This system brought a lot of people a lot of joy. All 64-bits.
If you haven't realized by now, I'm not actually talking about Nintendo 64 -- I was, but now I'm going to pretend that it was an analogy for the NCAA Tournament. Here I go. -- What I’m really talking about is the NCAA tournament, more specifically it's field of 64 (cough), 65 teams. Four regions of sixteen teams apiece, equaling three weekends of bliss. It's as close to perfection as Jessica Alba, and now the NCAA is considering changing it. But why?
I understand why Heidi Montag had her entire body reshaped with ten plastic surgery procedures in one day. She wasn’t hot and she wanted to be. Nice… effort... I guess… But that’s like the NIT. No, more like the College Basketball Invitational (CBI)-- a postseason basketball tournament below the NIT and CIT that no one even knows exists -- deciding to employ a new seeding structure for its teams. I don’t care, but since no one likes you, spicing things up is probably a smart play. But if you’re the Mecca of sporting events, the Abraham Lincoln of tournaments, the Mt. Everest of entertainment, the Jessica Alba of my life, why the hell would you change? There is only one answer. Money.
Here are 64 (cough), 65 reasons why the tournament should not expand:
1. The Bracket! I respect any purist out there who doesn’t fill out a bracket. It shouldn’t be about your bracket, it should be about the underdogs, the buzzer beaters, the seniors getting their last chance at immortality. But for so many it is. My sister would not watch March Madness if she wasn’t in a pool, the lady who sits next to me at work wouldn’t care if I didn’t force her to fill out a bracket, my cousin watches every game and he hates basketball. Deny it if you want, hate it if you will, the bracket is as big a part of March as anything. Ruin the bracket, ruin the Madness.
2. I don’t care about the 31 next best teams! We watch March Madness to see the best and to see the Cinderella’s. We don’t watch to see underachieving major conference teams knock off the winners of small conferences and then get pumped by the Kentuckys and Syracuses. I want to see the small schools play the big boys.
3. 64 is the perfect number! Round One: Four Regions of 16 - 16 - 16 -16. Round Two: 8 - 8 - 8 - 8. Sweet Sixteen: 4 - 4 - 4 - 4. Elite Eight: 2 - 2 - 2 - 2. Final Four: 1 - 1 - 1 - 1. Then the Finals. Doesn’t that work out well? Which brings me to…
4. 96 doesn’t work. 96 divided by 4 is 24, so 24 teams a region. Twelve win in the first round… then six… then three… Notice a problem? What they are going to do is have 64 teams play for 32 spots in the tournament. Thirty-two play-in games. No one wants that.
5. Some teams are going to play fewer games. It’s six wins to the NCAA Championship. It’s the only fair way! Everyone is on an equal playing field.
6. There will still be bubbles burst. The 97th, 98th and 99th teams will still complain that they should have gotten in. If you want to get in, then do more!
7. Mid-Major conference tournaments won’t mean as much. For me, March Madness starts when the conference tournaments start. An elimination conference tournament game is almost as good as an NCAA tournament game. These teams really want it! If both of these teams are already in the tournament field under the new format… We don’t get to watch a great game.
8. Villanova -- It will only hurt higher seeds, making them play an extra game. Remember when Villanova won as an eight seed? I don’t because I was 6 weeks old, but around tourney time my dad never shuts up about it.
9. The Dance would lose it’s reward factor. If you make it into the field of 64, wow. It must be an awesome feeling. You really earned something. If you make it into an expanded field of 96…it just doesn’t feel as special. When you ask out the nerdy girl with no friends, a “yes” doesn’t mean anything. When you ask out the prom queen, a “yes” means everything.
10. The Selection Show would take too long! I don’t have three hours to listen to Greg Gumbel each year. I only have one.
11. George Mason. Probably wouldn’t see anything like #11 George Mason making the Final Four again. But who cares about that?
For some reason I don’t think Tony Skinn would change a thing.
12. #12 seeds upset #5 seeds 33% of the time. But that probably doesn’t interest you.
