Yeah He’s a Professional Athlete, But What If He Was A Woman?

 I spend a lot of time thinking... "What if I didn't have this ginormous schlong and instead had a ginormous vagina. That would be different." Well no one cares about my wang, but they do care about professional athlete's wangs. So let's take a look at what some professional athletes would be like without the Y chromosome.

Peyton Manning - Nuclear Physicist -- Large forehead, larger brain…

The Mannings didn’t take kindly to having a girl. The few hours a day Peytonina was allowed out of her under-the-basement-stairs closet bedroom, she was usually beaten, she was most certainly not invited to Old Miss tailgates or Saints games with the rest of her family. That was okay with her, Peytonina was a perfectionist more interested in atomic nuclei than oblong balls. She attended the Princeton University -- she had to take out several massive loans because Archie refused to pay saying that she should have gotten a football scholarship. At Princeton Peytonina had no trouble keeping away the douchey boys, she was incredibly unattractive and they wanted no part of her, luckily she spent most of her time in the comforts of a dark lab. She would go on to greatly contribute to the safe use of nuclear energy in America. Where would nuclear physics be without Peyton.

Derek Jeter - First Female President of the USA -- A natural born leader…

Some of us were just born to lead. Derekina is one of them. At the age of five she was class president of her towns High School! At twelve she was President and CEO of her family’s not-for-profit organization-- Derekina, her sister and her parents all voted, it was unanimous. After graduating from Yale University where she would meet and fall in love with heartthrob Jordan Brewster, Derekina would get into politics. She rose quickly through the ranks and would beat out scarcely know, and never to be known well, Alaskan governor Sarah Palin to be the Republican parties choice for Vice President in the 2008 before winning the Presidential Election in 2016. 

 Palin is a relative unknown in a world with Derekina. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?

Ray Lewis - Yoga Instructor -- One…In…Two…Out…

Rachael Lewis had quite the mean streak as a child. She would just start yelling at random people who would have no idea who she was or what she was talking about, “Oh, I’ve got a fat ass, do I???” “You think my dog’s a slut???” “You think I’m a crazy ho???” Then Rachael would attack, usually leaving the confused KFC patron -- that’s where she worked -- naked on a street corner with three pieces of original recipe chicken. Finally caught and sent to juvie, Rachael was taught to control her rage by using ancient meditation and breathing practices, we call yoga. Today Rachael is one of the most beloved instructors in Baltimore and rarely kills a student.

 You may think you're good, but Rachael could make you great...or kill you in a moment of rage.

Apolo Anton Ohno - Ballet Dancer -- She move, she move like a breeze…

Have you ever taken a minute just to watch ballet? I haven’t either, but had we, we might have said to ourselves, that’s pretty darn neat. That’s what Polly Anton Ohno thought, so she decided to give it a try. Turns out she had some wicked quick feet and looked hella baller in a tight spandex suit. You may have seen her in Les Sylphide or Swan Lake, but odd are you didn’t, because you’re not cultured like French people.

 This is Apolo. Take away the Gotee... Polly.

Alex Rodriguez - Model Gone Montag -- Natural talent not enough…

Alexa Rodriguez was a beautiful, skinny swimsuit model who wanted more. See…when Alexa looked in the mirror she didn’t see the same beautiful girl that everyone else saw-- think Heidi Montage only Alexa was actually good looking. So Alexa went under the knife getting lots of surgeries that I will now list for you --  eyelid reduction, nose revision, nipple raisers, fat injections in forehead and ass, lower back augmentation, chin roundification, neck liposuction. With all of the enhancements Alexa was considered somewhat of a cheater and ultimately she was resigned to stripping in a Hooters in Southern Florida…she has six children with seven different fathers.

Picture this, but hotter. That's what we're missing out on.

Roger Federer - Stay At Home Mother -- Roger always had dinner on the table at seven…

Not an overly attractive woman, Robin Federer had to do the little things to get a man. She cooks like Julia Childs, makes babies like Kate Gosselin -- I know, let’s not get into semantics -- raises children like Marry Poppins and pleasures her man like Lil Kim, and she does it all while making six figures from home. But I must stress again…she’s not very good looking, and thus, even with all of these talents, still had to settle for an overweight, unattractive, lazy husband.

 Sooo...picture him looking like...her.

Cristiano Ronaldo - Smokin’ Hot Tease -- You want it, you want it, you can’t have it…

Christiana Ronaldo is one smoking hot babe with even smokinger body parts. The problem, not that anyone has trouble looking past it -- at her perfect breasts! -- she knows it, and she puts her own pussy on a pedestal the Gods on Mt. Olympus have to strain their necks to look up at. Her favorite game? She lets you pay for an extravagant dinner, lets you pay for Dom at the club, lets you want her more than you want Reese Witherspoon after watching Cruel Intentions, and then she gives you a kiss on the cheek and you never see her again. Bull shit Christiana; We fork out the dough, we get some mo! That ain’t new girl!

