We let athletes get away with anything! If they say something dumb, they were in the heat of the moment. If they cheat on their wife, it was one bad decision. If they murder someone, it was assisted suicide. Enough! I tell one receptionist that she’s got a smoking hot ass and I can’t go within 100 yards of a Neiman Marcus. Enough! If I can’t do it at my job, athletes shouldn’t be able to do it at theirs.
Here are some sporting acts that should definitely not be allowed in the work place.
Inappropriate Touching - The Upper Hand Ball Massage
Quarterbacks and centers have had an inappropriate work relationship for a long time. You are touching his balls. No, you are gently resting your hand on the underside of his ball sack and holding, which quite frankly is worse. No one wears butt pads anymore and I know a few guys who don’t even wear cups. No wonder more quarterbacks are calling their audibles from under center. How do you think the left guard feels? He sees this every day, in the cubicle next door and he’s too scared to say anything. Please, for all of our sakes, put in some more shotgun packages.
THAT CENTER HAS MESH SHORTS ON FOR CHRIST SAKE
Dress Code - Really? That's what you wore? This is work!
There really isn't anything to say here. This outfit does not foster a healthy working environment. End of story.
You try doing your job with her jumping around in that.
The Straddling Hump - into Standing Hump
Only in wrestling would this be a standard move. Let me get this straight, we’re going to put on spandex, something I would never ever wear at any other time in my life, I’m going to kneel on the ground…and you’re going to kneel right behind me and try to take me to the ground? Who was the dude that was like “YES! I LOVE IT. How do we make this happen?” 90% of wrestling take downs involve some sort of humping technique. What if 90% of conference calls involved some sort of hand to breast contact? I don’t think we’d be making many conference calls.
There are no winners when two men in spandex take this position
Sexual Harassment - Groin to the Facial AKA OHHHHH IN THE FACE!!!!
This tall…kind man was just trying to do his job. He is a basketball player, and he takes his job very seriously. And then this…
You think Vince ever though about what the other guy wanted?
...a groin is shoved into his face at high speeds. That’s even worse than at slow speeds. You don’t see it coming, you have no time to react, you just take it, and guess what? 50,000 people are watching…AND THEY CHEER. No one has the balls to say something to the jerk who did it. Typical!
Who is going to take a stand? Who is going to be our Susan B. Anthony?
So you've just watched three baseball games in a row, but it's a QUADRUPLE HEADER! and your girlfriend won't let you play video games because she just loves the Houston Astros (It's not going to work out, she's a closet lesbo). As the Royals come to bat in the bottom of the first -- it's interleague play -- you're attention starts to wander, you think; “I wonder what the craziest way for that player to die right now is.” That guy - the one fingering his butt crack in center field, what would have to happen for him to be on the ground dead next time I look up from my lightly toasted, chipotle dressed, foot long Italian BMT?
Naturally, you have your random heart failure, seizure, or sniper, but those don’t count-- they could happen to anyone at anytime. Did you know that three porn scarlets a year die of heart failure while on the job? No? That's because I just made it up. Moving on, what I’m talking about are sport related deaths; a fast ball to the temple, falling asleep at the race car wheel, wandering across the field looking for the nearest port-a-john at a javelin meet. I’ve lost far too many close friends at javelin meets…
So here it is, sport by sport, just enough for you to get a nice mental picture, but not enough to make you sad. Remember, sometimes it doesn’t take five seconds, it takes three--
1-2-3-Dead! Sports Edition!
Soccer
A shot is ripped from just outside the box - the goalie dives - head - post - Dead!
- I don’t know how we don’t see this collision more, for the first time ever, I saw a goalie wearing a weird “Natalie Portman from GardenState” helmet the other day. The fear of this happening is why I never played soccer goalie. Most likely you’d just get knocked out or a concussion, but I’ve been told many times that I have a really weak neck.
If you think that's necessary, maybe you just shouldn't be playing...
or (alternate label)
I know one player who's not getting laid after the game.
Hockey
A fight breaks out, skate comes off - blade - jugular - Dead!
- I have to give Happy credit for this one, after all, he’s the only person to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.
Baseball
Batter swings - bat breaks - fielder goes to field ball - takes shard of bat to the heart - Dead!
- Anyone who watches baseball has seen a few close calls, Teixeira had one the other night and everyone remembers Clemens throwing the bat-shard at Mikey P. This will happen, someone will get stuck in the next five years. Will he take it in the heart? Hopefully not.
