So You’re Banging An Athlete

I think we can all agree that in high school the hottest girls played sports. It’s a great way to stay in shape, get into the popular clique, get a light natural tan and show off your stems. If you were a guy, dating an athlete was the tits -- unless she played softball -- you were dating one of the most fit, hottest girls at your high school and thus, you were cool. I personally never dated an athlete in high school. I came really close once, but she told me to go for someone a little more “in my league.” I believe her exact words were “humped back whales should date other humped back whales.” I never really understood what that meant...

Now you’re in college. The level of athletic play had gone WAY up. There are WAY more sports that involve little to no actual physical exertion, and most girls have realized that they can just jog or throw up after meals to stay in shape. Now most girls who play sports have “the fire” a term that means she can most likely kick your ass and quite frankly terrifies the shit out of me…but most of the athletes are still hot-- unless they play softball, hockey or basketball (now that basketball has become way more intense, the seriously hot girls have been weeded out and replaced by seriously tall girls). If you are dating an athlete in college, you are most likely still dating a hip, in shape girl, you just have to make sure you don’t piss her off because remember, she has “the fire.” I never got the chance to date an athlete in college either, I guess I was too busy studying…and that fire thing made me nervous. Yeah, that’s probably why…

WE’VE REACHED THE PROS! And for the most part these are the girls who got a little too much testosterone in the womb. The hottest girls have been weeded out and are getting married to the somewhat douchey, or lucky, guys who were able to woo them in college-- or high school in the south. Now we’re left with the best of the best and for the most part they are, for lack of a better word, strongish…

This is one fight with a girl I would not be remotely ashamed to lose.

But, but, there is still something about an athlete, a muscular pair of stems, a tight frame, the fact that they are better than us at sports; there is something about an athlete that makes her hotter than she deserves to be, that keeps her near the top of our hotness charts even though they have no right to be there (some do, but most…no).

Here are eight female athletes that I am proud to say I find super hot, even if they aren’t a model, an 8 or Jessica Alba. There is something about an athlete that just…does it for me. This list isn’t just the hottest athletes. It is a combination of what sport they play, how good they are, and then yes, how good they look playing.

# Not on This List. Anna Rawson

 This is one of the few pictures in the world that makes time slow and you truly think, "have I ever really seen anyone hotter?"

So hot. So freaking hot. Like, whaaaaat! hot. The fact that she even knows what golf is makes her twice as hot, but she’s hotter than she is an athlete. Like Anna Kournikova, while her playing sports makes her hotter, it doesn’t make her hot. That is why she is not on the list. This list is for the ladies who are really only considered hot because they play sports.

No we can actually start...

8. Candice Parker

If you’ve never looked at Candice Parker on the court and said, “she’s actually pretty good looking,” you’ve never watched the Tennessee Lady Volunteers or the WNBA Sparks…probably a good thing. Nevertheless, there is something about this tall, lanky, competitor making a smooth jump hook that gets my blood pumping.

 Sheldon clearly met her when she was in a vulnerable place.

7. Jennie Finch

 Kind of gross right?

How about now...

Sports bro. Sports.

Show me Jennie Finch in a bikini and I will show you someone who is not interested. Show me Jennie Finch toeing a pitching rubber and I’ll show you someone who has tough time keeping his emotions in check. A woman some might refer to as a “thick chick” off the field is a stone cold hottie on it, and when she throws that heater? Forget about it. Any girl who could strike me out and looks like Jennie Finch is a-okay with me.

6. Sue Bird

Ever since her glory days playing UConn basketball, I’ve had a thing for Sue Bird. She really plays the whole, “in no way do I think or know that I’m hot, I give 100% on the court,” thing like an absolute pro. She is hot, is good at basketball and is able to keep a slender build while playing top level sports. Keep doing what you’re doing Sue, because you’re doing it for me.

 Can you call an older woman cute? I'm going to say no.

5. Maria Sharapova

Not the hottest tennis player, Elana Dementieva, Caroline Wozniacki and especially Maria Kirilenko make her look like Seth Green, but Sharapova is the one who becomes hot, really hotter, on the court. When she pumps her fist after an ace, grunts on a backhand shot or sits on the court after losing a tough point she is HOT! Sharapova is sports first, hot second, and I’m just a little bit cool with that.

 She's a tennis player who is hot. Not the other way around.

4. Misty May- Treanor

 Beach Volleyball... Hot.

Everyone has been in a fuss about Misty May for a while now. Misty and her partner Keri Walsh, her on the court partner, have been winning volleyball matches and our hearts for years. News flash, Misty is about a 6 off the court. I’m just going to come out and say it, she’s a little chunk and her face doesn’t exactly make me go “Whee Whooo”-- that’s the whistling sound from that 3OH!3 song. On the court you ask…10! Give that girl some large frame shades, put sand under her feet and have her set a volleyball and I will vote her Miss USA. Ahh what a little athletic ability can do for you.

3. Gretchen Bleiler

Any girl that can cruise down a half pipe at the winter x-games and unleash a double cork is cool with me. Hell, any girl that can snowboard is cool with me, but then take off your helmet and goggles and scarf and look like this!!!

 Other girls don't like Gretchen because she's better than them.

Uhhhhh, yes please. That is a girl you can be proud to show your friends. “Hey guys, this is my girlfriend Gretchen Bleiler. Just thought I’d let you know she’s hotter than your girlfriends, cooler than your girlfriends, tougher than your girlfriends, never has mood swings like your girlfriends…oh, and she’s an absolute freak in bed. Cool, so you guys got some beer and a funnel? It’s kind of her thing.”

2. Dara Torres

Out of the pool, she’s just a mom, driving carpool, doing laundry, telling her kids they can’t watch Family Guy. In the pool, the word MILF doesn’t come close to cutting it.

 What does your mom look like? Ohhh...I guess she doesn't play sports then...

If you look like that and can swim the 50-meter free in 24 flat, you’re a MPICPP - Mom Pussy I’m Comfortable Putting on the Pedestal. Is she serious? She is 43 years old! Quick! If you were drowning in a river 50-meters from your wife, who would you want to be married to? I personally would want it to be Dara.

