You’re at Work! Clean Up Your Act!

We let athletes get away with anything! If they say something dumb, they were in the heat of the moment. If they cheat on their wife, it was one bad decision. If they murder someone, it was assisted suicide. Enough! I tell one receptionist that she’s got a smoking hot ass and I can’t go within 100 yards of a Neiman Marcus. Enough! If I can’t do it at my job, athletes shouldn’t be able to do it at theirs.

Here are some sporting acts that should definitely not be allowed in the work place.

Inappropriate Touching - The Upper Hand Ball Massage

Quarterbacks and centers have had an inappropriate work relationship for a long time. You are touching his balls. No, you are gently resting your hand on the underside of his ball sack and holding, which quite frankly is worse. No one wears butt pads anymore and I know a few guys who don’t even wear cups. No wonder more quarterbacks are calling their audibles from under center. How do you think the left guard feels? He sees this every day, in the cubicle next door and he’s too scared to say anything. Please, for all of our sakes, put in some more shotgun packages.

THAT CENTER HAS MESH SHORTS ON FOR CHRIST SAKE

Dress Code - Really? That's what you wore? This is work!

There really isn't anything to say here. This outfit does not foster a healthy working environment. End of story.

You try doing your job with her jumping around in that.

The Straddling Hump - into Standing Hump

Only in wrestling would this be a standard move. Let me get this straight, we’re going to put on spandex, something I would never ever wear at any other time in my life, I’m going to kneel on the ground…and you’re going to kneel right behind me and try to take me to the ground? Who was the dude that was like “YES! I LOVE IT. How do we make this happen?” 90% of wrestling take downs involve some sort of humping technique. What if 90% of conference calls involved some sort of hand to breast contact? I don’t think we’d be making many conference calls.

 There are no winners when two men in spandex take this position

Sexual Harassment - Groin to the Facial AKA OHHHHH IN THE FACE!!!!

This tall…kind man was just trying to do his job. He is a basketball player, and he takes his job very seriously. And then this…

 You think Vince ever though about what the other guy wanted?

...a groin is shoved into his face at high speeds. That’s even worse than at slow speeds. You don’t see it coming, you have no time to react, you just take it, and guess what? 50,000 people are watching…AND THEY CHEER. No one has the balls to say something to the jerk who did it. Typical!

Who is going to take a stand? Who is going to be our Susan B. Anthony?

Is This As Good As It Gets?

Some nights -- usually Sundays and Wednesdays -- I take off all of my clothes, stand in front of the mirror and think, maybe this is as good as it gets. It’s at precisely this moment, unless I’m wasted or high, I remember, with the help of the mirror, that I’m overweight, pale, balding, and haven’t had sex since 1992 and if this is as good as it gets, FML, I’m taking an off road trip to the golden gate bridge.

What I’ve learned through my field research is that other people actually lead good, fulfilling lives. I would go so far as to say that some people actually like their lives. They would stand in front of the mirror naked, a gorgeous blonde on the bowl behind them and think, man, I’m the man. This is about those people. The people who are at the tipity-top, everyone loves them, hot girls and hot guys want to be slayed by them, they defecate mint chocolate chip ice cream, and they have more than just their parents following them on twitter, millions more. Things couldn’t be better, but a word of caution for this tale. When things are as good as they get, there is no where to go but down.

The following people should be advised to enjoy the mint chocolate ice cream while it’s flowing, because the way I see it, it won’t be for much longer.

Amar’e

 This might be Brian Scalabrine if he played with Steve Nash

The poster child for what Steve Nash can do for your basketball career, and the really sad thing is, I don’t think he knows it. Almost all of his baskets are wide open jump shots or even better, dunks, served up perfectly by Nash. When he moves on this off season and doesn’t have one of the best PG’s in the league, his numbers will take a huge hit.

Ubaldo Jimenez

 1.16? That's like hitting .460.

12-1, 1.16 ERA (was under one a week ago), .97 WHIP, 84 strikeouts, and a .180 BAA. 96 MPH cheese and a wicked breaking ball still shouldn’t equal these untouchable numbers. The bloop singles are being caught, the hard ground balls turned into double plays and the few line drives snatched out of the year. I don’t care how good Ubaldo is, he will not have an ERA under 2.0. A WHIP that close to an ERA is a sure sign that luck is on Ubaldo’s side, but for how long?

Ke$ha

 Tik Tok...Tik Tok

A one hit wonder in an age where it’s impossible. TiK ToK was an alright song to listen to on the radio. I maybe even sang along once or twenty times, but her new songs, not good. Just really not great, and they would not have been on the radio ten years ago. Bottom line, enjoy this CD, odds are it’s her last.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 What a motley crew

Show is unreal funny, but can they really keep it up? All shows lose some of their luster after the first few seasons. Will Charlie’s crazy antics get old? Will we stop finding Dee somewhat attractive? Will Frank lose weight and his appeal. Will Mac and Dennis stop doing…what they do to make them funny? Actually…probably not, but all shows lose some edge after a while so enjoy it while you can.

The Padres

 

 The best record in the National League with the second lowest payroll in the entire league-- their payroll is $37,799,300, let’s choose a random team…the Yankees is $206,333, 389. They have a team ERA under 3, nearly a run better than let’s say…the Yankees’ 3.82 ERA and the Padre’s entire team makes almost half of what the Yankees five starters make - $24,000,000 + $16,500,000 + $11,500,000 + $11,750,000 + $447,000 = $64,197,000.

