Judging your preseason fantasy team is a lot like sitting on your bed talking with a fully clothed porn star. You like what you see, you're excited about the future, but does it really make any sense? You've done the research, you've drafted your team and now you want to fuck it. That's why we play the game, right? But you also have your doubts. You've played fantasy before, but never in this league. These guys have played a lot of fantasy sports. They've done things, made trades, that you didn't think were possible. Graphic, flat out disrespectful 4 for 1 deals that caused you to close your computer and sit in absolute darkness for hours wondering if it was even worth going on knowing that one manager could take on four huge players like that. Questions flood your brain. What if Josh Hamilton doesn't bounce back? What if Lela Star doesn't actually get tested every week? What if Roy Halladay doesn't transition well to the National League? What if I go black and really do never want to go back? What if Steven Strasburg doesn't make it to the majors this year? He's soooo good! What if Tori Black is actually only 17? She's soooo hot! What if Carlos Pena can't bring up his average? What if I can't get it up? It's nerve racking. I know. But nothing has happened yet. What you are doing makes no sense. All that matters is how it ends.
So how should we spend the last week before the season begins? Doing something that does make sense of course. Comparing my fantasy team to their porn star complements -- So you can really visualize how great my team is going to be.
Catcher: Miguel Montero aka Keri Sable
Montero and Sable might not be Frat House names yet, but they're poised for a big year!
Let's get one thing straight. These are both top tier catchers. Montero has been waiting for a full time job since his monster 2005 season at Single A Lancaster and last year when Chris Snyder went down, he got it. Boy did he deliver hitting .294 with 16 home runs and 59 RBI. Imagine what he'll do in a full season. The same can be said for Ms. Sable. No longer doubting that the industry is the right place for her, a weight has been lifted and we can expect BIG things in her this year.
First Base: Adrian Gonzalez aka Zafira
In different markets these could be top ten picks.
Elite talent trapped in small markets (sigh). Adrain Gonzalez hit 40 home runs and drove in 99 runs last year hitting in one of the weakest lineups in recent memory. He was walked 119 times! That's more than Albert Pujols! He'll be solid, but if he ever gets traded...watch out. Similarly Zafira is a stone cold hottie, but she's done everyone she can do in Hungary. It's time for a move to LA to show the world what she can really do, and to meet me of course. A change of scenery is the only thing holding these two unreal, all natural talents back from superstardom!
Second Base: Dustin Pedroia aka Lela Star
Don't let their size fool you. They are two of the best.
5'9" and 5'1" they are two of the smallest players in their fields, but what they lack in size they make up for below, and above, their breast plates. Pedroia has won both the AL Rookie of the Year and the AL MVP. Star brought home the 2007 Adam Film World Guide Award for Best Latin Starlet and is looking to cash in again this year at the AVN Awards for Best All-Girl Group Sex Scene -- She deserves it. Trust me! They may be diminutive, but their future success could not loom larger.
Third Base: Alex Rodriguez aka Jenna Jameson
You have to give them credit. They were willing to do whatever it took to get on top.
If you compare a 1997 picture of Alex Rodriguez with a 2010 one, you might not even realize you’re looking at the same person. If you do the same with Jenna Jameson, I guarantee you won’t! But that’s the business they work in and who are we to judge? They are the best at what they do. Don't tell me about Pujols and Haze being better right now. I don't care! These are icons, brand names, legends. Surgery, steroids, more surgery, more steroids, they did it all, and you know what? It worked. They got to the top. A Rod is still a top 3 pick and Jenna is still a top 3 late night option. There are no ifs with these two. They are going to deliver top-of-the-line performances night in and night out and for that I will not apologize!
Shortstop: Derek "The Captain" Jeter aka Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy
It's rare when an athlete gets bigger than his sport, but these two have.
A lot of baseball players have injected steroids into their bodies and a lot of porn stars have injected fat into their penises. I don't really care. That said, if I found out that Derek Jeter had used steroids I would stop watching baseball and if I found out that Ron Jeremy had plumped up his penis I would stop having sex. These men are above their sports and with that comes a lot of responsibility. How are they handling it? I'd say pretty well. Jeter has won five World Series titles and made 10 All Star teams, and Ron was recently ranked number one on AVN's "Top 50 Porn Stars of All Time List." Oh, he also has a 9.75 inch penis. Jeter's you ask? I can't confirm anything, but I'm guessing around 8.25.