 That, but a girl...any takers?

Serena Williams… Wait… Serena is a girl? Awkward…

 Am I missing something here? Or is everyone else?

Albert Pujols - Softball player -- Dude was just born to mash balls…

A thick, ugly Latin American girl, Alberta was made fun of for most of for most of her youth. That’s until she discovered a bat in the shed behind her school. After beating down twenty some odd boys in her class, a teacher threw a cantaloupe at Alberta in an attempt to knock her out. Witnesses claim that Alberta hit the cantaloupe around 450 ft over a small well that the school used for drinking water. A few weeks later Scott Boras had Alberta in the US with a green card. In the years to come she would make Jessica Mendoza look like an attractive, subpar softball player.

Aberta makes Jessica look like a model.

Adam "Pac Man" Jones - Stripper -- Make it rain…

Amy “Ms. Pac Man” Jones always had a love for dark areas, sleezy men and poles. It’s no wonder she became a stripper. There is really not much else to say here…

Warren Sapp - Cave Dweller -- She made Precious look like Hallie Berry…

Three hundred and thirty pound women are rare and not really in demand these days. That is why after not making it onto the Biggest Loser and missing out on a movie role in the movie Precious, Warrina Sapp decided to get away from it all and move into a damp cave in a high mountain. It has been rumored that the book Where the Wild Things Are is loosely based on Warrina and that several Big Foot sightings have actually been a naked Warrina crapping in the woods.

 Warrina?

Lebron James - Receptionist -- Born to be the best…

Even in high school, it was clear to just about everyone that Lebronsha James was “The Chosen One.” She was born to be the greatest…receptionist of all time. Dropping out of high school at the age of fifteen, Lebronsha got a job as a customer service rep at Hewlett Packard and started breaking records! Fastest call resulting in positive feedback -- 2.3 seconds, most consecutive calls answered without break -- 2,094, fastest call back after dropped call, 1.4 seconds, most consecutive calls without a frustrated sigh -- 295,455,342 and counting… Lebronsha put the customer back in customer service and did it making $8.75 an hour. She is already forgotten by those who knew her.

Phil Mickleson - Porn Star -- If you got it, flaunt it…

Sitting at career day at the age of eight, Phyllis Mickleson wanted to be a fire fighter. Her teachers encouraged her with a smile, but they knew that there was only one profession for a second grader with D-cup breasts. Phyllis was going to be a porn star -- and a damn good one she would become. Known in the biz as “Lefty Breasty” for her larger left breast (HH compared to FF), Phyllis brings a friendly smile and a “not afraid to be second best” attitude to your laptop computer. Unfortunately for Phyllis she’s not the clutchest of p-stars and often chokes at the end of scenes. Oh well, she’ll get better with more experience. Let’s remember, she is only eighteen. 

If he was a girl they would be HUGE...R

Looks like these professional athletes would make some pretty special ladies. I don't think I'm alone when I say that I am extremely upset they were born men.

Next Article: Public Restroom Etiquette -- It's never okay to complement their shoes. Never.

If Robots Played Sports

I think we all worry about it. Not every second, but once or twice a minute. It’s going to change everything we thought we knew about sports. People are talking, I’ve heard them. Not just guys either; women, old people, nerds, Asians. It’s on everyone’s mind. What is going to happen when we start making robots that play sports? (Albert Pujols doesn’t count because there‘s no proof except for the fact that he’s way better than any other human.)

This is how it happens in my lucid dream: It starts with one super smart, super unathletic man or woman getting cut from his science lab’s slow pitch softball team because he keeps choking on sun flower seeds while riding the pine. Other players shout, “If you’re going to choke on it, don’t put it in your mouth!” but it will fall on deaf ears because by that point he is already passed out.

A week or so later when he gets released from the hospital -- if you were wondering, he did not have any visitors -- he heads back to his lab on a mission: how can he not be a loser anymore? Unfortunately, he’s already in too deep. The nickname “Baby Dick Bradford” kind of sealed his fate, but he can still make his wrath felt. What group of people makes him feel the worst? Women make him feel unloved and unwanted, but he deserves that; he looks like a Twizzler with a rib cage. Kids make him feel old and unwanted, but they’re just stupid kids, and Asians make him feel unintelligent and unwanted, but their test scores back it up, so there is nothing he can do. Athletes! They are the group that makes him feel the worst. They prance around hitting homeruns and scoring touchdowns, sleeping with supermodels, getting interviewed by Erin Andrews --that was his dream -- and now it’s passed him by. But wait, if he can’t have it, no one should; maybe there’s a way for him to ruin it for everyone. So he grabs a piece of metal, a micro chip and a hammer and in roughly seven minutes he has…a sport playing robot.