Vampires would run from that chunk of wood!
Basketball
Sweet dish from under the basket - Shaq stuffs - basket comes down…on your face - Dead!
- How has no one ever been seriously injured by baskets falling? These new “snap down” baskets only make it more dangerous! They come down FAST! I don’t want Shaq as my teammate, mainly because he’s horrible, but also for survival reasons. Then again, I’m a pussy.
You want to be standing under there?
*Bonus Basketball*
Clock winds down on NCAA championship - in moment of joy player hurls ball high into the air - walk-on sprints onto the court to celebrate - ball comes right down on his head - Dead!
- I watch for this every time a player throws the ball into the air! Best I’ve ever seen is a cheerleader take the ball in the face on one bounce. She went down hard and was stampeded by the student section charging the court! If Lebron had thrown that ball up and it had come down straight on her head? It would have ended her life.
Football
Quarterback overthrows ball - wide receiver runs through end zone - is impaled by machine - Dead!
- last year I saw a college player badly injured on a play like this. I don’t know what the machine was, it wasn’t a tractor, it might have been some advanced snow plow, whatever it was, if he had tripped - Dead!
Tennis
Both players sprint up to the net for a fierce volley - player one trips as he hits a downward shot, falls over the net - player two bends to hit the ball, racket perpendicular to the ground - player one face plants onto the handle of player two’s racket - chokes - Dead!
- Yeah, this one…don’t hold your breath for it to happen. Your best bet in tennis is realistically someone diving into one of the poles that hold up the net, but that’s so typical, and a ball girl would hopefully save them.
Bowling
Bowler’s bowling shoes were shinned to thoroughly- bowler slips backwards as he throws - fourteen pound ball flies into the air - lands on face - Dead!
- A bowler could slip on loads of things, where there is a fourteen pound ball of fury, there is danger.
Does it look like this ball is smiling at you? - Dead!
Fencing
Safety tip at end of epee falls off... It’s a sword for heaven’s sake - Dead!
- When someone has a sword…shit usually goes down. Not unlike when "Pac Man" Jones goes to a strip club.
Horse Racing
Jockey falls off horse - other horses don’t care - Dead!
- Calvin Borel wouldn’t fall, but other riders might. It’s why I don’t get on horses, I don’t look out for bugs when I step, horses don’t look out for us.
What if he was on the other side of that horse? - Dead!
Javelin
Participant sneezes as he launches his javelin - everyone within 50-yards ducks - one dude takes it the javelin in the back of the head - Dead!
- People have allergies, we’ve all seen that video on Kazaa, javelins have impaled people before.
Boxing
Tyson’s right hand - your face - Dead!
- People have died before.
The people in the background seem to have already moved on with their lives.
Skeet Shooting
Man with rifle is called for a foot fault - turns to referee - Dead!
- You tell a man with a gun he lost. I’ll be the guy slowly backing away.
Skiing
Patch of ice - cliff - Dead!
- I like skiing, but I often stand on the mountain staring past a thin plastic fence at a 200 ft drop and think…that’s not stopping me from dying.
Let's be honest, that guy died.
Mountain Climbing
You can’t hold on any longer - Dead!
- I’ve tried those climbing walls in gyms, three pegs, that’s how high I can get. Which actually makes me feel safe. My body can handle that fall. Get up a little higher…a lot can go wrong.
You want to play sports anymore? I didn’t think so. Learn how to juggle lawn mowers or some other safe activity.
In anticipation of the Raider’s epically bad draft selection tonight during the NFL Draft -- I’m predicting Tim Tebow -- let’s go back over the past ten drafts and give you the best and worst selections at each of the top ten picks.
Want to hear some stats? In college Suggs recorded 163 tackles, a staggering 65.5 tackles for a loss, and an NCAA career record 44 sacks. As a junior he recorded 24 of those sacks, another NCAA record. The Ravens thought that skill set would transfer well to the pros, and guess what, it has. He’s been to three Pro Bowls, has recorded 427 tackles, 57.5 sacks and 5 interceptions, and has been an integral part of one of the best defenses in recent memory.
