Schools With Unreal Sleeper Potential

 This guy knows a thing or two about getting slept on...and urinated on...

Even if you know nothing about sports, all you need is one year of high school to understand this. Certain colleges are sports powerhouses, just like certain high school guys are sex powerhouses; they get what they want. Flip through your high school yearbook for a second. I’m going to assume there were some pretty hot girls and some really cool guys, you probably liked to think that you were one of them, but truthfully…you most likely weren’t. These cool guys are the top college football programs and these hot girls are the most prized recruits. Hot girls and cool guys are hooking up, going out, doing “it” while college recruits are signing at top schools.

It seems reasonable to assume that after a cool guy gets with a hot girl, that guy becomes slightly less desirable to the other hot girls at the school. You don’t want to be a hussy right? Surprisingly, not the case. As much as they want you to think they are complicated, high school girls will hook up with him if he's a cool, good looking guy. They probably want to even more if he's taken.

 Think John Tucker Must Die... Think it, don't watch it.

It’s the same way for colleges and recruits. When one recruit goes to a college, he only makes it a more attractive school. Yes, being the first guy to get with a girl is cool -- as long as you love her -- but you have to put in months and months of face time, spend money, act like you care about her problems -- mostly just her period and zits at this point -- it takes work. If you could go to Florida and have a great chance to win next year, or go to Tulsa and maybe have an outside chance if you do everything right as a senior? You’re going to Florida.

 I'm thinking Florida, but maybe that's just me... Maybe not.

It starts with football, the sport that brings home the dollars, and trickles down to the other sports, like badminton and Frisbee golf. The cool guys always get the hot babes, while the average guys are left hooking up with chubby girls- hoping they shed the weight, clean up the eating habits, and start showering daily.

The major conferences are the Big Ten, Big East, SEC, Big 12, ACC and Pac 10 -- this almost looked a lot different. If one of these schools doesn’t win the championship, something magical has happened.

Look at the recent champions and who they have played. I’ve bolded the non-major conference teams for you.

Football

2009: Alabama over Texas

2008: Florida over Oklahoma

2007: LSU over Ohio State

2006: Florida over Ohio State

Basketball

2010: Duke over Butler

2009: UNC over Michigan St.

2008: Kansas over Memphis (According to the NCAA - this never really happened)

2007: Florida over Ohio State

2006: Florida over Ohio State

 This really wasn't a "mid-major"

Baseball

2009: LSU over Texas

2008: Fresno St. over Georgia

2007: Oregon St. over UNC

2006: Oregon St. over UNC

Soccer

2009: Virginia over Akron

2008 Maryland over UNC

2007: Wake Forest over Ohio State

2006: UC Santa Barbra over UCLA

Softball

2010: UCLA over Arizona

2009: Washington over Florida

2008: Arizona St. over Texas A&M

2007: Arizona over Tennessee

2006: Arizona over Northwestern

Women’s Basketball Champion

2010: UConn over Stanford

2009: UConn over Louisville

2008: Tennessee over Stanford

2007: Tennessee over Rutgers

2006: Maryland over Duke

Women’s Soccer

2009: UNC over Stanford

2008: UNC over Notre Dame

2007: USC over Florida State

2006: UNC over Notre Dame

I’ll crunch these numbers for those of you who didn’t watch Sesame Street. Over the past 5 years, five of the sixty-two teams to reach the finals have been from non-major conference schools, that’s 8%. Of these finalists, one of them, Memphis, had their season erased because they cheated -- if you consider paying someone to take the SAT for you cheating; I don’t -- and of the other four, only two won the championship, 3%. None of the twenty-four teams to make the finals in women’s sports were non-major conference schools.

 Five. One, two, three, four, five non-major conference schools.

What does this all mean? It’s what midgets know about playing in the NBA, what porn stars have come to grips with about a career in politics, and what nerds eventually learn about having great, passionate, meaningful sex with a girl… it’s just not going to happen! Schools from lesser conferences have little chance to compete for a national championship or become a national power. They don’t have the resources, the brand name or the hot babes to give wicked, mind clouding, sign on the dotted line blow jobs on recruiting visits-- 22% of recruits make their decisions based on quality of blow job. FACT!

 You'd have to be crazy to factor in anything else really.

