Ten Sports You Probably Didn’t Know Were Sports Because They Weren’t -- Until Now

Snobby purists like to say that you need “a ball” or “puck” or “disk” and “other players” and “a referee” and “people who care” to consider what you’re doing a sport. They would say, basketball, football, baseball, hockey, soccer, tennis, Ultimate Frisbee: those are sports. I say bull tit! What about NASCAR! That’s considered a crappy sport. Does that mean driving fast is a sport or do you need to be going around a track and wearing a seatbelt? What about running? If I go for a jog am I sporting it up or do I have to be running against other people, on a course, with a number and shortie shorts? No! I’m calling shenanigans here! SHENANIGANS!!!

If you’ve got the fire, the unyielding desire, if you go harder and faster than you thought you could, sweating more than you think you should...then you’re playing a sport all right, and odds are you’re the best at it because you’re the only one playing! It feels good to be the best, doesn’t it?

Here are seven sports you might not have seen on ESPN or ESPN2 or ESPN3 or even ESPNU, but they’re sports all right and you just might see someone playing one of them sooner than you think.

Cow Kicking (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 4/8 = .5)

 

How the Game Is Played: Find a cow -- kick said cow in the face -- acquire as much milk from cow as possible before it knocks you out cold.

"Kick me in the face. Make. My. Day." - Cow

 This isn’t the kind of sport you play after work or without health insurance. This is a sport that requires practice. Unless you’ve trained with calves and deer, you are surely not ready for a full grown cow. There will be hoof to face contact, can you handle that? You will be touching and tugging on a cow’s udder, you comfortable doing that.

Why it is more of a sport than UFC: Can you even fathom the physical and mental wear and tear of milking an enraged cow? Here’s some help: Imagine kicking Brock Lesnar in the face and then trying to wack him off. Seriously, does that sound like fun? Now picture Lesnar five times as large in the shape of a cow who craps whenever and wherever he wants and views you as a large mouse he wants to kill! NOW, give him a large external vagina that you tug on to produce milk. Yeah, that’s a sport and a half. Move over UFC, welcome UCK.

 

Shroomeration (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 3/8 = 3.75)

 

How the Game is Played: Take shrooms -- Play operation.

 This game is messed up enough not on shrooms.

This is a precision game on a hallucinogen. With the voltage cranked up to near deadly levels, removing that femur can be life and death. Can you handle the pressure? Keep your hands from shaking? Pick which of the four arm bones is the real one? Play through the pain? 

Why it’s more of a sport than archery: Archery is a precision sport played with no distractions and no penalties for missing. Here is my question: why do they ever miss the bull’s-eye? That’s all you need to practice, shooting an arrow at a target. If you miss, you don’t get shocked, you’re not on drugs, what is so hard about that? Picture this... You wipe sweat from your brow as you try to focus down the site of your bow. You just took your second hit of shrooms and you’re not really sure which of the four dancing targets you’re supposed to hit. You better make up your mind, because if you’re off by even a quarter inch, the platform below your feet opens and drops you into a giant bee hive. Heart racing? That’s what shroomeration is, that is a sport! 

Running From The Cops (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 10/4 = 2.5)

 

How the Game is Played: Get drunk at a party -- the cops break it up -- run like the wind.

No one said you had to be drinking under-aged. If you run, they will run after you, trust me. That said...it is best to not be eighteen yet...that's all I'm going to say. Just get away and it's all cool.

Using a bike is C-H-E-A-T-I-N-G!

It’s a risk reward sport; the drunker you are, the harder it is to run, or climb, or keep up your stamina, but the less falling hurts and the less sweet victory is. Now a days, it’s not all that cool to run from a party when the cops show up, in high school…it was just what you did. It’s one of my biggest regrets. See I was always that kid who…didn’t have to run because…he was a good talker and…wasn’t at the party…(sigh)

Why it is more of a sport than 100 meter dash: Ummmm…hello? There are people with guns chasing you-- not that they are going to shoot you, but still. You have to jump fences, scale walls, avoid pools, hide… YOU’RE DRUNK! You’re trying look cool for a girl you’re trying to get with, while you try to keep from getting arrested. The footing is constantly changing between pavement, grass, woods, passed out bodies… This is 100x the sport the 100 meter dash is, but I admit Usain Bolt would still be the best. 

 Fast is fast.

Duration Gaming -- Video Games from 1 PM to 5 AM -- 16 Hours (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 8/2 = 4)   

How the Game is Played: Sit down at your gaming console -- play for 16 straight hours. 

 Call me crazy, but I don't think she's gonna make it!

Try doing anything for 12 straight hours, even sleeping, it’s tough. No bathroom breaks, no nourishments, no company, it’s just you and that television…and your eyes are starting to water and it’s only hour ten.