Worst 10th Pick - 2005 Lions select USC WR Mike Williams
Mike Williams was a standout wide out at USC. In two years he pulled in 176 receptions and 30 touchdowns. That’s a lot. That’s averaging over a touchdown a game. Then, showing the early signs of mental retardation, followed Maurice Clarett into the NFL Draft as a sophomore -- Remember Clarett? He’s in jail. He was arrested when police found a Katana and a loaded AK-47 in the trunk of his car. Probably a guy I don’t want to make fun of. So…back to Williams; he lost his lawsuit with the NFL and was forced to sit out the season because he had hired an agent. The next year he was selected 10th overall by the Detroit Lions. His professional numbers? Well he has weighed as much as 270 pounds, more than some Broncos’ lineman, has 44 receptions and 2 TD’s. Not exactly what you’re looking for from the tenth pick in the draft. Add that he was traded to, and then cut by, the Raiders, a team that has no right to cut anyone, and that should tell you all you need to know about Mikey’s career.
Is this the guy you want to be using as a role model?
Williams recently signed with the Seahawks and his former coach Peter Carroll, so we’re rooting for him to turn it around. But as of now, he’s the worst 10th pick of the last ten years.
(Honorable mentions: 2006 Cardinals - USC QB Matt Leinart, 2001 Packers - Florida State DE Jamal Reynolds)
Best 9th Pick - 2000 Bears select New Mexico S/LB Brian Urlacher
Urlacher played safety, linebacker, kickoff return man and wide receiver in college. He had 7 receptions, 6 of them for touchdowns. He was good, but he played at New Mexico which makes him a risky choice in the top 10. Good for the Bears for taking the risk. Urlacher has been a staple at linebacker ever since and the face of the Bears franchise.
Some risks are worth taking.
Worst 9th Pick - 2004 Jaguars select Washington WR Reggie Williams
You take a wide receiver in the first round and you’re looking for a game changer, a big time deep threat, someone who takes years off opposing defensive coordinator’s lives… Reggie Williams is currently out of football and throughout his forgettable career averaged 2.4 receptions per game. If you drafted him with your seventh round pick, you regretted it. If you took him ninth overall? Someone is getting fired.
Best 8th Pick - 2003 Panthers select Utah OT Jordan Gross
Give me a Pro Bowl left tackle who starts every game except one in his first six seasons and I’ll gladly give you the eight pick in the draft. You had me at Pro Bowl.
Noticing a theme? Third WR in a row…maybe history is trying to tell us something.
Tommy Lee Jones with the flashy thing in the locker room is the only accusation that makes any sense in describing David Terrell’s NFL career. He was great in college, that’s why the Bears took him eighth overall. Then he forgot how to catch the ball. In his four years in the NFL Terrell averaged 2.41 catches per game and 30 yards a game, that’s a decent back up tight end or…a great wide receiver for the Rams.
(Honorable Mention: 1999 Cardinals - Ohio State WR David Boston)
Best 7th Pick - 2007 Vikings select Oklahoma RB Adrian Peterson
That’s a game changer. A lot of teams passed on AP because of “injury concerns” and because they didn’t expect him to be around and already had other needs they were happy to fill. Who’s laughing now? Josh Childress, Rick Spielman, Brett Favre…
Really? You took JaMarcus Russell? You must be kicking yourself pretty hard right about now.
The Raiders have a knack for making lists like this. They really know how to flush a high pick away. I can say with some certainty that they’ll be back later on. When the Raiders passed on Michael Crabtree to take Darrius Heyward-Bey I nearly fell out of my chair. I wanted them to take Crabtree! He would have looked bad-ass in the silver and black. Who is making these decisions? You can’t tell me that a group of grown men made this decision together. It makes no sense. Yes, the Raiders love speed. Yes, Heyward-Bey ran a 4.3, the best time for a WR at the combine. SO WHAT! Crabtree won the Biletnikoff Award, given to the best wide receiver in college football, both years he was in college. If you’re a lot better than someone in college with a slower 40 time (still a 4.55), there is a pretty good chance you’ll be better in the pros with that slower 40 time. Damn it Raiders!
Crabtree played 11 games last year after holding out like a little bitch -- Not fair, it might have been his agent -- Anyway, when Crabtree stopped being a little bitch, he caught 48 balls for 625 yards and 2 touchdowns.
Heyward-Bey also only played in 11 games; he had 9 receptions for 124 yards and 1 touchdown… Yeah… In one game last year Brandon Marshall had 21 receptions for 200 yards and 2 touchdowns. But you did real good too Darrius.