1. Mia Hamm

 I'm a little more in love with Mia because she was my first sports crush.

Anyone else holding the number one spot on this list would be unjust. Mia Hamm has done more for woman’s sports than anyone else out there including Anna Kournikova and Alison Stokke combined.  There is something about Mia Hamm knocking down another girl or scoring a goal that does it for every guy out there. In no way is she a model, and if I saw her in the supermarket, I definitely wouldn’t double take, but when she’s on that soccer pitch with her eyes focused on the prize…there is no one quite like her.

They might not be models, but they look damn hot playing sports, and think about breeding. You’re kids are going to be thoroughbreds! That is…unless your genes mess it up.

The Decade's Worst and Best at Each of the Top Ten Picks

 In anticipation of the Raider’s epically bad draft selection tonight during the NFL Draft -- I’m predicting Tim Tebow -- let’s go back over the past ten drafts and give you the best and worst selections at each of the top ten picks.

Best 10^th Pick - 2003 Ravens select Arizona State DE Terrell Suggs

Want to hear some stats? In college Suggs recorded 163 tackles, a staggering 65.5 tackles for a loss, and an NCAA career record 44 sacks. As a junior he recorded 24 of those sacks, another NCAA record. The Ravens thought that skill set would transfer well to the pros, and guess what, it has. He’s been to three Pro Bowls, has recorded 427 tackles, 57.5 sacks and 5 interceptions, and has been an integral part of one of the best defenses in recent memory.

Worst 10^th Pick - 2005 Lions select USC WR Mike Williams

Mike Williams was a standout wide out at USC. In two years he pulled in 176 receptions and 30 touchdowns. That’s a lot. That’s averaging over a touchdown a game. Then, showing the early signs of mental retardation, followed Maurice Clarett into the NFL Draft as a sophomore -- Remember Clarett? He’s in jail. He was arrested when police found a Katana and a loaded AK-47 in the trunk of his car. Probably a guy I don’t want to make fun of. So…back to Williams; he lost his lawsuit with the NFL and was forced to sit out the season because he had hired an agent. The next year he was selected 10^th overall by the Detroit Lions. His professional numbers? Well he has weighed as much as 270 pounds, more than some Broncos’ lineman, has 44 receptions and 2 TD’s. Not exactly what you’re looking for from the tenth pick in the draft. Add that he was traded to, and then cut by, the Raiders, a team that has no right to cut anyone, and that should tell you all you need to know about Mikey’s career.

Is this the guy you want to be using as a role model?

Williams recently signed with the Seahawks and his former coach Peter Carroll, so we’re rooting for him to turn it around. But as of now, he’s the worst 10^th pick of the last ten years.

(Honorable mentions: 2006 Cardinals - USC QB Matt Leinart, 2001 Packers - Florida State DE Jamal Reynolds)

Best 9^th Pick - 2000 Bears select New Mexico S/LB Brian Urlacher

Urlacher played safety, linebacker, kickoff return man and wide receiver in college. He had 7 receptions, 6 of them for touchdowns. He was good, but he played at New Mexico which makes him a risky choice in the top 10. Good for the Bears for taking the risk. Urlacher has been a staple at linebacker ever since and the face of the Bears franchise.

 Some risks are worth taking.

Worst 9^th Pick - 2004 Jaguars select Washington WR Reggie Williams

You take a wide receiver in the first round and you’re looking for a game changer, a big time deep threat, someone who takes years off opposing defensive coordinator’s lives… Reggie Williams is currently out of football and throughout his forgettable career averaged 2.4 receptions per game. If you drafted him with your seventh round pick, you regretted it. If you took him ninth overall? Someone is getting fired.

Best 8^th Pick - 2003 Panthers select Utah OT Jordan Gross

Give me a Pro Bowl left tackle who starts every game except one in his first six seasons and I’ll gladly give you the eight pick in the draft. You had me at Pro Bowl.

Worst 8^th Pick - 2001 Bears select Michigan WR David Terrell

Noticing a theme? Third WR in a row…maybe history is trying to tell us something.

Tommy Lee Jones with the flashy thing in the locker room is the only accusation that makes any sense in describing David Terrell’s NFL career. He was great in college, that’s why the Bears took him eighth overall. Then he forgot how to catch the ball. In his four years in the NFL Terrell averaged 2.41 catches per game and 30 yards a game, that’s a decent back up tight end or…a great wide receiver for the Rams.

(Honorable Mention: 1999 Cardinals - Ohio State WR David Boston)

Best 7^th Pick - 2007 Vikings select Oklahoma RB Adrian Peterson

That’s a game changer. A lot of teams passed on AP because of “injury concerns” and because they didn’t expect him to be around and already had other needs they were happy to fill. Who’s laughing now? Josh Childress, Rick Spielman, Brett Favre…

 Really? You took JaMarcus Russell? You must be kicking yourself pretty hard right about now.

Worst 7^th Pick - 2009 Raiders select Maryland WR Darrius Heyward-Bey

The Raiders have a knack for making lists like this. They really know how to flush a high pick away. I can say with some certainty that they’ll be back later on. When the Raiders passed on Michael Crabtree to take Darrius Heyward-Bey I nearly fell out of my chair. I wanted them to take Crabtree! He would have looked bad-ass in the silver and black. Who is making these decisions? You can’t tell me that a group of grown men made this decision together. It makes no sense. Yes, the Raiders love speed. Yes, Heyward-Bey ran a 4.3, the best time for a WR at the combine. SO WHAT! Crabtree won the Biletnikoff Award, given to the best wide receiver in college football, both years he was in college. If you’re a lot better than someone in college with a slower 40 time (still a 4.55), there is a pretty good chance you’ll be better in the pros with that slower 40 time. Damn it Raiders!

Crabtree played 11 games last year after holding out like a little bitch -- Not fair, it might have been his agent -- Anyway, when Crabtree stopped being a little bitch, he caught 48 balls for 625 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Heyward-Bey also only played in 11 games; he had 9 receptions for 124 yards and 1 touchdown… Yeah… In one game last year Brandon Marshall had 21 receptions for 200 yards and 2 touchdowns. But you did real good too Darrius.