How-EVAH! I have compiled a list of potential breakout non-major conference schools. These are schools with a special something that provides them a unique opportunity to rise above their woeful conferences and do something special. Here are…

Schools With Unreal Sleeper Potential

Hawaii

They recruit an entire state like no one else can. Well, maybe Alaska, but the snow people of the oil lands aren’t good at sports, so screw ‘em. To leave New Jersey for New York you can drive, call a cab, take a train, bus, walk, it’s super easy. To get from Hawaii to anywhere you’re taking a five-plus hour plane ride or a long ass boat ride, and I don’t think boat is realistically an option anymore.

 I've never been there, but from what people have told me, this is Hawaii

I know Hawaii isn’t exactly a hotbed of athletic talent, but they stay in shape so they can look their best at the beach, they have rock solid huge Samoan brothers, and there is a ton of state pride. If you can keep the top talent from any state, maybe sans Rhode Island, Alaska, Montana and the Dakota sisters, you have a chance. Every few years you have to get some top notch players, how can’t you? This is America, the melting pot of opportunity! Just last year Hawaii had one of the top recruits in the nation, Manti Te’o, a linebacker with safety speed and defensive end strength, but they couldn’t keep him. Unfortunately, this time the recruit chose to go to Notre Dame. In the future though? Who knows? If they can ever trade in their turf for grass and improve their other facilities. Hawaii might be saying, “hele mei hoohiwahiwa” all the way to the national championship, because when you get one or two, the rest will follow.  

BYU

 Now that is a place I could pray

Screw states! There are fifty of those suckers. I’ll take a religion please! BYU recruits an entire religion like nobody's business!-- Notre Dame does pretty well with the Catholics...at least they used to, but no one does it like BYU. I have a few Mormon friends, some of the nicest people I know, but they are also wicked good athletes and guess what? They all went to BYU. I don’t even think they applied anywhere else. Add to that the fact that they go on two year missions so they are two years older than everyone else and the fact that they rarely leave early because academics matter -- this is a generalization, but come on…it’s true -- and BYU is a force to be reckoned with. Maybe that’s why they won the 1984 National Championship in football and are constantly making noise in other sports. Steve Young people, Steve Young.

Boise State.

BLUE EFFING TURF. I know it sounds stupid, but the best decision Boise St. ever made was to get blue turf for their football field…and to run the statue of liberty play in the Sugar Bowl, but the turf came first. It put them on the map. At first it looked weird, was a novelty, a gimmick, now it’s Boise St. Everyone knows about the blue turf, it got them on TV and it eventually got them better recruits, because when more recruits know about you, more are going to choose you; every celebrity knows that.

 Blue - Turf

Now on the map, Boise St. is capitalizing. They’re in the hunt in football every year and they made the NCAA tournament in basketball in 2009. Watch out for their other sports to follow shortly- Boise St. is here to stay.

TCU - Really Any School in Texas, Florida or California

I learned this one playing NCAA Football 2004 Dynasty Mode. If you’re in Texas, you’re going to get good players. There are too many good players in Texas! All you need is a couple to fly under the radar, want to stay close to home, and get wicked awesome bj’s on their recruiting visit-- FACT! Look at TCU, they are a football juggernaut, they gave birth to LaDainian Tomlinson, they were a semifinalist at this year's college World Series…

 This game also taught me the affects fourteen hours of gaming a day has on school work

Smaller schools from these states have a huge advantage that other smaller schools don’t. With smaller recruiting budgets, they can still recruit a ton of talent right in their backyard. It’s good to be from one of the big three.

Navy - or Army or Air Force

 If the Navy was more like this, it would be a lot cooler

A proud few…or is that the Marines? It doesn’t matter, if you join any of the armed services, the US is proud of you. Certain men and women know that they want to serve their country, they have the itch. Sometimes these men and women are good at sports. Take David Robinson for example, best player in the nation his senior year at Navy. The armed services used to dominate sports, early 1900’s they were the jams, winning football championships, fighting wars, only assuming the missionary position during sex, they almost had it all. They could again. No other university has a student body in better shape, that’s for sure. All they need is a few good men to bring them back to the top.

Cornell

The least smart of the smart schools-- if you’re smart you’re following me so far. Unfortunately, they don’t play D1A football, but their other sports are D1A. I know most athletes with professional aspirations don’t care about academics, they don’t want to work hard, and they really don’t want to be making face with Ivy League girls, but there have to be a few that would like a backup plan, right? John Wall had a 3.5 GPA at Kentucky, probably because his teachers were assistant coaches on the basketball team, but still. If even one out of thirty great athletes would love a fallback plan if they aren’t as good as they think, or get injured, Cornell could kill it! They are the biggest Ivy and they have the easiest admissions-- it’s still by no means easy, but if you’re a great athlete, they can make exceptions Yale can’t.

