Is This As Good As It Gets?

Some nights -- usually Sundays and Wednesdays -- I take off all of my clothes, stand in front of the mirror and think, maybe this is as good as it gets. It’s at precisely this moment, unless I’m wasted or high, I remember, with the help of the mirror, that I’m overweight, pale, balding, and haven’t had sex since 1992 and if this is as good as it gets, FML, I’m taking an off road trip to the golden gate bridge.

What I’ve learned through my field research is that other people actually lead good, fulfilling lives. I would go so far as to say that some people actually like their lives. They would stand in front of the mirror naked, a gorgeous blonde on the bowl behind them and think, man, I’m the man. This is about those people. The people who are at the tipity-top, everyone loves them, hot girls and hot guys want to be slayed by them, they defecate mint chocolate chip ice cream, and they have more than just their parents following them on twitter, millions more. Things couldn’t be better, but a word of caution for this tale. When things are as good as they get, there is no where to go but down.

The following people should be advised to enjoy the mint chocolate ice cream while it’s flowing, because the way I see it, it won’t be for much longer.

Amar’e

 This might be Brian Scalabrine if he played with Steve Nash

The poster child for what Steve Nash can do for your basketball career, and the really sad thing is, I don’t think he knows it. Almost all of his baskets are wide open jump shots or even better, dunks, served up perfectly by Nash. When he moves on this off season and doesn’t have one of the best PG’s in the league, his numbers will take a huge hit.

Ubaldo Jimenez

 1.16? That's like hitting .460.

12-1, 1.16 ERA (was under one a week ago), .97 WHIP, 84 strikeouts, and a .180 BAA. 96 MPH cheese and a wicked breaking ball still shouldn’t equal these untouchable numbers. The bloop singles are being caught, the hard ground balls turned into double plays and the few line drives snatched out of the year. I don’t care how good Ubaldo is, he will not have an ERA under 2.0. A WHIP that close to an ERA is a sure sign that luck is on Ubaldo’s side, but for how long?

Ke$ha

 Tik Tok...Tik Tok

A one hit wonder in an age where it’s impossible. TiK ToK was an alright song to listen to on the radio. I maybe even sang along once or twenty times, but her new songs, not good. Just really not great, and they would not have been on the radio ten years ago. Bottom line, enjoy this CD, odds are it’s her last.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 What a motley crew

Show is unreal funny, but can they really keep it up? All shows lose some of their luster after the first few seasons. Will Charlie’s crazy antics get old? Will we stop finding Dee somewhat attractive? Will Frank lose weight and his appeal. Will Mac and Dennis stop doing…what they do to make them funny? Actually…probably not, but all shows lose some edge after a while so enjoy it while you can.

The Padres

 

 The best record in the National League with the second lowest payroll in the entire league-- their payroll is $37,799,300, let’s choose a random team…the Yankees is $206,333, 389. They have a team ERA under 3, nearly a run better than let’s say…the Yankees’ 3.82 ERA and the Padre’s entire team makes almost half of what the Yankees five starters make - $24,000,000 + $16,500,000 + $11,500,000 + $11,750,000 + $447,000 = $64,197,000.

With such a young team, an over performing pitching staff and no stars besides A Gon… Padres fans should get to the park sooner than later.

And the winner is…

LeBron James

What if I told you that in five years LeBron James was going to be a role player on a below .500 D-League team? You’d probably assume that I was severely mentally handicapped and politely excuse yourself from the conversation, and you’d be right to do so. That’s not even close to what I’m saying here. I’m simply positing the possibility that this might be the summit of LeBron’s life. There, someone finally said it.

 LeBron takes out his pec to let you know he's better than you

LeBronLeBron. Maybe too good?