Yeah, it’s only been one year. I really don’t care. This one was a bust and the fact that the Raiders had multiple other good options at the same position, all of which they leaped over for two tenths on the 40-yard dash, makes it even worse.

(Honorable Mention - 2005 Vikings - South Carolina WR Troy Williamson)

Best 6^th Pick - 2001 Patriots select Georgia DE Richard Seymour

Seymour was selected to five Pro Bowls in a row from 2002-2006, during that time he won, count them, three Super Bowls. He and Teddy Bruschi were the leaders of that defense, what is there not to like?

Then he got shipped to the Raiders… awkward…

Worst 6^th Pick - 2003 Saints select Georgia DT Johnathan Sullivan

What do you know, Georgia takes best and worst of the sixth picks. Good for them. Okay, if you’ve never heard of Mr. Sullivan, that’s okay, he’s not really worth remembering. He played for the Saints for three years before getting traded to the Patriots where he was promptly dropped. With the Saints he…I’m just going to say it: 1.5 sacks. Sooo… they wish they had that pick back. That or they had taken any of these guys (#10 Terrell Suggs, #16 Troy Polamalu, #31 Nnamdi Asomugha) Then again, the Saints don’t need shit because they won the Super Bowl! So take that me!

(Honorable Mention: 2005 Titans select Adam “Pac Man” Jones -- It’s really not that close, Pac Man had a couple good seasons and became a 99 in Madden in like 2 years in Franchise mode, which is nuts. Unfortunately, Pac Man had serious baggage! Fortunately, he knew how to have a real good time at a strip club. If you’ve seen the video, you know.)

(Picture of “Pac Man” Paying for stripper’s college tuition everywhere.)

Best 5^th Pick - 2001 Chargers trade down and select TCU RB LaDainian Tomlinson

This was a good year for the San Diego Chargers and their GM. They had the worst record in football, so they had the #1 pick in the draft. They traded that pick to Atlanta who selected Michael Vick. San Diego then took LT with Atlanta’s fifth pick and Drew Brees with the first pick in the second round-- heard of him? Yeah, maybe they blew it later by letting Brees go, but they hit two homeruns.

LT made fantasy owners nut in their pants for years. In consecutive seasons he scored 15, 28, 18 and 17, 13 and 14 touchdowns. He has never scored under 10 in any year of his career and last year was the first time he gained under 1,000 yards. LT, the Jets are lucky to have you…even though you suck now.

Worst 5^th Pick --

The fifth pick is clearly the pick to have, because I can’t even choose who the worst player of the past 10 years is, they’re all good. I’m leaning towards Rickie Williams, because of what he cost and his first few years and the whole marijuana thing, but he’s good now, he just is. Here are the last ten #5 picks; Jamal Lewis, LT, Quentin Jammer, Terence Newman, Sean Taylor, Carnell Williams, AJ Hawk, Levi Brown, Glenn Dorsey, Mark Sanchez.

Enjoy tonight Chiefs, you’ve got a freebee.

 Rickie has had his low points, but mostly, it's been the high life.

Best 4^th Pick - 2006 Jets select Virginia OT D’Brickashaw Ferguson

Left tackles aren’t flashy, we know that, but if you’ve seen “The Blind Side,” or better, read the book, you know how important they are. The Brick has started 64 games in a row for the Jets at left tackle, that’s every game he’s been in the league. You think he helped Mark Sanchez make the transition to the NFL? You think he helped Thomas Jones rush for 1,402 yards last year, third most in the league? He’s the real deal, let’s just leave it at that.

Worst 4^th Pick - 2000 Bengals select Florida State WR Peter Warrick

Peter Warrick was the jams at Florida State. I’m going to blame this one on the Bengals. His quarterbacks were Scott Mitchell, Akili Smith and Jon Kitna -- when he sucked, you - “he always sucked!” True, I’m so sorry, Peter.

(Honorable Mention: 2005 Bears - Texas RB Cedric Benson)

 I think you have to blame the Bengals for this one.

Best 3^rd Pick - 2004 Cardinals select Pittsburgh WR Larry Fitzgerald

Any wide receiver who can help lead the Arizona Cardinals to the Super Bowl is really freaking good. Larry Fitzgerald is better than them! Well, he is them, so… Fitzgerald caught a touchdown pass in 18 straight college football games. Most teams don’t score a touchdown in 18 straight games. Larry knows how to catch the damn ball. In the pros, unlike some, he has remembered how. He has over 1,000 yards in 4 of his six professional seasons, over 1,400 in three of them. He’s caught 59 career touchdowns and doesn’t appear to be slowing down anytime soon.

(Honorable Mentions: 2003 Texans - Miami WR Andre Johnson -- and this pick was questioned a lot, “he’s a track guy,” he’s an unreal receiver!, 2000 Redskins - Alabama OT Chris Samuels - Dude didn’t let up a quarterback pressure his senior year at Alabama, think about that)

Worst 3^rd Pick - 1999 Bengals select Oregon QB Akili Smith

I really was rooting for this guy. This was a QB draft of QB drafts. The first three picks were; Couch, McNabb and Smith, later in the first round came Dante Culpepper and Cade McNown, all top twelve picks. I was pulling for Smith to be the best of the bunch…I should have pulled harder. That’s what she said. See how I did that? Moving on…

Although Couch, Smith and McNown all sucked big ones, Smith was the worst. His career numbers were 6 touchdowns (5 passing, 1 rushing), 13 interceptions and 14 fumbles. Quarterback is a tough position…it’s not that tough.

(Honorable Mention - 2002 Detroit - Oregon QB Joey Harrington)

Lesson? Don't pick Oregon QB's in the three hole.

Best 2^nd Pick - 1999 Eagles select Syracuse QB Donovan McNabb

Philadelphia never deserved Donovan. They booed him when he walked up on stage at Madison Square Garden after the Eagles selected him -- they wanted Ricky Williams -- they have never been satisfied with the four NFC Championship games or the Super Bowl and now they have shipped him off to Washington. GOOD! Go Skins!

 McNabb gave and he gave and he gave, and for what?

