If Robots Played Sports

I think we all worry about it. Not every second, but once or twice a minute. It’s going to change everything we thought we knew about sports. People are talking, I’ve heard them. Not just guys either; women, old people, nerds, Asians. It’s on everyone’s mind. What is going to happen when we start making robots that play sports? (Albert Pujols doesn’t count because there‘s no proof except for the fact that he’s way better than any other human.)

This is how it happens in my lucid dream: It starts with one super smart, super unathletic man or woman getting cut from his science lab’s slow pitch softball team because he keeps choking on sun flower seeds while riding the pine. Other players shout, “If you’re going to choke on it, don’t put it in your mouth!” but it will fall on deaf ears because by that point he is already passed out.

A week or so later when he gets released from the hospital -- if you were wondering, he did not have any visitors -- he heads back to his lab on a mission: how can he not be a loser anymore? Unfortunately, he’s already in too deep. The nickname “Baby Dick Bradford” kind of sealed his fate, but he can still make his wrath felt. What group of people makes him feel the worst? Women make him feel unloved and unwanted, but he deserves that; he looks like a Twizzler with a rib cage. Kids make him feel old and unwanted, but they’re just stupid kids, and Asians make him feel unintelligent and unwanted, but their test scores back it up, so there is nothing he can do. Athletes! They are the group that makes him feel the worst. They prance around hitting homeruns and scoring touchdowns, sleeping with supermodels, getting interviewed by Erin Andrews --that was his dream -- and now it’s passed him by. But wait, if he can’t have it, no one should; maybe there’s a way for him to ruin it for everyone. So he grabs a piece of metal, a micro chip and a hammer and in roughly seven minutes he has…a sport playing robot.

You really can't say enough here -- ESPN knows me

So he unveils the robot and everyone is like, “bull shit!” Especially Zack Greinke who says, “ain’t no robot gonna hit my nasty junk ball!” but then the robot does. He takes Greinke deep twice in an exhibition game. Suddenly things just got real. Players still hate Robo-Baller, but managers…they love him. It’s just like getting a Japanese player who doesn’t cause any trouble and can’t talk to any of the other players on your team, except cheaper and more durable. Soon every GM is bidding on Robo-Baller for their team, but athletes are pissed off and don’t want to play with it, it’s a robot! Kevin Garnett is especially agitated and he says, “I don’t want to play with no F@#$ing robots,”but then everyone pauses and is like… “oh snap! Haven’t we seen this before?” BOOM! Jackie Robinson! That’s what the white players said, and how do we feel about that now? Pretty not okay. So the black players are like, “shit! We messed up” and the white players are like “cool” because they are kind of off the hook for that whole ordeal now, but bottom line, the robot gets to play because it’s damn good and deserves to play.

 No one is making that mistake again -- Jackie paved the way for robots

So yeah, first few games the robot takes a lot of shit from the fans because it can’t hit the knuckleball or tackle Chris Johnson -- not that anyone can -- or play in the rain. And yes, Arizona fans chant, “where are your papers?” when he plays there, but he starts to fit in, even excel, and eventually starts to date Kate Hudson because she loves big strong athletes. Team unity is a problem because he refuses to shower with the rest of the team, but fans want more robots!

So robots start to take over sports. There are certain sports they are only decent at -- football, futbol, water polo, swimming, tennis, but other sports they dominate. Have you ever seen one of those pitching machines that can throw knuckleballs, screwballs and one-hundred mph fastballs? Well, they exist, and these robots have them as arms.  Robot pitchers make Steven Strausburg look like Mitch Cohen-- he was the worst pitcher my year in little league…sweet kid, God awful baseball player. Baseball, basketball, sprinting, golf, bowling, bocce ball, robots obviously dominate these sports because they are very mechanical. Moving fast or throwing something a particular way over and over again is what they are so good at.

 Mitch never had that wow factor

Soon robot wages become a huge issue.  They have no need for money, what they want instead are women -- not robot women either, human women. Obviously this sounds great to the managers, women would be much cheaper than money, and since robots have extremely low standards, it should be easy, but it’s not. It’s never easy with XX’s. Women, in classic form, refuse to act as compensation for robot athletic play, and upon hearing this, the robots get extremely mad, kill their unathletic maker, and sign a suicide pact with their robot brethren, and after a beautiful picnic on an overcast day…there are no more robot athletes.

You can look at it one of two ways: it’s yet another thing that women have ruined for men, because robots really were exceptional athletes, or you could argue that by staying true to their core values and valuing themselves as people, women saved sports for humans.

My Take: When will women start thinking about someone other than themselves?

Next Post: What do Woody Page, a crouton and a sock all have in common? -- It’s not the obvious choice.

Ten Sports You Probably Didn’t Know Were Sports Because They Weren’t -- Until Now

Snobby purists like to say that you need “a ball” or “puck” or “disk” and “other players” and “a referee” and “people who care” to consider what you’re doing a sport. They would say, basketball, football, baseball, hockey, soccer, tennis, Ultimate Frisbee: those are sports. I say bull tit! What about NASCAR! That’s considered a crappy sport. Does that mean driving fast is a sport or do you need to be going around a track and wearing a seatbelt? What about running? If I go for a jog am I sporting it up or do I have to be running against other people, on a course, with a number and shortie shorts? No! I’m calling shenanigans here! SHENANIGANS!!!

If you’ve got the fire, the unyielding desire, if you go harder and faster than you thought you could, sweating more than you think you should...then you’re playing a sport all right, and odds are you’re the best at it because you’re the only one playing! It feels good to be the best, doesn’t it?