LeBron has never won an NBA title. He has only been to the finals once and was swept 4-0. He is about to sign a max contract and lock himself into a franchise for the best playing years of his career, if he makes the wrong decision…

If LeBron doesn’t win a championship it will be a disastrous career. When you’re as talented as he is, it’s not about your team, it’s about you. Even if he only wins one title he can’t be mentioned with the names he is now, Jordan, Kobe, Wilt, Shaq, Bird Russell, as an all time great. So the pressure continues to grow and grow until it reaches an A Rod type state and nothing matters except from the playoffs. A one seed and an MVP only adds to the choking in the playoffs, and soon it’s the only thing LeBron can think about.

So…live it up LeBron, because things are going to get worse, they just kind of have to.

I hope this is a word to the wise for all you high school quarterback captains, prom queens, fraternity presidents and hot moms with the impossibly tight bodies, the end is near. It might not come tomorrow, or the next day, but it will come. It might not be in the form of a 6-2 sophomore with a rocket arm, or a horrific scarring case of chicken pox, or a wicked awesome party where some bros are caught doing some BTH -- black tar heroine -- in the back room and rat you out, or a baby that makes your vagina look like a creature from Zelda Ocarina of Time, but it will come. Be ready, and keep your head help low, for you my friend will be average again. 

If Robots Played Sports

I think we all worry about it. Not every second, but once or twice a minute. It’s going to change everything we thought we knew about sports. People are talking, I’ve heard them. Not just guys either; women, old people, nerds, Asians. It’s on everyone’s mind. What is going to happen when we start making robots that play sports? (Albert Pujols doesn’t count because there‘s no proof except for the fact that he’s way better than any other human.)

This is how it happens in my lucid dream: It starts with one super smart, super unathletic man or woman getting cut from his science lab’s slow pitch softball team because he keeps choking on sun flower seeds while riding the pine. Other players shout, “If you’re going to choke on it, don’t put it in your mouth!” but it will fall on deaf ears because by that point he is already passed out.

A week or so later when he gets released from the hospital -- if you were wondering, he did not have any visitors -- he heads back to his lab on a mission: how can he not be a loser anymore? Unfortunately, he’s already in too deep. The nickname “Baby Dick Bradford” kind of sealed his fate, but he can still make his wrath felt. What group of people makes him feel the worst? Women make him feel unloved and unwanted, but he deserves that; he looks like a Twizzler with a rib cage. Kids make him feel old and unwanted, but they’re just stupid kids, and Asians make him feel unintelligent and unwanted, but their test scores back it up, so there is nothing he can do. Athletes! They are the group that makes him feel the worst. They prance around hitting homeruns and scoring touchdowns, sleeping with supermodels, getting interviewed by Erin Andrews --that was his dream -- and now it’s passed him by. But wait, if he can’t have it, no one should; maybe there’s a way for him to ruin it for everyone. So he grabs a piece of metal, a micro chip and a hammer and in roughly seven minutes he has…a sport playing robot.

You really can't say enough here -- ESPN knows me

So he unveils the robot and everyone is like, “bull shit!” Especially Zack Greinke who says, “ain’t no robot gonna hit my nasty junk ball!” but then the robot does. He takes Greinke deep twice in an exhibition game. Suddenly things just got real. Players still hate Robo-Baller, but managers…they love him. It’s just like getting a Japanese player who doesn’t cause any trouble and can’t talk to any of the other players on your team, except cheaper and more durable. Soon every GM is bidding on Robo-Baller for their team, but athletes are pissed off and don’t want to play with it, it’s a robot! Kevin Garnett is especially agitated and he says, “I don’t want to play with no F@#$ing robots,”but then everyone pauses and is like… “oh snap! Haven’t we seen this before?” BOOM! Jackie Robinson! That’s what the white players said, and how do we feel about that now? Pretty not okay. So the black players are like, “shit! We messed up” and the white players are like “cool” because they are kind of off the hook for that whole ordeal now, but bottom line, the robot gets to play because it’s damn good and deserves to play.

 No one is making that mistake again -- Jackie paved the way for robots

So yeah, first few games the robot takes a lot of shit from the fans because it can’t hit the knuckleball or tackle Chris Johnson -- not that anyone can -- or play in the rain. And yes, Arizona fans chant, “where are your papers?” when he plays there, but he starts to fit in, even excel, and eventually starts to date Kate Hudson because she loves big strong athletes. Team unity is a problem because he refuses to shower with the rest of the team, but fans want more robots!