Outfield: Chris B. Young, Juan Rivera and Josh Hamilton aka Sasha Gray
They might not make you sweat right now, but just wait until mid-season.
Sasha Gray isn't your typical "Girlfriend Experience" and my outfield isn't your typical "fantasy experience" -- Outfield is supposed to be your strength not your weakness. A lot of teams have issues, my outfield has more. Drug addictions, weight problems, injuries, failing to meet expectation, you name it we got it. But just like Sasha Gray, my guys are willing the battle each and every obstacle thrust towards their face with the upmost dignity and class. Three, four, even five obstacles, no problem. Prepare to be amazed.
You probably don't get a boner when you look at Sasha Gray, I'm hoping that you don't get one when you look at my outfield, but by mid-season a mere glimpse at my outfield is going to give you a full on rager the likes of which a Viagra customer service rep has never seen.
Designated Hitter: Vladimir Guerrero aka Lexington Steele
When Vladdy or Lexington find a hole...they can do serious damage.
Though they may be getting on in years, these Hall of Famers still yield two of the biggest sticks in the game, and they aren’t afraid to swing them. Vladdy has a career batting average of .322, has hit 407 home runs, has been invited to 8 All Star games and won the 2004 AL MVP award, and he’s never worn a batting glove. From 2000-2004 Lexington starred in 500 movies and slept with 1,200 women, in 2003 he became the first Male actor to win the AVN Male Performer of the Year Award three time, he has an 11 inch cock, and is rumored to have never worn a condom because the don’t make condoms for horses. Although these two athletes may be on the decline, I’m sure they both still have a few hits left in those bats of theirs.
Starting Pitcher: Tim Lincecum aka Jenna Haze
Just Filthy!
The Freak and a freak, Tim Lincecum and Jenna Haze have taken the extraordinary and made it common place. They are simply put the filthiest around. In the past two seasons Tim Lincecum has gone 33-12 recording 526 strikeouts and posting an ERA of 2.55. He has won both NL Cy Young Awards and is the first fantasy pitcher off the board in all drafts. In the past two years Jenna Haze has done...quite frankly a lot of stuff I don't feel comfortable talking about. But for her work she received the 2009 AVN Award for Female Performer of the Year, a huge honor as I'm sure you all know. We can only pray that these juggernauts can stay at the top of their game and provide us with entertainment for years to come.
Who knows how my fantasy team will do this year? Who knows if their porn star equivalents will fall out of the spotlight? (I do, they won't because they are unbelievable hot) What I do know is that it isn't worth wasting your time thinking or blogging about. I personally have more important things to do...
Well, it's certainly not expected... If you picked WVU, the only Final Four team I got right, nice pick. If you nailed Duke, good work. Sure Duke is a one seed, but Duke has underperformed its seed the past five seasons, usually by more than one round. So well done. If you penciled in Butler?!?! You either went there, got absurdly lucky, are racist or generally believed that Butler was the best team in a region that contained the likes of Syracuse, Kansas State, Pitt and Xavier. Whichever reason it was, I'm not feeling you. You got very lucky. If you picked MichiganState, you probably like the color green. You most likely don't actually watch college basketball and simply fill out a bracket to "be a part of something." Look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? If I was in the bathroom with you, crouching out of site behind the shower curtain, looking at your reflection in the mirror, I would not.
It's not flashy... It simply lacks star factor. How many Final Four players are projected NBA draft picks? Two, both on West Virginia (17. Devin Ebanks and 20. Da'Sean Butler) We knew MichiganState wasn't going to contribute any, shouldn't expect much from Butler, but none from Duke? How the mighty have fallen. Last year's Final Four saw seven players drafted: #3. Hasheem Thabeet - UConn, #13. Tyler Hansbrough - UNC, #18. Ty Lawson - UNC, #28. Wayne Ellington - UNC, #33. Dante Cunningham - Nova, #46. Danny Green - UNC and #52. AJ Price - UConn. Notice anything? SeeMichiganState anywhere? No, I think not. This year Kentucky alone has four potential top twelve picks: #1. John Wall, #5. DeMarcus Cousins, #8. Patrick Patterson, #12. Eric Bledsoe. To bad they...weren't good enough?
It seems like what we have here is a case of good, old-fashioned, team basketball, and what better state to host it than Indiana?
Indiana is team basketball.