Here are seven sports you might not have seen on ESPN or ESPN2 or ESPN3 or even ESPNU, but they’re sports all right and you just might see someone playing one of them sooner than you think.

Cow Kicking (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 4/8 = .5)

 

How the Game Is Played: Find a cow -- kick said cow in the face -- acquire as much milk from cow as possible before it knocks you out cold.

"Kick me in the face. Make. My. Day." - Cow

 This isn’t the kind of sport you play after work or without health insurance. This is a sport that requires practice. Unless you’ve trained with calves and deer, you are surely not ready for a full grown cow. There will be hoof to face contact, can you handle that? You will be touching and tugging on a cow’s udder, you comfortable doing that.

Why it is more of a sport than UFC: Can you even fathom the physical and mental wear and tear of milking an enraged cow? Here’s some help: Imagine kicking Brock Lesnar in the face and then trying to wack him off. Seriously, does that sound like fun? Now picture Lesnar five times as large in the shape of a cow who craps whenever and wherever he wants and views you as a large mouse he wants to kill! NOW, give him a large external vagina that you tug on to produce milk. Yeah, that’s a sport and a half. Move over UFC, welcome UCK.

 

Shroomeration (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 3/8 = 3.75)

 

How the Game is Played: Take shrooms -- Play operation.

 This game is messed up enough not on shrooms.

This is a precision game on a hallucinogen. With the voltage cranked up to near deadly levels, removing that femur can be life and death. Can you handle the pressure? Keep your hands from shaking? Pick which of the four arm bones is the real one? Play through the pain? 

Why it’s more of a sport than archery: Archery is a precision sport played with no distractions and no penalties for missing. Here is my question: why do they ever miss the bull’s-eye? That’s all you need to practice, shooting an arrow at a target. If you miss, you don’t get shocked, you’re not on drugs, what is so hard about that? Picture this... You wipe sweat from your brow as you try to focus down the site of your bow. You just took your second hit of shrooms and you’re not really sure which of the four dancing targets you’re supposed to hit. You better make up your mind, because if you’re off by even a quarter inch, the platform below your feet opens and drops you into a giant bee hive. Heart racing? That’s what shroomeration is, that is a sport! 

Running From The Cops (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 10/4 = 2.5)

 

How the Game is Played: Get drunk at a party -- the cops break it up -- run like the wind.

No one said you had to be drinking under-aged. If you run, they will run after you, trust me. That said...it is best to not be eighteen yet...that's all I'm going to say. Just get away and it's all cool.

Using a bike is C-H-E-A-T-I-N-G!

It’s a risk reward sport; the drunker you are, the harder it is to run, or climb, or keep up your stamina, but the less falling hurts and the less sweet victory is. Now a days, it’s not all that cool to run from a party when the cops show up, in high school…it was just what you did. It’s one of my biggest regrets. See I was always that kid who…didn’t have to run because…he was a good talker and…wasn’t at the party…(sigh)

Why it is more of a sport than 100 meter dash: Ummmm…hello? There are people with guns chasing you-- not that they are going to shoot you, but still. You have to jump fences, scale walls, avoid pools, hide… YOU’RE DRUNK! You’re trying look cool for a girl you’re trying to get with, while you try to keep from getting arrested. The footing is constantly changing between pavement, grass, woods, passed out bodies… This is 100x the sport the 100 meter dash is, but I admit Usain Bolt would still be the best. 

 Fast is fast.

Duration Gaming -- Video Games from 1 PM to 5 AM -- 16 Hours (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 8/2 = 4)   

How the Game is Played: Sit down at your gaming console -- play for 16 straight hours. 

 Call me crazy, but I don't think she's gonna make it!

Try doing anything for 12 straight hours, even sleeping, it’s tough. No bathroom breaks, no nourishments, no company, it’s just you and that television…and your eyes are starting to water and it’s only hour ten.

 

Why it’s more of a sport than golf: Try staying awake, keeping your eye-sight in check, holding in your bowl movements. A round of golf takes about five hours. How often do guys play 54 holes in one day? Never, because they couldn’t make it. Duration gaming takes endurance, dedication, you’re competing against more people (online players), it’s tougher on your hands and you don’t have a caddy to help you out.

Beer Pong -- Beirut (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 9/1 = 9 -- varies by shape of partners face)   

How the Game is Played: Toss a ping pong ball across a table -- make it land in a solo cup partially filled with beer -- repeat steps one and two, ten times. 

 You're telling me that's not a sport? Two of those kids died!

A ping pong ball has a diameter of 40mm, two of them fit into a solo cup at the same time. If basketball is a shotgun execution, beer pong is a 200 meter snipe shot. 

Why it’s more of a sport than bowling: Ten pins -- Ten cups. Big heavy ball -- Small light ball. Rolling -- Throwing… That’s where the comparisons end. Bowlers don’t have distractions, no psych-outs, rebuttals, aren’t working on a severe buzz. You want pressure? Try standing next to the girl of your dreams -- the kind of girl who doesn’t like losers -- staring across the table at one last solo cup, looking down at the ball in your hand, seeing two, and knowing that EVERYTHING is on the line.

Drinking while doing anything makes it harder…well, drinking a lot makes everything harder.  Add good looking girls, drunk friends and a ceiling fan… Beer Pong makes bowling look like pocket pool.

Ice Cold Showering -- Full Wash and Shampoo (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 1/5 = .2)   

How the Game is Played: Don’t pay your heating bill -- Need to shower for work -- Man up and do it! 