Yeah, it’s only been one year. I really don’t care. This one was a bust and the fact that the Raiders had multiple other good options at the same position, all of which they leaped over for two tenths on the 40-yard dash, makes it even worse.
Best 6th Pick - 2001 Patriots select Georgia DE Richard Seymour
Seymour was selected to five Pro Bowls in a row from 2002-2006, during that time he won, count them, three Super Bowls. He and Teddy Bruschi were the leaders of that defense, what is there not to like?
What do you know, Georgia takes best and worst of the sixth picks. Good for them. Okay, if you’ve never heard of Mr. Sullivan, that’s okay, he’s not really worth remembering. He played for the Saints for three years before getting traded to the Patriots where he was promptly dropped. With the Saints he…I’m just going to say it: 1.5 sacks. Sooo… they wish they had that pick back. That or they had taken any of these guys (#10 Terrell Suggs, #16 Troy Polamalu, #31 Nnamdi Asomugha) Then again, the Saints don’t need shit because they won the Super Bowl! So take that me!
(Honorable Mention: 2005 Titans select Adam “Pac Man” Jones -- It’s really not that close, Pac Man had a couple good seasons and became a 99 in Madden in like 2 years in Franchise mode, which is nuts. Unfortunately, Pac Man had serious baggage! Fortunately, he knew how to have a real good time at a strip club. If you’ve seen the video, you know.)
(Picture of “Pac Man” Paying for stripper’s college tuition everywhere.)
Best 5th Pick - 2001 Chargers trade down and select TCU RB LaDainian Tomlinson
This was a good year for the San Diego Chargers and their GM. They had the worst record in football, so they had the #1 pick in the draft. They traded that pick to Atlanta who selected Michael Vick. San Diego then took LT with Atlanta’s fifth pick and Drew Brees with the first pick in the second round-- heard of him? Yeah, maybe they blew it later by letting Brees go, but they hit two homeruns.
LT made fantasy owners nut in their pants for years. In consecutive seasons he scored 15, 28, 18 and 17, 13 and 14 touchdowns. He has never scored under 10 in any year of his career and last year was the first time he gained under 1,000 yards. LT, the Jets are lucky to have you…even though you suck now.
Worst 5th Pick --
The fifth pick is clearly the pick to have, because I can’t even choose who the worst player of the past 10 years is, they’re all good. I’m leaning towards Rickie Williams, because of what he cost and his first few years and the whole marijuana thing, but he’s good now, he just is. Here are the last ten #5 picks; Jamal Lewis, LT, Quentin Jammer, Terence Newman, Sean Taylor, Carnell Williams, AJ Hawk, Levi Brown, Glenn Dorsey, Mark Sanchez.
Enjoy tonight Chiefs, you’ve got a freebee.
Rickie has had his low points, but mostly, it's been the high life.
Best 4th Pick - 2006 Jets select Virginia OT D’Brickashaw Ferguson
Left tackles aren’t flashy, we know that, but if you’ve seen “The Blind Side,” or better, read the book, you know how important they are. The Brick has started 64 games in a row for the Jets at left tackle, that’s every game he’s been in the league. You think he helped Mark Sanchez make the transition to the NFL? You think he helped Thomas Jones rush for 1,402 yards last year, third most in the league? He’s the real deal, let’s just leave it at that.
Peter Warrick was the jams at FloridaState. I’m going to blame this one on the Bengals. His quarterbacks were Scott Mitchell, Akili Smith and Jon Kitna -- when he sucked, you - “he always sucked!” True, I’m so sorry, Peter.
I think you have to blame the Bengals for this one.
Best 3rd Pick - 2004 Cardinals select Pittsburgh WR Larry Fitzgerald
Any wide receiver who can help lead the Arizona Cardinals to the Super Bowl is really freaking good. Larry Fitzgerald is better than them! Well, he is them, so… Fitzgerald caught a touchdown pass in 18 straight college football games. Most teams don’t score a touchdown in 18 straight games. Larry knows how to catch the damn ball. In the pros, unlike some, he has remembered how. He has over 1,000 yards in 4 of his six professional seasons, over 1,400 in three of them. He’s caught 59 career touchdowns and doesn’t appear to be slowing down anytime soon.
