Ten Sports You Probably Didn’t Know Were Sports Because They Weren’t -- Until Now

Snobby purists like to say that you need “a ball” or “puck” or “disk” and “other players” and “a referee” and “people who care” to consider what you’re doing a sport. They would say, basketball, football, baseball, hockey, soccer, tennis, Ultimate Frisbee: those are sports. I say bull tit! What about NASCAR! That’s considered a crappy sport. Does that mean driving fast is a sport or do you need to be going around a track and wearing a seatbelt? What about running? If I go for a jog am I sporting it up or do I have to be running against other people, on a course, with a number and shortie shorts? No! I’m calling shenanigans here! SHENANIGANS!!!

If you’ve got the fire, the unyielding desire, if you go harder and faster than you thought you could, sweating more than you think you should...then you’re playing a sport all right, and odds are you’re the best at it because you’re the only one playing! It feels good to be the best, doesn’t it?

Here are seven sports you might not have seen on ESPN or ESPN2 or ESPN3 or even ESPNU, but they’re sports all right and you just might see someone playing one of them sooner than you think.

Cow Kicking (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 4/8 = .5)

 

How the Game Is Played: Find a cow -- kick said cow in the face -- acquire as much milk from cow as possible before it knocks you out cold.

"Kick me in the face. Make. My. Day." - Cow

 This isn’t the kind of sport you play after work or without health insurance. This is a sport that requires practice. Unless you’ve trained with calves and deer, you are surely not ready for a full grown cow. There will be hoof to face contact, can you handle that? You will be touching and tugging on a cow’s udder, you comfortable doing that.

Why it is more of a sport than UFC: Can you even fathom the physical and mental wear and tear of milking an enraged cow? Here’s some help: Imagine kicking Brock Lesnar in the face and then trying to wack him off. Seriously, does that sound like fun? Now picture Lesnar five times as large in the shape of a cow who craps whenever and wherever he wants and views you as a large mouse he wants to kill! NOW, give him a large external vagina that you tug on to produce milk. Yeah, that’s a sport and a half. Move over UFC, welcome UCK.

 

Shroomeration (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 3/8 = 3.75)

 

How the Game is Played: Take shrooms -- Play operation.

 This game is messed up enough not on shrooms.

This is a precision game on a hallucinogen. With the voltage cranked up to near deadly levels, removing that femur can be life and death. Can you handle the pressure? Keep your hands from shaking? Pick which of the four arm bones is the real one? Play through the pain? 

Why it’s more of a sport than archery: Archery is a precision sport played with no distractions and no penalties for missing. Here is my question: why do they ever miss the bull’s-eye? That’s all you need to practice, shooting an arrow at a target. If you miss, you don’t get shocked, you’re not on drugs, what is so hard about that? Picture this... You wipe sweat from your brow as you try to focus down the site of your bow. You just took your second hit of shrooms and you’re not really sure which of the four dancing targets you’re supposed to hit. You better make up your mind, because if you’re off by even a quarter inch, the platform below your feet opens and drops you into a giant bee hive. Heart racing? That’s what shroomeration is, that is a sport! 

Running From The Cops (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 10/4 = 2.5)

 

How the Game is Played: Get drunk at a party -- the cops break it up -- run like the wind.

No one said you had to be drinking under-aged. If you run, they will run after you, trust me. That said...it is best to not be eighteen yet...that's all I'm going to say. Just get away and it's all cool.

Using a bike is C-H-E-A-T-I-N-G!

It’s a risk reward sport; the drunker you are, the harder it is to run, or climb, or keep up your stamina, but the less falling hurts and the less sweet victory is. Now a days, it’s not all that cool to run from a party when the cops show up, in high school…it was just what you did. It’s one of my biggest regrets. See I was always that kid who…didn’t have to run because…he was a good talker and…wasn’t at the party…(sigh)

Why it is more of a sport than 100 meter dash: Ummmm…hello? There are people with guns chasing you-- not that they are going to shoot you, but still. You have to jump fences, scale walls, avoid pools, hide… YOU’RE DRUNK! You’re trying look cool for a girl you’re trying to get with, while you try to keep from getting arrested. The footing is constantly changing between pavement, grass, woods, passed out bodies… This is 100x the sport the 100 meter dash is, but I admit Usain Bolt would still be the best. 

 Fast is fast.

Duration Gaming -- Video Games from 1 PM to 5 AM -- 16 Hours (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 8/2 = 4)   

How the Game is Played: Sit down at your gaming console -- play for 16 straight hours. 

