Schools With Unreal Sleeper Potential

 This guy knows a thing or two about getting slept on...and urinated on...

Even if you know nothing about sports, all you need is one year of high school to understand this. Certain colleges are sports powerhouses, just like certain high school guys are sex powerhouses; they get what they want. Flip through your high school yearbook for a second. I’m going to assume there were some pretty hot girls and some really cool guys, you probably liked to think that you were one of them, but truthfully…you most likely weren’t. These cool guys are the top college football programs and these hot girls are the most prized recruits. Hot girls and cool guys are hooking up, going out, doing “it” while college recruits are signing at top schools.

It seems reasonable to assume that after a cool guy gets with a hot girl, that guy becomes slightly less desirable to the other hot girls at the school. You don’t want to be a hussy right? Surprisingly, not the case. As much as they want you to think they are complicated, high school girls will hook up with him if he's a cool, good looking guy. They probably want to even more if he's taken.

 Think John Tucker Must Die... Think it, don't watch it.

It’s the same way for colleges and recruits. When one recruit goes to a college, he only makes it a more attractive school. Yes, being the first guy to get with a girl is cool -- as long as you love her -- but you have to put in months and months of face time, spend money, act like you care about her problems -- mostly just her period and zits at this point -- it takes work. If you could go to Florida and have a great chance to win next year, or go to Tulsa and maybe have an outside chance if you do everything right as a senior? You’re going to Florida.

 I'm thinking Florida, but maybe that's just me... Maybe not.

It starts with football, the sport that brings home the dollars, and trickles down to the other sports, like badminton and Frisbee golf. The cool guys always get the hot babes, while the average guys are left hooking up with chubby girls- hoping they shed the weight, clean up the eating habits, and start showering daily.

The major conferences are the Big Ten, Big East, SEC, Big 12, ACC and Pac 10 -- this almost looked a lot different. If one of these schools doesn’t win the championship, something magical has happened.

Look at the recent champions and who they have played. I’ve bolded the non-major conference teams for you.

Football

2009: Alabama over Texas

2008: Florida over Oklahoma

2007: LSU over Ohio State

2006: Florida over Ohio State

Basketball

2010: Duke over Butler

2009: UNC over Michigan St.

2008: Kansas over Memphis (According to the NCAA - this never really happened)

2007: Florida over Ohio State

2006: Florida over Ohio State

 This really wasn't a "mid-major"

Baseball

2009: LSU over Texas

2008: Fresno St. over Georgia

2007: Oregon St. over UNC

2006: Oregon St. over UNC

Soccer

2009: Virginia over Akron

2008 Maryland over UNC

2007: Wake Forest over Ohio State

2006: UC Santa Barbra over UCLA

Softball

2010: UCLA over Arizona

2009: Washington over Florida

2008: Arizona St. over Texas A&M

2007: Arizona over Tennessee

2006: Arizona over Northwestern

Women’s Basketball Champion

2010: UConn over Stanford

2009: UConn over Louisville

2008: Tennessee over Stanford

2007: Tennessee over Rutgers

2006: Maryland over Duke

Women’s Soccer

2009: UNC over Stanford

2008: UNC over Notre Dame

2007: USC over Florida State

2006: UNC over Notre Dame

I’ll crunch these numbers for those of you who didn’t watch Sesame Street. Over the past 5 years, five of the sixty-two teams to reach the finals have been from non-major conference schools, that’s 8%. Of these finalists, one of them, Memphis, had their season erased because they cheated -- if you consider paying someone to take the SAT for you cheating; I don’t -- and of the other four, only two won the championship, 3%. None of the twenty-four teams to make the finals in women’s sports were non-major conference schools.

 Five. One, two, three, four, five non-major conference schools.

What does this all mean? It’s what midgets know about playing in the NBA, what porn stars have come to grips with about a career in politics, and what nerds eventually learn about having great, passionate, meaningful sex with a girl… it’s just not going to happen! Schools from lesser conferences have little chance to compete for a national championship or become a national power. They don’t have the resources, the brand name or the hot babes to give wicked, mind clouding, sign on the dotted line blow jobs on recruiting visits-- 22% of recruits make their decisions based on quality of blow job. FACT!

 You'd have to be crazy to factor in anything else really.

How-EVAH! I have compiled a list of potential breakout non-major conference schools. These are schools with a special something that provides them a unique opportunity to rise above their woeful conferences and do something special. Here are…

Schools With Unreal Sleeper Potential

Hawaii

They recruit an entire state like no one else can. Well, maybe Alaska, but the snow people of the oil lands aren’t good at sports, so screw ‘em. To leave New Jersey for New York you can drive, call a cab, take a train, bus, walk, it’s super easy. To get from Hawaii to anywhere you’re taking a five-plus hour plane ride or a long ass boat ride, and I don’t think boat is realistically an option anymore.