With such a young team, an over performing pitching staff and no stars besides A Gon… Padres fans should get to the park sooner than later.

And the winner is…

LeBron James

What if I told you that in five years LeBron James was going to be a role player on a below .500 D-League team? You’d probably assume that I was severely mentally handicapped and politely excuse yourself from the conversation, and you’d be right to do so. That’s not even close to what I’m saying here. I’m simply positing the possibility that this might be the summit of LeBron’s life. There, someone finally said it.

 LeBron takes out his pec to let you know he's better than you

LeBronLeBron. Maybe too good?

LeBron has never won an NBA title. He has only been to the finals once and was swept 4-0. He is about to sign a max contract and lock himself into a franchise for the best playing years of his career, if he makes the wrong decision…

If LeBron doesn’t win a championship it will be a disastrous career. When you’re as talented as he is, it’s not about your team, it’s about you. Even if he only wins one title he can’t be mentioned with the names he is now, Jordan, Kobe, Wilt, Shaq, Bird Russell, as an all time great. So the pressure continues to grow and grow until it reaches an A Rod type state and nothing matters except from the playoffs. A one seed and an MVP only adds to the choking in the playoffs, and soon it’s the only thing LeBron can think about.

So…live it up LeBron, because things are going to get worse, they just kind of have to.

I hope this is a word to the wise for all you high school quarterback captains, prom queens, fraternity presidents and hot moms with the impossibly tight bodies, the end is near. It might not come tomorrow, or the next day, but it will come. It might not be in the form of a 6-2 sophomore with a rocket arm, or a horrific scarring case of chicken pox, or a wicked awesome party where some bros are caught doing some BTH -- black tar heroine -- in the back room and rat you out, or a baby that makes your vagina look like a creature from Zelda Ocarina of Time, but it will come. Be ready, and keep your head help low, for you my friend will be average again. 

If Robots Played Sports

I think we all worry about it. Not every second, but once or twice a minute. It’s going to change everything we thought we knew about sports. People are talking, I’ve heard them. Not just guys either; women, old people, nerds, Asians. It’s on everyone’s mind. What is going to happen when we start making robots that play sports? (Albert Pujols doesn’t count because there‘s no proof except for the fact that he’s way better than any other human.)

This is how it happens in my lucid dream: It starts with one super smart, super unathletic man or woman getting cut from his science lab’s slow pitch softball team because he keeps choking on sun flower seeds while riding the pine. Other players shout, “If you’re going to choke on it, don’t put it in your mouth!” but it will fall on deaf ears because by that point he is already passed out.

A week or so later when he gets released from the hospital -- if you were wondering, he did not have any visitors -- he heads back to his lab on a mission: how can he not be a loser anymore? Unfortunately, he’s already in too deep. The nickname “Baby Dick Bradford” kind of sealed his fate, but he can still make his wrath felt. What group of people makes him feel the worst? Women make him feel unloved and unwanted, but he deserves that; he looks like a Twizzler with a rib cage. Kids make him feel old and unwanted, but they’re just stupid kids, and Asians make him feel unintelligent and unwanted, but their test scores back it up, so there is nothing he can do. Athletes! They are the group that makes him feel the worst. They prance around hitting homeruns and scoring touchdowns, sleeping with supermodels, getting interviewed by Erin Andrews --that was his dream -- and now it’s passed him by. But wait, if he can’t have it, no one should; maybe there’s a way for him to ruin it for everyone. So he grabs a piece of metal, a micro chip and a hammer and in roughly seven minutes he has…a sport playing robot.

You really can't say enough here -- ESPN knows me

So he unveils the robot and everyone is like, “bull shit!” Especially Zack Greinke who says, “ain’t no robot gonna hit my nasty junk ball!” but then the robot does. He takes Greinke deep twice in an exhibition game. Suddenly things just got real. Players still hate Robo-Baller, but managers…they love him. It’s just like getting a Japanese player who doesn’t cause any trouble and can’t talk to any of the other players on your team, except cheaper and more durable. Soon every GM is bidding on Robo-Baller for their team, but athletes are pissed off and don’t want to play with it, it’s a robot! Kevin Garnett is especially agitated and he says, “I don’t want to play with no F@#$ing robots,”but then everyone pauses and is like… “oh snap! Haven’t we seen this before?” BOOM! Jackie Robinson! That’s what the white players said, and how do we feel about that now? Pretty not okay. So the black players are like, “shit! We messed up” and the white players are like “cool” because they are kind of off the hook for that whole ordeal now, but bottom line, the robot gets to play because it’s damn good and deserves to play.

 No one is making that mistake again -- Jackie paved the way for robots

So yeah, first few games the robot takes a lot of shit from the fans because it can’t hit the knuckleball or tackle Chris Johnson -- not that anyone can -- or play in the rain. And yes, Arizona fans chant, “where are your papers?” when he plays there, but he starts to fit in, even excel, and eventually starts to date Kate Hudson because she loves big strong athletes. Team unity is a problem because he refuses to shower with the rest of the team, but fans want more robots!

