Sometimes I think about things. Like really think. Like nothing else matters in the world except for me and my thoughts. How do I do it? First, I wait for my parents to fall asleep. They aren’t going to understand my thinking deep thoughts. When I am positive they are asleep, I start a timer and wait for two more hours to be extra certain they have entered rem sleep and are passed the eff out. When my timer rings, I sneak out my window and sprint into the woods behind my house. How do I manage to jump from a second story window each night without hurting myself? Ha! When I was little, I convinced my parents that I needed a fire escape ladder in case there was a fire in the hallway and I couldn’t get out of my room! Where’s the fire now, bitches!
Okay. So I’ve stealthily made my way out of my house and am now sprinting through the woods. I know what you simpletons are probably thinking. Why are you sprinting though the woods, won’t that make noise? OF COURSE IT WILL MAKE NOISE! Obviously, I am sprinting because I don’t want someone to hear me sneaking! If someone hears running in the woods behind their house at one in the morning they will think it’s a bear or a wild boar, not a human, especially at the rabid pace at which I am moving!
So I finally get to John Williamson Elementary about a three hour sprint from my house-- I actually think it might be in the next state over, but I have not confirmed this. While there are closer parks to my house, they all have far less cool playground equipment. At this time at night I have the entire park all to myself, aside from a homeless man who usually tries to force intercourse on me, before passing out drunk. Now fully alone, I sit down on one of the small swings, lean back, and start to sway. Soon I am really making that lightweight child’s swing set sweat-- try saying that five times while on shrooms. I’m getting some serious air that Napoleon Dynamite himself would be proud of because I’m remembering my fundamentals. I make sure to tuck my legs on backward swings and extend them straight in front of me on forward swings. It’s pretty damn awesome.
Anyway, when I start really getting high, I close one eye, stare up into the starlit sky with the other, and I think about what it would be like if I had my closed eye open, and my open eye closed. This takes me to a deep, deep, deep deep place where I can then ask myself the real question: “What if I was awesome? -- Sports Edition.”
Sometimes it’s cool to not be awesome, but it’s always awesome to be awesome, and who is more awesome than a professional athlete? No one! Not even you Barak Obama. I know you’re reading this! Stupid White Sox cap at the Nationals game! NOT AWESOME! SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!
So here are the eight athletes I would be if I was awesome, in order of how awesome it would be.
The Awesomeness Scale, or AS to those in the know, is a combination of eight factors:
Sport (S) - What sport do you play? How awesome is that sport?
Icon Status (IS) - Are you an icon? How many people I talk to each day know you’re awesome?
Sex Life x2 (SL) - Are you making use of your awesomeness?
World Wide Appeal (WWA) - If I say your name in Somalia
Swagger x3 (SWAG) - Do you let everyone know that you are awesome? Do you make them mad? Do you make them try harder, even try to cheat…and then still beat them?
People who aren’t awesome can’t have swagger, when they try it is called being lame or being a douche. If you are awesome, you need to let your two big swaggernuts hang low! That is what being awesome is really truly about.
Awesome Consolation List -- Sports Edition
For making the consolation list an athlete gets the knowledge that he was considered, his AS, and one line to explain why he isn’t as cool as I, or he, previously thought he was. For those who didn’t make the list, look in the mirror, how is you making out for you? My guess is not all that well.
- That Under Armour suit he wears in that commercial makes me uncomfortable.
28. Ichiro - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 2, WWA - 7, SWAG - 2 = AS - 4.375
- Maybe it’s the language barrier or could it be the fact that his wife is a two…
27. Roger Federer - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 1, WWA - 9, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.625
- She looks like a really…nice woman… I’m sure she’s nice…Yeah… nice...
26. Michael Phelps - S - 4, IS - 10, SL - 6, WWA - 8, SWAG - 4 = AS - 5.75
- If he sat next to me on the bus, I might move, nay, I would move.
This suit also makes me more than a little bit uncomfortable.