Take a closer look at the four teams still remaining. Butler, Duke, WVU and (cough) MichiganState, between them two freshman get any kind of meaningful minutes. Both from Duke; Andre Dawkins and Mason Plumlee average 14 and 12 minutes per game respectively and score 8 points combined -- They aren't exactly Kevin Durant and Michael Beasley. At the other end of the spectrum, sixteen upperclassman play significant minutes and each team has an upperclassman rock as their leader, Matt Howard - Butler, Da'Sean Butler - WVU, Raymar Morgan - MichiganState, Jon Scheyer - Duke. Shockingly, the only team that doesn't start at least three upperclassman...Butler. They start two, but their top seven scorers in 2010? Their very same top seven scorers in 2009, so they know each other pretty well.
Are Freshman Led Champions a Thing of the Past?
When the NBA passed a rule stating that all players must turn 19 during the calendar year of their draft, basketball fans got excited. I got excited. No more of this straight to the NBA bull. At least one year of college ball...and college education for all. What if Kobe Bryant, Lebron James and Kwame Brown... What if Kobe Bryant and Lebron James had gone to college? Would they have lead whatever school they attended to the Championship? I'm not sure about Kobe, he wasn't quite as mature as Lebron as a senior in High School, he had a pretty tame rookie season with the Lakers averaging 7.6 points, 1.9 boards and 1.3 assists, but Lebron? I don't know. I kind of think he would have. He would have been a force, that's for sure. He got the nickname “The King” in high school, that’s almost messed up! Lebron’s rookie season in the NBA he averaged 20.9, 5.5 and 5.9. That's like a foal popping out of its mother, hoping right to it's feet and finishing third in the Kentucky Derby! It doesn’t happen! Not right out of high school.
With the best high school talent now attending college, it appeared to be the era of the freshman one-and-done, not only one year and off to the NBA, one championship and off to the NBA, but that's far from what we’ve seen. In 2009 UNC was all upperclassman, in 2008 Kansas was upperclassman strong, and in 2006 and 2007 Florida won with sophomores (a heady bunch) and then juniors. Look at the freshman phenoms we've been fortunate enough to watch play college ball. In 2007, a freshman laden OhioState team lead by Greg Oden, Michael Connelly and Daequan Cook lost in the finals to an awesome Florida squad. Impressive as it was, they would have lost in the second round if Xavier could make a freaking foul shot. How did other highly touted freshman fair? Kevin Durant - Lost in second round, Michael Beasely - Lost in second round, OJ Mayo - Lost in first round, Tyree Evans - Lost in Sweet Sixteen, John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins - Lost in Elite Eight, Derrick Rose - Lost in Finals. Derrick Rose would have won a championship if Mario Chalmers hadn't hit one of the greatest shots of all time, but then again, that Memphis team had Chris Douglas-Roberts, Joey Dorsey, Antonio Anderson and Robert Dozier, all upperclassmen. Rose was arguably the best player of the bunch, but he far from carried the entire load. We all remember when Carmelo Anthony and Gerry MacNamara led Syracuse to the 2003 national championship as freshman, but looking back, that seems to be the exception, not the rule.
Yeah, he did that Derek Rose. Maybe it was all the physics classes.
If you think this year’s Final Four is devoid of top tier talent, lacking of rivalry, missing that wow factor... You're right. Maybe it is. But maybe top tier talent should stay around for a few years if they want to win a title. Maybe other kids want to win titles too. Maybe you want it more every year you try and fail. Maybe playing as a team is what college basketball is about and maybe, just maybe, if MichiganState wasn't involved this would be as good as Final Fours get. Maybe you should watch and see for yourself.
GOD DAMN IT MICHIGANSTATE! STOP COMING TO OUR PARTY AND VOMITING ALL OVER EVERYTHING!!!!
As is par for the course, an extremely punchable Michigan State Spartan team knocked off my beloved Northern Iowa Farokhmaneshs last night. Not only did it solidify my point that the guy who does the dirty work never gets to bang the girl -- Northern Iowa knocking off Kansas and getting bumped in the next round -- but it proves the truest, most undeniable fact of all; Michigan State is the Grinch who stole March Madness, and its heart is still, and will always be, three sizes too small. THEY ALWAYS DO THIS! (not quite always, but REALLY CLOSE TOO IT!) They single handily ruin the tournament for me each and every year and I have had enough! This is for you Greivis!
Little did Geirvis know he would soon be Michigan Stated.