So robots start to take over sports. There are certain sports they are only decent at -- football, futbol, water polo, swimming, tennis, but other sports they dominate. Have you ever seen one of those pitching machines that can throw knuckleballs, screwballs and one-hundred mph fastballs? Well, they exist, and these robots have them as arms.  Robot pitchers make Steven Strausburg look like Mitch Cohen-- he was the worst pitcher my year in little league…sweet kid, God awful baseball player. Baseball, basketball, sprinting, golf, bowling, bocce ball, robots obviously dominate these sports because they are very mechanical. Moving fast or throwing something a particular way over and over again is what they are so good at.

 Mitch never had that wow factor

Soon robot wages become a huge issue.  They have no need for money, what they want instead are women -- not robot women either, human women. Obviously this sounds great to the managers, women would be much cheaper than money, and since robots have extremely low standards, it should be easy, but it’s not. It’s never easy with XX’s. Women, in classic form, refuse to act as compensation for robot athletic play, and upon hearing this, the robots get extremely mad, kill their unathletic maker, and sign a suicide pact with their robot brethren, and after a beautiful picnic on an overcast day…there are no more robot athletes.

You can look at it one of two ways: it’s yet another thing that women have ruined for men, because robots really were exceptional athletes, or you could argue that by staying true to their core values and valuing themselves as people, women saved sports for humans.

My Take: When will women start thinking about someone other than themselves?

Next Post: What do Woody Page, a crouton and a sock all have in common? -- It’s not the obvious choice.

Ten Sports You Probably Didn’t Know Were Sports Because They Weren’t -- Until Now

Snobby purists like to say that you need “a ball” or “puck” or “disk” and “other players” and “a referee” and “people who care” to consider what you’re doing a sport. They would say, basketball, football, baseball, hockey, soccer, tennis, Ultimate Frisbee: those are sports. I say bull tit! What about NASCAR! That’s considered a crappy sport. Does that mean driving fast is a sport or do you need to be going around a track and wearing a seatbelt? What about running? If I go for a jog am I sporting it up or do I have to be running against other people, on a course, with a number and shortie shorts? No! I’m calling shenanigans here! SHENANIGANS!!!

If you’ve got the fire, the unyielding desire, if you go harder and faster than you thought you could, sweating more than you think you should...then you’re playing a sport all right, and odds are you’re the best at it because you’re the only one playing! It feels good to be the best, doesn’t it?

Here are seven sports you might not have seen on ESPN or ESPN2 or ESPN3 or even ESPNU, but they’re sports all right and you just might see someone playing one of them sooner than you think.

Cow Kicking (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 4/8 = .5)

 

How the Game Is Played: Find a cow -- kick said cow in the face -- acquire as much milk from cow as possible before it knocks you out cold.

"Kick me in the face. Make. My. Day." - Cow

 This isn’t the kind of sport you play after work or without health insurance. This is a sport that requires practice. Unless you’ve trained with calves and deer, you are surely not ready for a full grown cow. There will be hoof to face contact, can you handle that? You will be touching and tugging on a cow’s udder, you comfortable doing that.

Why it is more of a sport than UFC: Can you even fathom the physical and mental wear and tear of milking an enraged cow? Here’s some help: Imagine kicking Brock Lesnar in the face and then trying to wack him off. Seriously, does that sound like fun? Now picture Lesnar five times as large in the shape of a cow who craps whenever and wherever he wants and views you as a large mouse he wants to kill! NOW, give him a large external vagina that you tug on to produce milk. Yeah, that’s a sport and a half. Move over UFC, welcome UCK.

 

Shroomeration (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 3/8 = 3.75)

 

How the Game is Played: Take shrooms -- Play operation.

 This game is messed up enough not on shrooms.

This is a precision game on a hallucinogen. With the voltage cranked up to near deadly levels, removing that femur can be life and death. Can you handle the pressure? Keep your hands from shaking? Pick which of the four arm bones is the real one? Play through the pain? 

Why it’s more of a sport than archery: Archery is a precision sport played with no distractions and no penalties for missing. Here is my question: why do they ever miss the bull’s-eye? That’s all you need to practice, shooting an arrow at a target. If you miss, you don’t get shocked, you’re not on drugs, what is so hard about that? Picture this... You wipe sweat from your brow as you try to focus down the site of your bow. You just took your second hit of shrooms and you’re not really sure which of the four dancing targets you’re supposed to hit. You better make up your mind, because if you’re off by even a quarter inch, the platform below your feet opens and drops you into a giant bee hive. Heart racing? That’s what shroomeration is, that is a sport! 

Running From The Cops (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 10/4 = 2.5)

 

How the Game is Played: Get drunk at a party -- the cops break it up -- run like the wind.

No one said you had to be drinking under-aged. If you run, they will run after you, trust me. That said...it is best to not be eighteen yet...that's all I'm going to say. Just get away and it's all cool.

Using a bike is C-H-E-A-T-I-N-G!

It’s a risk reward sport; the drunker you are, the harder it is to run, or climb, or keep up your stamina, but the less falling hurts and the less sweet victory is. Now a days, it’s not all that cool to run from a party when the cops show up, in high school…it was just what you did. It’s one of my biggest regrets. See I was always that kid who…didn’t have to run because…he was a good talker and…wasn’t at the party…(sigh)

Why it is more of a sport than 100 meter dash: Ummmm…hello? There are people with guns chasing you-- not that they are going to shoot you, but still. You have to jump fences, scale walls, avoid pools, hide… YOU’RE DRUNK! You’re trying look cool for a girl you’re trying to get with, while you try to keep from getting arrested. The footing is constantly changing between pavement, grass, woods, passed out bodies… This is 100x the sport the 100 meter dash is, but I admit Usain Bolt would still be the best. 