Worst 2^nd Pick - 2003 Lions select Michigan State WR Charles Rogers

After all the top picks the Lions have thrown away on shitty wide receivers, insert Charles Rogers and Mike Williams here, the fact that the Lions took Calvin Johnson with the second pick in 2008 shows real balls, or more likely just how dumb they are. I know it paid off, I’m just saying: if you try to motorcycle jump the Grand Canyon twice and fail, somehow managing not to die, you shouldn’t try a third time. That’s just a basic rule of survival, you probably shouldn’t have tried the second time.

Charles Rogers was a big skinny man at Michigan State, he was also a big skinny man for the Detroit Lions…he was also a big skinny man when he fathered 5 children, 2 before he graduated from high school. The problem with big skinny men? They take big hits like big skinny men, and after a good start to his rookie season, 22 catches and 3 touchdowns in his first five games, Rogers broke his collar bone twice and didn’t play the rest of the year. Then he started drinking, kept smoking-- he claims to have smoked everyday -- and a year later he was cut. To add insult to his horrid career-- how many second picks stay on your roster for only two year?-- just this month he was ordered by a judge to repay $6.1 of his $9.1 million signing bonus…think he still has that cash? I’m guessing no.

Best 1^st Pick - 2003 Bengals select USC QB Carson Palmer

There really wasn’t a clear cut winner to this. Carson is a top notch QB, but he’s never done anything all that special. One second round playoff game…thrown some touchdowns… Does he really deserve this honor of being the best number one pick of the last ten years? Probably not, but I’m not giving it to Eli Manning, he forced his way to New York like a whiney bitch and his Super Bowl was a fluke and a half. I should have given it to Mario Williams, that pick took balls when everyone was so excited about Reggie Bush. Williams is one of the top DE’s in the league and a game changer, but Reggie got some finger bling this year, and as much as the haters say he’s no good…I think he helps a team with his versatility and his SWAG. So Carson takes it.

(David Tyree picture -- Eli’s Super Bowl...right there… give me those odds in Vegas)

Worst 1^st Pick - 2007 Raiders select LSU QB JaMarcus Russell

I tried to go other ways, I wanted to, but I saw JaMarcus Russell play last year, so I couldn’t. When he successfully drops the ball off to the Fullback it’s an accomplishment. He completes just over 50% of his passes-- that blows for those of you who don’t just know that-- he has thrown 18 touchdowns to 23 interceptions, is fat, has fumbled 25 times, and was benched for Brad Gradkowski!!! I respect Brad, but even Brad knows there isn’t much worse than getting benched for him. You can tell by how hard Brad tries out there. JaMarcus still has time to turn it around, but until he does… He’s the worst pick of the past ten years.

(Honorable Mention: 2005 49ers - Utah QB Alex Smith, 2002 Texans - Fresno State QB David Carr, 1999 Browns - Kentucky QB Tim Couch)

 You can almost tell something is up here.

Statistics That Stand Out

- Lions, Raiders and Bengals combined for 6 of the 9 worst picks. (There was no worst 5^th pick)

- 8 of the 10 teams with top picks of the decade made the playoffs last year including all of the top 7.

- 11 of the 19 best or worst were wide receivers or quarterbacks. Huge risk, reward.

- 6 of the 9 worst picks were wide receivers.

- Every bad pick since 2006 was the Raiders (only two: Heyward-Bey and Russell)

- No team had more than one best pick, maybe because they weren’t picking in the top ten anymore.

- The Lions, Raiders and Bengals all had two of the worst picks.

The bad choices definitely jump out at you; however, the main thing I take from this list is how not-that-great the best selections are. Yeah, some of them are elite talents, but most of the best players in the league are taken later in the draft. Obviously this is just a small portion of the total picks, but they are supposed to be the 10 best players each year. (We did just miss #1 overall Payton by a few years.)

What does this mean? Drafting is not a perfect science, college success is not a perfect indication of professional success, neither is a 40-yard dash time, and you might as well go with an offensive or defensive lineman, because although not as flashy, they usually stick around for a while and are pretty safe bets. Nevertheless, there is an incredible amount of skill involved in selecting a future NFL star and the Raiders, Bengals and Lions need to put in some more time or make some changes in how they do it.

Top 5 Picks in the NFL Draft: Why Most of Them Just Won't Help

Let’s Talk Draft: What teams with top 5 picks need, why they need these players and why these players, in most cases, won’t help a thing.

So let’s get this started, the Rams are on the clock…

RAMS (1-15)

Needs - Steven Jackson, Jason Smith and Chris Long watch from the training room in horror as the team plane goes down on the way back from an off season team-togetherness trip to Mexico. To rebuild quickly, the league allows the Rams to take a few players from each other NFL team to fill its roster-- like an expansion team. The Rams improve vastly at every position.

Sometimes less is actually more.

I would never actually wish this on the Rams, but I think their fans might. They need some serious, serious help. Record wise, no, but talent wise, this team is worse than the 0-16 Lions of 2009. They just are, they have no weapons except Steven Jackson, who is just collecting dust wishing he had stayed in college and was a CPA at a bank somewhere.

Should Pick - Ndamukong Suh DT Nebraska. You take Ndamukong Suh here and you thank your lucky stars. He is a force in the inside and a can’t miss. Look at the 2008 Titans, Albert Haynesworth was that team. Kerry Collins did nothing as the quarterback, he managed the games, handed the ball off, and they went 14-2. No one is denying that a quarterback has a bigger affect on a football game than a defensive lineman, but a quarterback with no help or protection develops bad habits and struggles. Take the sure thing, build a hard working no superstar team and then get a quarterback to take you to the next level.

Will Pick - Sam Bradford. Can I blame them? Yes. He is far from a sure thing, he was injured last season, he’s stick thin, he took all of his snaps from shotgun, he has curly hair… The list goes on. The reason they’ll do it? They haven’t had a real franchise quarterback since Kurt Warner and the greatest show on turf (Bulger was never thaaaaaaaaaaat good). They’re fans want it and they want their fans. So really maybe you can’t blame them. Defensive Tackle jerseys are just tough to market to skinny people.

