I'll Be Rooting for Tiger. Will You?

Tiger -- Woods if you've forgotten -- is making his return to golf this Thursday at the Masters and I for one am really excited. Excited, not only for myself, but for him. Tiger has been on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride for five months now and once you reach the age of ten, Disney rides really start to blow. When I was seven Space Mountain was the scariest fucking ride I'd ever experienced. I sat in the first row and -- I'm crossing my fingers no Disney ride operators are reading this -- actually urinated in my pants as I whipped around that pitch black room. Five years later, riding in the same front car (I figure they must wash them, right?), the room wasn't even that dark! The ride was lame! It's the same way for Tiger except he didn't choose to go on the ride in the first place.

 That little girl has no idea what happened in that front row some ten years prior.

Yes, Tiger cheated on his wife a couple of times -- let's say 25 assuming a few mistresses haven't come forward yet. Yes, he took Ambien and other drugs to spice up the sex -- You would too if you'd known you could. I know this because more and more patients have been asking their doctors for Ambien citing that they are having trouble sleeping, and finally, yes, he wrote this text message, "You are my fucking whore. Hold you down while I choke you."

Please, before you judge him, look at the grammar of that text message. It's barely English! ESL students have a better command of the English language! I've heard Tiger give hundreds of press conferences, he is extremely well spoken. So something must have been wrong. What makes people act differently? What keeps people from living up to their usual high standards? Diseases! Would you shun someone with Cancer? I sure hope not. So how can we be mad at Tiger?

He's sick people! Or was sick...I think.

As Tiger has said several times, he attended rehab for "personal reasons." What his close friends and family know is that addictions had taken over his life. As we have all heard by now, Tiger is addicted to sex and drugs, one more deadly than the other. Step off your pedestal for a second and think what it must be like to find yourself physically unable to resist beautiful, even moderately okay looking, women. Then, in her clutches, being unable to say no when she suggests doing drugs to spice up the sex? I've never spoken to a beautiful woman, so I wouldn't know about that, but drugs scare me, especially drugs that were prescribed by a Doctor to help you sleep. What if they put you to sleep...forever!

Tiger has two diseases, and when he finishes rehab he will be cured of these diseases and be good old Tiger again. He will be even stronger for overcoming life altering-- BULL SHIT!!!

I want everyone to know that everything I have said so far is absolute BULL SHIT!!! Except my taking a wiz in my pants on Space Mountain when I was seven, that's the real deal. Tiger Woods is not a drug addict and Tiger Woods is most definitely not a sex addict. Those claims were made by his publicist for one reason. Diseases can be cured a lot easier than character flaws. Tiger fucked up. A lot of times, but in reality only one. When Tiger cheated for the first time, I bet he felt horrible, I bet he played horrible at his next tournament and finished...third or fourth, but then nothing happened. He got away with it, and suddenly it was okay. I'm not saying that cheating twenty-five times isn't worse than cheating once, it is. It's just not twenty-five times worse. It's maybe...twice as bad. Cheaters cheat until they get caught, that's life. Call me naive, but now that he’s been caught, I would be very surprised if Tiger ever cheats again. As for the prescription drugs, if he wasn't the most famous athlete in the world it wouldn't even be a story.

With the Masters two days away, we have to start envisioning Tiger back on the golf course. Everyone hates Tiger now; people are going to be rooting against him with all of their might, but me? I'm going to be pulling for Tiger this week.

 Tiger always makes the pressure putt. Always.

I'm not going to use Tiger as a role model for my kids, but I watch sports for memories, not these imaginary kids I just made up, and Tiger winning the Masters would be an unforgettable one. I play a game every time Tiger is in a position to win a tight golf tournament. I call it the “if he misses this putt he’s not Tiger Woods anymore” game. Guess what? He’s still Tiger Woods. He makes the putt every time. Now if he wins the Masters after five months away from the game and a laundry list of issues that Lindsey Lohan would respect…  It’ll be like this little hiccup never even happened and we'll all have our Tiger back. Except Elin...that unfortunately will never be the same.