You’re at Work! Clean Up Your Act!

We let athletes get away with anything! If they say something dumb, they were in the heat of the moment. If they cheat on their wife, it was one bad decision. If they murder someone, it was assisted suicide. Enough! I tell one receptionist that she’s got a smoking hot ass and I can’t go within 100 yards of a Neiman Marcus. Enough! If I can’t do it at my job, athletes shouldn’t be able to do it at theirs.

Here are some sporting acts that should definitely not be allowed in the work place.

Inappropriate Touching - The Upper Hand Ball Massage

Quarterbacks and centers have had an inappropriate work relationship for a long time. You are touching his balls. No, you are gently resting your hand on the underside of his ball sack and holding, which quite frankly is worse. No one wears butt pads anymore and I know a few guys who don’t even wear cups. No wonder more quarterbacks are calling their audibles from under center. How do you think the left guard feels? He sees this every day, in the cubicle next door and he’s too scared to say anything. Please, for all of our sakes, put in some more shotgun packages.

THAT CENTER HAS MESH SHORTS ON FOR CHRIST SAKE

Dress Code - Really? That's what you wore? This is work!

There really isn't anything to say here. This outfit does not foster a healthy working environment. End of story.

You try doing your job with her jumping around in that.

The Straddling Hump - into Standing Hump

Only in wrestling would this be a standard move. Let me get this straight, we’re going to put on spandex, something I would never ever wear at any other time in my life, I’m going to kneel on the ground…and you’re going to kneel right behind me and try to take me to the ground? Who was the dude that was like “YES! I LOVE IT. How do we make this happen?” 90% of wrestling take downs involve some sort of humping technique. What if 90% of conference calls involved some sort of hand to breast contact? I don’t think we’d be making many conference calls.

 There are no winners when two men in spandex take this position

Sexual Harassment - Groin to the Facial AKA OHHHHH IN THE FACE!!!!

This tall…kind man was just trying to do his job. He is a basketball player, and he takes his job very seriously. And then this…

 You think Vince ever though about what the other guy wanted?

...a groin is shoved into his face at high speeds. That’s even worse than at slow speeds. You don’t see it coming, you have no time to react, you just take it, and guess what? 50,000 people are watching…AND THEY CHEER. No one has the balls to say something to the jerk who did it. Typical!

Who is going to take a stand? Who is going to be our Susan B. Anthony?

Alive

Alive is...?

A.) A true story about a Uruguayan rugby team stranded in the Alps for seventy days, living on the flesh of their deceased teammates?

B.) A true story about a Uruguayan soccer team in the semifinals of the World Cup because of a selfless, heads up, once in a life-time play.

C.) A true story about an American man who watched the Uruguayan soccer team defeat Ghana in the quarterfinals of the World Cup and found a little happiness in this jerk and tug world we live in.

Or just maybe it's...

D.) All of the above.

In basketball there are smart fouls and there are dumb fouls. A glancing blow that doesn’t stop LeBron James from stuffing the ball down your throat and a foul with .3 seconds left in a tie game are dumb fouls. Punching Shaq in the balls so he can’t dunk and instead goes to the line for two free throws, now that’s just smart basketball.

 Shaq + Free Throw = Not Free At All

In football, there are good penalties and bad penalties. A wide receiver holding when the play is a sweep in the opposite direction, dump. A corner back holding a wide receiver who is speeding past him for an easy touchdown? Smart.

In soccer, before today, there were only dumb red cards. Not - Any - More. In the past, when someone has cornered you in your cubical and forced you to listen to his retelling of a great soccer play, it was a goal, a save or an unreal move; today it’s a red card.

 This red card was for a head butt. Cool.

Today, three minutes into three minutes of extra time, something special happened in the Uruguay Ghana game. I’ll break it down into four parts for you.

1. A ball heads into the back of the Uruguayan net poised to end their World Cup dreams.

2. Luis Suarez, a Uruguayan attacker, reaches up and bats the ball away with his hand. That’s frowned upon. He is given a red card.

3. Suarez, nearly in tears, exits the stadium as Asamoah Gyan misses the ensuing penalty for Ghana. An invigorated Suarez cheers and heads into the locker-room. We’re going to penalty kicks.

4. Uruguay wins in penalties.

Uruguay has this crazy little man to thank for a trip to the final four.

Yes, what Suarez did was a split second reaction, yes, it was “illegal,” possibly the most uncouth thing you can do in a soccer game and, yes, he will be missing the next game for it, but isn’t all that what made it so great? With his team’s World Cup hopes and dreams, dying by the millisecond, he had the smarts to reach up and bat the ball away from his goal. Cons, he gets a red card, so even if his team advances, he doesn’t get to play, and unintelligent observers are going to assume he’s to blame if the ensuing pk goes in. Pros, your team has a one in ten chance to win a game that was as good as over a second before. That’s all you get, but you know what, it’s enough.

Go Uruguay!