So robots start to take over sports. There are certain sports they are only decent at -- football, futbol, water polo, swimming, tennis, but other sports they dominate. Have you ever seen one of those pitching machines that can throw knuckleballs, screwballs and one-hundred mph fastballs? Well, they exist, and these robots have them as arms.  Robot pitchers make Steven Strausburg look like Mitch Cohen-- he was the worst pitcher my year in little league…sweet kid, God awful baseball player. Baseball, basketball, sprinting, golf, bowling, bocce ball, robots obviously dominate these sports because they are very mechanical. Moving fast or throwing something a particular way over and over again is what they are so good at.

 Mitch never had that wow factor

Soon robot wages become a huge issue.  They have no need for money, what they want instead are women -- not robot women either, human women. Obviously this sounds great to the managers, women would be much cheaper than money, and since robots have extremely low standards, it should be easy, but it’s not. It’s never easy with XX’s. Women, in classic form, refuse to act as compensation for robot athletic play, and upon hearing this, the robots get extremely mad, kill their unathletic maker, and sign a suicide pact with their robot brethren, and after a beautiful picnic on an overcast day…there are no more robot athletes.

You can look at it one of two ways: it’s yet another thing that women have ruined for men, because robots really were exceptional athletes, or you could argue that by staying true to their core values and valuing themselves as people, women saved sports for humans.

My Take: When will women start thinking about someone other than themselves?

Next Post: What do Woody Page, a crouton and a sock all have in common? -- It’s not the obvious choice.

1-2-3-Dead! -- Sports Edition

So you've just watched three baseball games in a row, but it's a QUADRUPLE HEADER! and your girlfriend won't let you play video games because she just loves the Houston Astros (It's not going to work out, she's a closet lesbo). As the Royals come to bat in the bottom of the first -- it's interleague play -- you're attention starts to wander, you think; “I wonder what the craziest way for that player to die right now is.” That guy - the one fingering his butt crack in center field, what would have to happen for him to be on the ground dead next time I look up from my lightly toasted, chipotle dressed, foot long Italian BMT?

Naturally, you have your random heart failure, seizure, or sniper, but those don’t count-- they could happen to anyone at anytime. Did you know that three porn scarlets a year die of heart failure while on the job? No? That's because I just made it up. Moving on, what I’m talking about are sport related deaths; a fast ball to the temple, falling asleep at the race car wheel, wandering across the field looking for the nearest port-a-john at a javelin meet. I’ve lost far too many close friends at javelin meets…

So here it is, sport by sport, just enough for you to get a nice mental picture, but not enough to make you sad. Remember, sometimes it doesn’t take five seconds, it takes three--

1-2-3-Dead! Sports Edition!

Soccer

A shot is ripped from just outside the box - the goalie dives - head - post - Dead!

- I don’t know how we don’t see this collision more, for the first time ever, I saw a goalie wearing a weird “Natalie Portman from Garden State” helmet the other day. The fear of this happening is why I never played soccer goalie. Most likely you’d just get knocked out or a concussion, but I’ve been told many times that I have a really weak neck.

 If you think that's necessary, maybe you just shouldn't be playing...

or (alternate label)

I know one player who's not getting laid after the game.

Hockey

A fight breaks out, skate comes off - blade - jugular - Dead!

- I have to give Happy credit for this one, after all, he’s the only person to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.

Baseball

Batter swings - bat breaks - fielder goes to field ball - takes shard of bat to the heart - Dead!

- Anyone who watches baseball has seen a few close calls, Teixeira had one the other night and everyone remembers Clemens throwing the bat-shard at Mikey P. This will happen, someone will get stuck in the next five years. Will he take it in the heart? Hopefully not.

 Vampires would run from that chunk of wood!

Basketball

Sweet dish from under the basket - Shaq stuffs - basket comes down…on your face - Dead!

