Yeah He’s a Professional Athlete, But What If He Was A Woman?

 I spend a lot of time thinking... "What if I didn't have this ginormous schlong and instead had a ginormous vagina. That would be different." Well no one cares about my wang, but they do care about professional athlete's wangs. So let's take a look at what some professional athletes would be like without the Y chromosome.

Peyton Manning - Nuclear Physicist -- Large forehead, larger brain…

The Mannings didn’t take kindly to having a girl. The few hours a day Peytonina was allowed out of her under-the-basement-stairs closet bedroom, she was usually beaten, she was most certainly not invited to Old Miss tailgates or Saints games with the rest of her family. That was okay with her, Peytonina was a perfectionist more interested in atomic nuclei than oblong balls. She attended the Princeton University -- she had to take out several massive loans because Archie refused to pay saying that she should have gotten a football scholarship. At Princeton Peytonina had no trouble keeping away the douchey boys, she was incredibly unattractive and they wanted no part of her, luckily she spent most of her time in the comforts of a dark lab. She would go on to greatly contribute to the safe use of nuclear energy in America. Where would nuclear physics be without Peyton.

Derek Jeter - First Female President of the USA -- A natural born leader…

Some of us were just born to lead. Derekina is one of them. At the age of five she was class president of her towns High School! At twelve she was President and CEO of her family’s not-for-profit organization-- Derekina, her sister and her parents all voted, it was unanimous. After graduating from Yale University where she would meet and fall in love with heartthrob Jordan Brewster, Derekina would get into politics. She rose quickly through the ranks and would beat out scarcely know, and never to be known well, Alaskan governor Sarah Palin to be the Republican parties choice for Vice President in the 2008 before winning the Presidential Election in 2016. 

 Palin is a relative unknown in a world with Derekina. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?

Ray Lewis - Yoga Instructor -- One…In…Two…Out…

Rachael Lewis had quite the mean streak as a child. She would just start yelling at random people who would have no idea who she was or what she was talking about, “Oh, I’ve got a fat ass, do I???” “You think my dog’s a slut???” “You think I’m a crazy ho???” Then Rachael would attack, usually leaving the confused KFC patron -- that’s where she worked -- naked on a street corner with three pieces of original recipe chicken. Finally caught and sent to juvie, Rachael was taught to control her rage by using ancient meditation and breathing practices, we call yoga. Today Rachael is one of the most beloved instructors in Baltimore and rarely kills a student.

 You may think you're good, but Rachael could make you great...or kill you in a moment of rage.

Apolo Anton Ohno - Ballet Dancer -- She move, she move like a breeze…

Have you ever taken a minute just to watch ballet? I haven’t either, but had we, we might have said to ourselves, that’s pretty darn neat. That’s what Polly Anton Ohno thought, so she decided to give it a try. Turns out she had some wicked quick feet and looked hella baller in a tight spandex suit. You may have seen her in Les Sylphide or Swan Lake, but odd are you didn’t, because you’re not cultured like French people.

 This is Apolo. Take away the Gotee... Polly.

Alex Rodriguez - Model Gone Montag -- Natural talent not enough…

Alexa Rodriguez was a beautiful, skinny swimsuit model who wanted more. See…when Alexa looked in the mirror she didn’t see the same beautiful girl that everyone else saw-- think Heidi Montage only Alexa was actually good looking. So Alexa went under the knife getting lots of surgeries that I will now list for you --  eyelid reduction, nose revision, nipple raisers, fat injections in forehead and ass, lower back augmentation, chin roundification, neck liposuction. With all of the enhancements Alexa was considered somewhat of a cheater and ultimately she was resigned to stripping in a Hooters in Southern Florida…she has six children with seven different fathers.

Picture this, but hotter. That's what we're missing out on.