 Fast is fast.

Duration Gaming -- Video Games from 1 PM to 5 AM -- 16 Hours (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 8/2 = 4)   

How the Game is Played: Sit down at your gaming console -- play for 16 straight hours. 

 Call me crazy, but I don't think she's gonna make it!

Try doing anything for 12 straight hours, even sleeping, it’s tough. No bathroom breaks, no nourishments, no company, it’s just you and that television…and your eyes are starting to water and it’s only hour ten.

 

Why it’s more of a sport than golf: Try staying awake, keeping your eye-sight in check, holding in your bowl movements. A round of golf takes about five hours. How often do guys play 54 holes in one day? Never, because they couldn’t make it. Duration gaming takes endurance, dedication, you’re competing against more people (online players), it’s tougher on your hands and you don’t have a caddy to help you out.

Beer Pong -- Beirut (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 9/1 = 9 -- varies by shape of partners face)   

How the Game is Played: Toss a ping pong ball across a table -- make it land in a solo cup partially filled with beer -- repeat steps one and two, ten times. 

 You're telling me that's not a sport? Two of those kids died!

A ping pong ball has a diameter of 40mm, two of them fit into a solo cup at the same time. If basketball is a shotgun execution, beer pong is a 200 meter snipe shot. 

Why it’s more of a sport than bowling: Ten pins -- Ten cups. Big heavy ball -- Small light ball. Rolling -- Throwing… That’s where the comparisons end. Bowlers don’t have distractions, no psych-outs, rebuttals, aren’t working on a severe buzz. You want pressure? Try standing next to the girl of your dreams -- the kind of girl who doesn’t like losers -- staring across the table at one last solo cup, looking down at the ball in your hand, seeing two, and knowing that EVERYTHING is on the line.

Drinking while doing anything makes it harder…well, drinking a lot makes everything harder.  Add good looking girls, drunk friends and a ceiling fan… Beer Pong makes bowling look like pocket pool.

Ice Cold Showering -- Full Wash and Shampoo (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 1/5 = .2)   

How the Game is Played: Don’t pay your heating bill -- Need to shower for work -- Man up and do it! 

Ice Cold Showering takes discipline; you need to have a game plan. You can’t just jump into the ice cold water or your heart will give way. You need to put mind above body, work the edges of the shower. There are no sliding shorts in ice cold showering, it’s just you a loofah and the water. 

 I don't know what this is, but it's NOTHING like Ice Cold Showering.

Why it’s more of a sport than figure skating: You’re naked, if you fall there isn’t enough room to not smack your face on something, not only are you cold, you have to touch the cold, you have to soap up and shampoo, there are no judges and no prize… This is a sport that asks the question, how bad to you want that girl at work to think you smell good?

  

Smelly Sauna or The Other Hot Box (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 2/8 = .25)

 

How the Game is Played: On a long drive -- in the middle of August -- roll up the windows -- lock the doors -- lay a wicked fart -- count the seconds until you pass out. 

 Oh, they played...and they lost.

This is not a game for the faint of fart. You control your own destiny. Some only last a few seconds before careening into the guard rail, others battle for hours, reaching their destination and fresh air. 

Why it’s more of a sport than bobsledding: Smelly Sauna takes the willpower to overcome your own shortcomings. You have to watch your diet, be able to hold your breath for long periods of time and not be friends with any members of the opposite-- this is usually a given if you are even considering playing. During smelly sauna you have to steer your car; bobsledding you’re just whipping down a track, it’s incredibly dangerous-- when you pass out, you have no idea where you’ll end up. You can play solo, two-man, four-man, or, with an SUV, up to eight-man! Your prize isn’t an Olympic medal, it’s the ability to breath again, and for the purists, that’s more than enough. 

Not Letting Your Standards Slip Late Night At The Club: (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- -2/(N/A) = undefined)

 

How the game is played: As you throw back drinks at the club -- don’t let you’re “only above 7” standards turn into “anything that moves.” 

 It was late, she's had a few drinks and it just kind of happened...

You get to the club, you ease around and take in the scene, the smoking hot girls are unapproachable, so you head to the bar. A few drinks later, feeling a little more confident, you try to make eye contact, nothing. Some Red Bull and the club now full, you try the inconspicuous walk by, but they ignore you. A few shots and you’re noticing more and more good looking girls, you try the convo start…It’s too loud. Another drink and you start making your way towards the darker corners, these girls look good too…you think. Why hadn’t you noticed them before? A few more drinks, lights go on, you’re batting zero… they all look good now. You look over at your buddies who are already making face. What you gonna do playa? 

Why it’s more of a sport than dodgeball: You lose a game of dodgeball, you walk to the side of the court in shame, but it’s over, no one will care in an hour. You lose a game of Not Letting Your Standards Slip Late Night At The Club, not only does the following morning almost cripple you, facebook proclaims your loss for life! Dodging a ball is easy. Try dodging fifteen less than attractive girls in a dark club when you’ve had four beers, three SoCo and lime shots and two vodka tonics. How can you dodge what you can’t see? In dodgeball, you have teammates who can catch a ball and get you back in the game, or win the game even if you’ve lost. At the club you only have competition and frienemies. If this girl you found has a cute friend, you think your buddy is going to stop you? I don’t. And all of this goes for girls too! This is why I always wear basketball shoes out at night. Life is sport! 