Michigan Stated - (sometimes abbr. stated) |’sta•ted| (v.) to be unjustly knocked out of the tournament by an unlikable Michigan State team: I should be watching that timeless Northern Iowa team play, but they got stated on Friday night. FML.
The EliteEightReasonsMichiganState Should Not Be Invited To The Dance
8. They are horribly unfun to watch. Absolutely. Horribly. Unfun. Part of it is due to the fact that I'm always rooting against them and they are always winning, but it's sooooo much more than that. They use the entire shot clock almost every possession, usually missing a forced shot with somewhere under five seconds left. As the ball bounds off rim and you breathe a deep sigh of relief...MichiganState grabs the offensive rebound. Of course they do! They dominate rebounding margin every year, and when they grab said offensive rebound, they pull it out and use another 35 seconds. This time they dump it into the center who takes sixteen dribbles in the same place, turns and promptly misses a two foot hook shot. Not to worry, one of his teammates will be waiting to tip it in. Then they play solid, but by means exciting Chris Kramer defense, and if you're still awake you can watch them foul your team, not enough to get you into the double bonus, just enough to bring the game to a crawl.
7. Sans Magic Johnson, one of the greatest basketball players of all time. MichiganState never gives us superstars! They never have the exciting game changer! Their player's mediocre talents don't translate to the next level. It's the system, they aren't good! Some of my favorite teams have been collections of "college guys," players with no chance of playing at the next level -- 2010 Northern Iowa, 2006 West Virgina, 2003 Butler -- but their charm was in the fact that they looked like they had walked out of Jewish community center onto an NCAA tournament court! They had appeal! Koch, Pittsnogle, Gansey, Archie... Who has MichiganState given us? Morris Peterson - sucks, Maurice Ager - sucks, Charlie Bell - sucks, Shannon Brown - seems good, but never plays so his coaches must think he sucks, Eric Snow - has a point guard ever had a worse jump shot, Jason Richardson - decent but nothing special, KEVIN WILLIS??? REALLY??? Give me a break MichiganState! Get some talent, some fun players or stop overachieving.
6. This guy...
Yup. Definitely this guy.
5. When their joke run is over MichiganState gets pounded! Okay. So you have made it to the sweet sixteen, the elite eight, the Final Four, God forbid we have to watch you in the Finals. These are the major TV games. The games everyone watches...and guess who doesn't show up?
2009 Finals: UNC 89 Michigan State 72 - It wasn't really that close.
2008 Sweet Sixteen: Memphis 92 Michigan State 74 - It wasn't really that close
2007 Second Round: UNC 81 Michigan State 67 - It wasn't really that close
2006 First Round: George Mason 75 Michigan 65 - Their one gift to us! But...it wasn't really that close.
Not one of those games was even in the single digits! Does MichiganState give up? They just might.
The FinalFourReasonsMichiganState Should Not Be Invited To The Dance
4. and 3. MichiganState always gets a lucky draw and knocks out the teams that are worth rooting for! Yeah, you're going to say what about last year. Last year as a #2 seed they beat #3 Kansas, #1 Louisville and #1 UConn before losing to #1 UNC. WELL THEY PLAYED THE FINAL FOUR IN MICHIGAN AND THEY HAD THAT AS MOTIVATION FOR THE ELITE EIGHT!
Let's look at this year. Instead of #1. Kansas they get #9. Northern Iowa, instead of #2. OhioState they get #6. Tennessee. Instead of #1. Syracuse or #2. KansasState I'm sure they'll find a way to play #5. Butler in the Final Four. That’s just what they do.
In 2001 MichiganState made it to the Final Four. Who did they beat to get there you ask? #16. AlabamaState, #9. FresnoState, #12 Gonzaga -- when they were fun to root for -- then they had a tough game against #11. Temple... Hmmm... Guess what happened next? You guessed it. They played a #2 seeded Arizona squad and lost by 19. That is soooooo MichiganState.
MichiganState took Blake Stepp from us.
In 2000 when they won the National Championship with Mateen Cleaves -- the one MichiganState player I love and will never speak ill of, notice he was left off the lack of elite talent’s list -- MichiganState played #8. Wisconsin in the Final Four and #5. Florida in the finals!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS??? I challenge you to find a championship team that played two opponents in the Final Four and Finals with seeds adding up to close to 13!!! Done. In 2006 Florida did, #11. George Mason and #2 UCLA. But lets all agree. That was totally different, not only was Florida a #3 themselves, but that George Mason team was FOR REALZ!!!