 I've never been there, but from what people have told me, this is Hawaii

I know Hawaii isn’t exactly a hotbed of athletic talent, but they stay in shape so they can look their best at the beach, they have rock solid huge Samoan brothers, and there is a ton of state pride. If you can keep the top talent from any state, maybe sans Rhode Island, Alaska, Montana and the Dakota sisters, you have a chance. Every few years you have to get some top notch players, how can’t you? This is America, the melting pot of opportunity! Just last year Hawaii had one of the top recruits in the nation, Manti Te’o, a linebacker with safety speed and defensive end strength, but they couldn’t keep him. Unfortunately, this time the recruit chose to go to Notre Dame. In the future though? Who knows? If they can ever trade in their turf for grass and improve their other facilities. Hawaii might be saying, “hele mei hoohiwahiwa” all the way to the national championship, because when you get one or two, the rest will follow.  

BYU

 Now that is a place I could pray

Screw states! There are fifty of those suckers. I’ll take a religion please! BYU recruits an entire religion like nobody's business!-- Notre Dame does pretty well with the Catholics...at least they used to, but no one does it like BYU. I have a few Mormon friends, some of the nicest people I know, but they are also wicked good athletes and guess what? They all went to BYU. I don’t even think they applied anywhere else. Add to that the fact that they go on two year missions so they are two years older than everyone else and the fact that they rarely leave early because academics matter -- this is a generalization, but come on…it’s true -- and BYU is a force to be reckoned with. Maybe that’s why they won the 1984 National Championship in football and are constantly making noise in other sports. Steve Young people, Steve Young.

Boise State.

BLUE EFFING TURF. I know it sounds stupid, but the best decision Boise St. ever made was to get blue turf for their football field…and to run the statue of liberty play in the Sugar Bowl, but the turf came first. It put them on the map. At first it looked weird, was a novelty, a gimmick, now it’s Boise St. Everyone knows about the blue turf, it got them on TV and it eventually got them better recruits, because when more recruits know about you, more are going to choose you; every celebrity knows that.

 Blue - Turf

Now on the map, Boise St. is capitalizing. They’re in the hunt in football every year and they made the NCAA tournament in basketball in 2009. Watch out for their other sports to follow shortly- Boise St. is here to stay.

TCU - Really Any School in Texas, Florida or California

I learned this one playing NCAA Football 2004 Dynasty Mode. If you’re in Texas, you’re going to get good players. There are too many good players in Texas! All you need is a couple to fly under the radar, want to stay close to home, and get wicked awesome bj’s on their recruiting visit-- FACT! Look at TCU, they are a football juggernaut, they gave birth to LaDainian Tomlinson, they were a semifinalist at this year's college World Series…

 This game also taught me the affects fourteen hours of gaming a day has on school work

Smaller schools from these states have a huge advantage that other smaller schools don’t. With smaller recruiting budgets, they can still recruit a ton of talent right in their backyard. It’s good to be from one of the big three.

Navy - or Army or Air Force

 If the Navy was more like this, it would be a lot cooler

A proud few…or is that the Marines? It doesn’t matter, if you join any of the armed services, the US is proud of you. Certain men and women know that they want to serve their country, they have the itch. Sometimes these men and women are good at sports. Take David Robinson for example, best player in the nation his senior year at Navy. The armed services used to dominate sports, early 1900’s they were the jams, winning football championships, fighting wars, only assuming the missionary position during sex, they almost had it all. They could again. No other university has a student body in better shape, that’s for sure. All they need is a few good men to bring them back to the top.

Cornell

The least smart of the smart schools-- if you’re smart you’re following me so far. Unfortunately, they don’t play D1A football, but their other sports are D1A. I know most athletes with professional aspirations don’t care about academics, they don’t want to work hard, and they really don’t want to be making face with Ivy League girls, but there have to be a few that would like a backup plan, right? John Wall had a 3.5 GPA at Kentucky, probably because his teachers were assistant coaches on the basketball team, but still. If even one out of thirty great athletes would love a fallback plan if they aren’t as good as they think, or get injured, Cornell could kill it! They are the biggest Ivy and they have the easiest admissions-- it’s still by no means easy, but if you’re a great athlete, they can make exceptions Yale can’t.

