So you've just watched three baseball games in a row, but it's a QUADRUPLE HEADER! and your girlfriend won't let you play video games because she just loves the Houston Astros (It's not going to work out, she's a closet lesbo). As the Royals come to bat in the bottom of the first -- it's interleague play -- you're attention starts to wander, you think; “I wonder what the craziest way for that player to die right now is.” That guy - the one fingering his butt crack in center field, what would have to happen for him to be on the ground dead next time I look up from my lightly toasted, chipotle dressed, foot long Italian BMT?
Naturally, you have your random heart failure, seizure, or sniper, but those don’t count-- they could happen to anyone at anytime. Did you know that three porn scarlets a year die of heart failure while on the job? No? That's because I just made it up. Moving on, what I’m talking about are sport related deaths; a fast ball to the temple, falling asleep at the race car wheel, wandering across the field looking for the nearest port-a-john at a javelin meet. I’ve lost far too many close friends at javelin meets…
So here it is, sport by sport, just enough for you to get a nice mental picture, but not enough to make you sad. Remember, sometimes it doesn’t take five seconds, it takes three--
1-2-3-Dead! Sports Edition!
Soccer
A shot is ripped from just outside the box - the goalie dives - head - post - Dead!
- I don’t know how we don’t see this collision more, for the first time ever, I saw a goalie wearing a weird “Natalie Portman from Garden State
If you think that's necessary, maybe you just shouldn't be playing...
or (alternate label)
I know one player who's not getting laid after the game.
Hockey
A fight breaks out, skate comes off - blade - jugular - Dead!
- I have to give Happy credit for this one, after all, he’s the only person to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.
Baseball
Batter swings - bat breaks - fielder goes to field ball - takes shard of bat to the heart - Dead!
- Anyone who watches baseball has seen a few close calls, Teixeira had one the other night and everyone remembers Clemens throwing the bat-shard at Mikey P. This will happen, someone will get stuck in the next five years. Will he take it in the heart? Hopefully not.
Vampires would run from that chunk of wood!
Basketball
Sweet dish from under the basket - Shaq stuffs - basket comes down…on your face - Dead!
- How has no one ever been seriously injured by baskets falling? These new “snap down” baskets only make it more dangerous! They come down FAST! I don’t want Shaq as my teammate, mainly because he’s horrible, but also for survival reasons. Then again, I’m a pussy.
You want to be standing under there?
*Bonus Basketball*
Clock winds down on NCAA championship - in moment of joy player hurls ball high into the air - walk-on sprints onto the court to celebrate - ball comes right down on his head - Dead!
- I watch for this every time a player throws the ball into the air! Best I’ve ever seen is a cheerleader take the ball in the face on one bounce. She went down hard and was stampeded by the student section charging the court! If Lebron had thrown that ball up and it had come down straight on her head? It would have ended her life.
Football
Quarterback overthrows ball - wide receiver runs through end zone - is impaled by machine - Dead!
- last year I saw a college player badly injured on a play like this. I don’t know what the machine was, it wasn’t a tractor, it might have been some advanced snow plow, whatever it was, if he had tripped - Dead!
Tennis
Both players sprint up to the net for a fierce volley - player one trips as he hits a downward shot, falls over the net - player two bends to hit the ball, racket perpendicular to the ground - player one face plants onto the handle of player two’s racket - chokes - Dead!
- Yeah, this one…don’t hold your breath for it to happen. Your best bet in tennis is realistically someone diving into one of the poles that hold up the net, but that’s so typical, and a ball girl would hopefully save them.
Bowling
Bowler’s bowling shoes were shinned to thoroughly- bowler slips backwards as he throws - fourteen pound ball flies into the air - lands on face - Dead!
- A bowler could slip on loads of things, where there is a fourteen pound ball of fury, there is danger.
Does it look like this ball is smiling at you? - Dead!
Fencing
Safety tip at end of epee falls off... It’s a sword for heaven’s sake - Dead!
- When someone has a sword…shit usually goes down. Not unlike when "Pac Man" Jones goes to a strip club.
Horse Racing
Jockey falls off horse - other horses don’t care - Dead!
- Calvin Borel wouldn’t fall, but other riders might. It’s why I don’t get on horses, I don’t look out for bugs when I step, horses don’t look out for us.
What if he was on the other side of that horse? - Dead!
Javelin
Participant sneezes as he launches his javelin - everyone within 50-yards ducks - one dude takes it the javelin in the back of the head - Dead!
- People have allergies, we’ve all seen that video on Kazaa, javelins have impaled people before.
Boxing
Tyson’s right hand - your face - Dead!
- People have died before.
The people in the background seem to have already moved on with their lives.
Skeet Shooting
Man with rifle is called for a foot fault - turns to referee - Dead!
- You tell a man with a gun he lost. I’ll be the guy slowly backing away.
Skiing
Patch of ice - cliff - Dead!
- I like skiing, but I often stand on the mountain staring past a thin plastic fence at a 200 ft drop and think…that’s not stopping me from dying.
Let's be honest, that guy died.
Mountain Climbing
You can’t hold on any longer - Dead!
- I’ve tried those climbing walls in gyms, three pegs, that’s how high I can get. Which actually makes me feel safe. My body can handle that fall. Get up a little higher…a lot can go wrong.
You want to play sports anymore? I didn’t think so. Learn how to juggle lawn mowers or some other safe activity.
I was looking through basketball blog posts today and came across yours and I have to say that this was very compelling for me as I read the whole thing, and clearly commented. So keep up the funny way of writing and I am sure that you will continue to bring people to read your holistic belly cures of laughter.
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