Ice Cold Showering takes discipline; you need to have a game plan. You can’t just jump into the ice cold water or your heart will give way. You need to put mind above body, work the edges of the shower. There are no sliding shorts in ice cold showering, it’s just you a loofah and the water. 

 I don't know what this is, but it's NOTHING like Ice Cold Showering.

Why it’s more of a sport than figure skating: You’re naked, if you fall there isn’t enough room to not smack your face on something, not only are you cold, you have to touch the cold, you have to soap up and shampoo, there are no judges and no prize… This is a sport that asks the question, how bad to you want that girl at work to think you smell good?

  

Smelly Sauna or The Other Hot Box (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 2/8 = .25)

 

How the Game is Played: On a long drive -- in the middle of August -- roll up the windows -- lock the doors -- lay a wicked fart -- count the seconds until you pass out. 

 Oh, they played...and they lost.

This is not a game for the faint of fart. You control your own destiny. Some only last a few seconds before careening into the guard rail, others battle for hours, reaching their destination and fresh air. 

Why it’s more of a sport than bobsledding: Smelly Sauna takes the willpower to overcome your own shortcomings. You have to watch your diet, be able to hold your breath for long periods of time and not be friends with any members of the opposite-- this is usually a given if you are even considering playing. During smelly sauna you have to steer your car; bobsledding you’re just whipping down a track, it’s incredibly dangerous-- when you pass out, you have no idea where you’ll end up. You can play solo, two-man, four-man, or, with an SUV, up to eight-man! Your prize isn’t an Olympic medal, it’s the ability to breath again, and for the purists, that’s more than enough. 

Not Letting Your Standards Slip Late Night At The Club: (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- -2/(N/A) = undefined)

 

How the game is played: As you throw back drinks at the club -- don’t let you’re “only above 7” standards turn into “anything that moves.” 

 It was late, she's had a few drinks and it just kind of happened...

You get to the club, you ease around and take in the scene, the smoking hot girls are unapproachable, so you head to the bar. A few drinks later, feeling a little more confident, you try to make eye contact, nothing. Some Red Bull and the club now full, you try the inconspicuous walk by, but they ignore you. A few shots and you’re noticing more and more good looking girls, you try the convo start…It’s too loud. Another drink and you start making your way towards the darker corners, these girls look good too…you think. Why hadn’t you noticed them before? A few more drinks, lights go on, you’re batting zero… they all look good now. You look over at your buddies who are already making face. What you gonna do playa? 

Why it’s more of a sport than dodgeball: You lose a game of dodgeball, you walk to the side of the court in shame, but it’s over, no one will care in an hour. You lose a game of Not Letting Your Standards Slip Late Night At The Club, not only does the following morning almost cripple you, facebook proclaims your loss for life! Dodging a ball is easy. Try dodging fifteen less than attractive girls in a dark club when you’ve had four beers, three SoCo and lime shots and two vodka tonics. How can you dodge what you can’t see? In dodgeball, you have teammates who can catch a ball and get you back in the game, or win the game even if you’ve lost. At the club you only have competition and frienemies. If this girl you found has a cute friend, you think your buddy is going to stop you? I don’t. And all of this goes for girls too! This is why I always wear basketball shoes out at night. Life is sport! 

So please, if any of these sports have caught your fancy, be my guest and grab some solo cups, or a cow, or a car to fart in and start playing. If you’re already playing, someone out there knows you’re an athlete, and if you’re playing something else that you consider a sport, keep it up and maybe one day you’re activity will be recognized as a sport.

Next post: One way to pleasure a girl with a Wii Controller.

1-2-3-Dead! -- Sports Edition

So you've just watched three baseball games in a row, but it's a QUADRUPLE HEADER! and your girlfriend won't let you play video games because she just loves the Houston Astros (It's not going to work out, she's a closet lesbo). As the Royals come to bat in the bottom of the first -- it's interleague play -- you're attention starts to wander, you think; “I wonder what the craziest way for that player to die right now is.” That guy - the one fingering his butt crack in center field, what would have to happen for him to be on the ground dead next time I look up from my lightly toasted, chipotle dressed, foot long Italian BMT?

Naturally, you have your random heart failure, seizure, or sniper, but those don’t count-- they could happen to anyone at anytime. Did you know that three porn scarlets a year die of heart failure while on the job? No? That's because I just made it up. Moving on, what I’m talking about are sport related deaths; a fast ball to the temple, falling asleep at the race car wheel, wandering across the field looking for the nearest port-a-john at a javelin meet. I’ve lost far too many close friends at javelin meets…

So here it is, sport by sport, just enough for you to get a nice mental picture, but not enough to make you sad. Remember, sometimes it doesn’t take five seconds, it takes three--

1-2-3-Dead! Sports Edition!

Soccer

A shot is ripped from just outside the box - the goalie dives - head - post - Dead!

- I don’t know how we don’t see this collision more, for the first time ever, I saw a goalie wearing a weird “Natalie Portman from Garden State” helmet the other day. The fear of this happening is why I never played soccer goalie. Most likely you’d just get knocked out or a concussion, but I’ve been told many times that I have a really weak neck.

 If you think that's necessary, maybe you just shouldn't be playing...

or (alternate label)

I know one player who's not getting laid after the game.

Hockey

A fight breaks out, skate comes off - blade - jugular - Dead!

- I have to give Happy credit for this one, after all, he’s the only person to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.