2. In 1979 Magic Johnson and MichiganState knocked off Larry Bird's CinderellaIndianaState Sycamores. I wasn't alive. It's probably for the best. Classic fucking MichiganState! One of the greatest stories of all time and they shit on it! I can't even talk about it any more...
I've always been cool with Tom Izzo but...
You made a bet, Tom. You lost that bet, Tom. PAY UP, TOM!
1. Tom Izzo is a welcher! Last year Tom Izzo said, nay he promised, that he would shave his head if MichiganState won the Big Ten regular season title. He promised the Michigan State student section, the very students who put their academics on hold to cheer for his team every chance they get, who think Tom Izzo is a Golden God, who crap the green and white every afternoon after lunch and every night before bed. I respect people who make bets where losing means doing something they really don’t want to do. It would suck if Tom Izzo had to shave his head, he would look foolish, but Tom Izzo is a grown ass man and when he loses a bet he needs to pay up! When I was twelve I was watching a tennis match and foolishly bet my dad 5 dollars that Sampras would win. My dad accepted and instantly told me to get him the money by dinner. The match was a rerun! It had been played the previous day! I was an idiot, but I had lost the bet and I would pay or I would never be able to bet with my father again. MichiganState won the Big Ten regular season title last year and Tom Izzo still has not shaved his head...
"I don't lie to my students," Izzo said. "It's going to be embarrassing, but I've done a lot of embarrassing things. This will be one more added to the list."
I watched him on PTI a few days ago, over a year later, and he said something along the lines of, I make a lot of promises. I keep ninety percent of them... I'm not a fool.
You are a fool Tom Izzo! You are one hell of a coach, but you are a fool. Anyone who admits to keeping ninety percent of their promises is a turd! A real man keeps 100% of the promises he can. But I guess no one at MichiganState would know anything about that would they?
(A moment of silence -- so MichiganState will go down to Tennessee in the elite eight)
You've taken so much and given so little MichiganState. You are the mean kid with no friends who shows up at other school's dances completely sober and takes advantage of drunk high school girls. I've had enough. Do me a favor and don't show up to the dance next year. YOU’RE NOT INVITED! YOU NEVER HAVE BEEN!
"Northern Iowa can win the NCAA tournament." - Me.
I said it right after they beat Kansas. Yes, after they beat them. No, I did not predict that #9. Northern Iowa would knock off Kansas, the #1 seed of #1 seeds. I did not pick it in my bracket. I did not bid on Northern Iowa in any of my six auction drafts. You want to know why I didn't? Not because I didn't think Northern Iowa was good, Tom Izzo as my witness I did, I thought they were real good, good enough to win more than a few games...but Northern Iowa drew the seed of death. That's right. The #8 or #9 seed in the region with the prohibitive favorite -- The seed of death. It's bad enough to get an #8 or #9 in a different region (I would much rather be a 7, 10, 11, 12 or even 13), playing a #1 in the second round is a great way to not do anything special in the tournament. It's a great way to not be remembered.
So if you picked Northern Iowa to knock off Kansas in the second round, congratulations, you made a HORRIBLE PICK! Sometimes the worse team wins, that doesn't mean it was the right pick. Northern Iowa might have been the 7th best team in the NCAA tournament this year -- behind Kansas, Kentucky, Syracuse (pre injury), Duke, WVU, Kansas St. and Baylor (not in this order)-- but they played Kansas in the second round and although it may have appeared that they were the better team, they would lose that game 8 out of 10 times. That said...
"Northern Iowa can win the NCAA tournament." - Me. I just said it again.
Hindsight is 20-20, but if Northern Iowa had been the right #10 seed, I would have put them in the elite eight. I would have had them beating any #7, either #2. Villanova or #2 Ohio St. (the games would not have been close) and #3 Georgetown, #3 New Mexico or #3 Pitt, then I would have had them losing to any of the #1 seeds because even if it doesn't happen, it was the right pick. You probably hate me by now, but... BUT... In the NCAA tournament, shit happens, it always has and it always will. That is what makes it so great. But upsets rarely help the team who actually makes the upset. In English, teams who pull great upsets usually get knocked off in the next round. Who do upsets help then? Besides Michigan St. every @#$^%&* year, upsets help the next two or three best teams in each region. Do to match ups they probably couldn't have pulled the same upset the lesser team did, but now the bracket has opened up, now they can make a run.
