1-2-3-Dead! -- Sports Edition

So you've just watched three baseball games in a row, but it's a QUADRUPLE HEADER! and your girlfriend won't let you play video games because she just loves the Houston Astros (It's not going to work out, she's a closet lesbo). As the Royals come to bat in the bottom of the first -- it's interleague play -- you're attention starts to wander, you think; “I wonder what the craziest way for that player to die right now is.” That guy - the one fingering his butt crack in center field, what would have to happen for him to be on the ground dead next time I look up from my lightly toasted, chipotle dressed, foot long Italian BMT?

Naturally, you have your random heart failure, seizure, or sniper, but those don’t count-- they could happen to anyone at anytime. Did you know that three porn scarlets a year die of heart failure while on the job? No? That's because I just made it up. Moving on, what I’m talking about are sport related deaths; a fast ball to the temple, falling asleep at the race car wheel, wandering across the field looking for the nearest port-a-john at a javelin meet. I’ve lost far too many close friends at javelin meets…

So here it is, sport by sport, just enough for you to get a nice mental picture, but not enough to make you sad. Remember, sometimes it doesn’t take five seconds, it takes three--

1-2-3-Dead! Sports Edition!

Soccer

A shot is ripped from just outside the box - the goalie dives - head - post - Dead!

- I don’t know how we don’t see this collision more, for the first time ever, I saw a goalie wearing a weird “Natalie Portman from Garden State” helmet the other day. The fear of this happening is why I never played soccer goalie. Most likely you’d just get knocked out or a concussion, but I’ve been told many times that I have a really weak neck.

 If you think that's necessary, maybe you just shouldn't be playing...

or (alternate label)

I know one player who's not getting laid after the game.

Hockey

A fight breaks out, skate comes off - blade - jugular - Dead!

- I have to give Happy credit for this one, after all, he’s the only person to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.

Baseball

Batter swings - bat breaks - fielder goes to field ball - takes shard of bat to the heart - Dead!

- Anyone who watches baseball has seen a few close calls, Teixeira had one the other night and everyone remembers Clemens throwing the bat-shard at Mikey P. This will happen, someone will get stuck in the next five years. Will he take it in the heart? Hopefully not.

 Vampires would run from that chunk of wood!

Basketball

Sweet dish from under the basket - Shaq stuffs - basket comes down…on your face - Dead!

- How has no one ever been seriously injured by baskets falling? These new “snap down” baskets only make it more dangerous! They come down FAST! I don’t want Shaq as my teammate, mainly because he’s horrible, but also for survival reasons. Then again, I’m a pussy.

You want to be standing under there?

*Bonus Basketball*

Clock winds down on NCAA championship - in moment of joy player hurls ball high into the air - walk-on sprints onto the court to celebrate - ball comes right down on his head - Dead!

- I watch for this every time a player throws the ball into the air! Best I’ve ever seen is a cheerleader take the ball in the face on one bounce. She went down hard and was stampeded by the student section charging the court! If Lebron had thrown that ball up and it had come down straight on her head? It would have ended her life.

Football

Quarterback overthrows ball - wide receiver runs through end zone - is impaled by machine - Dead!

- last year I saw a college player badly injured on a play like this. I don’t know what the machine was, it wasn’t a tractor, it might have been some advanced snow plow, whatever it was, if he had tripped - Dead!

Tennis

Both players sprint up to the net for a fierce volley - player one trips as he hits a downward shot, falls over the net - player two bends to hit the ball, racket perpendicular to the ground - player one face plants onto the handle of player two’s racket - chokes - Dead!

- Yeah, this one…don’t hold your breath for it to happen. Your best bet in tennis is realistically someone diving into one of the poles that hold up the net, but that’s so typical, and a ball girl would hopefully save them.

Bowling

Bowler’s bowling shoes were shinned to thoroughly- bowler slips backwards as he throws - fourteen pound ball flies into the air - lands on face - Dead!

- A bowler could slip on loads of things, where there is a fourteen pound ball of fury, there is danger.

 Does it look like this ball is smiling at you? - Dead!

Fencing

Safety tip at end of epee falls off... It’s a sword for heaven’s sake - Dead!

- When someone has a sword…shit usually goes down. Not unlike when "Pac Man" Jones goes to a strip club.

Horse Racing

Jockey falls off horse - other horses don’t care - Dead!

- Calvin Borel wouldn’t fall, but other riders might. It’s why I don’t get on horses, I don’t look out for bugs when I step, horses don’t look out for us.

 What if he was on the other side of that horse? - Dead!

Javelin

Participant sneezes as he launches his javelin - everyone within 50-yards ducks - one dude takes it the javelin in the back of the head - Dead!

- People have allergies, we’ve all seen that video on Kazaa, javelins have impaled people before.

Boxing

Tyson’s right hand - your face - Dead!

- People have died before.

 The people in the background seem to have already moved on with their lives.

Skeet Shooting

Man with rifle is called for a foot fault - turns to referee - Dead!

- You tell a man with a gun he lost. I’ll be the guy slowly backing away.

Skiing

Patch of ice - cliff - Dead!

- I like skiing, but I often stand on the mountain staring past a thin plastic fence at a 200 ft drop and think…that’s not stopping me from dying.

 Let's be honest, that guy died.

Mountain Climbing

You can’t hold on any longer - Dead!

- I’ve tried those climbing walls in gyms, three pegs, that’s how high I can get. Which actually makes me feel safe. My body can handle that fall. Get up a little higher…a lot can go wrong.

You want to play sports anymore? I didn’t think so. Learn how to juggle lawn mowers or some other safe activity.