LIONS (2-14)

The Lions have built the wrong way, offense first, and because of that they will struggle for a long time. You can’t score enough points to win in the NFL. All great teams have a defense.

 Finally some picks that seem to be paying off for the Lions.

Needs - Lions are pretty solid at QB, RB, WR and TE which is pretty shocking for a 2-14 team. Their defense on the other hand? They gave up a league worst 392.7 yards a game last year, a league worst 265 passing yards a game and an eighth worst 126 rush yards a game. They need some serious help everywhere on D. Oh, did I mention they traded Ernie Sims, their starting middle linebacker and one of their few good defenders?

Should Pick - Gerald McCoy DT, Oklahoma. They should pick him because Suh should be off the board. However, with Suh falling, you go with Suh. A great DT can change the game. He might not make the big hits, force the key fumbles or get the flashy interceptions, but Suh will draw double and triple teams, clog up the middle on runs, create one-on-one matchups for his defensive ends on the outside, and be the hardest working, biggest guy on your team.

Will Pick - Ndamukong Suh DT Nebraska. I like it. The Lions need it, they know what they are getting, there is no reason to get cute here. The Lions have messed up too many top 10 picks before.

BUCCANEERS (3-13)

Tampa Bay is really a team on the decline. A classic case of an organization who thinks they are above their players and coaches. Jon Gruden is a great NFL couch, he’s a leader and a schemer. He gets the best out of his players and Tampa thrived under him in his first year, winning the Superbowl. Then Tampa thought, we’re the best! They thought they didn’t need their stars; W. Sapp - gone, M. Pittman - gone, Keyshawn - gone, Simeon Rice - gone, J. Lynch gone, B. Johnson gone. This is a ton of talent lost, but Gruden held the team together, because he is a great coach. Then, when missing the playoff wasn’t enough, even though their record was about 5 games better than their talent dictated, they got rid of Gruden… then they went 3-13. Next year… they probably won’t win three.

Look at the Patriots, an organization that has proven to be above its players and coaches. Through all of the shuffling of coaches and players two things have remained constant; Tom Brady and Bill Belichick aren’t going anywhere. 

 Brady and Belichick aren't going anywhere.

Needs: Tampa Bay needs a QB, I know they drafted Josh Freedman last year… Okay, so QB, RB, WR, let’s speed this up, they have an old Ronde Barber, that’s about it.

Should Pick: Gerald McCoy DT, Oklahoma. Tampa Bay allowed the most rushing yards in the league last year, 158 per game. That is a good way to lose games and annoy your fans-- at least passing touchdown are quick. They need a run stopper and with Suh off the board that’s McCoy. Scouts rank him just as high as Suh on most draft boards. He is solid, you have seen him dominate in college. Take the safe impact player at three overall.

Will Pick: Gerald McCoy DT, Oklahoma. They won’t blow this one, there isn’t really a blow it pick here, who are you going to take Tebow? Haha…ha…ha… Shut it! I’m a big Tebow supporter.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS (4-12)

Here we finally have a team that falls firmly into the underachieved, will be much better next year, category. They lost five games they should have won last year and now they have a franchise quarterback in Donovan McNabb. I see this team in the playoffs next year, so what piece helps them get there?

Needs: They have some talent at WR in Santana Moss and Devin Thomas and two really solid players at TE in Chris Cooley and Fred Davis. Would Dez Bryant help? Yes, but at number four there is no way they can take him here. If they trade down, maybe he comes back into the picture. They also need some help in the defensive backfield and on the offensive line.

Should Pick: Russell Okung OT, Oklahoma St. The Redskins should protect their most recent investment with a very solid offensive tackle. It might not be flashy, but dominant offensive lines win games. We have seen a lot of great running backs and quarterbacks falter when their offensive line deteriorates.

Will Pick: Eric Berry S, Tennessee. The Redskins like to make a splash, they often ignore needs to go with a flashy talent. This team loved hard hitting Sean Taylor and they get a similar player in Eric Berry. This pick is far from thrown away, they address a defensive need in getting Berry and get a top upside talent who is ready to play right now.

 Remind you of anyone else who wore a Redskin's jersey?

Kansas City Chiefs (4-12)

Another just God awful team. I like rooting for the Chiefs, I’m not really sure why, but I do. This team was right on mark at four wins last year and they will be there for a while. They have a backup for a quarterback, a backup for a running back and well, backups for almost every other position. It’s hard to understand how it gets this bad.

 What happened to Larry Johnson? What happened to the Chiefs? Maybe Larry Johnson happened to the Chiefs.

Should Take: Russell Okung OT, Oklahoma St. or Bryan Bulaga OT Iowa. Berry would have also been an interesting choice, but with him off the board it’s time to choose which offensive tackle you like best.

Will Pick: Russell Okung OT, Oklahoma St. The Chiefs and Scott Pioli are boring, they’ll make the right pick.

I know that all teams do their homework, but I find it extremely interesting when a player falls further than anyone anticipated he would, and teams have to make decisions they didn’t really anticipate having to make. Teams didn’t expect Adrian Peterson to be around after the first three picks in 2007. As a result he fell to 7^th. Teams had to make a choice between addressing a need, one they had really wrapped their minds around and were happy with, and getting a potential game changer. The Lions, Browns, Bucs, Cardinals and Redskins erred on the side of caution. You think they regret that now? I see a lot of those same names in the top 5 of this draft.

Eff Offensive Fouls In The Butt

Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but I still enjoy taking a nice girl to dinner and a movie, I still enjoy my porn on VHS and I still enjoy basketball games that are decided by clutch jump shots, not offensive fouls! I’m all for great defense, but man up and play great defense. Why was Michael Jordan’s game winner in Game 6 of the 1998 finals so special? Because Byron Russell was busting his ass on defense but just couldn’t stay with him.

 At least Russell tried.