Baseball

Batter swings - bat breaks - fielder goes to field ball - takes shard of bat to the heart - Dead!

- Anyone who watches baseball has seen a few close calls, Teixeira had one the other night and everyone remembers Clemens throwing the bat-shard at Mikey P. This will happen, someone will get stuck in the next five years. Will he take it in the heart? Hopefully not.

 Vampires would run from that chunk of wood!

Basketball

Sweet dish from under the basket - Shaq stuffs - basket comes down…on your face - Dead!

- How has no one ever been seriously injured by baskets falling? These new “snap down” baskets only make it more dangerous! They come down FAST! I don’t want Shaq as my teammate, mainly because he’s horrible, but also for survival reasons. Then again, I’m a pussy.

You want to be standing under there?

*Bonus Basketball*

Clock winds down on NCAA championship - in moment of joy player hurls ball high into the air - walk-on sprints onto the court to celebrate - ball comes right down on his head - Dead!

- I watch for this every time a player throws the ball into the air! Best I’ve ever seen is a cheerleader take the ball in the face on one bounce. She went down hard and was stampeded by the student section charging the court! If Lebron had thrown that ball up and it had come down straight on her head? It would have ended her life.

Football

Quarterback overthrows ball - wide receiver runs through end zone - is impaled by machine - Dead!

- last year I saw a college player badly injured on a play like this. I don’t know what the machine was, it wasn’t a tractor, it might have been some advanced snow plow, whatever it was, if he had tripped - Dead!

Tennis

Both players sprint up to the net for a fierce volley - player one trips as he hits a downward shot, falls over the net - player two bends to hit the ball, racket perpendicular to the ground - player one face plants onto the handle of player two’s racket - chokes - Dead!

- Yeah, this one…don’t hold your breath for it to happen. Your best bet in tennis is realistically someone diving into one of the poles that hold up the net, but that’s so typical, and a ball girl would hopefully save them.

Bowling

Bowler’s bowling shoes were shinned to thoroughly- bowler slips backwards as he throws - fourteen pound ball flies into the air - lands on face - Dead!

- A bowler could slip on loads of things, where there is a fourteen pound ball of fury, there is danger.

 Does it look like this ball is smiling at you? - Dead!

Fencing

Safety tip at end of epee falls off... It’s a sword for heaven’s sake - Dead!

- When someone has a sword…shit usually goes down. Not unlike when "Pac Man" Jones goes to a strip club.

Horse Racing

Jockey falls off horse - other horses don’t care - Dead!

- Calvin Borel wouldn’t fall, but other riders might. It’s why I don’t get on horses, I don’t look out for bugs when I step, horses don’t look out for us.

 What if he was on the other side of that horse? - Dead!

Javelin

Participant sneezes as he launches his javelin - everyone within 50-yards ducks - one dude takes it the javelin in the back of the head - Dead!

- People have allergies, we’ve all seen that video on Kazaa, javelins have impaled people before.

Boxing

Tyson’s right hand - your face - Dead!

- People have died before.

 The people in the background seem to have already moved on with their lives.

Skeet Shooting

Man with rifle is called for a foot fault - turns to referee - Dead!

- You tell a man with a gun he lost. I’ll be the guy slowly backing away.

Skiing

Patch of ice - cliff - Dead!

- I like skiing, but I often stand on the mountain staring past a thin plastic fence at a 200 ft drop and think…that’s not stopping me from dying.

 Let's be honest, that guy died.

Mountain Climbing

You can’t hold on any longer - Dead!

- I’ve tried those climbing walls in gyms, three pegs, that’s how high I can get. Which actually makes me feel safe. My body can handle that fall. Get up a little higher…a lot can go wrong.

You want to play sports anymore? I didn’t think so. Learn how to juggle lawn mowers or some other safe activity.

So You’re Banging An Athlete

I think we can all agree that in high school the hottest girls played sports. It’s a great way to stay in shape, get into the popular clique, get a light natural tan and show off your stems. If you were a guy, dating an athlete was the tits -- unless she played softball -- you were dating one of the most fit, hottest girls at your high school and thus, you were cool. I personally never dated an athlete in high school. I came really close once, but she told me to go for someone a little more “in my league.” I believe her exact words were “humped back whales should date other humped back whales.” I never really understood what that meant...

Now you’re in college. The level of athletic play had gone WAY up. There are WAY more sports that involve little to no actual physical exertion, and most girls have realized that they can just jog or throw up after meals to stay in shape. Now most girls who play sports have “the fire” a term that means she can most likely kick your ass and quite frankly terrifies the shit out of me…but most of the athletes are still hot-- unless they play softball, hockey or basketball (now that basketball has become way more intense, the seriously hot girls have been weeded out and replaced by seriously tall girls). If you are dating an athlete in college, you are most likely still dating a hip, in shape girl, you just have to make sure you don’t piss her off because remember, she has “the fire.” I never got the chance to date an athlete in college either, I guess I was too busy studying…and that fire thing made me nervous. Yeah, that’s probably why…

WE’VE REACHED THE PROS! And for the most part these are the girls who got a little too much testosterone in the womb. The hottest girls have been weeded out and are getting married to the somewhat douchey, or lucky, guys who were able to woo them in college-- or high school in the south. Now we’re left with the best of the best and for the most part they are, for lack of a better word, strongish…

This is one fight with a girl I would not be remotely ashamed to lose.

But, but, there is still something about an athlete, a muscular pair of stems, a tight frame, the fact that they are better than us at sports; there is something about an athlete that makes her hotter than she deserves to be, that keeps her near the top of our hotness charts even though they have no right to be there (some do, but most…no).