 Call me crazy, but I don't think she's gonna make it!

Try doing anything for 12 straight hours, even sleeping, it’s tough. No bathroom breaks, no nourishments, no company, it’s just you and that television…and your eyes are starting to water and it’s only hour ten.

 

Why it’s more of a sport than golf: Try staying awake, keeping your eye-sight in check, holding in your bowl movements. A round of golf takes about five hours. How often do guys play 54 holes in one day? Never, because they couldn’t make it. Duration gaming takes endurance, dedication, you’re competing against more people (online players), it’s tougher on your hands and you don’t have a caddy to help you out.

Beer Pong -- Beirut (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 9/1 = 9 -- varies by shape of partners face)   

How the Game is Played: Toss a ping pong ball across a table -- make it land in a solo cup partially filled with beer -- repeat steps one and two, ten times. 

 You're telling me that's not a sport? Two of those kids died!

A ping pong ball has a diameter of 40mm, two of them fit into a solo cup at the same time. If basketball is a shotgun execution, beer pong is a 200 meter snipe shot. 

Why it’s more of a sport than bowling: Ten pins -- Ten cups. Big heavy ball -- Small light ball. Rolling -- Throwing… That’s where the comparisons end. Bowlers don’t have distractions, no psych-outs, rebuttals, aren’t working on a severe buzz. You want pressure? Try standing next to the girl of your dreams -- the kind of girl who doesn’t like losers -- staring across the table at one last solo cup, looking down at the ball in your hand, seeing two, and knowing that EVERYTHING is on the line.

Drinking while doing anything makes it harder…well, drinking a lot makes everything harder.  Add good looking girls, drunk friends and a ceiling fan… Beer Pong makes bowling look like pocket pool.

Ice Cold Showering -- Full Wash and Shampoo (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 1/5 = .2)   

How the Game is Played: Don’t pay your heating bill -- Need to shower for work -- Man up and do it! 

Ice Cold Showering takes discipline; you need to have a game plan. You can’t just jump into the ice cold water or your heart will give way. You need to put mind above body, work the edges of the shower. There are no sliding shorts in ice cold showering, it’s just you a loofah and the water. 

 I don't know what this is, but it's NOTHING like Ice Cold Showering.

Why it’s more of a sport than figure skating: You’re naked, if you fall there isn’t enough room to not smack your face on something, not only are you cold, you have to touch the cold, you have to soap up and shampoo, there are no judges and no prize… This is a sport that asks the question, how bad to you want that girl at work to think you smell good?

  

Smelly Sauna or The Other Hot Box (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- 2/8 = .25)

 

How the Game is Played: On a long drive -- in the middle of August -- roll up the windows -- lock the doors -- lay a wicked fart -- count the seconds until you pass out. 

 Oh, they played...and they lost.

This is not a game for the faint of fart. You control your own destiny. Some only last a few seconds before careening into the guard rail, others battle for hours, reaching their destination and fresh air. 

Why it’s more of a sport than bobsledding: Smelly Sauna takes the willpower to overcome your own shortcomings. You have to watch your diet, be able to hold your breath for long periods of time and not be friends with any members of the opposite-- this is usually a given if you are even considering playing. During smelly sauna you have to steer your car; bobsledding you’re just whipping down a track, it’s incredibly dangerous-- when you pass out, you have no idea where you’ll end up. You can play solo, two-man, four-man, or, with an SUV, up to eight-man! Your prize isn’t an Olympic medal, it’s the ability to breath again, and for the purists, that’s more than enough. 

Not Letting Your Standards Slip Late Night At The Club: (Fun Score Over Injury Rate -- -2/(N/A) = undefined)

 

How the game is played: As you throw back drinks at the club -- don’t let you’re “only above 7” standards turn into “anything that moves.” 

 It was late, she's had a few drinks and it just kind of happened...

You get to the club, you ease around and take in the scene, the smoking hot girls are unapproachable, so you head to the bar. A few drinks later, feeling a little more confident, you try to make eye contact, nothing. Some Red Bull and the club now full, you try the inconspicuous walk by, but they ignore you. A few shots and you’re noticing more and more good looking girls, you try the convo start…It’s too loud. Another drink and you start making your way towards the darker corners, these girls look good too…you think. Why hadn’t you noticed them before? A few more drinks, lights go on, you’re batting zero… they all look good now. You look over at your buddies who are already making face. What you gonna do playa? 

