Didn't You Get the Invite Michigan State? No? Oh Well...

GOD DAMN IT MICHIGAN STATE! STOP COMING TO OUR PARTY AND VOMITING ALL OVER EVERYTHING!!!!

As is par for the course, an extremely punchable Michigan State Spartan team knocked off my beloved Northern Iowa Farokhmaneshs last night. Not only did it solidify my point that the guy who does the dirty work never gets to bang the girl -- Northern Iowa knocking off Kansas and getting bumped in the next round -- but it proves the truest, most undeniable fact of all; Michigan State is the Grinch who stole March Madness, and its heart is still, and will always be, three sizes too small. THEY ALWAYS DO THIS! (not quite always, but REALLY CLOSE TOO IT!)  They single handily ruin the tournament for me each and every year and I have had enough! This is for you Greivis!

Little did Geirvis know he would soon be Michigan Stated.

Michigan Stated - (sometimes abbr. stated) |’sta•ted| (v.) to be unjustly knocked out of the tournament by an unlikable Michigan State team: I should be watching that timeless Northern Iowa team play, but they got stated on Friday night. FML.

 The Elite Eight Reasons Michigan State Should Not Be Invited To The Dance

8. They are horribly unfun to watch. Absolutely. Horribly. Unfun. Part of it is due to the fact that I'm always rooting against them and they are always winning, but it's sooooo much more than that. They use the entire shot clock almost every possession, usually missing a forced shot with somewhere under five seconds left. As the ball bounds off rim and you breathe a deep sigh of relief...Michigan State grabs the offensive rebound. Of course they do! They dominate rebounding margin every year, and when they grab said offensive rebound, they pull it out and use another 35 seconds. This time they dump it into the center who takes sixteen dribbles in the same place, turns and promptly misses a two foot hook shot. Not to worry, one of his teammates will be waiting to tip it in. Then they play solid, but by means exciting Chris Kramer defense, and if you're still awake you can watch them foul your team, not enough to get you into the double bonus, just enough to bring the game to a crawl.

7. Sans Magic Johnson, one of the greatest basketball players of all time. Michigan State never gives us superstars! They never have the exciting game changer! Their player's mediocre talents don't translate to the next level. It's the system, they aren't good! Some of my favorite teams have been collections of "college guys," players with no chance of playing at the next level -- 2010 Northern Iowa, 2006 West Virgina, 2003 Butler -- but their charm was in the fact that they looked like they had walked out of Jewish community center onto an NCAA tournament court! They had appeal! Koch, Pittsnogle, Gansey, Archie... Who has Michigan State given us? Morris Peterson - sucks, Maurice Ager - sucks, Charlie Bell - sucks, Shannon Brown - seems good, but never plays so his coaches must think he sucks, Eric Snow - has a point guard ever had a worse jump shot, Jason Richardson - decent but nothing special, KEVIN WILLIS??? REALLY??? Give me a break Michigan State! Get some talent, some fun players or stop overachieving.

6. This guy...

Yup. Definitely this guy.

5. When their joke run is over Michigan State gets pounded! Okay. So you have made it to the sweet sixteen, the elite eight, the Final Four, God forbid we have to watch you in the Finals. These are the major TV games. The games everyone watches...and guess who doesn't show up?

2009 Finals: UNC 89 Michigan State 72 - It wasn't really that close.
2008 Sweet Sixteen: Memphis 92 Michigan State 74 - It wasn't really that close
2007 Second Round: UNC 81 Michigan State 67 - It wasn't really that close
2006 First Round: George Mason 75 Michigan 65 - Their one gift to us! But...it wasn't really that close.

Not one of those games was even in the single digits! Does Michigan State give up? They just might.

The Final Four Reasons Michigan State Should Not Be Invited To The Dance

4. and 3. Michigan State always gets a lucky draw and knocks out the teams that are worth rooting for! Yeah, you're going to say what about last year. Last year as a #2 seed they beat #3 Kansas, #1 Louisville and #1 UConn before losing to #1 UNC. WELL THEY PLAYED THE FINAL FOUR IN MICHIGAN AND THEY HAD THAT AS MOTIVATION FOR THE ELITE EIGHT!

Let's look at this year. Instead of #1. Kansas they get #9. Northern Iowa, instead of #2. Ohio State they get #6. Tennessee. Instead of #1. Syracuse or #2. Kansas State I'm sure they'll find a way to play #5. Butler in the Final Four. That’s just what they do.

In 2001 Michigan State made it to the Final Four. Who did they beat to get there you ask? #16. Alabama State, #9. Fresno State, #12 Gonzaga -- when they were fun to root for -- then they had a tough game against #11. Temple... Hmmm... Guess what happened next? You guessed it. They played a #2 seeded Arizona squad and lost by 19. That is soooooo Michigan State.

 Michigan State took Blake Stepp from us.

In 2000 when they won the National Championship with Mateen Cleaves -- the one Michigan State player I love and will never speak ill of, notice he was left off the lack of elite talent’s list -- Michigan State played #8. Wisconsin in the Final Four and #5. Florida in the finals!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS??? I challenge you to find a championship team that played two opponents in the Final Four and Finals with seeds adding up to close to 13!!! Done. In 2006 Florida did, #11. George Mason and #2 UCLA. But lets all agree. That was totally different, not only was Florida a #3 themselves, but that George Mason team was FOR REALZ!!!

2. In 1979 Magic Johnson and Michigan State knocked off Larry Bird's Cinderella Indiana State Sycamores. I wasn't alive. It's probably for the best. Classic fucking Michigan State! One of the greatest stories of all time and they shit on it! I can't even talk about it any more...

I've always been cool with Tom Izzo but...

You made a bet, Tom. You lost that bet, Tom. PAY UP, TOM!

1. Tom Izzo is a welcher! Last year Tom Izzo said, nay he promised, that he would shave his head if Michigan State won the Big Ten regular season title. He promised the Michigan State student section, the very students who put their academics on hold to cheer for his team every chance they get, who think Tom Izzo is a Golden God, who crap the green and white every afternoon after lunch and every night before bed. I respect people who make bets where losing means doing something they really don’t want to do. It would suck if Tom Izzo had to shave his head, he would look foolish, but Tom Izzo is a grown ass man and when he loses a bet he needs to pay up! When I was twelve I was watching a tennis match and foolishly bet my dad 5 dollars that Sampras would win. My dad accepted and instantly told me to get him the money by dinner. The match was a rerun! It had been played the previous day! I was an idiot, but I had lost the bet and I would pay or I would never be able to bet with my father again. Michigan State won the Big Ten regular season title last year and Tom Izzo still has not shaved his head...

"I don't lie to my students," Izzo said. "It's going to be embarrassing, but I've done a lot of embarrassing things. This will be one more added to the list."

I watched him on PTI a few days ago, over a year later, and he said something along the lines of, I make a lot of promises. I keep ninety percent of them... I'm not a fool.

You are a fool Tom Izzo! You are one hell of a coach, but you are a fool. Anyone who admits to keeping ninety percent of their promises is a turd! A real man keeps 100% of the promises he can. But I guess no one at Michigan State would know anything about that would they?

(A moment of silence -- so Michigan State will go down to Tennessee in the elite eight)

You've taken so much and given so little Michigan State. You are the mean kid with no friends who shows up at other school's dances completely sober and takes advantage of drunk high school girls. I've had enough. Do me a favor and don't show up to the dance next year. YOU’RE NOT INVITED! YOU NEVER HAVE BEEN!