 

Why it’s more of a sport than golf: Try staying awake, keeping your eye-sight in check, holding in your bowl movements. A round of golf takes about five hours. How often do guys play 54 holes in one day? Never, because they couldn’t make it. Duration gaming takes endurance, dedication, you’re competing against more people (online players), it’s tougher on your hands and you don’t have a caddy to help you out.

Beer Pong -- Beirut (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 9/1 = 9 -- varies by shape of partners face)   

How the Game is Played: Toss a ping pong ball across a table -- make it land in a solo cup partially filled with beer -- repeat steps one and two, ten times. 

 You're telling me that's not a sport? Two of those kids died!

A ping pong ball has a diameter of 40mm, two of them fit into a solo cup at the same time. If basketball is a shotgun execution, beer pong is a 200 meter snipe shot. 

Why it’s more of a sport than bowling: Ten pins -- Ten cups. Big heavy ball -- Small light ball. Rolling -- Throwing… That’s where the comparisons end. Bowlers don’t have distractions, no psych-outs, rebuttals, aren’t working on a severe buzz. You want pressure? Try standing next to the girl of your dreams -- the kind of girl who doesn’t like losers -- staring across the table at one last solo cup, looking down at the ball in your hand, seeing two, and knowing that EVERYTHING is on the line.

Drinking while doing anything makes it harder…well, drinking a lot makes everything harder.  Add good looking girls, drunk friends and a ceiling fan… Beer Pong makes bowling look like pocket pool.

Ice Cold Showering -- Full Wash and Shampoo (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 1/5 = .2)   

How the Game is Played: Don’t pay your heating bill -- Need to shower for work -- Man up and do it! 

Ice Cold Showering takes discipline; you need to have a game plan. You can’t just jump into the ice cold water or your heart will give way. You need to put mind above body, work the edges of the shower. There are no sliding shorts in ice cold showering, it’s just you a loofah and the water. 

 I don't know what this is, but it's NOTHING like Ice Cold Showering.

Why it’s more of a sport than figure skating: You’re naked, if you fall there isn’t enough room to not smack your face on something, not only are you cold, you have to touch the cold, you have to soap up and shampoo, there are no judges and no prize… This is a sport that asks the question, how bad to you want that girl at work to think you smell good?

  

Smelly Sauna or The Other Hot Box (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 2/8 = .25)

 

How the Game is Played: On a long drive -- in the middle of August -- roll up the windows -- lock the doors -- lay a wicked fart -- count the seconds until you pass out. 

 Oh, they played...and they lost.

This is not a game for the faint of fart. You control your own destiny. Some only last a few seconds before careening into the guard rail, others battle for hours, reaching their destination and fresh air. 

Why it’s more of a sport than bobsledding: Smelly Sauna takes the willpower to overcome your own shortcomings. You have to watch your diet, be able to hold your breath for long periods of time and not be friends with any members of the opposite-- this is usually a given if you are even considering playing. During smelly sauna you have to steer your car; bobsledding you’re just whipping down a track, it’s incredibly dangerous-- when you pass out, you have no idea where you’ll end up. You can play solo, two-man, four-man, or, with an SUV, up to eight-man! Your prize isn’t an Olympic medal, it’s the ability to breath again, and for the purists, that’s more than enough. 

Not Letting Your Standards Slip Late Night At The Club: (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- -2/(N/A) = undefined)

 

How the game is played: As you throw back drinks at the club -- don’t let you’re “only above 7” standards turn into “anything that moves.” 

 It was late, she's had a few drinks and it just kind of happened...

You get to the club, you ease around and take in the scene, the smoking hot girls are unapproachable, so you head to the bar. A few drinks later, feeling a little more confident, you try to make eye contact, nothing. Some Red Bull and the club now full, you try the inconspicuous walk by, but they ignore you. A few shots and you’re noticing more and more good looking girls, you try the convo start…It’s too loud. Another drink and you start making your way towards the darker corners, these girls look good too…you think. Why hadn’t you noticed them before? A few more drinks, lights go on, you’re batting zero… they all look good now. You look over at your buddies who are already making face. What you gonna do playa? 

Why it’s more of a sport than dodgeball: You lose a game of dodgeball, you walk to the side of the court in shame, but it’s over, no one will care in an hour. You lose a game of Not Letting Your Standards Slip Late Night At The Club, not only does the following morning almost cripple you, facebook proclaims your loss for life! Dodging a ball is easy. Try dodging fifteen less than attractive girls in a dark club when you’ve had four beers, three SoCo and lime shots and two vodka tonics. How can you dodge what you can’t see? In dodgeball, you have teammates who can catch a ball and get you back in the game, or win the game even if you’ve lost. At the club you only have competition and frienemies. If this girl you found has a cute friend, you think your buddy is going to stop you? I don’t. And all of this goes for girls too! This is why I always wear basketball shoes out at night. Life is sport! 