Why it’s more of a sport than dodgeball: You lose a game of dodgeball, you walk to the side of the court in shame, but it’s over, no one will care in an hour. You lose a game of Not Letting Your Standards Slip Late Night At The Club, not only does the following morning almost cripple you, facebook proclaims your loss for life! Dodging a ball is easy. Try dodging fifteen less than attractive girls in a dark club when you’ve had four beers, three SoCo and lime shots and two vodka tonics. How can you dodge what you can’t see? In dodgeball, you have teammates who can catch a ball and get you back in the game, or win the game even if you’ve lost. At the club you only have competition and frienemies. If this girl you found has a cute friend, you think your buddy is going to stop you? I don’t. And all of this goes for girls too! This is why I always wear basketball shoes out at night. Life is sport! 

So please, if any of these sports have caught your fancy, be my guest and grab some solo cups, or a cow, or a car to fart in and start playing. If you’re already playing, someone out there knows you’re an athlete, and if you’re playing something else that you consider a sport, keep it up and maybe one day you’re activity will be recognized as a sport.

Next post: One way to pleasure a girl with a Wii Controller.

If I Was Awesome…Who Would I be? -- Sports Edition

Sometimes I think about things. Like really think. Like nothing else matters in the world except for me and my thoughts. How do I do it? First, I wait for my parents to fall asleep. They aren’t going to understand my thinking deep thoughts. When I am positive they are asleep, I start a timer and wait for two more hours to be extra certain they have entered rem sleep and are passed the eff out. When my timer rings, I sneak out my window and sprint into the woods behind my house. How do I manage to jump from a second story window each night without hurting myself? Ha! When I was little, I convinced my parents that I needed a fire escape ladder in case there was a fire in the hallway and I couldn’t get out of my room! Where’s the fire now, bitches!

Okay. So I’ve stealthily made my way out of my house and am now sprinting through the woods. I know what you simpletons are probably thinking. Why are you sprinting though the woods, won’t that make noise? OF COURSE IT WILL MAKE NOISE! Obviously, I am sprinting because I don’t want someone to hear me sneaking! If someone hears running in the woods behind their house at one in the morning they will think it’s a bear or a wild boar, not a human, especially at the rabid pace at which I am moving!

So I finally get to John Williamson Elementary about a three hour sprint from my house-- I actually think it might be in the next state over, but I have not confirmed this. While there are closer parks to my house, they all have far less cool playground equipment. At this time at night I have the entire park all to myself, aside from a homeless man who usually tries to force intercourse on me, before passing out drunk. Now fully alone, I sit down on one of the small swings, lean back, and start to sway. Soon I am really making that lightweight child’s swing set sweat-- try saying that five times while on shrooms. I’m getting some serious air that Napoleon Dynamite himself would be proud of because I’m remembering my fundamentals.  I make sure to tuck my legs on backward swings and extend them straight in front of me on forward swings. It’s pretty damn awesome.

Anyway, when I start really getting high, I close one eye, stare up into the starlit sky with the other, and I think about what it would be like if I had my closed eye open, and my open eye closed. This takes me to a deep, deep, deep deep place where I can then ask myself the real question: “What if I was awesome? -- Sports Edition.”

Sometimes it’s cool to not be awesome, but it’s always awesome to be awesome, and who is more awesome than a professional athlete? No one! Not even you Barak Obama. I know you’re reading this! Stupid White Sox cap at the Nationals game! NOT AWESOME! SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!

So here are the eight athletes I would be if I was awesome, in order of how awesome it would be.

The Awesomeness Scale, or AS to those in the know, is a combination of eight factors:

Sport (S) - What sport do you play? How awesome is that sport?

Icon Status (IS) - Are you an icon? How many people I talk to each day know you’re awesome?

Sex Life x2 (SL) - Are you making use of your awesomeness?

World Wide Appeal (WWA) - If I say your name in Somalia will someone say, “dude is awesome!”?

Swagger x3 (SWAG) - Do you let everyone know that you are awesome? Do you make them mad? Do you make them try harder, even try to cheat…and then still beat them?

People who aren’t awesome can’t have swagger, when they try it is called being lame or being a douche. If you are awesome, you need to let your two big swaggernuts hang low! That is what being awesome is really truly about.

Awesome Consolation List -- Sports Edition

For making the consolation list an athlete gets the knowledge that he was considered, his AS, and one line to explain why he isn’t as cool as I, or he, previously thought he was. For those who didn’t make the list, look in the mirror, how is you making out for you? My guess is not all that well.