So please, if any of these sports have caught your fancy, be my guest and grab some solo cups, or a cow, or a car to fart in and start playing. If you’re already playing, someone out there knows you’re an athlete, and if you’re playing something else that you consider a sport, keep it up and maybe one day you’re activity will be recognized as a sport.

Next post: One way to pleasure a girl with a Wii Controller.

1-2-3-Dead! -- Sports Edition

So you've just watched three baseball games in a row, but it's a QUADRUPLE HEADER! and your girlfriend won't let you play video games because she just loves the Houston Astros (It's not going to work out, she's a closet lesbo). As the Royals come to bat in the bottom of the first -- it's interleague play -- you're attention starts to wander, you think; “I wonder what the craziest way for that player to die right now is.” That guy - the one fingering his butt crack in center field, what would have to happen for him to be on the ground dead next time I look up from my lightly toasted, chipotle dressed, foot long Italian BMT?

Naturally, you have your random heart failure, seizure, or sniper, but those don’t count-- they could happen to anyone at anytime. Did you know that three porn scarlets a year die of heart failure while on the job? No? That's because I just made it up. Moving on, what I’m talking about are sport related deaths; a fast ball to the temple, falling asleep at the race car wheel, wandering across the field looking for the nearest port-a-john at a javelin meet. I’ve lost far too many close friends at javelin meets…

So here it is, sport by sport, just enough for you to get a nice mental picture, but not enough to make you sad. Remember, sometimes it doesn’t take five seconds, it takes three--

1-2-3-Dead! Sports Edition!

Soccer

A shot is ripped from just outside the box - the goalie dives - head - post - Dead!

- I don’t know how we don’t see this collision more, for the first time ever, I saw a goalie wearing a weird “Natalie Portman from Garden State” helmet the other day. The fear of this happening is why I never played soccer goalie. Most likely you’d just get knocked out or a concussion, but I’ve been told many times that I have a really weak neck.

 If you think that's necessary, maybe you just shouldn't be playing...

or (alternate label)

I know one player who's not getting laid after the game.

Hockey

A fight breaks out, skate comes off - blade - jugular - Dead!

- I have to give Happy credit for this one, after all, he’s the only person to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.

Baseball

Batter swings - bat breaks - fielder goes to field ball - takes shard of bat to the heart - Dead!

- Anyone who watches baseball has seen a few close calls, Teixeira had one the other night and everyone remembers Clemens throwing the bat-shard at Mikey P. This will happen, someone will get stuck in the next five years. Will he take it in the heart? Hopefully not.

 Vampires would run from that chunk of wood!

Basketball

Sweet dish from under the basket - Shaq stuffs - basket comes down…on your face - Dead!

- How has no one ever been seriously injured by baskets falling? These new “snap down” baskets only make it more dangerous! They come down FAST! I don’t want Shaq as my teammate, mainly because he’s horrible, but also for survival reasons. Then again, I’m a pussy.

You want to be standing under there?

*Bonus Basketball*

Clock winds down on NCAA championship - in moment of joy player hurls ball high into the air - walk-on sprints onto the court to celebrate - ball comes right down on his head - Dead!

- I watch for this every time a player throws the ball into the air! Best I’ve ever seen is a cheerleader take the ball in the face on one bounce. She went down hard and was stampeded by the student section charging the court! If Lebron had thrown that ball up and it had come down straight on her head? It would have ended her life.

Football

Quarterback overthrows ball - wide receiver runs through end zone - is impaled by machine - Dead!

- last year I saw a college player badly injured on a play like this. I don’t know what the machine was, it wasn’t a tractor, it might have been some advanced snow plow, whatever it was, if he had tripped - Dead!

Tennis

Both players sprint up to the net for a fierce volley - player one trips as he hits a downward shot, falls over the net - player two bends to hit the ball, racket perpendicular to the ground - player one face plants onto the handle of player two’s racket - chokes - Dead!

- Yeah, this one…don’t hold your breath for it to happen. Your best bet in tennis is realistically someone diving into one of the poles that hold up the net, but that’s so typical, and a ball girl would hopefully save them.

Bowling

Bowler’s bowling shoes were shinned to thoroughly- bowler slips backwards as he throws - fourteen pound ball flies into the air - lands on face - Dead!

- A bowler could slip on loads of things, where there is a fourteen pound ball of fury, there is danger.

 Does it look like this ball is smiling at you? - Dead!

Fencing

Safety tip at end of epee falls off... It’s a sword for heaven’s sake - Dead!

- When someone has a sword…shit usually goes down. Not unlike when "Pac Man" Jones goes to a strip club.

Horse Racing

Jockey falls off horse - other horses don’t care - Dead!

- Calvin Borel wouldn’t fall, but other riders might. It’s why I don’t get on horses, I don’t look out for bugs when I step, horses don’t look out for us.

 What if he was on the other side of that horse? - Dead!

