Sport that kill...YOU

Watching the honorary starters tee off at this year’s Masters, I began to think, not about the unbelievable history of the Masters, or of the remarkable legacies that Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer have left on the game of golf. What I began to visualize was a screaming duck hook piercing into the crowd, striking a small child in the head, knocking him off his father’s shoulders and nearby patrons crowding around his lifeless body like it was an errant Tiger Wood’s tee shot. Thankfully, it didn’t happen and realistically, with Nicklaus and Palmer being only 70 and 80 respectively, it wasn’t going to. Nonetheless, in past years Sam Sneed has teed it up at 89, Byron Nelson swung away at 89 and, bless his soul, Gene Sarazen somehow managed an attempt each year until he was 97! I’m not saying those balls are exactly firing off the club face, but placed directly into a child’s temple…it could do some serious damage. Please don’t tell me that they were professional golfers. A 97 YEAR OLD MAN HAS NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE THE BALL IS GOING!

You're going to tell me Gene knew where this ball was going?

So I pose the question: What is the most dangerous sport to spectate? If you roll to the stadium or the ballpark or the course with your son on a Saturday afternoon. Which sports pose the greatest risk of you never making it home?

Most sports, obviously, pose no threat at all to their spectators -- this would be a serious issue. Still, there are a few sports that do offer a small amount of risk. A dangerous sport for a player is not necessarily a dangerous sport for a spectator; football, rugby, freebase rock climbing, boxing... These are all sports with high injury risk for players, but none for the fans.

 Football: Dangerous for him, not for you.

What we are looking for are sports where the actual sport being played poses the risk to the spectators. It seems like soccer fans are always dying, but those deaths are stadium or other spectator related, so soccer will not be making this list. Soccer is used to taking it on the chin, they’ll get through this.

Here is a list of the sports that the risk averse should consider skipping:


5. NASCAR

Not only is NASCAR painfully unentertaining, but it’s incredibly dangerous for everyone involved. Fans and spectators are separated by a chain link fence. A CHAIN LINK FENCE!!! Forty-three cars are whipping around a narrow race track at over 200 mph and safety experts have determined that a chain link fence is all that is needed to protect patrons a few feet away? Tires have killed fans, that has happened, that is a fact, but what about scraps of metal, bolts, screws, broken glass, flipping cars, fires? Not only are you watching something you could see on the side of the highway -- people driving fast! -- but there is an added risk of injury or death.

Worth it: Doesn’t seem like it to me.

 If you looked really quickly might you think this was NASCAR?

4. Hockey

Okay, we’ve upgraded to glass blocking objects from hitting spectators, and pucks aren’t as dangerous as sharp pieces of metal. So we’re good, right? No, not even a little, because in this sport, players are firing slap shots at 80 to 90 mph and other players are actually trying to deflect them. Fans are one high or poorly deflected slap shot away from a trip to the hospital. I have actually been to a hockey game where a girl took a puck to the face! Lucky for the Devils she was a tank and shook it off. If that puck had struck me they would not have been as lucky.

Worth it: Hmmmm… If Washington or Pittsburgh are playing, it’s worth it, otherwise, too risky.

 Why is he smiling!!! It looks like he's been shot!!! I know why. Too much hockey.

3. Skeet Shooting, Trap Shooting, Sporting Clays (Any other sport where someone has a gun)

For those who don’t know, these are all competitive shotgun shooting competitions that are in the Olympics, I could also have throw Biathlon in here, but I like it too damn much. Bottom line, when someone has a gun, it’s more dangerous than it needs to be. I don’t want to be there when this guy is told that he foot faulted and he still has three rounds left in the chamber.

Worth it: Definitely not!

 Does this guy look like he wants to play sports? I don't think so.

2. Baseball

Have you been to the ballpark recently? Did you sit in one of the first few rows down the first or third baselines? That is no joke! My parents are getting older and I honestly don’t think it’s safe for them to hold those seats anymore. You need to be a fucking ninja to sit there. It should be like the exit row on a plane, you can’t just be willing, you have to be able as well. My parents don’t react to foul balls until they are well into the stands. A foul ball could strike them in the face before they realized that a pitch had been thrown. So when we go to the ballpark I always have to be on my toes when lefties come up. The problem is that part of me knows -- the realistic part -- that I won't catch the ball, I'll just deflect it into someone else's face. Which is better, but not an apology I'm comfortable making.

Me - "Yeah, I'm really sorry. It was headed at my mother... I tried to catch it... It kind of had a knuckling action to it, even if I'd had a glove I'm not sure if..."
Injured Paton -"FUCK OFF CHUCK KNOBLAUCH!"
Me - "Actually, Knoblauch's glove wasn't really the problem. It was his throws to first that--"
(I get punched in the face)

Worth it: Yes, just sit a little further back or pull a John Olerud.

 You think John Olerud was ready for a foul ball? He wore a helmet in the field!

1. The Running of the Bulls

You have to be one brave son of a bitch or clinically insane to run with the bulls in Pamplona. You have to be just as brainless to stand along the fence and root for the maniacs and bulls running past. The bulls don’t know who is playing the game, hell, they don’t even know it’s a game. They are trying to kill the annoying people in their way and if that person is against the fence, they are going to try and spear that person. If they spear you…I just don’t think they really care.

Worth it: It has got to be fun watching people run from bulls in fear, but please, for the love of God, watch from someone’s balcony and not right up against the fence.

 You think this bull cares about your feelings?

Please, don’t think that I hate these sports. Unless I said otherwise, I think these are dynamite sports, I just think there are risks involved with watching them, especially from the good seats. Then again, you have a much better chance of dying on the way to the stadium than you do of dying while you’re there. So buckle up!

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