(Honorable Mentions: 2003 Texans - Miami WR Andre Johnson -- and this pick was questioned a lot, “he’s a track guy,” he’s an unreal receiver!, 2000 Redskins - Alabama OT Chris Samuels - Dude didn’t let up a quarterback pressure his senior year at Alabama, think about that)
I really was rooting for this guy. This was a QB draft of QB drafts. The first three picks were; Couch, McNabb and Smith, later in the first round came Dante Culpepper and Cade McNown, all top twelve picks. I was pulling for Smith to be the best of the bunch…I should have pulled harder. That’s what she said. See how I did that? Moving on…
Although Couch, Smith and McNown all sucked big ones, Smith was the worst. His career numbers were 6 touchdowns (5 passing, 1 rushing), 13 interceptions and 14 fumbles. Quarterback is a tough position…it’s not that tough.
(Honorable Mention - 2002 Detroit - Oregon QB Joey Harrington)
Philadelphia never deserved Donovan. They booed him when he walked up on stage at MadisonSquareGarden after the Eagles selected him -- they wanted Ricky Williams -- they have never been satisfied with the four NFC Championship games or the Super Bowl and now they have shipped him off to Washington. GOOD! Go Skins!
McNabb gave and he gave and he gave, and for what?
After all the top picks the Lions have thrown away on shitty wide receivers, insert Charles Rogers and Mike Williams here, the fact that the Lions took Calvin Johnson with the second pick in 2008 shows real balls, or more likely just how dumb they are. I know it paid off, I’m just saying: if you try to motorcycle jump the Grand Canyon twice and fail, somehow managing not to die, you shouldn’t try a third time. That’s just a basic rule of survival, you probably shouldn’t have tried the second time.
Charles Rogers was a big skinny man at MichiganState, he was also a big skinny man for the Detroit Lions…he was also a big skinny man when he fathered 5 children, 2 before he graduated from high school. The problem with big skinny men? They take big hits like big skinny men, and after a good start to his rookie season, 22 catches and 3 touchdowns in his first five games, Rogers broke his collar bone twice and didn’t play the rest of the year. Then he started drinking, kept smoking-- he claims to have smoked everyday -- and a year later he was cut. To add insult to his horrid career-- how many second picks stay on your roster for only two year?-- just this month he was ordered by a judge to repay $6.1 of his $9.1 million signing bonus…think he still has that cash? I’m guessing no.
There really wasn’t a clear cut winner to this. Carson is a top notch QB, but he’s never done anything all that special. One second round playoff game…thrown some touchdowns… Does he really deserve this honor of being the best number one pick of the last ten years? Probably not, but I’m not giving it to Eli Manning, he forced his way to New York like a whiney bitch and his Super Bowl was a fluke and a half. I should have given it to Mario Williams, that pick took balls when everyone was so excited about Reggie Bush. Williams is one of the top DE’s in the league and a game changer, but Reggie got some finger bling this year, and as much as the haters say he’s no good…I think he helps a team with his versatility and his SWAG. So Carson takes it.
(David Tyree picture -- Eli’s Super Bowl...right there… give me those odds in Vegas)
I tried to go other ways, I wanted to, but I saw JaMarcus Russell play last year, so I couldn’t. When he successfully drops the ball off to the Fullback it’s an accomplishment. He completes just over 50% of his passes-- that blows for those of you who don’t just know that-- he has thrown 18 touchdowns to 23 interceptions, is fat, has fumbled 25 times, and was benched for Brad Gradkowski!!! I respect Brad, but even Brad knows there isn’t much worse than getting benched for him. You can tell by how hard Brad tries out there. JaMarcus still has time to turn it around, but until he does… He’s the worst pick of the past ten years.
(Honorable Mention: 2005 49ers - Utah QB Alex Smith, 2002 Texans - Fresno State QB David Carr, 1999 Browns - Kentucky QB Tim Couch)
You can almost tell something is up here.
Statistics That Stand Out
- Lions, Raiders and Bengals combined for 6 of the 9 worst picks. (There was no worst 5th pick)
- 8 of the 10 teams with top picks of the decade made the playoffs last year including all of the top 7.
- 11 of the 19 best or worst were wide receivers or quarterbacks. Huge risk, reward.
- 6 of the 9 worst picks were wide receivers.
- Every bad pick since 2006 was the Raiders (only two: Heyward-Bey and Russell)
- No team had more than one best pick, maybe because they weren’t picking in the top ten anymore.
- The Lions, Raiders and Bengals all had two of the worst picks.