- How has no one ever been seriously injured by baskets falling? These new “snap down” baskets only make it more dangerous! They come down FAST! I don’t want Shaq as my teammate, mainly because he’s horrible, but also for survival reasons. Then again, I’m a pussy.

You want to be standing under there?

*Bonus Basketball*

Clock winds down on NCAA championship - in moment of joy player hurls ball high into the air - walk-on sprints onto the court to celebrate - ball comes right down on his head - Dead!

- I watch for this every time a player throws the ball into the air! Best I’ve ever seen is a cheerleader take the ball in the face on one bounce. She went down hard and was stampeded by the student section charging the court! If Lebron had thrown that ball up and it had come down straight on her head? It would have ended her life.

Football

Quarterback overthrows ball - wide receiver runs through end zone - is impaled by machine - Dead!

- last year I saw a college player badly injured on a play like this. I don’t know what the machine was, it wasn’t a tractor, it might have been some advanced snow plow, whatever it was, if he had tripped - Dead!

Tennis

Both players sprint up to the net for a fierce volley - player one trips as he hits a downward shot, falls over the net - player two bends to hit the ball, racket perpendicular to the ground - player one face plants onto the handle of player two’s racket - chokes - Dead!

- Yeah, this one…don’t hold your breath for it to happen. Your best bet in tennis is realistically someone diving into one of the poles that hold up the net, but that’s so typical, and a ball girl would hopefully save them.

Bowling

Bowler’s bowling shoes were shinned to thoroughly- bowler slips backwards as he throws - fourteen pound ball flies into the air - lands on face - Dead!

- A bowler could slip on loads of things, where there is a fourteen pound ball of fury, there is danger.

 Does it look like this ball is smiling at you? - Dead!

Fencing

Safety tip at end of epee falls off... It’s a sword for heaven’s sake - Dead!

- When someone has a sword…shit usually goes down. Not unlike when "Pac Man" Jones goes to a strip club.

Horse Racing

Jockey falls off horse - other horses don’t care - Dead!

- Calvin Borel wouldn’t fall, but other riders might. It’s why I don’t get on horses, I don’t look out for bugs when I step, horses don’t look out for us.

 What if he was on the other side of that horse? - Dead!

Javelin

Participant sneezes as he launches his javelin - everyone within 50-yards ducks - one dude takes it the javelin in the back of the head - Dead!

- People have allergies, we’ve all seen that video on Kazaa, javelins have impaled people before.

Boxing

Tyson’s right hand - your face - Dead!

- People have died before.

 The people in the background seem to have already moved on with their lives.

Skeet Shooting

Man with rifle is called for a foot fault - turns to referee - Dead!

- You tell a man with a gun he lost. I’ll be the guy slowly backing away.

Skiing

Patch of ice - cliff - Dead!

- I like skiing, but I often stand on the mountain staring past a thin plastic fence at a 200 ft drop and think…that’s not stopping me from dying.

 Let's be honest, that guy died.

Mountain Climbing

You can’t hold on any longer - Dead!

- I’ve tried those climbing walls in gyms, three pegs, that’s how high I can get. Which actually makes me feel safe. My body can handle that fall. Get up a little higher…a lot can go wrong.

You want to play sports anymore? I didn’t think so. Learn how to juggle lawn mowers or some other safe activity.

Sport that kill...YOU

Watching the honorary starters tee off at this year’s Masters, I began to think, not about the unbelievable history of the Masters, or of the remarkable legacies that Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer have left on the game of golf. What I began to visualize was a screaming duck hook piercing into the crowd, striking a small child in the head, knocking him off his father’s shoulders and nearby patrons crowding around his lifeless body like it was an errant Tiger Wood’s tee shot. Thankfully, it didn’t happen and realistically, with Nicklaus and Palmer being only 70 and 80 respectively, it wasn’t going to. Nonetheless, in past years Sam Sneed has teed it up at 89, Byron Nelson swung away at 89 and, bless his soul, Gene Sarazen somehow managed an attempt each year until he was 97! I’m not saying those balls are exactly firing off the club face, but placed directly into a child’s temple…it could do some serious damage. Please don’t tell me that they were professional golfers. A 97 YEAR OLD MAN HAS NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE THE BALL IS GOING!

