Porn Stars and Fantasy Baseball: It's All Just A Fantasy

Judging your preseason fantasy team is a lot like sitting on your bed talking with a fully clothed porn star. You like what you see, you're excited about the future, but does it really make any sense? You've done the research, you've drafted your team and now you want to fuck it. That's why we play the game, right? But you also have your doubts. You've played fantasy before, but never in this league. These guys have played a lot of fantasy sports. They've done things, made trades, that you didn't think were possible. Graphic, flat out disrespectful 4 for 1 deals that caused you to close your computer and sit in absolute darkness for hours wondering if it was even worth going on knowing that one manager could take on four huge players like that. Questions flood your brain. What if Josh Hamilton doesn't bounce back? What if Lela Star doesn't actually get tested every week? What if Roy Halladay doesn't transition well to the National League? What if I go black and really do never want to go back? What if Steven Strasburg doesn't make it to the majors this year? He's soooo good! What if Tori Black is actually only 17? She's soooo hot! What if Carlos Pena can't bring up his average? What if I can't get it up? It's nerve racking. I know. But nothing has happened yet. What you are doing makes no sense. All that matters is how it ends.


So how should we spend the last week before the season begins? Doing something that does make sense of course. Comparing my fantasy team to their porn star complements -- So you can really visualize how great my team is going to be.

Catcher: Miguel Montero aka Keri Sable

Montero and Sable might not be Frat House names yet, but they're poised for a big year!

Let's get one thing straight. These are both top tier catchers. Montero has been waiting for a full time job since his monster 2005 season at Single A Lancaster and last year when Chris Snyder went down, he got it. Boy did he deliver hitting .294 with 16 home runs and 59 RBI. Imagine what he'll do in a full season. The same can be said for Ms. Sable. No longer doubting that the industry is the right place for her, a weight has been lifted and we can expect BIG things in her this year.


First Base: Adrian Gonzalez aka Zafira

In different markets these could be top ten picks.

Elite talent trapped in small markets (sigh). Adrain Gonzalez hit 40 home runs and drove in 99 runs last year hitting in one of the weakest lineups in recent memory. He was walked 119 times! That's more than Albert Pujols! He'll be solid, but if he ever gets traded...watch out. Similarly Zafira is a stone cold hottie, but she's done everyone she can do in Hungary. It's time for a move to LA to show the world what she can really do, and to meet me of course. A change of scenery is the only thing holding these two unreal, all natural talents back from superstardom!

Second Base: Dustin Pedroia aka Lela Star

Don't let their size fool you. They are two of the best.

5'9" and 5'1" they are two of the smallest players in their fields, but what they lack in size they make up for below, and above, their breast plates. Pedroia has won both the AL Rookie of the Year and the AL MVP. Star brought home the 2007 Adam Film World Guide Award for Best Latin Starlet and is looking to cash in again this year at the AVN Awards for Best All-Girl Group Sex Scene -- She deserves it. Trust me! They may be diminutive, but their future success could not loom larger.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez aka Jenna Jameson

You have to give them credit. They were willing to do whatever it took to get on top.

If you compare a 1997 picture of Alex Rodriguez with a 2010 one, you might not even realize you’re looking at the same person. If you do the same with Jenna Jameson, I guarantee you won’t! But that’s the business they work in and who are we to judge? They are the best at what they do. Don't tell me about Pujols and Haze being better right now. I don't care! These are icons, brand names, legends. Surgery, steroids, more surgery,  more steroids, they did it all, and you know what? It worked. They got to the top. A Rod is still a top 3 pick and Jenna is still a top 3 late night option. There are no ifs with these two. They are going to deliver top-of-the-line performances night in and night out and for that I will not apologize!

Shortstop: Derek "The Captain" Jeter aka Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy

It's rare when an athlete gets bigger than his sport, but these two have.

A lot of baseball players have injected steroids into their bodies and a lot of porn stars have injected fat into their penises. I don't really care. That said, if I found out that Derek Jeter had used steroids I would stop watching baseball and if I found out that Ron Jeremy had plumped up his penis I would stop having sex. These men are above their sports and with that comes a lot of responsibility. How are they handling it? I'd say pretty well. Jeter has won five World Series titles and made 10 All Star teams, and Ron was recently ranked number one on AVN's "Top 50 Porn Stars of All Time List." Oh, he also has a 9.75 inch penis. Jeter's you ask? I can't confirm anything, but I'm guessing around 8.25.

Outfield: Chris B. Young, Juan Rivera and Josh Hamilton aka Sasha Gray

They might not make you sweat right now, but just wait until mid-season.

Sasha Gray isn't your typical "Girlfriend Experience" and my outfield isn't your typical "fantasy experience" -- Outfield is supposed to be your strength not your weakness. A lot of teams have issues, my outfield has more. Drug addictions, weight problems, injuries, failing to meet expectation, you name it we got it. But just like Sasha Gray, my guys are willing the battle each and every obstacle thrust towards their face with the upmost dignity and class. Three, four, even five obstacles, no problem. Prepare to be amazed.

You probably don't get a boner when you look at Sasha Gray, I'm hoping that you don't get one when you look at my outfield, but by mid-season a mere glimpse at my outfield is going to give you a full on rager the likes of which a Viagra customer service rep has never seen.




Designated Hitter: Vladimir Guerrero aka Lexington Steele

 When Vladdy or Lexington find a hole...they can do serious damage.

Though they may be getting on in years, these Hall of Famers still yield two of the biggest sticks in the game, and they aren’t afraid to swing them. Vladdy has a career batting average of .322, has hit 407 home runs, has been invited to 8 All Star games and won the 2004 AL MVP award, and he’s never worn a batting glove. From 2000-2004 Lexington starred in 500 movies and slept with 1,200 women, in 2003 he became the first Male actor to win the AVN Male Performer of the Year Award three time, he has an 11 inch cock, and is rumored to have never worn a condom because the don’t make condoms for horses. Although these two athletes may be on the decline, I’m sure they both still have a few hits left in those bats of theirs.

Starting Pitcher: Tim Lincecum aka Jenna Haze

Just Filthy!

The Freak and a freak, Tim Lincecum and Jenna Haze have taken the extraordinary and made it common place. They are simply put the filthiest around. In the past two seasons Tim Lincecum has gone 33-12 recording 526 strikeouts and posting an ERA of 2.55. He has won both NL Cy Young Awards and is the first fantasy pitcher off the board in all drafts. In the past two years Jenna Haze has done...quite frankly a lot of stuff I don't feel comfortable talking about. But for her work she received the 2009 AVN Award for Female Performer of the Year, a huge honor as I'm sure you all know. We can only pray that these juggernauts can stay at the top of their game and provide us with entertainment for years to come.


Who knows how my fantasy team will do this year? Who knows if their porn star equivalents will fall out of the spotlight? (I do, they won't because they are unbelievable hot) What I do know is that it isn't worth wasting your time thinking or blogging about. I personally have more important things to do...