Here are eight female athletes that I am proud to say I find super hot, even if they aren’t a model, an 8 or Jessica Alba. There is something about an athlete that just…does it for me. This list isn’t just the hottest athletes. It is a combination of what sport they play, how good they are, and then yes, how good they look playing.

# Not on This List. Anna Rawson

 This is one of the few pictures in the world that makes time slow and you truly think, "have I ever really seen anyone hotter?"

So hot. So freaking hot. Like, whaaaaat! hot. The fact that she even knows what golf is makes her twice as hot, but she’s hotter than she is an athlete. Like Anna Kournikova, while her playing sports makes her hotter, it doesn’t make her hot. That is why she is not on the list. This list is for the ladies who are really only considered hot because they play sports.

No we can actually start...

8. Candice Parker

If you’ve never looked at Candice Parker on the court and said, “she’s actually pretty good looking,” you’ve never watched the Tennessee Lady Volunteers or the WNBA Sparks…probably a good thing. Nevertheless, there is something about this tall, lanky, competitor making a smooth jump hook that gets my blood pumping.

 Sheldon clearly met her when she was in a vulnerable place.

7. Jennie Finch

 Kind of gross right?

How about now...

Sports bro. Sports.

Show me Jennie Finch in a bikini and I will show you someone who is not interested. Show me Jennie Finch toeing a pitching rubber and I’ll show you someone who has tough time keeping his emotions in check. A woman some might refer to as a “thick chick” off the field is a stone cold hottie on it, and when she throws that heater? Forget about it. Any girl who could strike me out and looks like Jennie Finch is a-okay with me.

6. Sue Bird

Ever since her glory days playing UConn basketball, I’ve had a thing for Sue Bird. She really plays the whole, “in no way do I think or know that I’m hot, I give 100% on the court,” thing like an absolute pro. She is hot, is good at basketball and is able to keep a slender build while playing top level sports. Keep doing what you’re doing Sue, because you’re doing it for me.

 Can you call an older woman cute? I'm going to say no.

5. Maria Sharapova

Not the hottest tennis player, Elana Dementieva, Caroline Wozniacki and especially Maria Kirilenko make her look like Seth Green, but Sharapova is the one who becomes hot, really hotter, on the court. When she pumps her fist after an ace, grunts on a backhand shot or sits on the court after losing a tough point she is HOT! Sharapova is sports first, hot second, and I’m just a little bit cool with that.

 She's a tennis player who is hot. Not the other way around.

4. Misty May- Treanor

 Beach Volleyball... Hot.

Everyone has been in a fuss about Misty May for a while now. Misty and her partner Keri Walsh, her on the court partner, have been winning volleyball matches and our hearts for years. News flash, Misty is about a 6 off the court. I’m just going to come out and say it, she’s a little chunk and her face doesn’t exactly make me go “Whee Whooo”-- that’s the whistling sound from that 3OH!3 song. On the court you ask…10! Give that girl some large frame shades, put sand under her feet and have her set a volleyball and I will vote her Miss USA. Ahh what a little athletic ability can do for you.

3. Gretchen Bleiler

Any girl that can cruise down a half pipe at the winter x-games and unleash a double cork is cool with me. Hell, any girl that can snowboard is cool with me, but then take off your helmet and goggles and scarf and look like this!!!

 Other girls don't like Gretchen because she's better than them.

Uhhhhh, yes please. That is a girl you can be proud to show your friends. “Hey guys, this is my girlfriend Gretchen Bleiler. Just thought I’d let you know she’s hotter than your girlfriends, cooler than your girlfriends, tougher than your girlfriends, never has mood swings like your girlfriends…oh, and she’s an absolute freak in bed. Cool, so you guys got some beer and a funnel? It’s kind of her thing.”

2. Dara Torres

Out of the pool, she’s just a mom, driving carpool, doing laundry, telling her kids they can’t watch Family Guy. In the pool, the word MILF doesn’t come close to cutting it.

 What does your mom look like? Ohhh...I guess she doesn't play sports then...

If you look like that and can swim the 50-meter free in 24 flat, you’re a MPICPP - Mom Pussy I’m Comfortable Putting on the Pedestal. Is she serious? She is 43 years old! Quick! If you were drowning in a river 50-meters from your wife, who would you want to be married to? I personally would want it to be Dara.

1. Mia Hamm

 I'm a little more in love with Mia because she was my first sports crush.

Anyone else holding the number one spot on this list would be unjust. Mia Hamm has done more for woman’s sports than anyone else out there including Anna Kournikova and Alison Stokke combined.  There is something about Mia Hamm knocking down another girl or scoring a goal that does it for every guy out there. In no way is she a model, and if I saw her in the supermarket, I definitely wouldn’t double take, but when she’s on that soccer pitch with her eyes focused on the prize…there is no one quite like her.

They might not be models, but they look damn hot playing sports, and think about breeding. You’re kids are going to be thoroughbreds! That is…unless your genes mess it up.

If I Was Awesome…Who Would I be? -- Sports Edition

Sometimes I think about things. Like really think. Like nothing else matters in the world except for me and my thoughts. How do I do it? First, I wait for my parents to fall asleep. They aren’t going to understand my thinking deep thoughts. When I am positive they are asleep, I start a timer and wait for two more hours to be extra certain they have entered rem sleep and are passed the eff out. When my timer rings, I sneak out my window and sprint into the woods behind my house. How do I manage to jump from a second story window each night without hurting myself? Ha! When I was little, I convinced my parents that I needed a fire escape ladder in case there was a fire in the hallway and I couldn’t get out of my room! Where’s the fire now, bitches!