You really can't say enough here -- ESPN knows me

So he unveils the robot and everyone is like, “bull shit!” Especially Zack Greinke who says, “ain’t no robot gonna hit my nasty junk ball!” but then the robot does. He takes Greinke deep twice in an exhibition game. Suddenly things just got real. Players still hate Robo-Baller, but managers…they love him. It’s just like getting a Japanese player who doesn’t cause any trouble and can’t talk to any of the other players on your team, except cheaper and more durable. Soon every GM is bidding on Robo-Baller for their team, but athletes are pissed off and don’t want to play with it, it’s a robot! Kevin Garnett is especially agitated and he says, “I don’t want to play with no F@#$ing robots,”but then everyone pauses and is like… “oh snap! Haven’t we seen this before?” BOOM! Jackie Robinson! That’s what the white players said, and how do we feel about that now? Pretty not okay. So the black players are like, “shit! We messed up” and the white players are like “cool” because they are kind of off the hook for that whole ordeal now, but bottom line, the robot gets to play because it’s damn good and deserves to play.

 No one is making that mistake again -- Jackie paved the way for robots

So yeah, first few games the robot takes a lot of shit from the fans because it can’t hit the knuckleball or tackle Chris Johnson -- not that anyone can -- or play in the rain. And yes, Arizona fans chant, “where are your papers?” when he plays there, but he starts to fit in, even excel, and eventually starts to date Kate Hudson because she loves big strong athletes. Team unity is a problem because he refuses to shower with the rest of the team, but fans want more robots!

So robots start to take over sports. There are certain sports they are only decent at -- football, futbol, water polo, swimming, tennis, but other sports they dominate. Have you ever seen one of those pitching machines that can throw knuckleballs, screwballs and one-hundred mph fastballs? Well, they exist, and these robots have them as arms.  Robot pitchers make Steven Strausburg look like Mitch Cohen-- he was the worst pitcher my year in little league…sweet kid, God awful baseball player. Baseball, basketball, sprinting, golf, bowling, bocce ball, robots obviously dominate these sports because they are very mechanical. Moving fast or throwing something a particular way over and over again is what they are so good at.

 Mitch never had that wow factor

Soon robot wages become a huge issue.  They have no need for money, what they want instead are women -- not robot women either, human women. Obviously this sounds great to the managers, women would be much cheaper than money, and since robots have extremely low standards, it should be easy, but it’s not. It’s never easy with XX’s. Women, in classic form, refuse to act as compensation for robot athletic play, and upon hearing this, the robots get extremely mad, kill their unathletic maker, and sign a suicide pact with their robot brethren, and after a beautiful picnic on an overcast day…there are no more robot athletes.

You can look at it one of two ways: it’s yet another thing that women have ruined for men, because robots really were exceptional athletes, or you could argue that by staying true to their core values and valuing themselves as people, women saved sports for humans.

My Take: When will women start thinking about someone other than themselves?

Next Post: What do Woody Page, a crouton and a sock all have in common? -- It’s not the obvious choice.

Ten Sports You Probably Didn’t Know Were Sports Because They Weren’t -- Until Now

Snobby purists like to say that you need “a ball” or “puck” or “disk” and “other players” and “a referee” and “people who care” to consider what you’re doing a sport. They would say, basketball, football, baseball, hockey, soccer, tennis, Ultimate Frisbee: those are sports. I say bull tit! What about NASCAR! That’s considered a crappy sport. Does that mean driving fast is a sport or do you need to be going around a track and wearing a seatbelt? What about running? If I go for a jog am I sporting it up or do I have to be running against other people, on a course, with a number and shortie shorts? No! I’m calling shenanigans here! SHENANIGANS!!!

If you’ve got the fire, the unyielding desire, if you go harder and faster than you thought you could, sweating more than you think you should...then you’re playing a sport all right, and odds are you’re the best at it because you’re the only one playing! It feels good to be the best, doesn’t it?

Here are seven sports you might not have seen on ESPN or ESPN2 or ESPN3 or even ESPNU, but they’re sports all right and you just might see someone playing one of them sooner than you think.

Cow Kicking (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 4/8 = .5)

 

How the Game Is Played: Find a cow -- kick said cow in the face -- acquire as much milk from cow as possible before it knocks you out cold.