 Cornell needs to update its image

There is no reason that Cornell shouldn’t be in the sweet sixteen in basketball every year. There aren’t 5 great basketball players around the country who want a great education??? Come on people!

Listen, it’s not going to happen this year, and it probably won’t happen next year, but some year…these schools are coming to a championship game near you- hell, they’ve probably already been there at some point. They aren’t your average place holder, so-so, “we have athletics schools”, these schools have potential and I think they’re about to start cashing in on it. Think Kristen Stewart with bigger breasts and the ability to smile.

December Madness Anyone?

It’s been another outstanding season of college football. But how could it not be? This is college football we’re talking about. College football is arguably…no, not arguably, the most exciting sporting season each and every year. The only event that gets me more jacked up(and we’re talking crushing Red Bulls and steroids jacked up) is March Madness and well, if your mind works anything like mine, or President Obama’s, or you’re from Texas, or you just wouldn’t mind seeing a couple more meaningful college football games each year, then you’re ready to see them become a little bit more similar.

Let me start by saying this. I think the BCS got it right this year, sorry Texas. I think that Florida and Oklahoma were the two best teams in the country. Yes, Texas beat Oklahoma by ten, but they also lost to Texas Tech who got spanked Oklahoma 65- 21. I could bore you with stats like Oklahoma played six ranked opponents to Texas’s four, or that Oklahoma beat these ranked opponents by an average of twenty-four points while Texas only beat theirs by an average of eight. But I don’t want to do that. They’re both great teams.

Let me repeat myself. I think the two best teams are playing in the National Championship game this year, but I don’t want to think it. I want to know it. When the 2003 NCAA Basketball Tournament tipped off I thought that Kirk Hinrich, Nick Collison and the rest of the Kansas J-Hawks were the best team in the country, but they weren’t. I know this because Carmelo “Get on my Hairless Freshman Back” Anthony, Gerry “We Wouldn’t Have Won Five Games Without” McNamara (try to correct me here and see what Jim Boeheim has to say) and Hakim “The Block” Warrick led Syracuse to the NCAA championship. I watched that game, Syracuse won.

So let me get right into it. I’ll start by laying down the rules of DB’s Awesome Playoff System. Sixteen teams. Let that sink in for a second, not two, not four, not even eight, sixteen teams. I already have my doubters, I know, but keep reading because like Mario Chalmers with two point one seconds left in last year NCAA Basketball Championship game, I’m about to make you a believer.

There are eleven Division 1 FBS Conferences, don’t make me name them. The winner of EACH of these conferences gets an automatic bid. Did that jock in the next cubical just snort? Did he say “Whoa, are you crazy? Some of those conferences suck.?” Punch him in the face, we’ll get to his gripe later. We still have five more slots. They go to the next five best teams in the country as ranked by the BCS… what? Yes, ranked by the BCS. We may complain about who gets into the championship game sometimes, and is it perfect, not by any means, but the team with a gripe is usually ranked third or fourth, not seventh or eighth. That’s right Penn State, you didn’t deserve to be in the National Championship game. You lost to IOWA!

Now that we have our sixteen teams, how do we rank them? This seems like an easy question, from one to sixteen based on the BCS or the AP or another ranking you like. Then one plays sixteen and so on, but for me, it’s not that easy. I see things through a different light… my dad says it’s turned off. Anyway, if you ask your grandpa what his favorite round of March Madness is, he’ll probably say the finals, the Championship. He doesn’t have time for the first few rounds, he’s going to die soon, he wants to know who the winner is already. If you ask your typical bracket submitter, they might say day one. The most upsets and nonstop action, what’s not to like? And they’d be right, there’s nothing not to like… except for in 2003 when Drew Nicholas hit an absolutely BONKERS three with no time left to lead Maryland over a spirited UNC-Wilmington squad and ending the career of one of my favorite players of all time who I will refer to only as "the Blizzard" (And Goldsberry I remember you went 8 for 8 from three as a Freshman. I cried from five on). BUT if you ask a real diehard, a real psycho, the kind of guy who loses it if you talk while his teams taking a first half free throw. He’ll tell you that the second round it the best. This is the round for the Kent State’s, the Butler’s, the Wicsonson Millwaukee’s, the George Mason’s, the Gonzaga’s (when it was cool to root for them), the UAB’s to really do something special. Turns out that wasn’t a fluke in the first round. We’re good! This is the round where Darnell Archie, Dan Dickau and Stephon Curry became your favorite basketball players and it didn’t matter that they would never be great or even good or in some cases even make it in the NBA because for some people… it’s not about that. It’s about much much more then that. So getting back to football. I have spent many a sleepless night debating whether randomly choosing the first round match ups would work better. This means that the winner of the Sun Belt doesn’t have to play the best team in the country in the first round every year, that Boise St might meet Utah in the first round and we would be guaranteed to have an upset minded team in the second round, set on locking down a spot in the “don’t delete” part of our memories. But randomness also means that Florida and Oklahoma could meet in the first round. And Ugh! We all know that can’t happen. We’re trying to get the TWO BEST TEAMS into the final game. So in the end I digress. It has to be done by ranking, sorry Troy.