Javelin

Participant sneezes as he launches his javelin - everyone within 50-yards ducks - one dude takes it the javelin in the back of the head - Dead!

- People have allergies, we’ve all seen that video on Kazaa, javelins have impaled people before.

Boxing

Tyson’s right hand - your face - Dead!

- People have died before.

 The people in the background seem to have already moved on with their lives.

Skeet Shooting

Man with rifle is called for a foot fault - turns to referee - Dead!

- You tell a man with a gun he lost. I’ll be the guy slowly backing away.

Skiing

Patch of ice - cliff - Dead!

- I like skiing, but I often stand on the mountain staring past a thin plastic fence at a 200 ft drop and think…that’s not stopping me from dying.

 Let's be honest, that guy died.

Mountain Climbing

You can’t hold on any longer - Dead!

- I’ve tried those climbing walls in gyms, three pegs, that’s how high I can get. Which actually makes me feel safe. My body can handle that fall. Get up a little higher…a lot can go wrong.

You want to play sports anymore? I didn’t think so. Learn how to juggle lawn mowers or some other safe activity.

Eff Offensive Fouls In The Butt

Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but I still enjoy taking a nice girl to dinner and a movie, I still enjoy my porn on VHS and I still enjoy basketball games that are decided by clutch jump shots, not offensive fouls! I’m all for great defense, but man up and play great defense. Why was Michael Jordan’s game winner in Game 6 of the 1998 finals so special? Because Byron Russell was busting his ass on defense but just couldn’t stay with him.

 At least Russell tried.

Tonight charges killed what could have been an epic Jazz v. Nuggets game-- It still was pretty darn good. With 1:17 left and the Jazz up 108-106, C.J. Miles flopped down on a Carmelo Anthony drive and drew an offensive foul, Carmelo’s 5^th. Yes, Melo lowered his shoulder. Yes, it was the right call. I don’t care. It was also clear that Miles was going to flop no matter what move Melo made. Miles got lucky and as an audience we missed out on a possible great Melo moment. Then but 27 seconds later, the score now 108-107 Jazz, a methodical Kyle Korver drive collided with a stationary Nene. Guess what, offensive foul. Not to worry. Don’t blink you’ll miss it. Next time down the court Korver stepped in front of Chauncey Billups and… TOOK A CHARGE. Give me a break. I get that defenders need a weapon against wildly driving guards. We’ve all played against that guy at the YMCA who just drives and calls fouls every time, but late game charges take away from great games.

 If you can't guard him, try letting him bump into you and then falling backwards.

Just like my girlfriend when she washes off her makeup, charges really take me out of the mood. It is obviously “good defense” under the current rules, but have you ever thought about how subjective a charge call is? Were the defender’s feet set? Was the defender in the cylinder? Was the offensive player in the air? Did he release the ball before contact? Did the offensive player lower his shoulder? Was the defender leaning forward? You're telling me a referee can determine all of these things in a split second? Bull! Half the time another referee is giving a different signal.

The truth is, I don’t even want a block called. I don’t care if Melo can hit two foul shots, I want to see if he can hit a step back jump shot in C.J. Miles grill! That’s the whole reason we watch the game! To see the best players get their special on.

Basketball obviously can’t get rid of the charge all together, but what if it was a foul, but the offense kept the ball? I don’t know, I don’t have the answer, but late game charges just aren’t doing it for me.

Don't Change 64: You're Perfect the Way You Are

Am I wrong here? It was called Nintendo 64, right? Not Nintendo 96. It's arguably the best system of all time. Its graphics transcended gaming. Its controller fit in your hand like no controller had before -- unless you consider your penis a controller... yeah, you probably don't -- It gave us games that are still fun over ten years later; Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64, Golden Eye, Perfect Dark, Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Super Smash Brothers...the list goes on. If something is that perfect, why would you change it?

 This system brought a lot of people a lot of joy. All 64-bits.

If you haven't realized by now, I'm not actually talking about Nintendo 64 -- I was, but now I'm going to pretend that it was an analogy for the NCAA Tournament. Here I go. -- What I’m really talking about is the NCAA tournament, more specifically it's field of 64 (cough), 65 teams. Four regions of sixteen teams apiece, equaling three weekends of bliss. It's as close to perfection as Jessica Alba, and now the NCAA is considering changing it. But why?

I understand why Heidi Montag had her entire body reshaped with ten plastic surgery procedures in one day. She wasn’t hot and she wanted to be. Nice… effort... I guess… But that’s like the NIT. No, more like the College Basketball Invitational (CBI)-- a postseason basketball tournament below the NIT and CIT that no one even knows exists -- deciding to employ a new seeding structure for its teams. I don’t care, but since no one likes you, spicing things up is probably a smart play. But if you’re the Mecca of sporting events, the Abraham Lincoln of tournaments, the Mt. Everest of entertainment, the Jessica Alba of my life, why the hell would you change? There is only one answer. Money.

Here are 64 (cough), 65 reasons why the tournament should not expand:

1. The Bracket! I respect any purist out there who doesn’t fill out a bracket. It shouldn’t be about your bracket, it should be about the underdogs, the buzzer beaters, the seniors getting their last chance at immortality. But for so many it is. My sister would not watch March Madness if she wasn’t in a pool, the lady who sits next to me at work wouldn’t care if I didn’t force her to fill out a bracket, my cousin watches every game and he hates basketball. Deny it if you want, hate it if you will, the bracket is as big a part of March as anything. Ruin the bracket, ruin the Madness.

