We let athletes get away with anything! If they say something dumb, they were in the heat of the moment. If they cheat on their wife, it was one bad decision. If they murder someone, it was assisted suicide. Enough! I tell one receptionist that she’s got a smoking hot ass and I can’t go within 100 yards of a Neiman Marcus. Enough! If I can’t do it at my job, athletes shouldn’t be able to do it at theirs.
Here are some sporting acts that should definitely not be allowed in the work place.
Inappropriate Touching - The Upper Hand Ball Massage
Quarterbacks and centers have had an inappropriate work relationship for a long time. You are touching his balls. No, you are gently resting your hand on the underside of his ball sack and holding, which quite frankly is worse. No one wears butt pads anymore and I know a few guys who don’t even wear cups. No wonder more quarterbacks are calling their audibles from under center. How do you think the left guard feels? He sees this every day, in the cubicle next door and he’s too scared to say anything. Please, for all of our sakes, put in some more shotgun packages.
THAT CENTER HAS MESH SHORTS ON FOR CHRIST SAKE
Dress Code - Really? That's what you wore? This is work!
There really isn't anything to say here. This outfit does not foster a healthy working environment. End of story.
You try doing your job with her jumping around in that.
The Straddling Hump - into Standing Hump
Only in wrestling would this be a standard move. Let me get this straight, we’re going to put on spandex, something I would never ever wear at any other time in my life, I’m going to kneel on the ground…and you’re going to kneel right behind me and try to take me to the ground? Who was the dude that was like “YES! I LOVE IT. How do we make this happen?” 90% of wrestling take downs involve some sort of humping technique. What if 90% of conference calls involved some sort of hand to breast contact? I don’t think we’d be making many conference calls.
There are no winners when two men in spandex take this position
Sexual Harassment - Groin to the Facial AKA OHHHHH IN THE FACE!!!!
This tall…kind man was just trying to do his job. He is a basketball player, and he takes his job very seriously. And then this…
You think Vince ever though about what the other guy wanted?
...a groin is shoved into his face at high speeds. That’s even worse than at slow speeds. You don’t see it coming, you have no time to react, you just take it, and guess what? 50,000 people are watching…AND THEY CHEER. No one has the balls to say something to the jerk who did it. Typical!
Who is going to take a stand? Who is going to be our Susan B. Anthony?
I think we can all agree that in high school the hottest girls played sports. It’s a great way to stay in shape, get into the popular clique, get a light natural tan and show off your stems. If you were a guy, dating an athlete was the tits -- unless she played softball -- you were dating one of the most fit, hottest girls at your high school and thus, you were cool. I personally never dated an athlete in high school. I came really close once, but she told me to go for someone a little more “in my league.” I believe her exact words were “humped back whales should date other humped back whales.” I never really understood what that meant...
Now you’re in college. The level of athletic play had gone WAY up. There are WAY more sports that involve little to no actual physical exertion, and most girls have realized that they can just jog or throw up after meals to stay in shape. Now most girls who play sports have “the fire” a term that means she can most likely kick your ass and quite frankly terrifies the shit out of me…but most of the athletes are still hot-- unless they play softball, hockey or basketball (now that basketball has become way more intense, the seriously hot girls have been weeded out and replaced by seriously tall girls). If you are dating an athlete in college, you are most likely still dating a hip, in shape girl, you just have to make sure you don’t piss her off because remember, she has “the fire.” I never got the chance to date an athlete in college either, I guess I was too busy studying…and that fire thing made me nervous. Yeah, that’s probably why…
WE’VE REACHED THE PROS! And for the most part these are the girls who got a little too much testosterone in the womb. The hottest girls have been weeded out and are getting married to the somewhat douchey, or lucky, guys who were able to woo them in college-- or high school in the south. Now we’re left with the best of the best and for the most part they are, for lack of a better word, strongish…
This is one fight with a girl I would not be remotely ashamed to lose.
But, but, there is still something about an athlete, a muscular pair of stems, a tight frame, the fact that they are better than us at sports; there is something about an athlete that makes her hotter than she deserves to be, that keeps her near the top of our hotness charts even though they have no right to be there (some do, but most…no).
Here are eight female athletes that I am proud to say I find super hot, even if they aren’t a model, an 8 or Jessica Alba. There is something about an athlete that just…does it for me. This list isn’t just the hottest athletes. It is a combination of what sport they play, how good they are, and then yes, how good they look playing.
# Not on This List. Anna Rawson
This is one of the few pictures in the world that makes time slow and you truly think, "have I ever really seen anyone hotter?"