Tonight charges killed what could have been an epic Jazz v. Nuggets game-- It still was pretty darn good. With 1:17 left and the Jazz up 108-106, C.J. Miles flopped down on a Carmelo Anthony drive and drew an offensive foul, Carmelo’s 5^th. Yes, Melo lowered his shoulder. Yes, it was the right call. I don’t care. It was also clear that Miles was going to flop no matter what move Melo made. Miles got lucky and as an audience we missed out on a possible great Melo moment. Then but 27 seconds later, the score now 108-107 Jazz, a methodical Kyle Korver drive collided with a stationary Nene. Guess what, offensive foul. Not to worry. Don’t blink you’ll miss it. Next time down the court Korver stepped in front of Chauncey Billups and… TOOK A CHARGE. Give me a break. I get that defenders need a weapon against wildly driving guards. We’ve all played against that guy at the YMCA who just drives and calls fouls every time, but late game charges take away from great games.

 If you can't guard him, try letting him bump into you and then falling backwards.

Just like my girlfriend when she washes off her makeup, charges really take me out of the mood. It is obviously “good defense” under the current rules, but have you ever thought about how subjective a charge call is? Were the defender’s feet set? Was the defender in the cylinder? Was the offensive player in the air? Did he release the ball before contact? Did the offensive player lower his shoulder? Was the defender leaning forward? You're telling me a referee can determine all of these things in a split second? Bull! Half the time another referee is giving a different signal.

The truth is, I don’t even want a block called. I don’t care if Melo can hit two foul shots, I want to see if he can hit a step back jump shot in C.J. Miles grill! That’s the whole reason we watch the game! To see the best players get their special on.

Basketball obviously can’t get rid of the charge all together, but what if it was a foul, but the offense kept the ball? I don’t know, I don’t have the answer, but late game charges just aren’t doing it for me.

If I Was Awesome…Who Would I be? -- Sports Edition

Sometimes I think about things. Like really think. Like nothing else matters in the world except for me and my thoughts. How do I do it? First, I wait for my parents to fall asleep. They aren’t going to understand my thinking deep thoughts. When I am positive they are asleep, I start a timer and wait for two more hours to be extra certain they have entered rem sleep and are passed the eff out. When my timer rings, I sneak out my window and sprint into the woods behind my house. How do I manage to jump from a second story window each night without hurting myself? Ha! When I was little, I convinced my parents that I needed a fire escape ladder in case there was a fire in the hallway and I couldn’t get out of my room! Where’s the fire now, bitches!

Okay. So I’ve stealthily made my way out of my house and am now sprinting through the woods. I know what you simpletons are probably thinking. Why are you sprinting though the woods, won’t that make noise? OF COURSE IT WILL MAKE NOISE! Obviously, I am sprinting because I don’t want someone to hear me sneaking! If someone hears running in the woods behind their house at one in the morning they will think it’s a bear or a wild boar, not a human, especially at the rabid pace at which I am moving!

So I finally get to John Williamson Elementary about a three hour sprint from my house-- I actually think it might be in the next state over, but I have not confirmed this. While there are closer parks to my house, they all have far less cool playground equipment. At this time at night I have the entire park all to myself, aside from a homeless man who usually tries to force intercourse on me, before passing out drunk. Now fully alone, I sit down on one of the small swings, lean back, and start to sway. Soon I am really making that lightweight child’s swing set sweat-- try saying that five times while on shrooms. I’m getting some serious air that Napoleon Dynamite himself would be proud of because I’m remembering my fundamentals.  I make sure to tuck my legs on backward swings and extend them straight in front of me on forward swings. It’s pretty damn awesome.

Anyway, when I start really getting high, I close one eye, stare up into the starlit sky with the other, and I think about what it would be like if I had my closed eye open, and my open eye closed. This takes me to a deep, deep, deep deep place where I can then ask myself the real question: “What if I was awesome? -- Sports Edition.”

Sometimes it’s cool to not be awesome, but it’s always awesome to be awesome, and who is more awesome than a professional athlete? No one! Not even you Barak Obama. I know you’re reading this! Stupid White Sox cap at the Nationals game! NOT AWESOME! SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!

So here are the eight athletes I would be if I was awesome, in order of how awesome it would be.

The Awesomeness Scale, or AS to those in the know, is a combination of eight factors:

Sport (S) - What sport do you play? How awesome is that sport?

Icon Status (IS) - Are you an icon? How many people I talk to each day know you’re awesome?

Sex Life x2 (SL) - Are you making use of your awesomeness?

World Wide Appeal (WWA) - If I say your name in Somalia will someone say, “dude is awesome!”?

Swagger x3 (SWAG) - Do you let everyone know that you are awesome? Do you make them mad? Do you make them try harder, even try to cheat…and then still beat them?

People who aren’t awesome can’t have swagger, when they try it is called being lame or being a douche. If you are awesome, you need to let your two big swaggernuts hang low! That is what being awesome is really truly about.

Awesome Consolation List -- Sports Edition

For making the consolation list an athlete gets the knowledge that he was considered, his AS, and one line to explain why he isn’t as cool as I, or he, previously thought he was. For those who didn’t make the list, look in the mirror, how is you making out for you? My guess is not all that well.

29. Georges St. Pierre - S - 5, IS - 4, SL - 3, WWA - 6, SWAG - 3 = AS - 3.75

- That Under Armour suit he wears in that commercial makes me uncomfortable.

28. Ichiro - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 2, WWA - 7, SWAG - 2 = AS - 4.375

- Maybe it’s the language barrier or could it be the fact that his wife is a two…

27. Roger Federer - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 1, WWA - 9, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.625

- She looks like a really…nice woman… I’m sure she’s nice…Yeah… nice...

26. Michael Phelps - S - 4, IS - 10, SL - 6, WWA - 8, SWAG - 4 = AS - 5.75

- If he sat next to me on the bus, I might move, nay, I would move.

 This suit also makes me more than a little bit uncomfortable.

25. Brock Lesnar - S - 5, IS - 5, SL - 5, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 5.75

- I wouldn’t climb into a ring or a bed with him. Would you?

24. Lance Armstrong - S - 3, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 10, SWAG - 5 = AS - 5.75

- It’s not not the testicle things… not not…

23. Manny Pacquiao - S - 10, IS - 6, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.875

- You are awesome. Just in a different way…

22. Tim Lincecum - S - 10 (pitcher), IS - 7, SL - 4, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.375

- Spends a little too much time hanging out with his dad. I love my dad but... Hot chicks Timmy!