2. I don’t care about the 31 next best teams! We watch March Madness to see the best and to see the Cinderella’s. We don’t watch to see underachieving major conference teams knock off the winners of small conferences and then get pumped by the Kentuckys and Syracuses. I want to see the small schools play the big boys.


3. 64 is the perfect number! Round One: Four Regions of 16 - 16 - 16 -16. Round Two: 8 - 8 - 8 - 8. Sweet Sixteen: 4 - 4 - 4 - 4. Elite Eight: 2 - 2 - 2 - 2. Final Four: 1 - 1 - 1 - 1. Then the Finals. Doesn’t that work out well? Which brings me to…


4. 96 doesn’t work. 96 divided by 4 is 24, so 24 teams a region. Twelve win in the first round… then six… then three… Notice a problem? What they are going to do is have 64 teams play for 32 spots in the tournament. Thirty-two play-in games. No one wants that.


5. Some teams are going to play fewer games. It’s six wins to the NCAA Championship. It’s the only fair way! Everyone is on an equal playing field.


6. There will still be bubbles burst. The 97th, 98th and 99th teams will still complain that they should have gotten in. If you want to get in, then do more!

7. Mid-Major conference tournaments won’t mean as much. For me, March Madness starts when the conference tournaments start. An elimination conference tournament game is almost as good as an NCAA tournament game. These teams really want it! If both of these teams are already in the tournament field under the new format… We don’t get to watch a great game.

8. Villanova -- It will only hurt higher seeds, making them play an extra game. Remember when Villanova won as an eight seed? I don’t because I was 6 weeks old, but around tourney time my dad never shuts up about it.

9. The Dance would lose it’s reward factor. If you make it into the field of 64, wow. It must be an awesome feeling. You really earned something. If you make it into an expanded field of 96…it just doesn’t feel as special. When you ask out the nerdy girl with no friends, a “yes” doesn’t mean anything. When you ask out the prom queen, a “yes” means everything.

10. The Selection Show would take too long! I don’t have three hours to listen to Greg Gumbel each year. I only have one.

11. George Mason. Probably wouldn’t see anything like #11 George Mason making the Final Four again. But who cares about that?

 For some reason I don’t think Tony Skinn would change a thing.

12. #12 seeds upset #5 seeds 33% of the time. But that probably doesn’t interest you.

13. Four #13 seeds have made the sweet sixteen since the tournament was expanded in 1985. If the tournament is expanded that accomplishment would now take three games. Oh well, I’ll only be missing out on some of the greatest moments of my life.

14. #14 Ohio knocked off #3 Georgetown this year. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!!!

15. Four #15 seeds have defeated #2 seeds. Richmond, Santa Clara, Coppin State and Hampton. I bet that felt pretty good. 

16. I’m still waiting for the first #16 to do it! A sixteen seed will beat a one seed one day, and I’ll be watching. Don’t take that away from me.

17. The team that loses the play-in game doesn’t even feel like they made the tournament. “Great season guys, making the tournament was great, that was a great Arkansas Pine Bluff team. What can you do” - Someone from Winthrop. Give me a break. They don’t even feel like they made the tournament. Don’t do that to thirty-one more teams!

18. People already don’t show up to watch the first round! I say this having never actually been to a tournament game myself -- It’s just too great watching it on TV -- but the crowd is already sparse at many opening round sites. Who is going to show up for a play in game between Virginia Tech and Rhode Island, and please don’t tell me one of the teams would get to play the game at home. This isn’t the NIT.

19. There are nineteen days from start to finish of the tournament. Not counting the play-in game that no one watches. Let’s not run too far into softball season, OKAY GUYS?!

20. We’re going to have to think of new names for rounds. Since teams will have to win to get to the field of 64, we have to give it a name. The suitable sixty-four? That sounds worse than butt-sex with Lexington Steele.

21. I’ve been watching the NCAA tournament for twenty-one years and never been disappointed. That means I started at three. That’s legit, right?

22. Joe Lunardi can’t keep track of 96 teams! Are you crazy?! Actually Joe probably can. I'm more worried about my mom.

We wouldn't throw you under the bus Joe... Or would we?

23. My Excel Spreadsheet won’t work! A few year ago I constructed an excel spreadsheet that allows me to weight different stats and then it determines who should win each game. I don’t think I could make another one.

24. It’ll throw off my auction strategy. Right now I have my 8-12 team auction strategy down pat. Change it to 96 teams and it’s back to the drawing board.

25. Ashley Judd can’t attend another round of games! And if Ashley Judd’s not there Kentucky is pretty much playing 4 on 5.

 Remember Double Jeopardy? Yeah, that movie wasn't that good.

26. Aren’t these Student Athletes? Not that I care, but this is a few more days they are missing class. Put your hands up all those parents out there!

27. The Refs! Does no one ever think about the refs?! They can’t referee that many games in one week. It’s not healthy.

28. My grandfather has arthritis and can’t circle that many games. Do you not want my grandfather to be able to participate? Is that what this is about?!?

29. The women’s tournament might follow! If the men’s tournament going to 96 would make me mad, the women’s tournament going to 96 might be too much for me to handle. What if I accidentally turned on a #24 v. #9 play-in matchup? Would there be reason to go on?