What are you yelling about, Tom? You're the luckiest man on the planet!
This in a sense is what has happen for Ohio St., Tennessee, and naturally MichiganState. They now have a chance to get further than they should and you can see it in their eyes. What is rare about this case is that the team that pulled off the improbable upset, Northern Iowa, is the best team left in the bracket. Miss-seeded, Northern Iowa should win this region. THEY SHOULD WIN IT! Then what? They would play Butler or Kansas St. in the Final Four. If it happens to be Butler, not taking anything away from a very game Bulter team, Northern Iowashould win and thus should make it to the finals. If it's Kansas St... I wouldn't pick Northern Iowa, but as we know, anything can happen.
Could Northern Iowa knock off Kansas and Kentucky in the same tournament?
What would it look like in the finals? Kentucky, WVU, Duke/Purdue or Baylor. Again, I wouldn't pick them, but who knows. Will they win it all? Probably not. Almost certainly not. THEY ARE DOWN 42-43 to MichiganState late in the second half as I write this. But based on skill, team work, heart and the sheer weight of Ali Farokhmanesh’s balls... they should get to the Final Four, and after that... Who knows?
March Madness is down to 16 teams. So unless you went to undergrad (yes, only undergrad) at one of the schools left, are in the mix to win some serious money, or are a huge douche, it's time to throw away your bracket and start rooting with your heart (or mine if yours doesn't steer you towards Cornell, Northern Iowa and St. Mary's. Did I forget a team? No. I do not believe I did.).
I'll be the first to admit that each year on Thursday afternoon as the tournament begins, I sit down with my bracket and I root for the teams I've selected. How can I not? The bracket is a major reason why the tournament is so special. However, as large cross outs start to fill up my bracket my mindset changes.
This year, as per usual, as the sweet sixteen rolls around my bracket doesn't give me much to root for. Unfortunately, Siena, UTEP, New Mexico St., Marquette, OklahomaSt., Texas and Richmond didn't make it to the sweet sixteen. In fact, NONE OF THEM EVEN MADE IT TO THE SECOND ROUND! Add the fact that I cheered as my National Championship pick (Kansas) got knocked off and you have someone who doesn't really care about his (2.3% on ESPN) bracket any more... WHICH IS GREAT! Honestly, it's like walking in on your controlling girl friend cheating on you -- You finally have a reason to be free of this unruly succubus. It's time to follow your heart.
If you haven't already, it's time to fall in love. First round upsets are great, but they happen, and if you blink they've been knocked off in the second round two days later. Realistically, a team needs to make the sweet sixteen to fully capture our imagination. The teams that have done that this year? Northern Iowa, St. Mary's and Cornell.
With a win against Kentucky, Cornell could finally afford some new jerseys.
The reason I don't include #11 Washington in this group is because I hate them. I hate any major conference team that sneaks into the tournament and then thinks they are a Cinderella Story when they win a few games. In my opinion, all under achieving major conference teams should be given 8 or 9 seeds (the seeds of death). Let them play a game and then get bounced by a one seed. Let's look at the past few years of #1 seed action. Yes, Alabama knocked off a horrible #1 in Stanford in 2005, but the other two upsets, both over #1 overall seeds, Northern Iowa over Kansas this year and UAB over Kentucky in 2004. Two scrappy hardworking TEAMS! Those are the teams we want to see more of. Screw off underachieving major conference teams.
So this year we have Northern Iowa, St. Mary's and Cornell. We already fell in love with Northern Iowa last weekend, but she's a real chill girl and lets us be in an open relationship. St. Mary's is more of an on-the-side-lover. We love her when we're with her, but when she's out of sight...she's out of mind. Finally, we have Cornell, ohhhhhhh Cornell how I love thee. Cornell is that girl you are so fucking close to asking out. You want to love her with all the passion of your heart, but part of you knows she couldn’t love you back. Something deep down inside of you knows that if you give her everything you have and she doesn't give you anything back...you may never be able to love again.
That is what makes Kentucky v. Cornell the most compelling game of this NCAA tournament and probably the most compelling game since #1 UConn played #11 George Mason for a spot in the Final Four. No one will blame Cornell if they can't keep up with the size and strength of Kentucky. They made a great run, they don't give scholarships, they're thinking about their homework that's pilling up back on campus, but what if they do?!?!?!?!?! What if they aren't scared? What if they hit their threes and play scrappy “nothing to lose” defense? What if they make it a game and have a chance to pull off the greatest upset in the history of March? What if they do love you back?