Okay. So I’ve stealthily made my way out of my house and am now sprinting through the woods. I know what you simpletons are probably thinking. Why are you sprinting though the woods, won’t that make noise? OF COURSE IT WILL MAKE NOISE! Obviously, I am sprinting because I don’t want someone to hear me sneaking! If someone hears running in the woods behind their house at one in the morning they will think it’s a bear or a wild boar, not a human, especially at the rabid pace at which I am moving!

So I finally get to John Williamson Elementary about a three hour sprint from my house-- I actually think it might be in the next state over, but I have not confirmed this. While there are closer parks to my house, they all have far less cool playground equipment. At this time at night I have the entire park all to myself, aside from a homeless man who usually tries to force intercourse on me, before passing out drunk. Now fully alone, I sit down on one of the small swings, lean back, and start to sway. Soon I am really making that lightweight child’s swing set sweat-- try saying that five times while on shrooms. I’m getting some serious air that Napoleon Dynamite himself would be proud of because I’m remembering my fundamentals.  I make sure to tuck my legs on backward swings and extend them straight in front of me on forward swings. It’s pretty damn awesome.

Anyway, when I start really getting high, I close one eye, stare up into the starlit sky with the other, and I think about what it would be like if I had my closed eye open, and my open eye closed. This takes me to a deep, deep, deep deep place where I can then ask myself the real question: “What if I was awesome? -- Sports Edition.”

Sometimes it’s cool to not be awesome, but it’s always awesome to be awesome, and who is more awesome than a professional athlete? No one! Not even you Barak Obama. I know you’re reading this! Stupid White Sox cap at the Nationals game! NOT AWESOME! SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!

So here are the eight athletes I would be if I was awesome, in order of how awesome it would be.

The Awesomeness Scale, or AS to those in the know, is a combination of eight factors:

Sport (S) - What sport do you play? How awesome is that sport?

Icon Status (IS) - Are you an icon? How many people I talk to each day know you’re awesome?

Sex Life x2 (SL) - Are you making use of your awesomeness?

World Wide Appeal (WWA) - If I say your name in Somalia will someone say, “dude is awesome!”?

Swagger x3 (SWAG) - Do you let everyone know that you are awesome? Do you make them mad? Do you make them try harder, even try to cheat…and then still beat them?

People who aren’t awesome can’t have swagger, when they try it is called being lame or being a douche. If you are awesome, you need to let your two big swaggernuts hang low! That is what being awesome is really truly about.

Awesome Consolation List -- Sports Edition

For making the consolation list an athlete gets the knowledge that he was considered, his AS, and one line to explain why he isn’t as cool as I, or he, previously thought he was. For those who didn’t make the list, look in the mirror, how is you making out for you? My guess is not all that well.

29. Georges St. Pierre - S - 5, IS - 4, SL - 3, WWA - 6, SWAG - 3 = AS - 3.75

- That Under Armour suit he wears in that commercial makes me uncomfortable.

28. Ichiro - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 2, WWA - 7, SWAG - 2 = AS - 4.375

- Maybe it’s the language barrier or could it be the fact that his wife is a two…

27. Roger Federer - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 1, WWA - 9, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.625

- She looks like a really…nice woman… I’m sure she’s nice…Yeah… nice...

26. Michael Phelps - S - 4, IS - 10, SL - 6, WWA - 8, SWAG - 4 = AS - 5.75

- If he sat next to me on the bus, I might move, nay, I would move.

 This suit also makes me more than a little bit uncomfortable.

25. Brock Lesnar - S - 5, IS - 5, SL - 5, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 5.75

- I wouldn’t climb into a ring or a bed with him. Would you?

24. Lance Armstrong - S - 3, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 10, SWAG - 5 = AS - 5.75

- It’s not not the testicle things… not not…

23. Manny Pacquiao - S - 10, IS - 6, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.875

- You are awesome. Just in a different way…

22. Tim Lincecum - S - 10 (pitcher), IS - 7, SL - 4, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.375

- Spends a little too much time hanging out with his dad. I love my dad but... Hot chicks Timmy!

21. Laird Hamilton - S - 10, IS - 3, SL - 4, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 6.5

- Could-- Should be so much higher, but the numbers do the talking.

Hey, he got a 10 for sport!

20. Sidney Crosby - S - 5, IS - 7, SL - 7, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 6.5

- For a cool guy, very punchable.

19. Dwight Howard - S - 8, IS - 7, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.5

- He wants on this list way too bad.

18. Steve Nash - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.625

- Love this guy, but as cool guys go. He’s in the middle of the pack.

17. Adrian Peterson - S - 9, IS - 6, SL - 6, WWA - 4, SWAG - 8 = AS - 6.875

- Some people still don’t know who “All Day” AP is. I know you AP, I know you.

16. Alex Ovechkin - S - 5, IS - 6, SL - 4, WWA - 7, SWAG - 10 = AS - 7

- Unreal to watch, too bad it’s hockey. Also, he met one of his girl friend’s online. WHA?!

15. Dwyane Wade - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 7, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.125

- My favorite basketball player, but too nice of a guy. Get back up Dwyane, get back up!

14. Albert Pujols - S - 9, IS - 8, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.125

- Have you seen his wife… Ahh… Albert? News Flash! Girls want to tell other girls that you were inside of them!