"Kick me in the face. Make. My. Day." - Cow

 This isn’t the kind of sport you play after work or without health insurance. This is a sport that requires practice. Unless you’ve trained with calves and deer, you are surely not ready for a full grown cow. There will be hoof to face contact, can you handle that? You will be touching and tugging on a cow’s udder, you comfortable doing that.

Why it is more of a sport than UFC: Can you even fathom the physical and mental wear and tear of milking an enraged cow? Here’s some help: Imagine kicking Brock Lesnar in the face and then trying to wack him off. Seriously, does that sound like fun? Now picture Lesnar five times as large in the shape of a cow who craps whenever and wherever he wants and views you as a large mouse he wants to kill! NOW, give him a large external vagina that you tug on to produce milk. Yeah, that’s a sport and a half. Move over UFC, welcome UCK.

 

Shroomeration (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 3/8 = 3.75)

 

How the Game is Played: Take shrooms -- Play operation.

 This game is messed up enough not on shrooms.

This is a precision game on a hallucinogen. With the voltage cranked up to near deadly levels, removing that femur can be life and death. Can you handle the pressure? Keep your hands from shaking? Pick which of the four arm bones is the real one? Play through the pain? 

Why it’s more of a sport than archery: Archery is a precision sport played with no distractions and no penalties for missing. Here is my question: why do they ever miss the bull’s-eye? That’s all you need to practice, shooting an arrow at a target. If you miss, you don’t get shocked, you’re not on drugs, what is so hard about that? Picture this... You wipe sweat from your brow as you try to focus down the site of your bow. You just took your second hit of shrooms and you’re not really sure which of the four dancing targets you’re supposed to hit. You better make up your mind, because if you’re off by even a quarter inch, the platform below your feet opens and drops you into a giant bee hive. Heart racing? That’s what shroomeration is, that is a sport! 

Running From The Cops (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 10/4 = 2.5)

 

How the Game is Played: Get drunk at a party -- the cops break it up -- run like the wind.

No one said you had to be drinking under-aged. If you run, they will run after you, trust me. That said...it is best to not be eighteen yet...that's all I'm going to say. Just get away and it's all cool.

Using a bike is C-H-E-A-T-I-N-G!

It’s a risk reward sport; the drunker you are, the harder it is to run, or climb, or keep up your stamina, but the less falling hurts and the less sweet victory is. Now a days, it’s not all that cool to run from a party when the cops show up, in high school…it was just what you did. It’s one of my biggest regrets. See I was always that kid who…didn’t have to run because…he was a good talker and…wasn’t at the party…(sigh)

Why it is more of a sport than 100 meter dash: Ummmm…hello? There are people with guns chasing you-- not that they are going to shoot you, but still. You have to jump fences, scale walls, avoid pools, hide… YOU’RE DRUNK! You’re trying look cool for a girl you’re trying to get with, while you try to keep from getting arrested. The footing is constantly changing between pavement, grass, woods, passed out bodies… This is 100x the sport the 100 meter dash is, but I admit Usain Bolt would still be the best. 

 Fast is fast.

Duration Gaming -- Video Games from 1 PM to 5 AM -- 16 Hours (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 8/2 = 4)   

How the Game is Played: Sit down at your gaming console -- play for 16 straight hours. 

 Call me crazy, but I don't think she's gonna make it!

Try doing anything for 12 straight hours, even sleeping, it’s tough. No bathroom breaks, no nourishments, no company, it’s just you and that television…and your eyes are starting to water and it’s only hour ten.

 

Why it’s more of a sport than golf: Try staying awake, keeping your eye-sight in check, holding in your bowl movements. A round of golf takes about five hours. How often do guys play 54 holes in one day? Never, because they couldn’t make it. Duration gaming takes endurance, dedication, you’re competing against more people (online players), it’s tougher on your hands and you don’t have a caddy to help you out.

Beer Pong -- Beirut (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 9/1 = 9 -- varies by shape of partners face)   

How the Game is Played: Toss a ping pong ball across a table -- make it land in a solo cup partially filled with beer -- repeat steps one and two, ten times. 

 You're telling me that's not a sport? Two of those kids died!

A ping pong ball has a diameter of 40mm, two of them fit into a solo cup at the same time. If basketball is a shotgun execution, beer pong is a 200 meter snipe shot. 

Why it’s more of a sport than bowling: Ten pins -- Ten cups. Big heavy ball -- Small light ball. Rolling -- Throwing… That’s where the comparisons end. Bowlers don’t have distractions, no psych-outs, rebuttals, aren’t working on a severe buzz. You want pressure? Try standing next to the girl of your dreams -- the kind of girl who doesn’t like losers -- staring across the table at one last solo cup, looking down at the ball in your hand, seeing two, and knowing that EVERYTHING is on the line.