25. Brock Lesnar - S - 5, IS - 5, SL - 5, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 5.75
- I wouldn’t climb into a ring or a bed with him. Would you?
24. Lance Armstrong - S - 3, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 10, SWAG - 5 = AS - 5.75
- It’s not not the testicle things… not not…
23. Manny Pacquiao - S - 10, IS - 6, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.875
- You are awesome. Just in a different way…
22. Tim Lincecum - S - 10 (pitcher), IS - 7, SL - 4, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.375
- Spends a little too much time hanging out with his dad. I love my dad but... Hot chicks Timmy!
21. Laird Hamilton - S - 10, IS - 3, SL - 4, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 6.5
- Could-- Should be so much higher, but the numbers do the talking.
Hey, he got a 10 for sport!
20. Sidney Crosby - S - 5, IS - 7, SL - 7, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 6.5
- For a cool guy, very punchable.
19. Dwight Howard - S - 8, IS - 7, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.5
- He wants on this list way too bad.
18. Steve Nash - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.625
- Love this guy, but as cool guys go. He’s in the middle of the pack.
17. Adrian Peterson - S - 9, IS - 6, SL - 6, WWA - 4, SWAG - 8 = AS - 6.875
- Some people still don’t know who “All Day” AP is. I know you AP, I know you.
16. Alex Ovechkin - S - 5, IS - 6, SL - 4, WWA - 7, SWAG - 10 = AS - 7
- Unreal to watch, too bad it’s hockey. Also, he met one of his girl friend’s online. WHA?!
15. Dwyane Wade - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 7, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.125
- My favorite basketball player, but too nice of a guy. Get back up Dwyane, get back up!
14. Albert Pujols - S - 9, IS - 8, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.125
- Have you seen his wife… Ahh… Albert? News Flash! Girls want to tell other girls that you were inside of them!
13. Rafael Nadal - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.25
- Doesn’t have enough “in your face” game.
I'm not greedy. I'd take Nadal in my awesome fantasy-life draft.
12. Evan Longoria - S - 9, IS - 5, SL - 7, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.375
- Do you mean Eva Longoria? That’s what my girlfriend said… Well, if I had one, she might have said something like that.
11. Kobe
- Does something about Kobe
Did anyone else like Kobe
The Awesome Ten -- If I was awesome. These are the top ten people I would be! -- Sports Edition.
10. Tom Brady - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 7, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.75
Tom just does his thing. Easy, breezy, beautiful, Tom Brady. As far as sports go, it doesn’t get much better than football. As far as football positions go, it doesn’t get much better than quarterback. As far as quarterbacks go, it doesn’t get much better than three Super Bowl rings. As far as girlfriends go, it doesn’t get much better than Gisele. When I think “baller,” I think skills, grace, looks…I think Tom Brady. You can’t question Tom at number 10, he’s just awesome.
9. Alex Rodriguez - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 7, WWA - 9, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.875
A Rod has A LOT of short comings. Fortunately for him, they weren’t what I was judging awesomeness on. A Rod has been a household name for more than a decade because… oh yeah, he’s built like Achilles, he’s the highest paid player in baseball, check-it, sports, he plays for the New York Yankees -- finally getting the fans off his back for good last season winning the playoff MVP award -- he was hooking up with Kate Hudson and (cough) Madonna (she’s an icon people, please), and lets not forget he’s best buds with The Captain (maybe a slight exaggeration).
Okay, ARod, okay... Well, maybe not okay.
He may have cheated baseball, but he definitely didn’t cheat his way onto this list. A Rod is about as awesome as they come.
8. Lionel Messi - S - 9, IS - 4, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.875
Eleven goals in 5 games - gets - your - dick - wet! Like soaking wet! Like Wilt Chamberlain in Jenna Haze in a Hurricane wet. That is ridiculous. You could argue that it is a more impressive feat than hitting 11 homeruns in five games. You’d be wrong, but you could argue it.
