Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Is This As Good As It Gets?

Some nights -- usually Sundays and Wednesdays -- I take off all of my clothes, stand in front of the mirror and think, maybe this is as good as it gets. It’s at precisely this moment, unless I’m wasted or high, I remember, with the help of the mirror, that I’m overweight, pale, balding, and haven’t had sex since 1992 and if this is as good as it gets, FML, I’m taking an off road trip to the golden gate bridge.

What I’ve learned through my field research is that other people actually lead good, fulfilling lives. I would go so far as to say that some people actually like their lives. They would stand in front of the mirror naked, a gorgeous blonde on the bowl behind them and think, man, I’m the man. This is about those people. The people who are at the tipity-top, everyone loves them, hot girls and hot guys want to be slayed by them, they defecate mint chocolate chip ice cream, and they have more than just their parents following them on twitter, millions more. Things couldn’t be better, but a word of caution for this tale. When things are as good as they get, there is no where to go but down.

The following people should be advised to enjoy the mint chocolate ice cream while it’s flowing, because the way I see it, it won’t be for much longer.


 This might be Brian Scalabrine if he played with Steve Nash

The poster child for what Steve Nash can do for your basketball career, and the really sad thing is, I don’t think he knows it. Almost all of his baskets are wide open jump shots or even better, dunks, served up perfectly by Nash. When he moves on this off season and doesn’t have one of the best PG’s in the league, his numbers will take a huge hit.

Ubaldo Jimenez

 1.16? That's like hitting .460.

12-1, 1.16 ERA (was under one a week ago), .97 WHIP, 84 strikeouts, and a .180 BAA. 96 MPH cheese and a wicked breaking ball still shouldn’t equal these untouchable numbers. The bloop singles are being caught, the hard ground balls turned into double plays and the few line drives snatched out of the year. I don’t care how good Ubaldo is, he will not have an ERA under 2.0. A WHIP that close to an ERA is a sure sign that luck is on Ubaldo’s side, but for how long?


 Tik Tok...Tik Tok

A one hit wonder in an age where it’s impossible. TiK ToK was an alright song to listen to on the radio. I maybe even sang along once or twenty times, but her new songs, not good. Just really not great, and they would not have been on the radio ten years ago. Bottom line, enjoy this CD, odds are it’s her last.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 What a motley crew

Show is unreal funny, but can they really keep it up? All shows lose some of their luster after the first few seasons. Will Charlie’s crazy antics get old? Will we stop finding Dee somewhat attractive? Will Frank lose weight and his appeal. Will Mac and Dennis stop doing…what they do to make them funny? Actually…probably not, but all shows lose some edge after a while so enjoy it while you can.

The Padres

 The best record in the National League with the second lowest payroll in the entire league-- their payroll is $37,799,300, let’s choose a random team…the Yankees is $206,333, 389. They have a team ERA under 3, nearly a run better than let’s say…the Yankees’ 3.82 ERA and the Padre’s entire team makes almost half of what the Yankees five starters make - $24,000,000 + $16,500,000 + $11,500,000 + $11,750,000 + $447,000 = $64,197,000.

With such a young team, an over performing pitching staff and no stars besides A Gon… Padres fans should get to the park sooner than later.

And the winner is…

LeBron James

What if I told you that in five years LeBron James was going to be a role player on a below .500 D-League team? You’d probably assume that I was severely mentally handicapped and politely excuse yourself from the conversation, and you’d be right to do so. That’s not even close to what I’m saying here. I’m simply positing the possibility that this might be the summit of LeBron’s life. There, someone finally said it.

 LeBron takes out his pec to let you know he's better than you

LeBronLeBron. Maybe too good?

LeBron has never won an NBA title. He has only been to the finals once and was swept 4-0. He is about to sign a max contract and lock himself into a franchise for the best playing years of his career, if he makes the wrong decision…

If LeBron doesn’t win a championship it will be a disastrous career. When you’re as talented as he is, it’s not about your team, it’s about you. Even if he only wins one title he can’t be mentioned with the names he is now, Jordan, Kobe, Wilt, Shaq, Bird Russell, as an all time great. So the pressure continues to grow and grow until it reaches an A Rod type state and nothing matters except from the playoffs. A one seed and an MVP only adds to the choking in the playoffs, and soon it’s the only thing LeBron can think about.

So…live it up LeBron, because things are going to get worse, they just kind of have to.

I hope this is a word to the wise for all you high school quarterback captains, prom queens, fraternity presidents and hot moms with the impossibly tight bodies, the end is near. It might not come tomorrow, or the next day, but it will come. It might not be in the form of a 6-2 sophomore with a rocket arm, or a horrific scarring case of chicken pox, or a wicked awesome party where some bros are caught doing some BTH -- black tar heroine -- in the back room and rat you out, or a baby that makes your vagina look like a creature from Zelda Ocarina of Time, but it will come. Be ready, and keep your head help low, for you my friend will be average again. 

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