21. Laird Hamilton - S - 10, IS - 3, SL - 4, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 6.5

- Could-- Should be so much higher, but the numbers do the talking.

Hey, he got a 10 for sport!

20. Sidney Crosby - S - 5, IS - 7, SL - 7, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 6.5

- For a cool guy, very punchable.

19. Dwight Howard - S - 8, IS - 7, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.5

- He wants on this list way too bad.

18. Steve Nash - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.625

- Love this guy, but as cool guys go. He’s in the middle of the pack.

17. Adrian Peterson - S - 9, IS - 6, SL - 6, WWA - 4, SWAG - 8 = AS - 6.875

- Some people still don’t know who “All Day” AP is. I know you AP, I know you.

16. Alex Ovechkin - S - 5, IS - 6, SL - 4, WWA - 7, SWAG - 10 = AS - 7

- Unreal to watch, too bad it’s hockey. Also, he met one of his girl friend’s online. WHA?!

15. Dwyane Wade - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 7, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.125

- My favorite basketball player, but too nice of a guy. Get back up Dwyane, get back up!

14. Albert Pujols - S - 9, IS - 8, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.125

- Have you seen his wife… Ahh… Albert? News Flash! Girls want to tell other girls that you were inside of them!

13. Rafael Nadal - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.25

- Doesn’t have enough “in your face” game.

 I'm not greedy. I'd take Nadal in my awesome fantasy-life draft.

12. Evan Longoria - S - 9, IS - 5, SL - 7, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.375

- Do you mean Eva Longoria? That’s what my girlfriend said… Well, if I had one, she might have said something like that.

11. Kobe Bryant - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.5

- Does something about Kobe annoy you? You’re not alone.

Did anyone else like Kobe more when he had hair?

The Awesome Ten -- If I was awesome. These are the top ten people I would be! -- Sports Edition.

10. Tom Brady - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 7, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.75

Tom just does his thing. Easy, breezy, beautiful, Tom Brady. As far as sports go, it doesn’t get much better than football. As far as football positions go, it doesn’t get much better than quarterback. As far as quarterbacks go, it doesn’t get much better than three Super Bowl rings. As far as girlfriends go, it doesn’t get much better than Gisele. When I think “baller,” I think skills, grace, looks…I think Tom Brady. You can’t question Tom at number 10, he’s just awesome.

  If tapping that every night doesn’t get you into the top ten, there shouldn’t be a top 10

9. Alex Rodriguez - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 7, WWA - 9, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.875

A Rod has A LOT of short comings. Fortunately for him, they weren’t what I was judging awesomeness on. A Rod has been a household name for more than a decade because… oh yeah, he’s built like Achilles, he’s the highest paid player in baseball, check-it, sports, he plays for the New York Yankees -- finally getting the fans off his back for good last season winning the playoff MVP award -- he was hooking up with Kate Hudson and (cough) Madonna (she’s an icon people, please), and lets not forget he’s best buds with The Captain (maybe a slight exaggeration).

 Okay, ARod, okay... Well, maybe not okay.

He may have cheated baseball, but he definitely didn’t cheat his way onto this list. A Rod is about as awesome as they come.

8. Lionel Messi - S - 9, IS - 4, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.875

Eleven goals in 5 games - gets - your - dick - wet! Like soaking wet! Like Wilt Chamberlain in Jenna Haze in a Hurricane wet. That is ridiculous. You could argue that it is a more impressive feat than hitting 11 homeruns in five games. You’d be wrong, but you could argue it.

Soccer is a world wide sport. People love the other football in every country except the good ‘ole USA. Messi is arguably the best footballer in the world. Therefore he is arguable the best athlete in the world. See how I did that? How would it feel to be the best athlete in the world at 22? Pretty awesome I’d guess, and it would be awesome to feel awesome. Also, he has a model for a girlfriend, and although I am anti-girlfriend, if you have to have one, she might as well be a model and she might as well look like this…

 Uhhh... Yes, please.

7. Derek Jeter - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 7.875

The - Captain. He is the face of the greatest sports team in the US, the New York Yankees. I don’t care where you are from, including New England, you can’t honestly try and argue this. Yeah, in LA they think it’s the Lakers, in Dallas, the Cowboys, in Boston, the Red Sox, or the Patriots, or the Celtics, or BC, or anyone else but the Yankees. Everywhere else, it’s the Yankees. Derek Jeter has won five World Series titles and like a champion has managed to stay unmarried the entire time. His girlfriend list looks like the casting call for an Ocean’s movie: Mariah Carey, Former Miss Universe Lara Dutta (she’s probably not that hot though…right?), Joy Enriquez, Jordana Brewster, Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba. Why would any sports star ever get married!!! Jeter isn’t even good looking!!! (Derek, if you’re reading this I am so sorry I just said that!)

 He's no 10, that's for sure.

If Jeter would ever just swing his thick three foot schlong over his shoulder and strut around the field to accrue some better SWAG points, he’d be #1 on this list, but he won’t, and that’s part of why he’s so awesome. It just keeps him from being…the awesome-est.

6. David Beckham - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 10, SWAG - 7 = AS - 8.125

Love him or hate him, David Beckham is kind of awesome. We, America, might hate him, but he did put the MLS on the map for about 7 minutes -- Hey, Landon Donovan and Freddy Adu couldn’t do it -- What the hell happened to that dude, Freddy Adu? Wasn’t he supposed to be the next Pele? There’s still time… -- Beckham’s wife, an evil word to awesomeness, Victoria Beck, is smoking fine! Smoking hot and fine as hell at the same time. David Beckham’s abs make me want to get in shape. I stress want to. If you’re driving around with your wife and you see a billboard of David Beckham, and she doesn’t think he’s good looking. Pull over and drop her the eff off, because she is one wack ass bitch! How can you trust her to raise your child if her eye’s and brain are miss communicating so severely?

He plays a kick ass sport -- yeah, soccer kicks ass when the players are good and the games actually matter -- he is known in the US and around the world, he’s married to a Barbie doll… I’d say that’s pretty awesome. If I was awesome, I would love to be David Beckham.