13. Rafael Nadal - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.25

- Doesn’t have enough “in your face” game.

 I'm not greedy. I'd take Nadal in my awesome fantasy-life draft.

12. Evan Longoria - S - 9, IS - 5, SL - 7, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.375

- Do you mean Eva Longoria? That’s what my girlfriend said… Well, if I had one, she might have said something like that.

11. Kobe Bryant - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.5

- Does something about Kobe annoy you? You’re not alone.

Did anyone else like Kobe more when he had hair?

The Awesome Ten -- If I was awesome. These are the top ten people I would be! -- Sports Edition.

10. Tom Brady - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 7, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.75

Tom just does his thing. Easy, breezy, beautiful, Tom Brady. As far as sports go, it doesn’t get much better than football. As far as football positions go, it doesn’t get much better than quarterback. As far as quarterbacks go, it doesn’t get much better than three Super Bowl rings. As far as girlfriends go, it doesn’t get much better than Gisele. When I think “baller,” I think skills, grace, looks…I think Tom Brady. You can’t question Tom at number 10, he’s just awesome.

  If tapping that every night doesn’t get you into the top ten, there shouldn’t be a top 10

9. Alex Rodriguez - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 7, WWA - 9, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.875

A Rod has A LOT of short comings. Fortunately for him, they weren’t what I was judging awesomeness on. A Rod has been a household name for more than a decade because… oh yeah, he’s built like Achilles, he’s the highest paid player in baseball, check-it, sports, he plays for the New York Yankees -- finally getting the fans off his back for good last season winning the playoff MVP award -- he was hooking up with Kate Hudson and (cough) Madonna (she’s an icon people, please), and lets not forget he’s best buds with The Captain (maybe a slight exaggeration).

 Okay, ARod, okay... Well, maybe not okay.

He may have cheated baseball, but he definitely didn’t cheat his way onto this list. A Rod is about as awesome as they come.

8. Lionel Messi - S - 9, IS - 4, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.875

Eleven goals in 5 games - gets - your - dick - wet! Like soaking wet! Like Wilt Chamberlain in Jenna Haze in a Hurricane wet. That is ridiculous. You could argue that it is a more impressive feat than hitting 11 homeruns in five games. You’d be wrong, but you could argue it.

Soccer is a world wide sport. People love the other football in every country except the good ‘ole USA. Messi is arguably the best footballer in the world. Therefore he is arguable the best athlete in the world. See how I did that? How would it feel to be the best athlete in the world at 22? Pretty awesome I’d guess, and it would be awesome to feel awesome. Also, he has a model for a girlfriend, and although I am anti-girlfriend, if you have to have one, she might as well be a model and she might as well look like this…

 Uhhh... Yes, please.

7. Derek Jeter - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 7.875

The - Captain. He is the face of the greatest sports team in the US, the New York Yankees. I don’t care where you are from, including New England, you can’t honestly try and argue this. Yeah, in LA they think it’s the Lakers, in Dallas, the Cowboys, in Boston, the Red Sox, or the Patriots, or the Celtics, or BC, or anyone else but the Yankees. Everywhere else, it’s the Yankees. Derek Jeter has won five World Series titles and like a champion has managed to stay unmarried the entire time. His girlfriend list looks like the casting call for an Ocean’s movie: Mariah Carey, Former Miss Universe Lara Dutta (she’s probably not that hot though…right?), Joy Enriquez, Jordana Brewster, Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba. Why would any sports star ever get married!!! Jeter isn’t even good looking!!! (Derek, if you’re reading this I am so sorry I just said that!)

 He's no 10, that's for sure.

If Jeter would ever just swing his thick three foot schlong over his shoulder and strut around the field to accrue some better SWAG points, he’d be #1 on this list, but he won’t, and that’s part of why he’s so awesome. It just keeps him from being…the awesome-est.

6. David Beckham - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 10, SWAG - 7 = AS - 8.125

Love him or hate him, David Beckham is kind of awesome. We, America, might hate him, but he did put the MLS on the map for about 7 minutes -- Hey, Landon Donovan and Freddy Adu couldn’t do it -- What the hell happened to that dude, Freddy Adu? Wasn’t he supposed to be the next Pele? There’s still time… -- Beckham’s wife, an evil word to awesomeness, Victoria Beck, is smoking fine! Smoking hot and fine as hell at the same time. David Beckham’s abs make me want to get in shape. I stress want to. If you’re driving around with your wife and you see a billboard of David Beckham, and she doesn’t think he’s good looking. Pull over and drop her the eff off, because she is one wack ass bitch! How can you trust her to raise your child if her eye’s and brain are miss communicating so severely?

He plays a kick ass sport -- yeah, soccer kicks ass when the players are good and the games actually matter -- he is known in the US and around the world, he’s married to a Barbie doll… I’d say that’s pretty awesome. If I was awesome, I would love to be David Beckham.

 If a girl walks in and sees this, you're getting some.

5. Lebron James - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.125

“The King.” He got that nickname in high school, that and “The Chosen One.” He started drawing comparisons to Michael Jordon in the third grade, I’m sure some loser said it, and he’s actually coming close to backing them up. He is simply a man, and because of that, he is the man. His numbers are a joke! He averages more assists than most point guards, more rebounds than most centers and 29.7 points a game, second in the league.