So now we have sixteen teams in our playoff. There are a total of… fifteen games, eight, then four, then two, then one, for the counting impaired, and what do you know on Jan. 8th we have an UNDISPUTED NATIONAL CHAMPION!

I know that this has been an extremely basic explanation of the system. That was for a reason. So I do not repeat myself as I attempt do dispel all of the doubters out there who think that this system is garbage.

I will be doing that… now. In a question and answer format.

Well Dressed Man in the Back: What about the bowls? There are thirty-four bowls this year, your playoff system only has fifteen games. Isn’t that a lot of revenue lost?

Me: It shouldn’t be about the money… but it is, and luckily, I realize that. This playoff system will generate MORE…MUCH MORE money then the current bowl system and I honestly don’t think it will be that close. Let me break it down and walk you through it like I’m a seeing eye dog and you’re my blind master(No offense to the bind… but luckily, I doubt they’re reading this). Nobody cares about the EagleBank bowl unless you went to Wake Forest or Navy (the teams playing), work for eagle bank, or have a serious gambling problem. But people watch it because when football is on, people will watch it. The playoff system takes nothing away from these other bowl games. They meant nothing before, they still mean nothing. The same people will watch them, the same people won’t. Now let’s look at the Fiesta Bowl Alabama v. Utah WOW! I love football, but unfortunately I think I’m going to be cleaning out my stove at 8pm on January 2nd. This match up does nothing for me, and quite frankly it means as much as the EagleBank bowl to me. Neither team excites me and the winner… finishes a few notches higher in the polls? Who cares! Now make this a first round match up in the playoffs. I’m canceling my wedding to watch this game. I’m breaking my son’s leg so I don’t have to drive him to soccer practice. I need to know who is moving on to the second round, need to see how good these teams really are, and now rooting for Utah just became a hell of a lot more fun because they have a chance to, dare I say, go to the ball.

Well what about the sponsors? Easy. The big four, Orange, Sugar, Fiesta and Rose rotate every year. One gets the Championship game, two get the semi-finals and one gets the quarter-final game of their choosing, and don’t give me lip that the sponsor getting the quarterfinal game will be unhappy. First of all it’s a rotation, and second, that game will be a current BCS quality match up AND will mean a lot more then the non championship BCS bowls do now. Then you take the other eleven games and let the other bowl sponsors rotate into those slots or lock eleven more sponsors in, I’m not pushy. You think they’re happy? You think those games are making more money then the bowls they used to have? I think so. Hell, I know so. Then, you still play the other bowl games. Why not?! As I said before it is a scientific fact that people will watch football when it’s on. Yes, they aren’t as exciting as the playoff games, but they aren’t any less important then they are now.

Doctor: What about injuries, it seems like teams will be playing a lot of extra games. We don’t want any more injuries.