The bad choices definitely jump out at you; however, the main thing I take from this list is how not-that-great the best selections are. Yeah, some of them are elite talents, but most of the best players in the league are taken later in the draft. Obviously this is just a small portion of the total picks, but they are supposed to be the 10 best players each year. (We did just miss #1 overall Payton by a few years.)
What does this mean? Drafting is not a perfect science, college success is not a perfect indication of professional success, neither is a 40-yard dash time, and you might as well go with an offensive or defensive lineman, because although not as flashy, they usually stick around for a while and are pretty safe bets. Nevertheless, there is an incredible amount of skill involved in selecting a future NFL star and the Raiders, Bengals and Lions need to put in some more time or make some changes in how they do it.
It’s been another outstanding season of college football. But how could it not be? This is college football we’re talking about. College football is arguably…no, not arguably, the most exciting sporting season each and every year. The only event that gets me more jacked up(and we’re talking crushing Red Bulls and steroids jacked up) is March Madness and well, if your mind works anything like mine, or President Obama’s, or you’re from Texas, or you just wouldn’t mind seeing a couple more meaningful college football games each year, then you’re ready to see them become a little bit more similar.
Let me start by saying this. I think the BCS got it right this year, sorry Texas. I think that Florida and Oklahoma were the two best teams in the country. Yes, Texas beat Oklahoma by ten, but they also lost to Texas Tech who got spanked Oklahoma 65- 21. I could bore you with stats like Oklahoma played six ranked opponents to Texas’s four, or that Oklahoma beat these ranked opponents by an average of twenty-four points while Texas only beat theirs by an average of eight. But I don’t want to do that. They’re both great teams.
Let me repeat myself. I think the two best teams are playing in the National Championship game this year, but I don’t want to think it. I want to know it. When the 2003 NCAA Basketball Tournament tipped off I thought that Kirk Hinrich, Nick Collison and the rest of the Kansas J-Hawks were the best team in the country, but they weren’t. I know this because Carmelo “Get on my Hairless Freshman Back” Anthony, Gerry “We Wouldn’t Have Won Five Games Without” McNamara (try to correct me here and see what Jim Boeheim has to say) and Hakim “The Block” Warrick led Syracuse to the NCAA championship. I watched that game, Syracuse won.
So let me get right into it. I’ll start by laying down the rules of DB’s Awesome Playoff System. Sixteen teams. Let that sink in for a second, not two, not four, not even eight, sixteen teams. I already have my doubters, I know, but keep reading because like Mario Chalmers with two point one seconds left in last year NCAA Basketball Championship game, I’m about to make you a believer.
There are eleven Division 1 FBS Conferences, don’t make me name them. The winner of EACH of these conferences gets an automatic bid. Did that jock in the next cubical just snort? Did he say “Whoa, are you crazy? Some of those conferences suck.?” Punch him in the face, we’ll get to his gripe later. We still have five more slots. They go to the next five best teams in the country as ranked by the BCS… what? Yes, ranked by the BCS. We may complain about who gets into the championship game sometimes, and is it perfect, not by any means, but the team with a gripe is usually ranked third or fourth, not seventh or eighth. That’s right Penn State, you didn’t deserve to be in the National Championship game. You lost to IOWA!
Now that we have our sixteen teams, how do we rank them? This seems like an easy question, from one to sixteen based on the BCS or the AP or another ranking you like. Then one plays sixteen and so on, but for me, it’s not that easy. I see things through a different light… my dad says it’s turned off. Anyway, if you ask your grandpa what his favorite round of March Madness is, he’ll probably say the finals, the Championship. He doesn’t have time for the first few rounds, he’s going to die soon, he wants to know who the winner is already. If you ask your typical bracket submitter, they might say day one. The most upsets and nonstop action, what’s not to like? And they’d be right, there’s nothing not to like… except for in 2003 when Drew Nicholas hit an absolutely BONKERS three with no time left to lead Maryland over a spirited UNC-Wilmington squad and ending the career of one of my favorite players of all time who I will refer to only as "the Blizzard" (And Goldsberry I remember you went 8 for 8 from three as a Freshman. I cried from five on). BUT if you ask a real diehard, a real psycho, the kind of guy who loses it if you talk while his teams taking a first half free throw. He’ll tell you that the second round it the best. This is the round for the Kent State’s, the Butler’s, the Wicsonson Millwaukee’s, the George Mason’s, the Gonzaga’s (when it was cool to root for them), the UAB’s to really do something special. Turns out that wasn’t a fluke in the first round. We’re good! This is the round where Darnell Archie, Dan Dickau and Stephon Curry became your favorite basketball players and it didn’t matter that they would never be great or even good or in some cases even make it in the NBA because for some people… it’s not about that. It’s about much much more then that. So getting back to football. I have spent many a sleepless night debating whether randomly choosing the first round match ups would work better. This means that the winner of the Sun Belt doesn’t have to play the best team in the country in the first round every year, that Boise St might meet Utah in the first round and we would be guaranteed to have an upset minded team in the second round, set on locking down a spot in the “don’t delete” part of our memories. But randomness also means that Florida and Oklahoma could meet in the first round. And Ugh! We all know that can’t happen. We’re trying to get the TWO BEST TEAMS into the final game. So in the end I digress. It has to be done by ranking, sorry Troy.