Soccer is a world wide sport. People love the other football in every country except the good ‘ole USA
Uhhh... Yes, please.
7. Derek Jeter - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 7.875
The - Captain. He is the face of the greatest sports team in the US New England , you can’t honestly try and argue this. Yeah, in LA they think it’s the Lakers, in Dallas, the Cowboys, in Boston
He's no 10, that's for sure.
If Jeter would ever just swing his thick three foot schlong over his shoulder and strut around the field to accrue some better SWAG points, he’d be #1 on this list, but he won’t, and that’s part of why he’s so awesome. It just keeps him from being…the awesome-est.
6. David Beckham - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 10, SWAG - 7 = AS - 8.125
Love him or hate him, David Beckham is kind of awesome. We, America, might hate him, but he did put the MLS on the map for about 7 minutes -- Hey, Landon Donovan and Freddy Adu couldn’t do it -- What the hell happened to that dude, Freddy Adu? Wasn’t he supposed to be the next Pele? There’s still time… -- Beckham’s wife, an evil word to awesomeness, Victoria Beck, is smoking fine! Smoking hot and fine as hell at the same time. David Beckham’s abs make me want to get in shape. I stress want to. If you’re driving around with your wife and you see a billboard of David Beckham, and she doesn’t think he’s good looking. Pull over and drop her the eff off, because she is one wack ass bitch! How can you trust her to raise your child if her eye’s and brain are miss communicating so severely?
He plays a kick ass sport -- yeah, soccer kicks ass when the players are good and the games actually matter -- he is known in the US and around the world, he’s married to a Barbie doll… I’d say that’s pretty awesome. If I was awesome, I would love to be David Beckham.
If a girl walks in and sees this, you're getting some.
5. Lebron James - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.125
“The King.” He got that nickname in high school, that and “The Chosen One.” He started drawing comparisons to Michael Jordon in the third grade, I’m sure some loser said it, and he’s actually coming close to backing them up. He is simply a man, and because of that, he is the man. His numbers are a joke! He averages more assists than most point guards, more rebounds than most centers and 29.7 points a game, second in the league.
He does it all with the Swagger of… Well, of Lebron James. No one has ever had more fun playing the game. He dances before games, on the bench, jokes with fans. If he wasn’t so damn good he would be a huge swaggot -- yes, I just created this word, I guarantee you hear someone else say it in less than a month. It’s going to be HUGE…
Swaggot - |’swag•got| (n.) A person who exhibits cocky, “look at me” behaviors that his skill level, or the game situation, do not warrant: 1.Why is that running back celebrating his one yard touchdown run with his team down 42 points? Hmmmm…maybe because he’s a swaggot? 2. Milton Bradley is a swaggot.
Boy it would be awesome to be Lebron…if he wasn’t dating a 4. Awkward…
You can't see the basket, you can't see the floor. You know it was awesome!
4. Tony Romo - S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 10, WWA - 3, SWAG - 9 = AS - 8.25
WHAT?!? Tony Romo at number four, that’s crazy! He’s not even one of the ten best players in the NFL! Well maybe that’s not what this is about, maybe, just maybe, dude is really effing awesome! Let’s play word association - Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Sophia Bush, Candice Crawford -- Girls I would pay to get with.
That's...a game changer.
Are you serious?!?! What is awesomeness for, if not for getting hot, famous chicks? Four years ago, he was an Eastern Illinois graduate, i think he graduated, and a third string quarterback in the NFL. Now he’s the starting QB of America’s Team and the hot blonds are lining up. Talk about rags to riches!!! The kicker? He does it all with a smile on his face and a strut in his step. He loves what he does, is great at it, and KNOWS IT! Tony, I would love to be you if I was Awesome!