Roger Federer - Stay At Home Mother -- Roger always had dinner on the table at seven…

Not an overly attractive woman, Robin Federer had to do the little things to get a man. She cooks like Julia Childs, makes babies like Kate Gosselin -- I know, let’s not get into semantics -- raises children like Marry Poppins and pleasures her man like Lil Kim, and she does it all while making six figures from home. But I must stress again…she’s not very good looking, and thus, even with all of these talents, still had to settle for an overweight, unattractive, lazy husband.

 Sooo...picture him looking like...her.

Cristiano Ronaldo - Smokin’ Hot Tease -- You want it, you want it, you can’t have it…

Christiana Ronaldo is one smoking hot babe with even smokinger body parts. The problem, not that anyone has trouble looking past it -- at her perfect breasts! -- she knows it, and she puts her own pussy on a pedestal the Gods on Mt. Olympus have to strain their necks to look up at. Her favorite game? She lets you pay for an extravagant dinner, lets you pay for Dom at the club, lets you want her more than you want Reese Witherspoon after watching Cruel Intentions, and then she gives you a kiss on the cheek and you never see her again. Bull shit Christiana; We fork out the dough, we get some mo! That ain’t new girl!

 That, but a girl...any takers?

Serena Williams… Wait… Serena is a girl? Awkward…

 Am I missing something here? Or is everyone else?

Albert Pujols - Softball player -- Dude was just born to mash balls…

A thick, ugly Latin American girl, Alberta was made fun of for most of for most of her youth. That’s until she discovered a bat in the shed behind her school. After beating down twenty some odd boys in her class, a teacher threw a cantaloupe at Alberta in an attempt to knock her out. Witnesses claim that Alberta hit the cantaloupe around 450 ft over a small well that the school used for drinking water. A few weeks later Scott Boras had Alberta in the US with a green card. In the years to come she would make Jessica Mendoza look like an attractive, subpar softball player.

Aberta makes Jessica look like a model.

Adam "Pac Man" Jones - Stripper -- Make it rain…

Amy “Ms. Pac Man” Jones always had a love for dark areas, sleezy men and poles. It’s no wonder she became a stripper. There is really not much else to say here…

Warren Sapp - Cave Dweller -- She made Precious look like Hallie Berry…

Three hundred and thirty pound women are rare and not really in demand these days. That is why after not making it onto the Biggest Loser and missing out on a movie role in the movie Precious, Warrina Sapp decided to get away from it all and move into a damp cave in a high mountain. It has been rumored that the book Where the Wild Things Are is loosely based on Warrina and that several Big Foot sightings have actually been a naked Warrina crapping in the woods.

 Warrina?

Lebron James - Receptionist -- Born to be the best…

Even in high school, it was clear to just about everyone that Lebronsha James was “The Chosen One.” She was born to be the greatest…receptionist of all time. Dropping out of high school at the age of fifteen, Lebronsha got a job as a customer service rep at Hewlett Packard and started breaking records! Fastest call resulting in positive feedback -- 2.3 seconds, most consecutive calls answered without break -- 2,094, fastest call back after dropped call, 1.4 seconds, most consecutive calls without a frustrated sigh -- 295,455,342 and counting… Lebronsha put the customer back in customer service and did it making $8.75 an hour. She is already forgotten by those who knew her.

Phil Mickleson - Porn Star -- If you got it, flaunt it…

Sitting at career day at the age of eight, Phyllis Mickleson wanted to be a fire fighter. Her teachers encouraged her with a smile, but they knew that there was only one profession for a second grader with D-cup breasts. Phyllis was going to be a porn star -- and a damn good one she would become. Known in the biz as “Lefty Breasty” for her larger left breast (HH compared to FF), Phyllis brings a friendly smile and a “not afraid to be second best” attitude to your laptop computer. Unfortunately for Phyllis she’s not the clutchest of p-stars and often chokes at the end of scenes. Oh well, she’ll get better with more experience. Let’s remember, she is only eighteen. 

If he was a girl they would be HUGE...R

Looks like these professional athletes would make some pretty special ladies. I don't think I'm alone when I say that I am extremely upset they were born men.

Next Article: Public Restroom Etiquette -- It's never okay to complement their shoes. Never.