So hot. So freaking hot. Like, whaaaaat! hot. The fact that she even knows what golf is makes her twice as hot, but she’s hotter than she is an athlete. Like Anna Kournikova, while her playing sports makes her hotter, it doesn’t make her hot. That is why she is not on the list. This list is for the ladies who are really only considered hot because they play sports.
No we can actually start...
8. Candice Parker
If you’ve never looked at Candice Parker on the court and said, “she’s actually pretty good looking,” you’ve never watched the Tennessee Lady Volunteers or the WNBA Sparks…probably a good thing. Nevertheless, there is something about this tall, lanky, competitor making a smooth jump hook that gets my blood pumping.
Sheldon clearly met her when she was in a vulnerable place.
7. Jennie Finch
Kind of gross right?
How about now...
Sports bro. Sports.
Show me Jennie Finch in a bikini and I will show you someone who is not interested. Show me Jennie Finch toeing a pitching rubber and I’ll show you someone who has tough time keeping his emotions in check. A woman some might refer to as a “thick chick” off the field is a stone cold hottie on it, and when she throws that heater? Forget about it. Any girl who could strike me out and looks like Jennie Finch is a-okay with me.
6. Sue Bird
Ever since her glory days playing UConn basketball, I’ve had a thing for Sue Bird. She really plays the whole, “in no way do I think or know that I’m hot, I give 100% on the court,” thing like an absolute pro. She is hot, is good at basketball and is able to keep a slender build while playing top level sports. Keep doing what you’re doing Sue, because you’re doing it for me.
Can you call an older woman cute? I'm going to say no.
5. Maria Sharapova
Not the hottest tennis player, Elana Dementieva, Caroline Wozniacki and especially Maria Kirilenko make her look like Seth Green, but Sharapova is the one who becomes hot, really hotter, on the court. When she pumps her fist after an ace, grunts on a backhand shot or sits on the court after losing a tough point she is HOT! Sharapova is sports first, hot second, and I’m just a little bit cool with that.
She's a tennis player who is hot. Not the other way around.
4. Misty May- Treanor
Beach Volleyball... Hot.
Everyone has been in a fuss about Misty May for a while now. Misty and her partner Keri Walsh, her on the court partner, have been winning volleyball matches and our hearts for years. News flash, Misty is about a 6 off the court. I’m just going to come out and say it, she’s a little chunk and her face doesn’t exactly make me go “Whee Whooo”-- that’s the whistling sound from that 3OH!3 song. On the court you ask…10! Give that girl some large frame shades, put sand under her feet and have her set a volleyball and I will vote her Miss USA. Ahh what a little athletic ability can do for you.
3. Gretchen Bleiler
Any girl that can cruise down a half pipe at the winter x-games and unleash a double cork is cool with me. Hell, any girl that can snowboard is cool with me, but then take off your helmet and goggles and scarf and look like this!!!
Other girls don't like Gretchen because she's better than them.
Uhhhhh, yes please. That is a girl you can be proud to show your friends. “Hey guys, this is my girlfriend Gretchen Bleiler. Just thought I’d let you know she’s hotter than your girlfriends, cooler than your girlfriends, tougher than your girlfriends, never has mood swings like your girlfriends…oh, and she’s an absolute freak in bed. Cool, so you guys got some beer and a funnel? It’s kind of her thing.”
2. Dara Torres
Out of the pool, she’s just a mom, driving carpool, doing laundry, telling her kids they can’t watch Family Guy. In the pool, the word MILF doesn’t come close to cutting it.
What does your mom look like? Ohhh...I guess she doesn't play sports then...
If you look like that and can swim the 50-meter free in 24 flat, you’re a MPICPP - Mom Pussy I’m Comfortable Putting on the Pedestal. Is she serious? She is 43 years old! Quick! If you were drowning in a river 50-meters from your wife, who would you want to be married to? I personally would want it to be Dara.
1. Mia Hamm
I'm a little more in love with Mia because she was my first sports crush.
Anyone else holding the number one spot on this list would be unjust. Mia Hamm has done more for woman’s sports than anyone else out there including Anna Kournikova and Alison Stokke combined. There is something about Mia Hamm knocking down another girl or scoring a goal that does it for every guy out there. In no way is she a model, and if I saw her in the supermarket, I definitely wouldn’t double take, but when she’s on that soccer pitch with her eyes focused on the prize…there is no one quite like her.
They might not be models, but they look damn hot playing sports, and think about breeding. You’re kids are going to be thoroughbreds! That is…unless your genes mess it up.