 Cornell needs to update its image

There is no reason that Cornell shouldn’t be in the sweet sixteen in basketball every year. There aren’t 5 great basketball players around the country who want a great education??? Come on people!

Listen, it’s not going to happen this year, and it probably won’t happen next year, but some year…these schools are coming to a championship game near you- hell, they’ve probably already been there at some point. They aren’t your average place holder, so-so, “we have athletics schools”, these schools have potential and I think they’re about to start cashing in on it. Think Kristen Stewart with bigger breasts and the ability to smile.

Falling in Love with March Madness

March Madness is down to 16 teams. So unless you went to undergrad (yes, only undergrad) at one of the schools left, are in the mix to win some serious money, or are a huge douche, it's time to throw away your bracket and start rooting with your heart (or mine if yours doesn't steer you towards Cornell, Northern Iowa and St. Mary's. Did I forget a team? No. I do not believe I did.).

I'll be the first to admit that each year on Thursday afternoon as the tournament begins, I sit down with my bracket and I root for the teams I've selected. How can I not? The bracket is a major reason why the tournament is so special. However, as large cross outs start to fill up my bracket my mindset changes.

This year, as per usual, as the sweet sixteen rolls around my bracket doesn't give me much to root for. Unfortunately, Siena, UTEP, New Mexico St., Marquette, Oklahoma St., Texas and Richmond didn't make it to the sweet sixteen. In fact, NONE OF THEM EVEN MADE IT TO THE SECOND ROUND! Add the fact that I cheered as my National Championship pick (Kansas) got knocked off and you have someone who doesn't really care about his (2.3% on ESPN) bracket any more... WHICH IS GREAT! Honestly, it's like walking in on your controlling girl friend cheating on you -- You finally have a reason to be free of this unruly succubus. It's time to follow your heart.

If you haven't already, it's time to fall in love. First round upsets are great, but they happen, and if you blink they've been knocked off in the second round two days later. Realistically, a team needs to make the sweet sixteen to fully capture our imagination. The teams that have done that this year? Northern Iowa, St. Mary's and Cornell.

 With a win against Kentucky, Cornell could finally afford some new jerseys.

The reason I don't include #11 Washington in this group is because I hate them. I hate any major conference team that sneaks into the tournament and then thinks they are a Cinderella Story when they win a few games. In my opinion, all under achieving major conference teams should be given 8 or 9 seeds (the seeds of death). Let them play a game and then get bounced by a one seed. Let's look at the past few years of #1 seed action. Yes, Alabama knocked off a horrible #1 in Stanford in 2005, but the other two upsets, both over #1 overall seeds, Northern Iowa over Kansas this year and UAB over Kentucky in 2004. Two scrappy hardworking TEAMS! Those are the teams we want to see more of. Screw off underachieving major conference teams.

So this year we have Northern Iowa, St. Mary's and Cornell. We already fell in love with Northern Iowa last weekend, but she's a real chill girl and lets us be in an open relationship. St. Mary's is more of an on-the-side-lover. We love her when we're with her, but when she's out of sight...she's out of mind. Finally, we have Cornell, ohhhhhhh Cornell how I love thee. Cornell is that girl you are so fucking close to asking out. You want to love her with all the passion of your heart, but part of you knows she couldn’t love you back. Something deep down inside of you knows that if you give her everything you have and she doesn't give you anything back...you may never be able to love again.

That is what makes Kentucky v. Cornell the most compelling game of this NCAA tournament and probably the most compelling game since #1 UConn played #11 George Mason for a spot in the Final Four. No one will blame Cornell if they can't keep up with the size and strength of Kentucky. They made a great run, they don't give scholarships, they're thinking about their homework that's pilling up back on campus, but what if they do?!?!?!?!?! What if they aren't scared? What if they hit their threes and play scrappy “nothing to lose” defense? What if they make it a game and have a chance to pull off the greatest upset in the history of March? What if they do love you back?

What if Cornell does love you but you were too big of a pussy to ask her out? Could you live with that?

Each and every year the NCAA tournament delivers. There are always upsets and Cinderella stories (cough) except last year, but this game is different. It's better! An Ivy League school with two NCAA tournament wins, both coming this year, against an SEC team that has the most tournament wins of all time, 104. Kentucky has two top 5 picks in the upcoming NBA draft and 4 potential top twelve picks (Wall, Cousins, Patterson and Bledsoe)! Cornell players are scheduling job interviews from the team bus.

If you're not putting your heart and soul behind this Cornell team (that it appears hasn't had funding for new uniforms in 120 years) then maybe you should be watching something else. I think there’s bowling on ESPN2…