30. Stephan Curry. Would he have made his run if he’d had to win another game? Would he have been so special?

 Playing college basketball for Davidson at seven years old, Stephon Curry brought us all a lot of joy.

31. It will piss off Doug Gottlieb. Have you seen this guy mad? You don't want to.

32. Rutgers still won’t make it! So I still won’t have a team near and dear to my heart to root for!

33. Great records will be broken. As we add more and more games we lose track of the history of the tournament. Most points in an individual tournament, Glen Rice, 184 in 1989. If the tournament expands, say good bye to your record Glen.

34. How many times I’ll say “this is lame” during the first crappy play-in game I watch between Pepperdine and Northeastern. 

35. I can’t get Tuesday off work too!!! What the hell is this? You want me to lose my job?

36. We’d have to change the tournament’s theme song! We’d have to change it from “One Shining Moment” sung so beautifully by Luther Vandross and now Jennifer Hudson to “Circus” by Brittney Spears.

 Britney has always hinted that she'd love to sing the NCAA Tournament's theme song.

37. The Bracket won’t fit on one piece of paper! I can’t carry around two pieces of paper with me for a month! That’s ridiculous!

38. My girlfriend watches American Idol on Tuesday nights! And she’s huge!

39. The tournament is paced perfectly. I sit down on my couch on Thursday morning and get up Sunday night. Then I have three days to make sure my legs don’t atrophy before I do it again. I love basketball, but I don’t know if I can handle two more days.

40. I could handle it. But could my body? Let’s get one thing straight, I could definitely handle it, but my body might not be able to. I eat more junk food for four days than any person should. It turns out gummy bears and jelly beans don’t have any nutritional value. I don’t want March Madness to kill me.

41. Jessica Alba told me in a dream that she doesn’t want it to change…then we boned.

I was lying. Jessica actually turned me down in my dream. Am I the only one getting rejected all the time in his dreams?

42. I can’t take anymore heart ache! If I put my heart and soul behind ten to twelve more teams that lose… I just might not be able to pull myself off the floor.

43. If Jay Bilas is against it, I’m against it. 

44. Coach K is for it, I’m against it - Love you Wojo.

45. Let’s not forget how great N64 was. 

I spent three solid weeks beating this game. Would I do it again? In a second.

46. Because if the tournament was 96 teams I could not have written this post. It would have been too hard. Thinking of 96 reasons not to eat your own feces is hard. Thinking of even five is really tough. 1. It tastes bad. 2. It’s poisonous. 3. It will make your breath smell bad. 4. If anyone finds out you become “the kid who eats his own poop” and that has to hurt your chances with girls. 5. No drinks go well with shit. Okay, five was do able.

47. Our country already uses too much electricity. Can we really afford to expand the field before we discover some new sources of renewable energy?

 I'm thinking something with a hamster and a wheel, but it's still in the experimental stages.

48. Look what happened last time people demanded more...

 This too could have been avoided.

49. Look at what happened the time before that!

 Will people never learn?!?!

50. In-N-Out Burger refuses to expand to the east coast and everyone still loves them. 

51. Dick Vitale’s head might explode… is that a pro or a con? Just kidding, I love Dicky V (in small doses) and he’s for expansion… but still…

52. There is not enough “One Shining Moment” to go around! If we find a way not to change songs, how are we going to get all the extra shining moments in? Are we going to play it twice? God forbid we take out the clips of the crowd, bands and fans that make the video so special. Oh, wait...this round isn't going to provide any more shining moments. Nevermind.

53. The NIT would lose out on all of it’s really compelling matchups… ha… ha… hahahaha.

54. Don’t ever compare the NCAA tournament to college football bowl season again! I know that 68 out of 119 Division I Football Subdivision teams earn bowl bids! That’s why the bowls don’t matter at all. They need to adopt a 16 team March Madness like tournament!

55. Watching the bubble is really exciting. I actually derive a lot of pleasure from watching the bubble. Don’t take that from me.

56. Movies about the tournament would now suck! Wait a second, what’s the last good movie about the NCAA tournament? What’s the last movie about it period?

57. It would take even more attention away from the Frozen Four… What hockey calls it’s last four teams left… It’s being played right now… The college hockey tournament… Nevermind.

58. and 59. The Feres twins like things how they are. They told me.

 I'm not sure why, but I trust the Feres twins.

60. SportsCenter is only an hour long. Think of Scott Van Pelt for a second people!

61. What if an NBA prospect got injured in that extra game? That would suck! (Reaching... further...)

62. You should never ruin a great thing just for more money. How is this number 62?!?!

63. I’m going to get fired and arrested for punching a coworker in the face for telling me about the unreal Washington State v. Grambling State play-in game that took place the previous night. 

64. (cough) 65 is perfection. Let’s be real for a second, play-in winner doesn’t count.

65. Because it’s hard to think up 65 reasons for anything, this took a long-ass time, and I don’t want it to change!

Dear Jessica Alba (I’m really talking about the NCAA Tournament),

Everyone thinks you’re perfect the way you are. Please don’t change just because other people are telling you that bigger breasts and collagen injections would help you make more money. I think your tight frame and subtle lips are two of your best features.

Your Friend,
Everyone

If we all hold hands maybe we can stop this. I'm leaning probably not though.