What if Cornell does love you but you were too big of a pussy to ask her out? Could you live with that?
Each and every year the NCAA tournament delivers. There are always upsets and Cinderella stories (cough) except last year, but this game is different. It's better! An Ivy League school with two NCAA tournament wins, both coming this year, against an SEC team that has the most tournament wins of all time, 104. Kentucky has two top 5 picks in the upcoming NBA draft and 4 potential top twelve picks (Wall, Cousins, Patterson and Bledsoe)! Cornell players are scheduling job interviews from the team bus.
If you're not putting your heart and soul behind this Cornell team (that it appears hasn't had funding for new uniforms in 120 years) then maybe you should be watching something else. I think there’s bowling on ESPN2…
Last night I was "watching" the Mississippi v. Texas Tech Quarterfinal NIT game -- I assure you, you didn’t miss much -- and it got me thinking, as sports almost always do. First, it got me thinking about how staggeringly stupid it is that Texas Tech thinks putting “Red Raiders” on the back of their jerseys instead of their names signifies unity. Your point guard just fired six threes in a row without even considering passing and then yelled at your center to get the damn rebound-- You're not unified!Put your names on your jerseys so I know who I'm rooting against!
Moving on... What this game really got me thinking about was how much better the NCAA Tournament is than the NIT. I know, I just blew your mind. You thought the NIT was much more exciting than teams actually competing for a National Championship. I know, it's an obvious comment. But how much better it is, is truly staggering. This game went into DOUBLE OT with Texas Tech sinking two late three pointers to get it there. But I didn't care. I'm not totally sure the Ole Miss crowd cared when the second overtime buzzer rang and they had won the game!
I love good basketball. I love good, well-played, high intensity basketball. Most importantly I love close basketball games, games where shots are taken that people actually remember. During the regular season I would rather watch Vermont and Marist play an overtime game than see Duke beat UNC by ten-- even if it's a good UNC team, not the crap they put out there this year. However, when it comes to March, I would rather watch a #1. seed crush a #16. by thirty than watch a double OT NIT game. Is it because I have a vested rooting interest in the #1. seed? I picked them in my bracket? That's probably part of it, but it's also because of what’s on the line. Every player in this game has been playing his entire life for this one moment. Yeah, you have the one-and-dones, players who use college as a means to an end. Forget about them, they matter not to us. I'm watching for the seniors dancing for the last time, the freshman dancing for their first, for all the players who in their heart of hearts know that they will most likely never be back. They are the ones that this truly means something too, and if they thought about that half as much as I do, one thing is for sure; no one would ever make a game winning shot again.
As Northern Iowa senior Ali Farokhmanesh splashed a 30 footer to beat UNLV and then hit the ballziest trey ball I’ve ever seen to, as phrased so aptly in NBA JAM "put the nail in the coffin" against Kansas, I found myself yelling, as I typically do, "Does he realize that every shot he has ever taken was for this one moment?! That every time he lifted, went for a run, shot hoops at the park and played one-on-one with his sister would have been a waste if he had missed? Can he come close to understanding that if he had missed he would have thought about that shot everyday for the rest of his life and it might have ruined him?!" I DON'T THINK HE DOES!!!! AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT!!!
Basketball is an action reaction sport. As much as Ali wants to tell us that he was thinking about the defender and about a pending trap and his sociology final as he took that three pointer, I know the truth. He wasn't thinking! At least he hardly was. His head was spinning so fast that all his brain could muster was "Up 1, losing ground, three pointer good," then he shot and all was good in the world.
I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone who has ever made a buzzer beater, you're great, but when everything is happening so fast, you just... kind of do it. Not having time to think about the negatives makes it easier. In contrast think about a kicker, a golfer, a bowler, even a basketball player on the stripe with two shots to tie the game with no time left. When you have a second to really gather yourself and think about the negatives, what's on the line...you tense up, you get nervous. This is exactly what makes Adam Vinatieri, Tiger Woods, Albert Pujols and Norm Duke (yes, including bowling here is mostly a joke) are so amazing. They consistently deliver knowing exactly what is on the line; the Superbowl, NL Championship series, the US Open, a bowling thing...
