I Sprained My Ankle, And It Changed My Life… For The Much Worse

You are frolicking down the beach, enjoying some great family fun, and then it happens, as quick as a ninja in the dark of night...

OOOOAHHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!! It's broken!!! YES, I'M SURE!!!!!

It's never actually broken...

You know that rapper, Drake? Well he’s sort of a big deal right now, and by sort of, I mean that Sprite commercial blows. His songs are all right, but his real contribution to society is the truest line in rap history, “like a sprained ankle boy I ain’t nothing to play with.” Let me take a small step backwards. That is not actually the truest line in the history of rap music, that would obviously be “ladies is pimps too, go on brush your shoulders off,” so eloquently put by Jay-Z, and I’d rather “play” with Drake than a lot of other rappers out there, but a sprained ankle being nothing to play with? That shit is for real!

 Does bro look like he wants to "play" right now?

Remember in high school when you saw that really cute JV soccer player on crutches and you went over and helped her with her books, and while you were grabbing her backpack you asked her what was wrong, and she said that she had sprained her ankle? Are you remembering this? You acted like that was the most horrible injury in the world because you really wanted to get in her pants, but inside you were thinking, “this chicks a pussy!” Remember that! THAT WAS BULL SHIT ON YOUR PART! You’re the pussy for not understanding the ramifications of a sprained ankle if not properly treated. Drake clearly had a bad experience and now so have I! Bitch! Yeah! Sit down!

Don't play that game unless you respect her... I mean the injury... I mean both... but mostly the injury.

Deep Breaths… Deeper… Deeper… That a boy…

A few months ago, pissed off that I looked like a real wimp because I told everyone that my ankle must be severely broken, only to go to the stupid hospital and find out that it was only sprained; I started walking on my swollen, black and blue ankle three days after what is known in my circle -- yes, it’s a one man circle -- as an extremely severe high ankle sprain -- this is the stigma against ankle sprains, I still feel as though I have to defend myself! With the crutches chafing my underarms and the need for some freakin’ gummy bears, I threw on a pair of my fat-footed-friend’s shoes, turned my injured foot outward at a forty-five degree angle, and I started to limp.

 Little did I know that like this gummy bear, I would soon be in a pretty awful place.

Trip Recap: Three blocks -- six hours -- the store was out of gummy bears -- a homeless man tried to touch me -- and, and...

Now, a lot of months later, my ankle still isn’t healed. It still hurts when I take an uneven step, and let’s be honest, it will never be the same! I will never be able to play competitive bocce ball again and that doesn’t sit well with me. All because I didn’t have respect for the sprain. You’ve probably heard an old person somewhere say, “a bad sprain is worse than a break” or “don’t treat a sprain, you’re insane” or maybe even “swollen sprained ankle, left untreated will itch. Thought you were the man, well you look like a bitch!” That last one was my gramp's favorite, but I thought he was just an old cat licking loony. I bet he’s laughing somewhere right now asking “who’s the cat licking loony now?” I am grampa, I am.

 That dog would get along well with my grampa. They share a love most don't understand.

I think we need to usher in a new age; an age where all injuries are treated with the same dignity and respect. All injuries can be serious and all of them need to be considered such…except a cramp -- that’s just lame -- and being sore -- suck it up and be a man -- and a headache -- are you kidding me? -- and a cut -- what? My mom battles through cuts -- and… Yeah, this isn’t going to work… So here is the rule: Don’t call someone a pussy when they are injured and they won’t call you one when you get injured. However, if it is one of the previously noted injuries, you may call them a pussy behind their back, because let's be honest, they kind of are one. Sound good? Good.

So if your buddy asks you what you learned today, you will say: Sprained ankles are legit injuries, and the dude who wrote the post that taught me that is most definitely not a pussy. 

Annnnnnd we’re good.