You're going to tell me Gene knew where this ball was going?

So I pose the question: What is the most dangerous sport to spectate? If you roll to the stadium or the ballpark or the course with your son on a Saturday afternoon. Which sports pose the greatest risk of you never making it home?

Most sports, obviously, pose no threat at all to their spectators -- this would be a serious issue. Still, there are a few sports that do offer a small amount of risk. A dangerous sport for a player is not necessarily a dangerous sport for a spectator; football, rugby, freebase rock climbing, boxing... These are all sports with high injury risk for players, but none for the fans.

 Football: Dangerous for him, not for you.

What we are looking for are sports where the actual sport being played poses the risk to the spectators. It seems like soccer fans are always dying, but those deaths are stadium or other spectator related, so soccer will not be making this list. Soccer is used to taking it on the chin, they’ll get through this.

Here is a list of the sports that the risk averse should consider skipping:


5. NASCAR

Not only is NASCAR painfully unentertaining, but it’s incredibly dangerous for everyone involved. Fans and spectators are separated by a chain link fence. A CHAIN LINK FENCE!!! Forty-three cars are whipping around a narrow race track at over 200 mph and safety experts have determined that a chain link fence is all that is needed to protect patrons a few feet away? Tires have killed fans, that has happened, that is a fact, but what about scraps of metal, bolts, screws, broken glass, flipping cars, fires? Not only are you watching something you could see on the side of the highway -- people driving fast! -- but there is an added risk of injury or death.

Worth it: Doesn’t seem like it to me.

 If you looked really quickly might you think this was NASCAR?

4. Hockey

Okay, we’ve upgraded to glass blocking objects from hitting spectators, and pucks aren’t as dangerous as sharp pieces of metal. So we’re good, right? No, not even a little, because in this sport, players are firing slap shots at 80 to 90 mph and other players are actually trying to deflect them. Fans are one high or poorly deflected slap shot away from a trip to the hospital. I have actually been to a hockey game where a girl took a puck to the face! Lucky for the Devils she was a tank and shook it off. If that puck had struck me they would not have been as lucky.

Worth it: Hmmmm… If Washington or Pittsburgh are playing, it’s worth it, otherwise, too risky.

 Why is he smiling!!! It looks like he's been shot!!! I know why. Too much hockey.

3. Skeet Shooting, Trap Shooting, Sporting Clays (Any other sport where someone has a gun)

For those who don’t know, these are all competitive shotgun shooting competitions that are in the Olympics, I could also have throw Biathlon in here, but I like it too damn much. Bottom line, when someone has a gun, it’s more dangerous than it needs to be. I don’t want to be there when this guy is told that he foot faulted and he still has three rounds left in the chamber.

Worth it: Definitely not!

 Does this guy look like he wants to play sports? I don't think so.

2. Baseball

Have you been to the ballpark recently? Did you sit in one of the first few rows down the first or third baselines? That is no joke! My parents are getting older and I honestly don’t think it’s safe for them to hold those seats anymore. You need to be a fucking ninja to sit there. It should be like the exit row on a plane, you can’t just be willing, you have to be able as well. My parents don’t react to foul balls until they are well into the stands. A foul ball could strike them in the face before they realized that a pitch had been thrown. So when we go to the ballpark I always have to be on my toes when lefties come up. The problem is that part of me knows -- the realistic part -- that I won't catch the ball, I'll just deflect it into someone else's face. Which is better, but not an apology I'm comfortable making.

Me - "Yeah, I'm really sorry. It was headed at my mother... I tried to catch it... It kind of had a knuckling action to it, even if I'd had a glove I'm not sure if..."
Injured Paton -"FUCK OFF CHUCK KNOBLAUCH!"
Me - "Actually, Knoblauch's glove wasn't really the problem. It was his throws to first that--"
(I get punched in the face)

Worth it: Yes, just sit a little further back or pull a John Olerud.