Drinking while doing anything makes it harder…well, drinking a lot makes everything harder.  Add good looking girls, drunk friends and a ceiling fan… Beer Pong makes bowling look like pocket pool.

Ice Cold Showering -- Full Wash and Shampoo (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 1/5 = .2)   

How the Game is Played: Don’t pay your heating bill -- Need to shower for work -- Man up and do it! 

Ice Cold Showering takes discipline; you need to have a game plan. You can’t just jump into the ice cold water or your heart will give way. You need to put mind above body, work the edges of the shower. There are no sliding shorts in ice cold showering, it’s just you a loofah and the water. 

 I don't know what this is, but it's NOTHING like Ice Cold Showering.

Why it’s more of a sport than figure skating: You’re naked, if you fall there isn’t enough room to not smack your face on something, not only are you cold, you have to touch the cold, you have to soap up and shampoo, there are no judges and no prize… This is a sport that asks the question, how bad to you want that girl at work to think you smell good?

  

Smelly Sauna or The Other Hot Box (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 2/8 = .25)

 

How the Game is Played: On a long drive -- in the middle of August -- roll up the windows -- lock the doors -- lay a wicked fart -- count the seconds until you pass out. 

 Oh, they played...and they lost.

This is not a game for the faint of fart. You control your own destiny. Some only last a few seconds before careening into the guard rail, others battle for hours, reaching their destination and fresh air. 

Why it’s more of a sport than bobsledding: Smelly Sauna takes the willpower to overcome your own shortcomings. You have to watch your diet, be able to hold your breath for long periods of time and not be friends with any members of the opposite-- this is usually a given if you are even considering playing. During smelly sauna you have to steer your car; bobsledding you’re just whipping down a track, it’s incredibly dangerous-- when you pass out, you have no idea where you’ll end up. You can play solo, two-man, four-man, or, with an SUV, up to eight-man! Your prize isn’t an Olympic medal, it’s the ability to breath again, and for the purists, that’s more than enough. 

Not Letting Your Standards Slip Late Night At The Club: (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- -2/(N/A) = undefined)

 

How the game is played: As you throw back drinks at the club -- don’t let you’re “only above 7” standards turn into “anything that moves.” 

 It was late, she's had a few drinks and it just kind of happened...

You get to the club, you ease around and take in the scene, the smoking hot girls are unapproachable, so you head to the bar. A few drinks later, feeling a little more confident, you try to make eye contact, nothing. Some Red Bull and the club now full, you try the inconspicuous walk by, but they ignore you. A few shots and you’re noticing more and more good looking girls, you try the convo start…It’s too loud. Another drink and you start making your way towards the darker corners, these girls look good too…you think. Why hadn’t you noticed them before? A few more drinks, lights go on, you’re batting zero… they all look good now. You look over at your buddies who are already making face. What you gonna do playa? 

Why it’s more of a sport than dodgeball: You lose a game of dodgeball, you walk to the side of the court in shame, but it’s over, no one will care in an hour. You lose a game of Not Letting Your Standards Slip Late Night At The Club, not only does the following morning almost cripple you, facebook proclaims your loss for life! Dodging a ball is easy. Try dodging fifteen less than attractive girls in a dark club when you’ve had four beers, three SoCo and lime shots and two vodka tonics. How can you dodge what you can’t see? In dodgeball, you have teammates who can catch a ball and get you back in the game, or win the game even if you’ve lost. At the club you only have competition and frienemies. If this girl you found has a cute friend, you think your buddy is going to stop you? I don’t. And all of this goes for girls too! This is why I always wear basketball shoes out at night. Life is sport! 

So please, if any of these sports have caught your fancy, be my guest and grab some solo cups, or a cow, or a car to fart in and start playing. If you’re already playing, someone out there knows you’re an athlete, and if you’re playing something else that you consider a sport, keep it up and maybe one day you’re activity will be recognized as a sport.

Next post: One way to pleasure a girl with a Wii Controller.

At A Certain Point, Competitive Sports -- No Longer Cool

 Please... It's Frisbee...and you're ladies...

I’m about to enlighten you to some shocking information I learned the other day. Apparently, at a certain point, playing competitive sports, like the mohawk, actually is not cool anymore. Don’t get me wrong, at first they were the bee's elbows. Sports were how you made friends and stayed in shape, and the mohawk was a great way to tell people that you probably weren’t going to college and were cool with that; but you better know when to hang up your jock straps-- yes, I wore a jock strap during every sport I played, even golf and bowling, you never know when you’re going to take one in the groin. My wife will thank me some day...that is if she can work around the jock strap-- yes, I wear a jock strap while I make love. I ask you; when are you more exposed to some incidental contact?