So please, if any of these sports have caught your fancy, be my guest and grab some solo cups, or a cow, or a car to fart in and start playing. If you’re already playing, someone out there knows you’re an athlete, and if you’re playing something else that you consider a sport, keep it up and maybe one day you’re activity will be recognized as a sport.

Next post: One way to pleasure a girl with a Wii Controller.

1-2-3-Dead! -- Sports Edition

So you've just watched three baseball games in a row, but it's a QUADRUPLE HEADER! and your girlfriend won't let you play video games because she just loves the Houston Astros (It's not going to work out, she's a closet lesbo). As the Royals come to bat in the bottom of the first -- it's interleague play -- you're attention starts to wander, you think; “I wonder what the craziest way for that player to die right now is.” That guy - the one fingering his butt crack in center field, what would have to happen for him to be on the ground dead next time I look up from my lightly toasted, chipotle dressed, foot long Italian BMT?

Naturally, you have your random heart failure, seizure, or sniper, but those don’t count-- they could happen to anyone at anytime. Did you know that three porn scarlets a year die of heart failure while on the job? No? That's because I just made it up. Moving on, what I’m talking about are sport related deaths; a fast ball to the temple, falling asleep at the race car wheel, wandering across the field looking for the nearest port-a-john at a javelin meet. I’ve lost far too many close friends at javelin meets…

So here it is, sport by sport, just enough for you to get a nice mental picture, but not enough to make you sad. Remember, sometimes it doesn’t take five seconds, it takes three--

1-2-3-Dead! Sports Edition!

Soccer

A shot is ripped from just outside the box - the goalie dives - head - post - Dead!

- I don’t know how we don’t see this collision more, for the first time ever, I saw a goalie wearing a weird “Natalie Portman from Garden State” helmet the other day. The fear of this happening is why I never played soccer goalie. Most likely you’d just get knocked out or a concussion, but I’ve been told many times that I have a really weak neck.

 If you think that's necessary, maybe you just shouldn't be playing...

or (alternate label)

I know one player who's not getting laid after the game.

Hockey

A fight breaks out, skate comes off - blade - jugular - Dead!

- I have to give Happy credit for this one, after all, he’s the only person to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.

Baseball

Batter swings - bat breaks - fielder goes to field ball - takes shard of bat to the heart - Dead!

- Anyone who watches baseball has seen a few close calls, Teixeira had one the other night and everyone remembers Clemens throwing the bat-shard at Mikey P. This will happen, someone will get stuck in the next five years. Will he take it in the heart? Hopefully not.

 Vampires would run from that chunk of wood!

Basketball

Sweet dish from under the basket - Shaq stuffs - basket comes down…on your face - Dead!

- How has no one ever been seriously injured by baskets falling? These new “snap down” baskets only make it more dangerous! They come down FAST! I don’t want Shaq as my teammate, mainly because he’s horrible, but also for survival reasons. Then again, I’m a pussy.

You want to be standing under there?

*Bonus Basketball*

Clock winds down on NCAA championship - in moment of joy player hurls ball high into the air - walk-on sprints onto the court to celebrate - ball comes right down on his head - Dead!

- I watch for this every time a player throws the ball into the air! Best I’ve ever seen is a cheerleader take the ball in the face on one bounce. She went down hard and was stampeded by the student section charging the court! If Lebron had thrown that ball up and it had come down straight on her head? It would have ended her life.

Football

Quarterback overthrows ball - wide receiver runs through end zone - is impaled by machine - Dead!

- last year I saw a college player badly injured on a play like this. I don’t know what the machine was, it wasn’t a tractor, it might have been some advanced snow plow, whatever it was, if he had tripped - Dead!

Tennis

Both players sprint up to the net for a fierce volley - player one trips as he hits a downward shot, falls over the net - player two bends to hit the ball, racket perpendicular to the ground - player one face plants onto the handle of player two’s racket - chokes - Dead!

- Yeah, this one…don’t hold your breath for it to happen. Your best bet in tennis is realistically someone diving into one of the poles that hold up the net, but that’s so typical, and a ball girl would hopefully save them.

Bowling

Bowler’s bowling shoes were shinned to thoroughly- bowler slips backwards as he throws - fourteen pound ball flies into the air - lands on face - Dead!

- A bowler could slip on loads of things, where there is a fourteen pound ball of fury, there is danger.

 Does it look like this ball is smiling at you? - Dead!

Fencing

Safety tip at end of epee falls off... It’s a sword for heaven’s sake - Dead!

- When someone has a sword…shit usually goes down. Not unlike when "Pac Man" Jones goes to a strip club.

Horse Racing

Jockey falls off horse - other horses don’t care - Dead!