 You think John Olerud was ready for a foul ball? He wore a helmet in the field!

1. The Running of the Bulls

You have to be one brave son of a bitch or clinically insane to run with the bulls in Pamplona. You have to be just as brainless to stand along the fence and root for the maniacs and bulls running past. The bulls don’t know who is playing the game, hell, they don’t even know it’s a game. They are trying to kill the annoying people in their way and if that person is against the fence, they are going to try and spear that person. If they spear you…I just don’t think they really care.

Worth it: It has got to be fun watching people run from bulls in fear, but please, for the love of God, watch from someone’s balcony and not right up against the fence.

 You think this bull cares about your feelings?

Please, don’t think that I hate these sports. Unless I said otherwise, I think these are dynamite sports, I just think there are risks involved with watching them, especially from the good seats. Then again, you have a much better chance of dying on the way to the stadium than you do of dying while you’re there. So buckle up!

Next Entry: Top Ten Ways to Get Laid While Riding A Horse

Porn Stars and Fantasy Baseball: It's All Just A Fantasy

Judging your preseason fantasy team is a lot like sitting on your bed talking with a fully clothed porn star. You like what you see, you're excited about the future, but does it really make any sense? You've done the research, you've drafted your team and now you want to fuck it. That's why we play the game, right? But you also have your doubts. You've played fantasy before, but never in this league. These guys have played a lot of fantasy sports. They've done things, made trades, that you didn't think were possible. Graphic, flat out disrespectful 4 for 1 deals that caused you to close your computer and sit in absolute darkness for hours wondering if it was even worth going on knowing that one manager could take on four huge players like that. Questions flood your brain. What if Josh Hamilton doesn't bounce back? What if Lela Star doesn't actually get tested every week? What if Roy Halladay doesn't transition well to the National League? What if I go black and really do never want to go back? What if Steven Strasburg doesn't make it to the majors this year? He's soooo good! What if Tori Black is actually only 17? She's soooo hot! What if Carlos Pena can't bring up his average? What if I can't get it up? It's nerve racking. I know. But nothing has happened yet. What you are doing makes no sense. All that matters is how it ends.


So how should we spend the last week before the season begins? Doing something that does make sense of course. Comparing my fantasy team to their porn star complements -- So you can really visualize how great my team is going to be.

Catcher: Miguel Montero aka Keri Sable

Montero and Sable might not be Frat House names yet, but they're poised for a big year!

Let's get one thing straight. These are both top tier catchers. Montero has been waiting for a full time job since his monster 2005 season at Single A Lancaster and last year when Chris Snyder went down, he got it. Boy did he deliver hitting .294 with 16 home runs and 59 RBI. Imagine what he'll do in a full season. The same can be said for Ms. Sable. No longer doubting that the industry is the right place for her, a weight has been lifted and we can expect BIG things in her this year.


First Base: Adrian Gonzalez aka Zafira

In different markets these could be top ten picks.

Elite talent trapped in small markets (sigh). Adrain Gonzalez hit 40 home runs and drove in 99 runs last year hitting in one of the weakest lineups in recent memory. He was walked 119 times! That's more than Albert Pujols! He'll be solid, but if he ever gets traded...watch out. Similarly Zafira is a stone cold hottie, but she's done everyone she can do in Hungary. It's time for a move to LA to show the world what she can really do, and to meet me of course. A change of scenery is the only thing holding these two unreal, all natural talents back from superstardom!

Second Base: Dustin Pedroia aka Lela Star

Don't let their size fool you. They are two of the best.

5'9" and 5'1" they are two of the smallest players in their fields, but what they lack in size they make up for below, and above, their breast plates. Pedroia has won both the AL Rookie of the Year and the AL MVP. Star brought home the 2007 Adam Film World Guide Award for Best Latin Starlet and is looking to cash in again this year at the AVN Awards for Best All-Girl Group Sex Scene -- She deserves it. Trust me! They may be diminutive, but their future success could not loom larger.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez aka Jenna Jameson

You have to give them credit. They were willing to do whatever it took to get on top.