29. Georges St. Pierre - S - 5, IS - 4, SL - 3, WWA - 6, SWAG - 3 = AS - 3.75

- That Under Armour suit he wears in that commercial makes me uncomfortable.

28. Ichiro - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 2, WWA - 7, SWAG - 2 = AS - 4.375

- Maybe it’s the language barrier or could it be the fact that his wife is a two…

27. Roger Federer - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 1, WWA - 9, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.625

- She looks like a really…nice woman… I’m sure she’s nice…Yeah… nice...

26. Michael Phelps - S - 4, IS - 10, SL - 6, WWA - 8, SWAG - 4 = AS - 5.75

- If he sat next to me on the bus, I might move, nay, I would move.

 This suit also makes me more than a little bit uncomfortable.

25. Brock Lesnar - S - 5, IS - 5, SL - 5, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 5.75

- I wouldn’t climb into a ring or a bed with him. Would you?

24. Lance Armstrong - S - 3, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 10, SWAG - 5 = AS - 5.75

- It’s not not the testicle things… not not…

23. Manny Pacquiao - S - 10, IS - 6, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.875

- You are awesome. Just in a different way…

22. Tim Lincecum - S - 10 (pitcher), IS - 7, SL - 4, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.375

- Spends a little too much time hanging out with his dad. I love my dad but... Hot chicks Timmy!

21. Laird Hamilton - S - 10, IS - 3, SL - 4, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 6.5

- Could-- Should be so much higher, but the numbers do the talking.

Hey, he got a 10 for sport!

20. Sidney Crosby - S - 5, IS - 7, SL - 7, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 6.5

- For a cool guy, very punchable.

19. Dwight Howard - S - 8, IS - 7, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.5

- He wants on this list way too bad.

18. Steve Nash - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.625

- Love this guy, but as cool guys go. He’s in the middle of the pack.

17. Adrian Peterson - S - 9, IS - 6, SL - 6, WWA - 4, SWAG - 8 = AS - 6.875

- Some people still don’t know who “All Day” AP is. I know you AP, I know you.

16. Alex Ovechkin - S - 5, IS - 6, SL - 4, WWA - 7, SWAG - 10 = AS - 7

- Unreal to watch, too bad it’s hockey. Also, he met one of his girl friend’s online. WHA?!

15. Dwyane Wade - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 7, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.125

- My favorite basketball player, but too nice of a guy. Get back up Dwyane, get back up!

14. Albert Pujols - S - 9, IS - 8, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.125

- Have you seen his wife… Ahh… Albert? News Flash! Girls want to tell other girls that you were inside of them!

13. Rafael Nadal - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.25

- Doesn’t have enough “in your face” game.

 I'm not greedy. I'd take Nadal in my awesome fantasy-life draft.

12. Evan Longoria - S - 9, IS - 5, SL - 7, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.375

- Do you mean Eva Longoria? That’s what my girlfriend said… Well, if I had one, she might have said something like that.

11. Kobe Bryant - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.5

- Does something about Kobe annoy you? You’re not alone.

Did anyone else like Kobe more when he had hair?

The Awesome Ten -- If I was awesome. These are the top ten people I would be! -- Sports Edition.

10. Tom Brady - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 7, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.75

Tom just does his thing. Easy, breezy, beautiful, Tom Brady. As far as sports go, it doesn’t get much better than football. As far as football positions go, it doesn’t get much better than quarterback. As far as quarterbacks go, it doesn’t get much better than three Super Bowl rings. As far as girlfriends go, it doesn’t get much better than Gisele. When I think “baller,” I think skills, grace, looks…I think Tom Brady. You can’t question Tom at number 10, he’s just awesome.

  If tapping that every night doesn’t get you into the top ten, there shouldn’t be a top 10

9. Alex Rodriguez - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 7, WWA - 9, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.875

A Rod has A LOT of short comings. Fortunately for him, they weren’t what I was judging awesomeness on. A Rod has been a household name for more than a decade because… oh yeah, he’s built like Achilles, he’s the highest paid player in baseball, check-it, sports, he plays for the New York Yankees -- finally getting the fans off his back for good last season winning the playoff MVP award -- he was hooking up with Kate Hudson and (cough) Madonna (she’s an icon people, please), and lets not forget he’s best buds with The Captain (maybe a slight exaggeration).

 Okay, ARod, okay... Well, maybe not okay.

He may have cheated baseball, but he definitely didn’t cheat his way onto this list. A Rod is about as awesome as they come.