So, at a certain point, sports become… uncool, and like that kid who tries way too hard in gym class only to find out that the girls are terrified of him and the other guys are making fun of him… I was clueless. I wasn’t that kid in gym class… okay, maybe… seriously, I wasn’t… I was… or just maybe, he was me? Think about that.

 Dude... It's gym class... You have jeans and glasses on...

So here is what went down earlier this week--

I wander into Macy's to purchase some navy blue, knee high socks for my adult league playoff basketball game, that for some reason I am able to get really amped up about. I start comparing thread counts when a female Macy’s employee approaches me. I would describer her as Gwyneth Paltrow with the face of Katie Perry, the hair of Justin Guarini -- American Idol One? Anyone? -- the legs of Lady Gaga and the eyes of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Now that you have a crystal clear mental image of her, let’s move on. Naturally she was drawn to me, not only because she worked at the store and it was her job, but also because I shower on Saturdays -- only on Saturdays -- and can work up quite an odor around…let’s say Thursday afternoon.

She asks me why I need knee-high socks. Stupid question! Who doesn’t need knee high socks, but I humor her, “Oh, just for a playoff game in my basketball league tonight. No big deal. (insert shoulder wipe off here) We’re the two seed, whatever (insert faux fade away three pointer here with smile, wink, and point at Macy’s employee).” To my surprise she did not start making out with me, instead her face scrunched up and she groaned, “You still play competitive sports? Weren’t you supposed to give those up when you stopped being good enough to play on the real team?”

 For this poor little guy competitive sports ended before they began.

I was flummoxed to say the least. I sprinted from the store, sped back to my apartment and buried my face in my pillow. LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT! You’re telling me that chicks don’t dig 25 year-old washed up athletes, who wear knee-high socks in the consolation game of a noncompetitive, six foot and under, adult basketball league playing after hours in an undersized middle school gym??? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? Could all women really feel this way? These are quadruple-thread knee-highs for heaven’s sake! I splurged! What’s next? It’s not cool to lay out for a 4’11”, 85 pound girl’s bloop pop-up in my co-ed kickball league? Is that what’s next? Guess what? It’s not next, it’s already gone. Not alright either! When did trying hard and being good at sports become not cool?

 

After just under six hours of crying in my bed -- I missed my game. We lost by 12, but both teams went out for salads and Mike’s Hard Lemonades after, and enjoyment was shared by all -- I came to the easy answer: The day you stopped being on a team with a coach, or the day you weren’t on the A-team anymore, or the day shirts and skins became a valid replacements for jerseys, or the day you looked to your right and noticed that there was a girl on the other team, or the day your parents stopped coming to your games, or the day the referee was a kid four years your junior, or the day someone said “Bro, turn it down a notch,” and people on your team agreed with him. That was the day, can you remember yours? For some, that was 4^th grade, for others, it just hit you square in the nuts. That wooden bat, fast pitch baseball league you thought was bringing back some of your high school swag…doing quite the opposite. To quote a possibly drunk, almost definitely insane older black man:

“Pants on the ground
Pants on the ground
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground.”

 Crazy homeless man or prophetic genius?

Try and tell me this line doesn’t apply here. Maybe if we look at it literally, it doesn’t, but this man had deeper meaning for this verse. See, he’s not really talking about pants, or the ground for that matter, he’s talking about life. If you’re the “person” with his “pants” on the “ground,” then you are behind the times, the world is “changing” around you and you’re stuck looking like a fool. Sports are fun while you’re on the “real” team, but when you’re not good enough to make it anymore -- if you are out of college that does in fact mean a professional team -- maybe it’s time to take up a non-competitive leisure activity like antiquing. Just a thought…

Author's Note: Forget everything I just said and really give 100% in your house wives’ doubles tennis match this week. If you’re not winning, they are, and if they’re winning, they think their kids are better than yours. WHICH IS BULLSHIT! It’s not my fault my mother sucks at tennis!

Moving Optional -- Dying Probable.

Also, screw that woman at Macy's, she couldn’t close a sure fire sale. What a loser. LONG LIVE COMPETITIVE SPORT!

Next Post: How to build a barometer with a violin and a slice of rye bread.

I Sprained My Ankle, And It Changed My Life… For The Much Worse

You are frolicking down the beach, enjoying some great family fun, and then it happens, as quick as a ninja in the dark of night...

OOOOAHHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!! It's broken!!! YES, I'M SURE!!!!!

It's never actually broken...

You know that rapper, Drake? Well he’s sort of a big deal right now, and by sort of, I mean that Sprite commercial blows. His songs are all right, but his real contribution to society is the truest line in rap history, “like a sprained ankle boy I ain’t nothing to play with.” Let me take a small step backwards. That is not actually the truest line in the history of rap music, that would obviously be “ladies is pimps too, go on brush your shoulders off,” so eloquently put by Jay-Z, and I’d rather “play” with Drake than a lot of other rappers out there, but a sprained ankle being nothing to play with? That shit is for real!

 Does bro look like he wants to "play" right now?

Remember in high school when you saw that really cute JV soccer player on crutches and you went over and helped her with her books, and while you were grabbing her backpack you asked her what was wrong, and she said that she had sprained her ankle? Are you remembering this? You acted like that was the most horrible injury in the world because you really wanted to get in her pants, but inside you were thinking, “this chicks a pussy!” Remember that! THAT WAS BULL SHIT ON YOUR PART! You’re the pussy for not understanding the ramifications of a sprained ankle if not properly treated. Drake clearly had a bad experience and now so have I! Bitch! Yeah! Sit down!

Don't play that game unless you respect her... I mean the injury... I mean both... but mostly the injury.

Deep Breaths… Deeper… Deeper… That a boy…

A few months ago, pissed off that I looked like a real wimp because I told everyone that my ankle must be severely broken, only to go to the stupid hospital and find out that it was only sprained; I started walking on my swollen, black and blue ankle three days after what is known in my circle -- yes, it’s a one man circle -- as an extremely severe high ankle sprain -- this is the stigma against ankle sprains, I still feel as though I have to defend myself! With the crutches chafing my underarms and the need for some freakin’ gummy bears, I threw on a pair of my fat-footed-friend’s shoes, turned my injured foot outward at a forty-five degree angle, and I started to limp.

 Little did I know that like this gummy bear, I would soon be in a pretty awful place.

Trip Recap: Three blocks -- six hours -- the store was out of gummy bears -- a homeless man tried to touch me -- and, and...

Now, a lot of months later, my ankle still isn’t healed. It still hurts when I take an uneven step, and let’s be honest, it will never be the same! I will never be able to play competitive bocce ball again and that doesn’t sit well with me. All because I didn’t have respect for the sprain. You’ve probably heard an old person somewhere say, “a bad sprain is worse than a break” or “don’t treat a sprain, you’re insane” or maybe even “swollen sprained ankle, left untreated will itch. Thought you were the man, well you look like a bitch!” That last one was my gramp's favorite, but I thought he was just an old cat licking loony. I bet he’s laughing somewhere right now asking “who’s the cat licking loony now?” I am grampa, I am.

 That dog would get along well with my grampa. They share a love most don't understand.

I think we need to usher in a new age; an age where all injuries are treated with the same dignity and respect. All injuries can be serious and all of them need to be considered such…except a cramp -- that’s just lame -- and being sore -- suck it up and be a man -- and a headache -- are you kidding me? -- and a cut -- what? My mom battles through cuts -- and… Yeah, this isn’t going to work… So here is the rule: Don’t call someone a pussy when they are injured and they won’t call you one when you get injured. However, if it is one of the previously noted injuries, you may call them a pussy behind their back, because let's be honest, they kind of are one. Sound good? Good.

So if your buddy asks you what you learned today, you will say: Sprained ankles are legit injuries, and the dude who wrote the post that taught me that is most definitely not a pussy. 

Annnnnnd we’re good.

1-2-3-Dead! -- Sports Edition

So you've just watched three baseball games in a row, but it's a QUADRUPLE HEADER! and your girlfriend won't let you play video games because she just loves the Houston Astros (It's not going to work out, she's a closet lesbo). As the Royals come to bat in the bottom of the first -- it's interleague play -- you're attention starts to wander, you think; “I wonder what the craziest way for that player to die right now is.” That guy - the one fingering his butt crack in center field, what would have to happen for him to be on the ground dead next time I look up from my lightly toasted, chipotle dressed, foot long Italian BMT?

Naturally, you have your random heart failure, seizure, or sniper, but those don’t count-- they could happen to anyone at anytime. Did you know that three porn scarlets a year die of heart failure while on the job? No? That's because I just made it up. Moving on, what I’m talking about are sport related deaths; a fast ball to the temple, falling asleep at the race car wheel, wandering across the field looking for the nearest port-a-john at a javelin meet. I’ve lost far too many close friends at javelin meets…

So here it is, sport by sport, just enough for you to get a nice mental picture, but not enough to make you sad. Remember, sometimes it doesn’t take five seconds, it takes three--

1-2-3-Dead! Sports Edition!

