If Robots Played Sports

I think we all worry about it. Not every second, but once or twice a minute. It’s going to change everything we thought we knew about sports. People are talking, I’ve heard them. Not just guys either; women, old people, nerds, Asians. It’s on everyone’s mind. What is going to happen when we start making robots that play sports? (Albert Pujols doesn’t count because there‘s no proof except for the fact that he’s way better than any other human.)

This is how it happens in my lucid dream: It starts with one super smart, super unathletic man or woman getting cut from his science lab’s slow pitch softball team because he keeps choking on sun flower seeds while riding the pine. Other players shout, “If you’re going to choke on it, don’t put it in your mouth!” but it will fall on deaf ears because by that point he is already passed out.

A week or so later when he gets released from the hospital -- if you were wondering, he did not have any visitors -- he heads back to his lab on a mission: how can he not be a loser anymore? Unfortunately, he’s already in too deep. The nickname “Baby Dick Bradford” kind of sealed his fate, but he can still make his wrath felt. What group of people makes him feel the worst? Women make him feel unloved and unwanted, but he deserves that; he looks like a Twizzler with a rib cage. Kids make him feel old and unwanted, but they’re just stupid kids, and Asians make him feel unintelligent and unwanted, but their test scores back it up, so there is nothing he can do. Athletes! They are the group that makes him feel the worst. They prance around hitting homeruns and scoring touchdowns, sleeping with supermodels, getting interviewed by Erin Andrews --that was his dream -- and now it’s passed him by. But wait, if he can’t have it, no one should; maybe there’s a way for him to ruin it for everyone. So he grabs a piece of metal, a micro chip and a hammer and in roughly seven minutes he has…a sport playing robot.

You really can't say enough here -- ESPN knows me

So he unveils the robot and everyone is like, “bull shit!” Especially Zack Greinke who says, “ain’t no robot gonna hit my nasty junk ball!” but then the robot does. He takes Greinke deep twice in an exhibition game. Suddenly things just got real. Players still hate Robo-Baller, but managers…they love him. It’s just like getting a Japanese player who doesn’t cause any trouble and can’t talk to any of the other players on your team, except cheaper and more durable. Soon every GM is bidding on Robo-Baller for their team, but athletes are pissed off and don’t want to play with it, it’s a robot! Kevin Garnett is especially agitated and he says, “I don’t want to play with no F@#$ing robots,”but then everyone pauses and is like… “oh snap! Haven’t we seen this before?” BOOM! Jackie Robinson! That’s what the white players said, and how do we feel about that now? Pretty not okay. So the black players are like, “shit! We messed up” and the white players are like “cool” because they are kind of off the hook for that whole ordeal now, but bottom line, the robot gets to play because it’s damn good and deserves to play.

 No one is making that mistake again -- Jackie paved the way for robots

So yeah, first few games the robot takes a lot of shit from the fans because it can’t hit the knuckleball or tackle Chris Johnson -- not that anyone can -- or play in the rain. And yes, Arizona fans chant, “where are your papers?” when he plays there, but he starts to fit in, even excel, and eventually starts to date Kate Hudson because she loves big strong athletes. Team unity is a problem because he refuses to shower with the rest of the team, but fans want more robots!

So robots start to take over sports. There are certain sports they are only decent at -- football, futbol, water polo, swimming, tennis, but other sports they dominate. Have you ever seen one of those pitching machines that can throw knuckleballs, screwballs and one-hundred mph fastballs? Well, they exist, and these robots have them as arms.  Robot pitchers make Steven Strausburg look like Mitch Cohen-- he was the worst pitcher my year in little league…sweet kid, God awful baseball player. Baseball, basketball, sprinting, golf, bowling, bocce ball, robots obviously dominate these sports because they are very mechanical. Moving fast or throwing something a particular way over and over again is what they are so good at.

 Mitch never had that wow factor

Soon robot wages become a huge issue.  They have no need for money, what they want instead are women -- not robot women either, human women. Obviously this sounds great to the managers, women would be much cheaper than money, and since robots have extremely low standards, it should be easy, but it’s not. It’s never easy with XX’s. Women, in classic form, refuse to act as compensation for robot athletic play, and upon hearing this, the robots get extremely mad, kill their unathletic maker, and sign a suicide pact with their robot brethren, and after a beautiful picnic on an overcast day…there are no more robot athletes.

You can look at it one of two ways: it’s yet another thing that women have ruined for men, because robots really were exceptional athletes, or you could argue that by staying true to their core values and valuing themselves as people, women saved sports for humans.

My Take: When will women start thinking about someone other than themselves?

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