8. Lionel Messi - S - 9, IS - 4, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.875

Eleven goals in 5 games - gets - your - dick - wet! Like soaking wet! Like Wilt Chamberlain in Jenna Haze in a Hurricane wet. That is ridiculous. You could argue that it is a more impressive feat than hitting 11 homeruns in five games. You’d be wrong, but you could argue it.

Soccer is a world wide sport. People love the other football in every country except the good ‘ole USA. Messi is arguably the best footballer in the world. Therefore he is arguable the best athlete in the world. See how I did that? How would it feel to be the best athlete in the world at 22? Pretty awesome I’d guess, and it would be awesome to feel awesome. Also, he has a model for a girlfriend, and although I am anti-girlfriend, if you have to have one, she might as well be a model and she might as well look like this…

 Uhhh... Yes, please.

7. Derek Jeter - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 7.875

The - Captain. He is the face of the greatest sports team in the US, the New York Yankees. I don’t care where you are from, including New England, you can’t honestly try and argue this. Yeah, in LA they think it’s the Lakers, in Dallas, the Cowboys, in Boston, the Red Sox, or the Patriots, or the Celtics, or BC, or anyone else but the Yankees. Everywhere else, it’s the Yankees. Derek Jeter has won five World Series titles and like a champion has managed to stay unmarried the entire time. His girlfriend list looks like the casting call for an Ocean’s movie: Mariah Carey, Former Miss Universe Lara Dutta (she’s probably not that hot though…right?), Joy Enriquez, Jordana Brewster, Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba. Why would any sports star ever get married!!! Jeter isn’t even good looking!!! (Derek, if you’re reading this I am so sorry I just said that!)

 He's no 10, that's for sure.

If Jeter would ever just swing his thick three foot schlong over his shoulder and strut around the field to accrue some better SWAG points, he’d be #1 on this list, but he won’t, and that’s part of why he’s so awesome. It just keeps him from being…the awesome-est.

6. David Beckham - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 10, SWAG - 7 = AS - 8.125

Love him or hate him, David Beckham is kind of awesome. We, America, might hate him, but he did put the MLS on the map for about 7 minutes -- Hey, Landon Donovan and Freddy Adu couldn’t do it -- What the hell happened to that dude, Freddy Adu? Wasn’t he supposed to be the next Pele? There’s still time… -- Beckham’s wife, an evil word to awesomeness, Victoria Beck, is smoking fine! Smoking hot and fine as hell at the same time. David Beckham’s abs make me want to get in shape. I stress want to. If you’re driving around with your wife and you see a billboard of David Beckham, and she doesn’t think he’s good looking. Pull over and drop her the eff off, because she is one wack ass bitch! How can you trust her to raise your child if her eye’s and brain are miss communicating so severely?

He plays a kick ass sport -- yeah, soccer kicks ass when the players are good and the games actually matter -- he is known in the US and around the world, he’s married to a Barbie doll… I’d say that’s pretty awesome. If I was awesome, I would love to be David Beckham.

 If a girl walks in and sees this, you're getting some.

5. Lebron James - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.125

“The King.” He got that nickname in high school, that and “The Chosen One.” He started drawing comparisons to Michael Jordon in the third grade, I’m sure some loser said it, and he’s actually coming close to backing them up. He is simply a man, and because of that, he is the man. His numbers are a joke! He averages more assists than most point guards, more rebounds than most centers and 29.7 points a game, second in the league.

He does it all with the Swagger of… Well, of Lebron James. No one has ever had more fun playing the game. He dances before games, on the bench, jokes with fans. If he wasn’t so damn good he would be a huge swaggot -- yes, I just created this word, I guarantee you hear someone else say it in less than a month. It’s going to be HUGE…

Swaggot -  |’swag•got| (n.) A person who exhibits cocky, “look at me” behaviors that his skill level, or the game situation, do not warrant: 1.Why is that running back celebrating his one yard touchdown run with his team down 42 points? Hmmmm…maybe because he’s a swaggot? 2. Milton Bradley is a swaggot.

Boy it would be awesome to be Lebron…if he wasn’t dating a 4. Awkward…

You can't see the basket, you can't see the floor. You know it was awesome!

4. Tony Romo - S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 10, WWA - 3, SWAG - 9 = AS - 8.25

WHAT?!? Tony Romo at number four, that’s crazy! He’s not even one of the ten best players in the NFL! Well maybe that’s not what this is about, maybe, just maybe, dude is really effing awesome! Let’s play word association - Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Sophia Bush, Candice Crawford -- Girls I would pay to get with.