3. Tiger Woods - S - 6, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 10, SWAG - 8 = AS - 8.5
We’ve all heard too much about how shitty Tiger Wood’s life is recently, let’s look at the positives. He is married to a fox. Elin is smoking hot, she was a model, she still could be. While married to her, he has still been getting with every other decent looking woman he sees. Sounds pretty sweet to me. Whether you believe he shouldn’t have been doing it, he shouldn’t have gotten caught, or everything is peachy. What it has done is really put Tiger Woods on the map in Laos , Bangladesh and Estonia
As much as you hate Tiger, by my grading system, he’s pretty awesome. Golf is a pretty great sport, Tiger is an icon everywhere in the world, his sex life is more than legit, maybe not anymore, but…he’s bigger than his sport and has no one to thank except himself, and maybe Steve Williams and Butch Harmon, but really just himself, and I hate thanking people so that’s a definite plus.
Currently, maybe not that awesome, but if I was awesome a few years ago, or a few years in the future, I’d be Tiger.
I don't know about current Tiger, but this Tiger... Living the good life.
2. Usain Bolt - S - 10, IS - 8, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 11 = AS - 8.5
Really? A sprinter? That’s not that cool. Wrong. Fastest Man Alive is one of the coolest titles there is along with Best Halo Player and Best Beirut Shot. Can you imagine being Usain Bolt at a high school party that is getting busted by the cops? He would be pulling away from cop cars on foot! That is awesome.
I notice I gave him an 11 for Swag. That’s weird, I thought it was out of 10. It was, and then Usain Bolt changed things in the Olympics, on the biggest stage, by high stepping to a world record in the 100 meter and then showboating before the 200m and smashing Michael Johnson’s unbreakable world record. No one is better at what they do by as much as Usain Bolt. Michael Phelps has a lot of Olympic bling, but he had help from teammates and the luck of that average dude who’s married to Marisa Miller. Phelps wasn’t blowing people away, he was edging them out by hundredths of seconds. Bolt makes other world class sprinters look like they are standing still. He pulls away like no one we’ve ever seen and he flaunts it. He is known all over the world and even though he’s dating a suspect honey…I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt that relationships are more laid back in Jamaica
'nuff said.
Finally, the number one person it would be awesome to be, if I was awesome…
1. Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro -- S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 8, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.875
I just lost a lot of friends, but the numbers don’t lie. Sometimes when people hate you it’s because you suck, other times it’s because they are jealous and want to be you. If you don’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo you better be in the top ten of this list. Sorry to pick on Michael Phelps, but if Michael Phelps doesn’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo, he’s an idiot. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid footballer ever, he must be top 10 in the world looks wise, is only 25, is known everywhere, and every time you see a picture of him there is a beautiful woman on his arm. EVERY FREAKING TIME!
Please tell me what this guy doesn’t have? The love and affection of every single person in the world? Good, I want to be a bad boy. Would you rather be Payton Manning or Tony Romo? Take your Super Bowl ring and close nit family, Payton, I’ll take Candice Crawford. Being awesome is about being awesome, it’s about making people want to be you, not making friends. I’m not picking someone I want to lead my family in prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, that’s a no brainer, it’s Tim Tebow. I’m picking someone who I wouldn’t let my daughter near, who I wouldn’t feel 100% comfortable being friends with, who makes me think that God doesn’t actually spend the same amount of time on all of us. Maybe I’m just a nice guy and I’ll never be awesome, but out on that swing set at four in the morning, swinging way higher than is safe for a grown ass man to swing, thinking about what it would be like and who I would be if I was awesome. I think about Cristiano Ronaldo because simply put, dudes the shit.
Making straight dudes on swing sets everywhere question their sexuality.
If you think anyone was left off this list, I don’t care what you think, because you’re not awesome. You’re not out there every night on that swing set busting your ass to swing higher than ever before. So you don’t get a damn vote!
Romo has beady little doll eyes that creep me out. Off-putting ears as well.
ReplyDeletewow an 8 really an 8 kobe is the best to ever play the game. he has carried the lakers to win 4 championships and to the finals this year. he knows he is the best and thats why on most possions kobe is the only one to touch the ball. his swagg should be around 12 to 13
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