13. Four #13 seeds have made the sweet sixteen since the tournament was expanded in 1985. If the tournament is expanded that accomplishment would now take three games. Oh well, I’ll only be missing out on some of the greatest moments of my life.
14. #14 Ohio knocked off #3 Georgetown this year. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!!!
15. Four #15 seeds have defeated #2 seeds. Richmond, Santa Clara, Coppin State and Hampton. I bet that felt pretty good.
16. I’m still waiting for the first #16 to do it! A sixteen seed will beat a one seed one day, and I’ll be watching. Don’t take that away from me.
17. The team that loses the play-in game doesn’t even feel like they made the tournament. “Great season guys, making the tournament was great, that was a great Arkansas Pine Bluff team. What can you do” - Someone from Winthrop. Give me a break. They don’t even feel like they made the tournament. Don’t do that to thirty-one more teams!
18. People already don’t show up to watch the first round! I say this having never actually been to a tournament game myself -- It’s just too great watching it on TV -- but the crowd is already sparse at many opening round sites. Who is going to show up for a play in game between Virginia Tech and Rhode Island, and please don’t tell me one of the teams would get to play the game at home. This isn’t the NIT.
19. There are nineteen days from start to finish of the tournament. Not counting the play-in game that no one watches. Let’s not run too far into softball season, OKAY GUYS?!
20. We’re going to have to think of new names for rounds. Since teams will have to win to get to the field of 64, we have to give it a name. The suitable sixty-four? That sounds worse than butt-sex with Lexington Steele.
21. I’ve been watching the NCAA tournament for twenty-one years and never been disappointed. That means I started at three. That’s legit, right?
22. Joe Lunardi can’t keep track of 96 teams! Are you crazy?! Actually Joe probably can. I'm more worried about my mom.
We wouldn't throw you under the bus Joe... Or would we?
23. My Excel Spreadsheet won’t work! A few year ago I constructed an excel spreadsheet that allows me to weight different stats and then it determines who should win each game. I don’t think I could make another one.
24. It’ll throw off my auction strategy. Right now I have my 8-12 team auction strategy down pat. Change it to 96 teams and it’s back to the drawing board.
25. Ashley Judd can’t attend another round of games! And if Ashley Judd’s not there Kentucky is pretty much playing 4 on 5.
Remember Double Jeopardy? Yeah, that movie wasn't that good.
26. Aren’t these Student Athletes? Not that I care, but this is a few more days they are missing class. Put your hands up all those parents out there!
27. The Refs! Does no one ever think about the refs?! They can’t referee that many games in one week. It’s not healthy.
28. My grandfather has arthritis and can’t circle that many games. Do you not want my grandfather to be able to participate? Is that what this is about?!?
29. The women’s tournament might follow! If the men’s tournament going to 96 would make me mad, the women’s tournament going to 96 might be too much for me to handle. What if I accidentally turned on a #24 v. #9 play-in matchup? Would there be reason to go on?
30. Stephan Curry. Would he have made his run if he’d had to win another game? Would he have been so special?
Playing college basketball for Davidson at seven years old, Stephon Curry brought us all a lot of joy.
31. It will piss off Doug Gottlieb. Have you seen this guy mad? You don't want to.
32. Rutgers still won’t make it! So I still won’t have a team near and dear to my heart to root for!
33. Great records will be broken. As we add more and more games we lose track of the history of the tournament. Most points in an individual tournament, Glen Rice, 184 in 1989. If the tournament expands, say good bye to your record Glen.
34. How many times I’ll say “this is lame” during the first crappy play-in game I watch between Pepperdine and Northeastern.
35. I can’t get Tuesday off work too!!! What the hell is this? You want me to lose my job?
36. We’d have to change the tournament’s theme song! We’d have to change it from “One Shining Moment” sung so beautifully by Luther Vandross and now Jennifer Hudson to “Circus” by Brittney Spears.
Britney has always hinted that she'd love to sing the NCAA Tournament's theme song.
37. The Bracket won’t fit on one piece of paper! I can’t carry around two pieces of paper with me for a month! That’s ridiculous!
