YES YES YES YES (one for each girl…I mean woman) and Hhhhhhhhhhhh… OKOKOKOKOK Let’s do this, I have things to do…I mean women.

Why the hell would anyone want to play in Minnesota? Chicago is cool. Miami has hotter women. Should I have loyalty to the team I play for now?  New York is the largest market. LA has more celebrities. Will John Wall be better than Derek Rose? Do the fans have loyalty to me when my shot’s off and we get blown out? Did I forget to flush the toilet? Why would anyone play for the Clippers when Jack Nicholson roots for the Lakers? The Nets new owner rubs me the wrong way. The Timberwolves literally have nothing to offer. Wait a second; I’m still on the toilet. I can play with a friend in NY or Miami. Three of us could play together if I take less mo-- F*ck that. The other guys should take less money. I’m paying a lot of child support here. Wait a second! This isn’t a toilet, it’s a bath tub! You think LeBron is better looking than me? Dirk seems a little off, I don’t think he’d make a great wingman. Is Boozer a Mormon now? If I take a shower do I still have to wipe?

You do.

And…he passes out alone… I’ll take it from here. No hammer, no girls, slightly less crack.

As cool as it sounds, LeBron and Wade can’t play with each other. They can’t. They are both at their best with the ball in their hands. As awesome as it plays out in our minds, it wouldn’t work.

The best possible teammates are LeBron/Dirk or Wade/Dirk-- interesting how Dirk is the player in both. Unfortunately, Cuban is by far the best owner (he's fun and he goes for it every year), so Dirk re-signs-- Also, doesn’t Dirk have some troubled lover in Dallas he needs to take care of?

 Dirk stays.

Joe Johnson does the work of Anthony Parker or Daequan Cook for a boatload more money. Being the “best player” in Atlanta, he always has the ball, playing with LeBron or Wade he becomes Rashard Lewis -- A HUGE WASTE OF MONEY! He’s out!

So Wade and LeBron -- see how I switched the order of their names to share the respect -- have to choose a big man they can win with, or LeBron can return home to a half decent supporting cast. No, I won’t have that. LeBron is leaving Cleveland, but for where? He is leaving so that he can be the greatest basketball player of all time, not so he can be the second best Chicago Bull ever. LeBron going to Chicago would be moronic. He’s smarter than that… I think… I hope… Not to mention that LeBron needs the ball in his hands and so does Rose. Give me LeBron, a quick  PG and SG who can shoot, a hustling, scrappy PF and a good to great C and you have a dynasty. LeBron is confused, what he does know is that he is too cool to look desperate, he waits…

Wade, Amar’e and Bosh seem to be the guys who are really into this, two of these guys will play together. Bosh is better than Amar’e, but other people don’t seem to realize this because Amar’e’s (that doesn’t look right) dunks are harder-- I do find his dunks impressive, don’t get me wrong, but they are set up by Nash and any power forward can dunk. So what should be a very formidable Batman and Hulk dynamic duo in Miami turns into Batman and Robin, and we all know how that turns out- I didn’t see Robin in The Dark KnightMIAMI is happy, and should be, but not as happy as they are.

 Did Robin demand a speaking role? Stupid.

So what is NY left to work with? Bosh, Johnson, and Boozer, and oh, LEBRON. LeBron steps up and says I want to be the man, and teamed with Chris Bosh and point guard Sergio Rodriguez (my sleeper Steve Nash for three years now) they will be the perennial favorites to win it all. NY wins BIG!

 I could dig on this for realz!

So who is left? Joe Johnson and Boozer. Boozer goes to the Nets, and with Lopez (I can’t believe both of these Stanford psychos are actually good NBA players) and Harris they are actually all right. As for Joe Johnson…every GM in the league reads this entry and is like, "this kid has a point." He ends up signing a 10 day contract with the Timberwolves a week before the season. Obviously in the mean time he found where I lived and broke both my legs.

Rudy Gay to the Clippers. He’s not on the list and the Clippers aren’t worth talking about (they may be next year…) so it works out nicely.

It's a huge year and no matter what happens there are going to be some fireworks. We can only hope and pray that LeBron and Wade change teams because come on, that's just more exciting that way. We've seen what Miami and Cleveland are like. I want to see them in some new jerseys.

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