- Calvin Borel wouldn’t fall, but other riders might. It’s why I don’t get on horses, I don’t look out for bugs when I step, horses don’t look out for us.

 What if he was on the other side of that horse? - Dead!

Javelin

Participant sneezes as he launches his javelin - everyone within 50-yards ducks - one dude takes it the javelin in the back of the head - Dead!

- People have allergies, we’ve all seen that video on Kazaa, javelins have impaled people before.

Boxing

Tyson’s right hand - your face - Dead!

- People have died before.

 The people in the background seem to have already moved on with their lives.

Skeet Shooting

Man with rifle is called for a foot fault - turns to referee - Dead!

- You tell a man with a gun he lost. I’ll be the guy slowly backing away.

Skiing

Patch of ice - cliff - Dead!

- I like skiing, but I often stand on the mountain staring past a thin plastic fence at a 200 ft drop and think…that’s not stopping me from dying.

 Let's be honest, that guy died.

Mountain Climbing

You can’t hold on any longer - Dead!

- I’ve tried those climbing walls in gyms, three pegs, that’s how high I can get. Which actually makes me feel safe. My body can handle that fall. Get up a little higher…a lot can go wrong.

You want to play sports anymore? I didn’t think so. Learn how to juggle lawn mowers or some other safe activity.

Clutch or in the Moment?

Last night I was "watching" the Mississippi v. Texas Tech Quarterfinal NIT game -- I assure you, you didn’t miss much -- and it got me thinking, as sports almost always do. First, it got me thinking about how staggeringly stupid it is that Texas Tech thinks putting “Red Raiders” on the back of their jerseys instead of their names signifies unity. Your point guard just fired six threes in a row without even considering passing and then yelled at your center to get the damn rebound-- You're not unified! Put your names on your jerseys so I know who I'm rooting against!

Moving on... What this game really got me thinking about was how much better the NCAA Tournament is than the NIT. I know, I just blew your mind. You thought the NIT was much more exciting than teams actually competing for a National Championship. I know, it's an obvious comment. But how much better it is, is truly staggering. This game went into DOUBLE OT with Texas Tech sinking two late three pointers to get it there. But I didn't care. I'm not totally sure the Ole Miss crowd cared when the second overtime buzzer rang and they had won the game!

I love good basketball. I love good, well-played, high intensity basketball. Most importantly I love close basketball games, games where shots are taken that people actually remember. During the regular season I would rather watch Vermont and Marist play an overtime game than see Duke beat UNC by ten-- even if it's a good UNC team, not the crap they put out there this year. However, when it comes to March, I would rather watch a #1. seed crush a #16. by thirty than watch a double OT NIT game. Is it because I have a vested rooting interest in the #1. seed? I picked them in my bracket? That's probably part of it, but it's also because of what’s on the line. Every player in this game has been playing his entire life for this one moment. Yeah, you have the one-and-dones, players who use college as a means to an end. Forget about them, they matter not to us. I'm watching for the seniors dancing for the last time, the freshman dancing for their first, for all the players who in their heart of hearts know that they will most likely never be back. They are the ones that this truly means something too, and if they thought about that half as much as I do, one thing is for sure; no one would ever make a game winning shot again.

As Northern Iowa senior Ali Farokhmanesh splashed a 30 footer to beat UNLV and then hit the ballziest trey ball I’ve ever seen to, as phrased so aptly in NBA JAM "put the nail in the coffin" against Kansas, I found myself yelling, as I typically do, "Does he realize that every shot he has ever taken was for this one moment?! That every time he lifted, went for a run, shot hoops at the park and played one-on-one with his sister would have been a waste if he had missed? Can he come close to understanding that if he had missed he would have thought about that shot everyday for the rest of his life and it might have ruined him?!" I DON'T THINK HE DOES!!!! AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT!!!

Basketball is an action reaction sport. As much as Ali wants to tell us that he was thinking about the defender and about a pending trap and his sociology final as he took that three pointer, I know the truth. He wasn't thinking! At least he hardly was. His head was spinning so fast that all his brain could muster was "Up 1, losing ground, three pointer good," then he shot and all was good in the world.

I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone who has ever made a buzzer beater, you're great, but when everything is happening so fast, you just... kind of do it. Not having time to think about the negatives makes it easier. In contrast think about a kicker, a golfer, a bowler, even a basketball player on the stripe with two shots to tie the game with no time left. When you have a second to really gather yourself and think about the negatives, what's on the line...you tense up, you get nervous. This is exactly what makes Adam Vinatieri, Tiger Woods, Albert Pujols and Norm Duke (yes, including bowling here is mostly a joke) are so amazing. They consistently deliver knowing exactly what is on the line; the Superbowl, NL Championship series, the US Open, a bowling thing...