So now we have sixteen teams in our playoff. There are a total of… fifteen games, eight, then four, then two, then one, for the counting impaired, and what do you know on Jan. 8th we have an UNDISPUTED NATIONAL CHAMPION!
I know that this has been an extremely basic explanation of the system. That was for a reason. So I do not repeat myself as I attempt do dispel all of the doubters out there who think that this system is garbage.
I will be doing that… now. In a question and answer format.
Well Dressed Man in the Back: What about the bowls? There are thirty-four bowls this year, your playoff system only has fifteen games. Isn’t that a lot of revenue lost?
Me: It shouldn’t be about the money… but it is, and luckily, I realize that. This playoff system will generate MORE…MUCH MORE money then the current bowl system and I honestly don’t think it will be that close. Let me break it down and walk you through it like I’m a seeing eye dog and you’re my blind master(No offense to the bind… but luckily, I doubt they’re reading this). Nobody cares about the EagleBank bowl unless you went to Wake Forest or Navy (the teams playing), work for eagle bank, or have a serious gambling problem. But people watch it because when football is on, people will watch it. The playoff system takes nothing away from these other bowl games. They meant nothing before, they still mean nothing. The same people will watch them, the same people won’t. Now let’s look at the Fiesta Bowl Alabama v. Utah WOW! I love football, but unfortunately I think I’m going to be cleaning out my stove at 8pm on January 2nd. This match up does nothing for me, and quite frankly it means as much as the EagleBank bowl to me. Neither team excites me and the winner… finishes a few notches higher in the polls? Who cares! Now make this a first round match up in the playoffs. I’m canceling my wedding to watch this game. I’m breaking my son’s leg so I don’t have to drive him to soccer practice. I need to know who is moving on to the second round, need to see how good these teams really are, and now rooting for Utah just became a hell of a lot more fun because they have a chance to, dare I say, go to the ball.
Well what about the sponsors? Easy. The big four, Orange, Sugar, Fiesta and Rose rotate every year. One gets the Championship game, two get the semi-finals and one gets the quarter-final game of their choosing, and don’t give me lip that the sponsor getting the quarterfinal game will be unhappy. First of all it’s a rotation, and second, that game will be a current BCS quality match up AND will mean a lot more then the non championship BCS bowls do now. Then you take the other eleven games and let the other bowl sponsors rotate into those slots or lock eleven more sponsors in, I’m not pushy. You think they’re happy? You think those games are making more money then the bowls they used to have? I think so. Hell, I know so. Then, you still play the other bowl games. Why not?! As I said before it is a scientific fact that people will watch football when it’s on. Yes, they aren’t as exciting as the playoff games, but they aren’t any less important then they are now.
Doctor: What about injuries, it seems like teams will be playing a lot of extra games. We don’t want any more injuries.