 If a girl walks in and sees this, you're getting some.

5. Lebron James - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.125

“The King.” He got that nickname in high school, that and “The Chosen One.” He started drawing comparisons to Michael Jordon in the third grade, I’m sure some loser said it, and he’s actually coming close to backing them up. He is simply a man, and because of that, he is the man. His numbers are a joke! He averages more assists than most point guards, more rebounds than most centers and 29.7 points a game, second in the league.

He does it all with the Swagger of… Well, of Lebron James. No one has ever had more fun playing the game. He dances before games, on the bench, jokes with fans. If he wasn’t so damn good he would be a huge swaggot -- yes, I just created this word, I guarantee you hear someone else say it in less than a month. It’s going to be HUGE…

Swaggot -  |’swag•got| (n.) A person who exhibits cocky, “look at me” behaviors that his skill level, or the game situation, do not warrant: 1.Why is that running back celebrating his one yard touchdown run with his team down 42 points? Hmmmm…maybe because he’s a swaggot? 2. Milton Bradley is a swaggot.

Boy it would be awesome to be Lebron…if he wasn’t dating a 4. Awkward…

You can't see the basket, you can't see the floor. You know it was awesome!

4. Tony Romo - S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 10, WWA - 3, SWAG - 9 = AS - 8.25

WHAT?!? Tony Romo at number four, that’s crazy! He’s not even one of the ten best players in the NFL! Well maybe that’s not what this is about, maybe, just maybe, dude is really effing awesome! Let’s play word association - Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Sophia Bush, Candice Crawford -- Girls I would pay to get with.

 That's...a game changer.

Are you serious?!?! What is awesomeness for, if not for getting hot, famous chicks? Four years ago, he was an Eastern Illinois graduate, i think he graduated, and a third string quarterback in the NFL. Now he’s the starting QB of America’s Team and the hot blonds are lining up. Talk about rags to riches!!! The kicker? He does it all with a smile on his face and a strut in his step. He loves what he does, is great at it, and KNOWS IT! Tony, I would love to be you if I was Awesome!

3. Tiger Woods - S - 6, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 10, SWAG - 8 = AS - 8.5

We’ve all heard too much about how shitty Tiger Wood’s life is recently, let’s look at the positives. He is married to a fox. Elin is smoking hot, she was a model, she still could be. While married to her, he has still been getting with every other decent looking woman he sees. Sounds pretty sweet to me. Whether you believe he shouldn’t have been doing it, he shouldn’t have gotten caught, or everything is peachy. What it has done is really put Tiger Woods on the map in Laos, Bangladesh and Estonia, the three countries with people who didn’t know who he was already. (side note: I believe that he shouldn’t have done it, but if no one knows about it, it’s like it’s not actually happening.)

As much as you hate Tiger, by my grading system, he’s pretty awesome. Golf is a pretty great sport, Tiger is an icon everywhere in the world, his sex life is more than legit, maybe not anymore, but…he’s bigger than his sport and has no one to thank except himself, and maybe Steve Williams and Butch Harmon, but really just himself, and I hate thanking people so that’s a definite plus.

Currently, maybe not that awesome, but if I was awesome a few years ago, or a few years in the future, I’d be Tiger.

 I don't know about current Tiger, but this Tiger... Living the good life.

2. Usain Bolt - S - 10, IS - 8, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 11 = AS - 8.5

Really? A sprinter? That’s not that cool. Wrong. Fastest Man Alive is one of the coolest titles there is along with Best Halo Player and Best Beirut Shot. Can you imagine being Usain Bolt at a high school party that is getting busted by the cops? He would be pulling away from cop cars on foot! That is awesome.

I notice I gave him an 11 for Swag. That’s weird, I thought it was out of 10. It was, and then Usain Bolt changed things in the Olympics, on the biggest stage, by high stepping to a world record in the 100 meter and then showboating before the 200m and smashing Michael Johnson’s unbreakable world record. No one is better at what they do by as much as Usain Bolt. Michael Phelps has a lot of Olympic bling, but he had help from teammates and the luck of that average dude who’s married to Marisa Miller. Phelps wasn’t blowing people away, he was edging them out by hundredths of seconds. Bolt makes other world class sprinters look like they are standing still. He pulls away like no one we’ve ever seen and he flaunts it. He is known all over the world and even though he’s dating a suspect honey…I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt that relationships are more laid back in Jamaica man. It would best super awesome to be Usain "The Bolt" Bolt.

 'nuff said.

Finally, the number one person it would be awesome to be, if I was awesome…

1. Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro -- S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 8, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.875

I just lost a lot of friends, but the numbers don’t lie. Sometimes when people hate you it’s because you suck, other times it’s because they are jealous and want to be you. If you don’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo you better be in the top ten of this list. Sorry to pick on Michael Phelps, but if Michael Phelps doesn’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo, he’s an idiot. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid footballer ever, he must be top 10 in the world looks wise, is only 25, is known everywhere, and every time you see a picture of him there is a beautiful woman on his arm. EVERY FREAKING TIME!

Please tell me what this guy doesn’t have? The love and affection of every single person in the world? Good, I want to be a bad boy. Would you rather be Payton Manning or Tony Romo? Take your Super Bowl ring and close nit family, Payton, I’ll take Candice Crawford. Being awesome is about being awesome, it’s about making people want to be you, not making friends. I’m not picking someone I want to lead my family in prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, that’s a no brainer, it’s Tim Tebow. I’m picking someone who I wouldn’t let my daughter near, who I wouldn’t feel 100% comfortable being friends with, who makes me think that God doesn’t actually spend the same amount of time on all of us. Maybe I’m just a nice guy and I’ll never be awesome, but out on that swing set at four in the morning, swinging way higher than is safe for a grown ass man to swing, thinking about what it would be like and who I would be if I was awesome. I think about Cristiano Ronaldo because simply put, dudes the shit.

Making straight dudes on swing sets everywhere question their sexuality.

If you think anyone was left off this list, I don’t care what you think, because you’re not awesome. You’re not out there every night on that swing set busting your ass to swing higher than ever before. So you don’t get a damn vote!