If you compare a 1997 picture of Alex Rodriguez with a 2010 one, you might not even realize you’re looking at the same person. If you do the same with Jenna Jameson, I guarantee you won’t! But that’s the business they work in and who are we to judge? They are the best at what they do. Don't tell me about Pujols and Haze being better right now. I don't care! These are icons, brand names, legends. Surgery, steroids, more surgery,  more steroids, they did it all, and you know what? It worked. They got to the top. A Rod is still a top 3 pick and Jenna is still a top 3 late night option. There are no ifs with these two. They are going to deliver top-of-the-line performances night in and night out and for that I will not apologize!

Shortstop: Derek "The Captain" Jeter aka Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy

It's rare when an athlete gets bigger than his sport, but these two have.

A lot of baseball players have injected steroids into their bodies and a lot of porn stars have injected fat into their penises. I don't really care. That said, if I found out that Derek Jeter had used steroids I would stop watching baseball and if I found out that Ron Jeremy had plumped up his penis I would stop having sex. These men are above their sports and with that comes a lot of responsibility. How are they handling it? I'd say pretty well. Jeter has won five World Series titles and made 10 All Star teams, and Ron was recently ranked number one on AVN's "Top 50 Porn Stars of All Time List." Oh, he also has a 9.75 inch penis. Jeter's you ask? I can't confirm anything, but I'm guessing around 8.25.

Outfield: Chris B. Young, Juan Rivera and Josh Hamilton aka Sasha Gray

They might not make you sweat right now, but just wait until mid-season.

Sasha Gray isn't your typical "Girlfriend Experience" and my outfield isn't your typical "fantasy experience" -- Outfield is supposed to be your strength not your weakness. A lot of teams have issues, my outfield has more. Drug addictions, weight problems, injuries, failing to meet expectation, you name it we got it. But just like Sasha Gray, my guys are willing the battle each and every obstacle thrust towards their face with the upmost dignity and class. Three, four, even five obstacles, no problem. Prepare to be amazed.

You probably don't get a boner when you look at Sasha Gray, I'm hoping that you don't get one when you look at my outfield, but by mid-season a mere glimpse at my outfield is going to give you a full on rager the likes of which a Viagra customer service rep has never seen.




Designated Hitter: Vladimir Guerrero aka Lexington Steele

 When Vladdy or Lexington find a hole...they can do serious damage.

Though they may be getting on in years, these Hall of Famers still yield two of the biggest sticks in the game, and they aren’t afraid to swing them. Vladdy has a career batting average of .322, has hit 407 home runs, has been invited to 8 All Star games and won the 2004 AL MVP award, and he’s never worn a batting glove. From 2000-2004 Lexington starred in 500 movies and slept with 1,200 women, in 2003 he became the first Male actor to win the AVN Male Performer of the Year Award three time, he has an 11 inch cock, and is rumored to have never worn a condom because the don’t make condoms for horses. Although these two athletes may be on the decline, I’m sure they both still have a few hits left in those bats of theirs.

Starting Pitcher: Tim Lincecum aka Jenna Haze

Just Filthy!

The Freak and a freak, Tim Lincecum and Jenna Haze have taken the extraordinary and made it common place. They are simply put the filthiest around. In the past two seasons Tim Lincecum has gone 33-12 recording 526 strikeouts and posting an ERA of 2.55. He has won both NL Cy Young Awards and is the first fantasy pitcher off the board in all drafts. In the past two years Jenna Haze has done...quite frankly a lot of stuff I don't feel comfortable talking about. But for her work she received the 2009 AVN Award for Female Performer of the Year, a huge honor as I'm sure you all know. We can only pray that these juggernauts can stay at the top of their game and provide us with entertainment for years to come.


Who knows how my fantasy team will do this year? Who knows if their porn star equivalents will fall out of the spotlight? (I do, they won't because they are unbelievable hot) What I do know is that it isn't worth wasting your time thinking or blogging about. I personally have more important things to do...