He does it all with the Swagger of… Well, of Lebron James. No one has ever had more fun playing the game. He dances before games, on the bench, jokes with fans. If he wasn’t so damn good he would be a huge swaggot -- yes, I just created this word, I guarantee you hear someone else say it in less than a month. It’s going to be HUGE…

Swaggot -  |’swag•got| (n.) A person who exhibits cocky, “look at me” behaviors that his skill level, or the game situation, do not warrant: 1.Why is that running back celebrating his one yard touchdown run with his team down 42 points? Hmmmm…maybe because he’s a swaggot? 2. Milton Bradley is a swaggot.

Boy it would be awesome to be Lebron…if he wasn’t dating a 4. Awkward…

You can't see the basket, you can't see the floor. You know it was awesome!

4. Tony Romo - S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 10, WWA - 3, SWAG - 9 = AS - 8.25

WHAT?!? Tony Romo at number four, that’s crazy! He’s not even one of the ten best players in the NFL! Well maybe that’s not what this is about, maybe, just maybe, dude is really effing awesome! Let’s play word association - Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Sophia Bush, Candice Crawford -- Girls I would pay to get with.

 That's...a game changer.

Are you serious?!?! What is awesomeness for, if not for getting hot, famous chicks? Four years ago, he was an Eastern Illinois graduate, i think he graduated, and a third string quarterback in the NFL. Now he’s the starting QB of America’s Team and the hot blonds are lining up. Talk about rags to riches!!! The kicker? He does it all with a smile on his face and a strut in his step. He loves what he does, is great at it, and KNOWS IT! Tony, I would love to be you if I was Awesome!

3. Tiger Woods - S - 6, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 10, SWAG - 8 = AS - 8.5

We’ve all heard too much about how shitty Tiger Wood’s life is recently, let’s look at the positives. He is married to a fox. Elin is smoking hot, she was a model, she still could be. While married to her, he has still been getting with every other decent looking woman he sees. Sounds pretty sweet to me. Whether you believe he shouldn’t have been doing it, he shouldn’t have gotten caught, or everything is peachy. What it has done is really put Tiger Woods on the map in Laos, Bangladesh and Estonia, the three countries with people who didn’t know who he was already. (side note: I believe that he shouldn’t have done it, but if no one knows about it, it’s like it’s not actually happening.)

As much as you hate Tiger, by my grading system, he’s pretty awesome. Golf is a pretty great sport, Tiger is an icon everywhere in the world, his sex life is more than legit, maybe not anymore, but…he’s bigger than his sport and has no one to thank except himself, and maybe Steve Williams and Butch Harmon, but really just himself, and I hate thanking people so that’s a definite plus.

Currently, maybe not that awesome, but if I was awesome a few years ago, or a few years in the future, I’d be Tiger.

 I don't know about current Tiger, but this Tiger... Living the good life.

2. Usain Bolt - S - 10, IS - 8, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 11 = AS - 8.5

Really? A sprinter? That’s not that cool. Wrong. Fastest Man Alive is one of the coolest titles there is along with Best Halo Player and Best Beirut Shot. Can you imagine being Usain Bolt at a high school party that is getting busted by the cops? He would be pulling away from cop cars on foot! That is awesome.

I notice I gave him an 11 for Swag. That’s weird, I thought it was out of 10. It was, and then Usain Bolt changed things in the Olympics, on the biggest stage, by high stepping to a world record in the 100 meter and then showboating before the 200m and smashing Michael Johnson’s unbreakable world record. No one is better at what they do by as much as Usain Bolt. Michael Phelps has a lot of Olympic bling, but he had help from teammates and the luck of that average dude who’s married to Marisa Miller. Phelps wasn’t blowing people away, he was edging them out by hundredths of seconds. Bolt makes other world class sprinters look like they are standing still. He pulls away like no one we’ve ever seen and he flaunts it. He is known all over the world and even though he’s dating a suspect honey…I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt that relationships are more laid back in Jamaica man. It would best super awesome to be Usain "The Bolt" Bolt.

 'nuff said.

Finally, the number one person it would be awesome to be, if I was awesome…

1. Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro -- S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 8, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.875

I just lost a lot of friends, but the numbers don’t lie. Sometimes when people hate you it’s because you suck, other times it’s because they are jealous and want to be you. If you don’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo you better be in the top ten of this list. Sorry to pick on Michael Phelps, but if Michael Phelps doesn’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo, he’s an idiot. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid footballer ever, he must be top 10 in the world looks wise, is only 25, is known everywhere, and every time you see a picture of him there is a beautiful woman on his arm. EVERY FREAKING TIME!

Please tell me what this guy doesn’t have? The love and affection of every single person in the world? Good, I want to be a bad boy. Would you rather be Payton Manning or Tony Romo? Take your Super Bowl ring and close nit family, Payton, I’ll take Candice Crawford. Being awesome is about being awesome, it’s about making people want to be you, not making friends. I’m not picking someone I want to lead my family in prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, that’s a no brainer, it’s Tim Tebow. I’m picking someone who I wouldn’t let my daughter near, who I wouldn’t feel 100% comfortable being friends with, who makes me think that God doesn’t actually spend the same amount of time on all of us. Maybe I’m just a nice guy and I’ll never be awesome, but out on that swing set at four in the morning, swinging way higher than is safe for a grown ass man to swing, thinking about what it would be like and who I would be if I was awesome. I think about Cristiano Ronaldo because simply put, dudes the shit.

Making straight dudes on swing sets everywhere question their sexuality.

If you think anyone was left off this list, I don’t care what you think, because you’re not awesome. You’re not out there every night on that swing set busting your ass to swing higher than ever before. So you don’t get a damn vote!