Soccer

A shot is ripped from just outside the box - the goalie dives - head - post - Dead!

- I don’t know how we don’t see this collision more, for the first time ever, I saw a goalie wearing a weird “Natalie Portman from Garden State” helmet the other day. The fear of this happening is why I never played soccer goalie. Most likely you’d just get knocked out or a concussion, but I’ve been told many times that I have a really weak neck.

 If you think that's necessary, maybe you just shouldn't be playing...

or (alternate label)

I know one player who's not getting laid after the game.

Hockey

A fight breaks out, skate comes off - blade - jugular - Dead!

- I have to give Happy credit for this one, after all, he’s the only person to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.

Baseball

Batter swings - bat breaks - fielder goes to field ball - takes shard of bat to the heart - Dead!

- Anyone who watches baseball has seen a few close calls, Teixeira had one the other night and everyone remembers Clemens throwing the bat-shard at Mikey P. This will happen, someone will get stuck in the next five years. Will he take it in the heart? Hopefully not.

 Vampires would run from that chunk of wood!

Basketball

Sweet dish from under the basket - Shaq stuffs - basket comes down…on your face - Dead!

- How has no one ever been seriously injured by baskets falling? These new “snap down” baskets only make it more dangerous! They come down FAST! I don’t want Shaq as my teammate, mainly because he’s horrible, but also for survival reasons. Then again, I’m a pussy.

You want to be standing under there?

*Bonus Basketball*

Clock winds down on NCAA championship - in moment of joy player hurls ball high into the air - walk-on sprints onto the court to celebrate - ball comes right down on his head - Dead!

- I watch for this every time a player throws the ball into the air! Best I’ve ever seen is a cheerleader take the ball in the face on one bounce. She went down hard and was stampeded by the student section charging the court! If Lebron had thrown that ball up and it had come down straight on her head? It would have ended her life.

Football

Quarterback overthrows ball - wide receiver runs through end zone - is impaled by machine - Dead!

- last year I saw a college player badly injured on a play like this. I don’t know what the machine was, it wasn’t a tractor, it might have been some advanced snow plow, whatever it was, if he had tripped - Dead!

Tennis

Both players sprint up to the net for a fierce volley - player one trips as he hits a downward shot, falls over the net - player two bends to hit the ball, racket perpendicular to the ground - player one face plants onto the handle of player two’s racket - chokes - Dead!

- Yeah, this one…don’t hold your breath for it to happen. Your best bet in tennis is realistically someone diving into one of the poles that hold up the net, but that’s so typical, and a ball girl would hopefully save them.

Bowling

Bowler’s bowling shoes were shinned to thoroughly- bowler slips backwards as he throws - fourteen pound ball flies into the air - lands on face - Dead!

- A bowler could slip on loads of things, where there is a fourteen pound ball of fury, there is danger.

 Does it look like this ball is smiling at you? - Dead!

Fencing

Safety tip at end of epee falls off... It’s a sword for heaven’s sake - Dead!

- When someone has a sword…shit usually goes down. Not unlike when "Pac Man" Jones goes to a strip club.

Horse Racing

Jockey falls off horse - other horses don’t care - Dead!

- Calvin Borel wouldn’t fall, but other riders might. It’s why I don’t get on horses, I don’t look out for bugs when I step, horses don’t look out for us.

 What if he was on the other side of that horse? - Dead!

Javelin

Participant sneezes as he launches his javelin - everyone within 50-yards ducks - one dude takes it the javelin in the back of the head - Dead!

- People have allergies, we’ve all seen that video on Kazaa, javelins have impaled people before.

Boxing

Tyson’s right hand - your face - Dead!

- People have died before.

 The people in the background seem to have already moved on with their lives.

Skeet Shooting

Man with rifle is called for a foot fault - turns to referee - Dead!

- You tell a man with a gun he lost. I’ll be the guy slowly backing away.

Skiing

Patch of ice - cliff - Dead!

- I like skiing, but I often stand on the mountain staring past a thin plastic fence at a 200 ft drop and think…that’s not stopping me from dying.

 Let's be honest, that guy died.

Mountain Climbing

You can’t hold on any longer - Dead!

- I’ve tried those climbing walls in gyms, three pegs, that’s how high I can get. Which actually makes me feel safe. My body can handle that fall. Get up a little higher…a lot can go wrong.

You want to play sports anymore? I didn’t think so. Learn how to juggle lawn mowers or some other safe activity.