Sport that kill...YOU

Watching the honorary starters tee off at this year’s Masters, I began to think, not about the unbelievable history of the Masters, or of the remarkable legacies that Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer have left on the game of golf. What I began to visualize was a screaming duck hook piercing into the crowd, striking a small child in the head, knocking him off his father’s shoulders and nearby patrons crowding around his lifeless body like it was an errant Tiger Wood’s tee shot. Thankfully, it didn’t happen and realistically, with Nicklaus and Palmer being only 70 and 80 respectively, it wasn’t going to. Nonetheless, in past years Sam Sneed has teed it up at 89, Byron Nelson swung away at 89 and, bless his soul, Gene Sarazen somehow managed an attempt each year until he was 97! I’m not saying those balls are exactly firing off the club face, but placed directly into a child’s temple…it could do some serious damage. Please don’t tell me that they were professional golfers. A 97 YEAR OLD MAN HAS NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE THE BALL IS GOING!

You're going to tell me Gene knew where this ball was going?

So I pose the question: What is the most dangerous sport to spectate? If you roll to the stadium or the ballpark or the course with your son on a Saturday afternoon. Which sports pose the greatest risk of you never making it home?

Most sports, obviously, pose no threat at all to their spectators -- this would be a serious issue. Still, there are a few sports that do offer a small amount of risk. A dangerous sport for a player is not necessarily a dangerous sport for a spectator; football, rugby, freebase rock climbing, boxing... These are all sports with high injury risk for players, but none for the fans.

 Football: Dangerous for him, not for you.

What we are looking for are sports where the actual sport being played poses the risk to the spectators. It seems like soccer fans are always dying, but those deaths are stadium or other spectator related, so soccer will not be making this list. Soccer is used to taking it on the chin, they’ll get through this.

Here is a list of the sports that the risk averse should consider skipping:


5. NASCAR

Not only is NASCAR painfully unentertaining, but it’s incredibly dangerous for everyone involved. Fans and spectators are separated by a chain link fence. A CHAIN LINK FENCE!!! Forty-three cars are whipping around a narrow race track at over 200 mph and safety experts have determined that a chain link fence is all that is needed to protect patrons a few feet away? Tires have killed fans, that has happened, that is a fact, but what about scraps of metal, bolts, screws, broken glass, flipping cars, fires? Not only are you watching something you could see on the side of the highway -- people driving fast! -- but there is an added risk of injury or death.

Worth it: Doesn’t seem like it to me.

 If you looked really quickly might you think this was NASCAR?

4. Hockey

Okay, we’ve upgraded to glass blocking objects from hitting spectators, and pucks aren’t as dangerous as sharp pieces of metal. So we’re good, right? No, not even a little, because in this sport, players are firing slap shots at 80 to 90 mph and other players are actually trying to deflect them. Fans are one high or poorly deflected slap shot away from a trip to the hospital. I have actually been to a hockey game where a girl took a puck to the face! Lucky for the Devils she was a tank and shook it off. If that puck had struck me they would not have been as lucky.

Worth it: Hmmmm… If Washington or Pittsburgh are playing, it’s worth it, otherwise, too risky.

 Why is he smiling!!! It looks like he's been shot!!! I know why. Too much hockey.

3. Skeet Shooting, Trap Shooting, Sporting Clays (Any other sport where someone has a gun)

For those who don’t know, these are all competitive shotgun shooting competitions that are in the Olympics, I could also have throw Biathlon in here, but I like it too damn much. Bottom line, when someone has a gun, it’s more dangerous than it needs to be. I don’t want to be there when this guy is told that he foot faulted and he still has three rounds left in the chamber.

Worth it: Definitely not!

 Does this guy look like he wants to play sports? I don't think so.

2. Baseball

Have you been to the ballpark recently? Did you sit in one of the first few rows down the first or third baselines? That is no joke! My parents are getting older and I honestly don’t think it’s safe for them to hold those seats anymore. You need to be a fucking ninja to sit there. It should be like the exit row on a plane, you can’t just be willing, you have to be able as well. My parents don’t react to foul balls until they are well into the stands. A foul ball could strike them in the face before they realized that a pitch had been thrown. So when we go to the ballpark I always have to be on my toes when lefties come up. The problem is that part of me knows -- the realistic part -- that I won't catch the ball, I'll just deflect it into someone else's face. Which is better, but not an apology I'm comfortable making.

Me - "Yeah, I'm really sorry. It was headed at my mother... I tried to catch it... It kind of had a knuckling action to it, even if I'd had a glove I'm not sure if..."
Injured Paton -"FUCK OFF CHUCK KNOBLAUCH!"
Me - "Actually, Knoblauch's glove wasn't really the problem. It was his throws to first that--"
(I get punched in the face)

Worth it: Yes, just sit a little further back or pull a John Olerud.

 You think John Olerud was ready for a foul ball? He wore a helmet in the field!

1. The Running of the Bulls

You have to be one brave son of a bitch or clinically insane to run with the bulls in Pamplona. You have to be just as brainless to stand along the fence and root for the maniacs and bulls running past. The bulls don’t know who is playing the game, hell, they don’t even know it’s a game. They are trying to kill the annoying people in their way and if that person is against the fence, they are going to try and spear that person. If they spear you…I just don’t think they really care.

Worth it: It has got to be fun watching people run from bulls in fear, but please, for the love of God, watch from someone’s balcony and not right up against the fence.

 You think this bull cares about your feelings?

Please, don’t think that I hate these sports. Unless I said otherwise, I think these are dynamite sports, I just think there are risks involved with watching them, especially from the good seats. Then again, you have a much better chance of dying on the way to the stadium than you do of dying while you’re there. So buckle up!

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