Me: Good point… if it was true, but it’s not. At least not the way I see it being done. This year several teams played thirteen regular season games, add their bowl, that’s fourteen. Now there is also a little known rule that if you play at Hawaii, that doesn’t count towards your teams allowed 12 regular season games. That means under current NCAA rules a team could play fourteen games in a season. I understand that we don’t want teams playing three or four more games a year, but what’s two teams playing one extra game? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s an undisputed National Champion. My playoff system works with only two teams having to play fifteen games. Here’s how: We take out two non-conference games and we get rid of conference championship games. That’s three less games for each team that played the max. You think anyone from BC is going to cry over not playing Rhode Island and Kent State? You think Penn State will be crushed that Temple and Coastal Carolina won’t be on the schedule? I don’t. Cause they’ll get to play better games this way. Here’s why…
There seems to be a huge problem here. What about those teams that don’t make the playoffs? They play two less games…? Wrong! Here’s the brilliant part. It’s better for these teams too. These teams are matched up by record with other teams across the country to find the best possible match ups. Were you ever in High School? On a football team that didn’t make the state playoffs? I was, four times and we were matched up with another team that had the same ability as ours, to facilitate a good game. Being that my team was always 0-9, it gave is a chance to win a game. I cherished that game. For the fans, not only does it provide some pretty outstanding match ups to watch, it also allows us to see our beloved schools play new teams and form new rivalries. Then, these teams can still go to bowl games and as I have said before and stand firmly behind, these other bowl games lose no luster because there is a playoff.
Angry Mother: What about my son’s studies? Does that not matter anymore? Does no one care about my son’s education?!
Me: Calm down… psycho! Your son’s studies are of the utmost importance and the playoff system does not take away from them. The first two rounds of the playoff can be played the first two weeks of December then the student athletes can have two plus weeks off and the final two rounds can be played the first two weeks of January… lets say on the 1st and the 8th meaning the season would end on the same day as it does this year. That sound good, mom?
Leprechaun: What about the Independents?
Me: Notre Dame has been sneaking its way into BCS games for decades. Join a conference or be one of the next five best teams!
Man in the USC hat: Why should every conference get a team in? Shouldn’t we just let in the best sixteen teams from around the country in?
Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize this was a private party. Let me look in my memory and real off some results for you. In 2008 alone, Boise St. beat Oregon 37-32, Fresno St. beat UCLA 36-31, Utah beat Oregon St. 31-28 a week after Oregon St. beat USC. TCU beat Stanford 31-14, New Mexico beat Arizona 36-28, Ball St. beat Indiana 42-20, UNLV beat Arizona St. 23-20… do you want me to go on? Because I can East Carolina beat Virginia Tech 27-22 and West Virginia 24-3 and there are plenty more. Are you forgetting the single best moments of your life when Boise St. shocked Oklahoma 43-42 in a BCS bowl game? Or when Appalachian St. beat Michigan 34-32 to start of the 2007 season with a bang? Yeah, that’s a Division 1-AA team, and that was before Michigan stunk… well, it might have started it, but nobody knew yet.
Don’t you get it? Boise St. v Florida, I need to watch that game. East Carolina v. Oklahoma, who do I call to get tickets? Texas v Utah, I’m skipping church because I need to be on my couch if Utah pulls the upset off. I need to call my friends before they call me. These games are a HUGE part of the tournaments excitement. Sure, we’ll most likely get the big time schools moving on past the first round, we’ll get those big time games we want. But I PROMISE, that these smaller conference school will play hard, will play to win, and will give us a few upsets that we will never forget.
So let’s give it a test run. What would we be in for this year if I had my way, and how do I think it would play out..
1. Oklahoma v. 16. Troy - 1. Oklahoma wins.
8. Penn State v. 9. Boise State - 9. Boise State wins.
5. USC v. 12. Cincinnati - 5. USC wins.
4. Alabama v. 13. Va Tech - 4. Alabama wins.
3. Texas v. 14. E. Carolina - 3. Texas wins.
6. Utah v. 11. TCU - 11. TCU wins.
7. Texas Tech v. 10. Ohio State - 7. Texas Tech wins.
2. Florida v. 15. Buffalo - 2. Florida wins.
Round two:
1. Oklahoma v. 9. Boise St. - 1. Oklahoma wins.
5. USC v. 4. Alabama - 5. USC wins.
3. Texas v. 11. TCU - 3. Texas wins.
2. Florida v. 7. Texas Tech - 2. Florida wins.
Round three:
1. Oklahoma v. 5. USC - Oklahoma wins.
2. Florida v. 3. Texas - Florida wins.
Finals:
1. Oklahoma v. Florida - 2. Florida wins. We’ll see if I’m right in a few weeks.
See any match ups you’d like? Maybe a rematch between Oklahoma and Boise St. in the second round tickles your fancy? How about a final four of Oklahoma, USC, Texas and Florida!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? I see fifteen match ups I would watch. This would change lives. It might cure cancer, end civil wars, revive the stock market, but we’ll never know if we don’t give it a chance. I’m in… are you?