Me: Good point… if it was true, but it’s not. At least not the way I see it being done. This year several teams played thirteen regular season games, add their bowl, that’s fourteen. Now there is also a little known rule that if you play at Hawaii, that doesn’t count towards your teams allowed 12 regular season games. That means under current NCAA rules a team could play fourteen games in a season. I understand that we don’t want teams playing three or four more games a year, but what’s two teams playing one extra game? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s an undisputed National Champion. My playoff system works with only two teams having to play fifteen games. Here’s how: We take out two non-conference games and we get rid of conference championship games. That’s three less games for each team that played the max. You think anyone from BC is going to cry over not playing Rhode Island and Kent State? You think Penn State will be crushed that Temple and Coastal Carolina won’t be on the schedule? I don’t. Cause they’ll get to play better games this way. Here’s why…

There seems to be a huge problem here. What about those teams that don’t make the playoffs? They play two less games…? Wrong! Here’s the brilliant part. It’s better for these teams too. These teams are matched up by record with other teams across the country to find the best possible match ups. Were you ever in High School? On a football team that didn’t make the state playoffs? I was, four times and we were matched up with another team that had the same ability as ours, to facilitate a good game. Being that my team was always 0-9, it gave is a chance to win a game. I cherished that game. For the fans, not only does it provide some pretty outstanding match ups to watch, it also allows us to see our beloved schools play new teams and form new rivalries. Then, these teams can still go to bowl games and as I have said before and stand firmly behind, these other bowl games lose no luster because there is a playoff.

Angry Mother: What about my son’s studies? Does that not matter anymore? Does no one care about my son’s education?!

Me: Calm down… psycho! Your son’s studies are of the utmost importance and the playoff system does not take away from them. The first two rounds of the playoff can be played the first two weeks of December then the student athletes can have two plus weeks off and the final two rounds can be played the first two weeks of January… lets say on the 1st and the 8th meaning the season would end on the same day as it does this year. That sound good, mom?

Leprechaun: What about the Independents?

Me: Notre Dame has been sneaking its way into BCS games for decades. Join a conference or be one of the next five best teams!

Man in the USC hat: Why should every conference get a team in? Shouldn’t we just let in the best sixteen teams from around the country in?

Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize this was a private party. Let me look in my memory and real off some results for you. In 2008 alone, Boise St. beat Oregon 37-32, Fresno St. beat UCLA 36-31, Utah beat Oregon St. 31-28 a week after Oregon St. beat USC. TCU beat Stanford 31-14, New Mexico beat Arizona 36-28, Ball St. beat Indiana 42-20, UNLV beat Arizona St. 23-20… do you want me to go on? Because I can East Carolina beat Virginia Tech 27-22 and West Virginia 24-3 and there are plenty more. Are you forgetting the single best moments of your life when Boise St. shocked Oklahoma 43-42 in a BCS bowl game? Or when Appalachian St. beat Michigan 34-32 to start of the 2007 season with a bang? Yeah, that’s a Division 1-AA team, and that was before Michigan stunk… well, it might have started it, but nobody knew yet.

Don’t you get it? Boise St. v Florida, I need to watch that game. East Carolina v. Oklahoma, who do I call to get tickets? Texas v Utah, I’m skipping church because I need to be on my couch if Utah pulls the upset off. I need to call my friends before they call me. These games are a HUGE part of the tournaments excitement. Sure, we’ll most likely get the big time schools moving on past the first round, we’ll get those big time games we want. But I PROMISE, that these smaller conference school will play hard, will play to win, and will give us a few upsets that we will never forget.

So let’s give it a test run. What would we be in for this year if I had my way, and how do I think it would play out..

1. Oklahoma v. 16. Troy - 1. Oklahoma wins.
8. Penn State v. 9. Boise State - 9. Boise State wins.
5. USC v. 12. Cincinnati - 5. USC wins.
4. Alabama v. 13. Va Tech - 4. Alabama wins.
3. Texas v. 14. E. Carolina - 3. Texas wins.
6. Utah v. 11. TCU - 11. TCU wins.
7. Texas Tech v. 10. Ohio State - 7. Texas Tech wins.
2. Florida v. 15. Buffalo - 2. Florida wins.

Round two:
1. Oklahoma v. 9. Boise St. - 1. Oklahoma wins.
5. USC v. 4. Alabama - 5. USC wins.
3. Texas v. 11. TCU - 3. Texas wins.
2. Florida v. 7. Texas Tech - 2. Florida wins.

Round three:
1. Oklahoma v. 5. USC - Oklahoma wins.
2. Florida v. 3. Texas - Florida wins.

Finals:
1. Oklahoma v. Florida - 2. Florida wins. We’ll see if I’m right in a few weeks.

See any match ups you’d like? Maybe a rematch between Oklahoma and Boise St. in the second round tickles your fancy? How about a final four of Oklahoma, USC, Texas and Florida!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? I see fifteen match ups I would watch. This would change lives. It might cure cancer, end civil wars, revive the stock market, but we’ll never know if we don’t give it a chance. I’m in… are you?