38. My girlfriend watches American Idol on Tuesday nights! And she’s huge!
39. The tournament is paced perfectly. I sit down on my couch on Thursday morning and get up Sunday night. Then I have three days to make sure my legs don’t atrophy before I do it again. I love basketball, but I don’t know if I can handle two more days.
40. I could handle it. But could my body? Let’s get one thing straight, I could definitely handle it, but my body might not be able to. I eat more junk food for four days than any person should. It turns out gummy bears and jelly beans don’t have any nutritional value. I don’t want March Madness to kill me.
41. Jessica Alba told me in a dream that she doesn’t want it to change…then we boned.
I was lying. Jessica actually turned me down in my dream. Am I the only one getting rejected all the time in his dreams?
42. I can’t take anymore heart ache! If I put my heart and soul behind ten to twelve more teams that lose… I just might not be able to pull myself off the floor.
43. If Jay Bilas is against it, I’m against it.
44. Coach K is for it, I’m against it - Love you Wojo.
45. Let’s not forget how great N64 was.
I spent three solid weeks beating this game. Would I do it again? In a second.
46. Because if the tournament was 96 teams I could not have written this post. It would have been too hard. Thinking of 96 reasons not to eat your own feces is hard. Thinking of even five is really tough. 1. It tastes bad. 2. It’s poisonous. 3. It will make your breath smell bad. 4. If anyone finds out you become “the kid who eats his own poop” and that has to hurt your chances with girls. 5. No drinks go well with shit. Okay, five was do able.
47. Our country already uses too much electricity. Can we really afford to expand the field before we discover some new sources of renewable energy?
I'm thinking something with a hamster and a wheel, but it's still in the experimental stages.
48. Look what happened last time people demanded more...
This too could have been avoided.
49. Look at what happened the time before that!
Will people never learn?!?!
50. In-N-Out Burger refuses to expand to the east coast and everyone still loves them.
51. Dick Vitale’s head might explode… is that a pro or a con? Just kidding, I love Dicky V (in small doses) and he’s for expansion… but still…
52. There is not enough “One Shining Moment” to go around! If we find a way not to change songs, how are we going to get all the extra shining moments in? Are we going to play it twice? God forbid we take out the clips of the crowd, bands and fans that make the video so special. Oh, wait...this round isn't going to provide any more shining moments. Nevermind.
53. The NIT would lose out on all of it’s really compelling matchups… ha… ha… hahahaha.
54. Don’t ever compare the NCAA tournament to college football bowl season again! I know that 68 out of 119 Division I Football Subdivision teams earn bowl bids! That’s why the bowls don’t matter at all. They need to adopt a 16 team March Madness like tournament!
55. Watching the bubble is really exciting. I actually derive a lot of pleasure from watching the bubble. Don’t take that from me.
56. Movies about the tournament would now suck! Wait a second, what’s the last good movie about the NCAA tournament? What’s the last movie about it period?
57. It would take even more attention away from the Frozen Four… What hockey calls it’s last four teams left… It’s being played right now… The college hockey tournament… Nevermind.
58. and 59. The Feres twins like things how they are. They told me.
I'm not sure why, but I trust the Feres twins.
60. SportsCenter is only an hour long. Think of Scott Van Pelt for a second people!
61. What if an NBA prospect got injured in that extra game? That would suck! (Reaching... further...)
62. You should never ruin a great thing just for more money. How is this number 62?!?!
63. I’m going to get fired and arrested for punching a coworker in the face for telling me about the unreal Washington State v. Grambling State play-in game that took place the previous night.
64. (cough) 65 is perfection. Let’s be real for a second, play-in winner doesn’t count.
65. Because it’s hard to think up 65 reasons for anything, this took a long-ass time, and I don’t want it to change!
Dear Jessica Alba (I’m really talking about the NCAA Tournament),
Everyone thinks you’re perfect the way you are. Please don’t change just because other people are telling you that bigger breasts and collagen injections would help you make more money. I think your tight frame and subtle lips are two of your best features.
Your Friend,
Everyone
If we all hold hands maybe we can stop this. I'm leaning probably not though.
This is too long to read...
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