 That's...a game changer.

Are you serious?!?! What is awesomeness for, if not for getting hot, famous chicks? Four years ago, he was an Eastern Illinois graduate, i think he graduated, and a third string quarterback in the NFL. Now he’s the starting QB of America’s Team and the hot blonds are lining up. Talk about rags to riches!!! The kicker? He does it all with a smile on his face and a strut in his step. He loves what he does, is great at it, and KNOWS IT! Tony, I would love to be you if I was Awesome!

3. Tiger Woods - S - 6, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 10, SWAG - 8 = AS - 8.5

We’ve all heard too much about how shitty Tiger Wood’s life is recently, let’s look at the positives. He is married to a fox. Elin is smoking hot, she was a model, she still could be. While married to her, he has still been getting with every other decent looking woman he sees. Sounds pretty sweet to me. Whether you believe he shouldn’t have been doing it, he shouldn’t have gotten caught, or everything is peachy. What it has done is really put Tiger Woods on the map in Laos, Bangladesh and Estonia, the three countries with people who didn’t know who he was already. (side note: I believe that he shouldn’t have done it, but if no one knows about it, it’s like it’s not actually happening.)

As much as you hate Tiger, by my grading system, he’s pretty awesome. Golf is a pretty great sport, Tiger is an icon everywhere in the world, his sex life is more than legit, maybe not anymore, but…he’s bigger than his sport and has no one to thank except himself, and maybe Steve Williams and Butch Harmon, but really just himself, and I hate thanking people so that’s a definite plus.

Currently, maybe not that awesome, but if I was awesome a few years ago, or a few years in the future, I’d be Tiger.

 I don't know about current Tiger, but this Tiger... Living the good life.

2. Usain Bolt - S - 10, IS - 8, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 11 = AS - 8.5

Really? A sprinter? That’s not that cool. Wrong. Fastest Man Alive is one of the coolest titles there is along with Best Halo Player and Best Beirut Shot. Can you imagine being Usain Bolt at a high school party that is getting busted by the cops? He would be pulling away from cop cars on foot! That is awesome.

I notice I gave him an 11 for Swag. That’s weird, I thought it was out of 10. It was, and then Usain Bolt changed things in the Olympics, on the biggest stage, by high stepping to a world record in the 100 meter and then showboating before the 200m and smashing Michael Johnson’s unbreakable world record. No one is better at what they do by as much as Usain Bolt. Michael Phelps has a lot of Olympic bling, but he had help from teammates and the luck of that average dude who’s married to Marisa Miller. Phelps wasn’t blowing people away, he was edging them out by hundredths of seconds. Bolt makes other world class sprinters look like they are standing still. He pulls away like no one we’ve ever seen and he flaunts it. He is known all over the world and even though he’s dating a suspect honey…I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt that relationships are more laid back in Jamaica man. It would best super awesome to be Usain "The Bolt" Bolt.

 'nuff said.

Finally, the number one person it would be awesome to be, if I was awesome…

1. Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro -- S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 8, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.875

I just lost a lot of friends, but the numbers don’t lie. Sometimes when people hate you it’s because you suck, other times it’s because they are jealous and want to be you. If you don’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo you better be in the top ten of this list. Sorry to pick on Michael Phelps, but if Michael Phelps doesn’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo, he’s an idiot. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid footballer ever, he must be top 10 in the world looks wise, is only 25, is known everywhere, and every time you see a picture of him there is a beautiful woman on his arm. EVERY FREAKING TIME!

Please tell me what this guy doesn’t have? The love and affection of every single person in the world? Good, I want to be a bad boy. Would you rather be Payton Manning or Tony Romo? Take your Super Bowl ring and close nit family, Payton, I’ll take Candice Crawford. Being awesome is about being awesome, it’s about making people want to be you, not making friends. I’m not picking someone I want to lead my family in prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, that’s a no brainer, it’s Tim Tebow. I’m picking someone who I wouldn’t let my daughter near, who I wouldn’t feel 100% comfortable being friends with, who makes me think that God doesn’t actually spend the same amount of time on all of us. Maybe I’m just a nice guy and I’ll never be awesome, but out on that swing set at four in the morning, swinging way higher than is safe for a grown ass man to swing, thinking about what it would be like and who I would be if I was awesome. I think about Cristiano Ronaldo because simply put, dudes the shit.

Making straight dudes on swing sets everywhere question their sexuality.

If you think anyone was left off this list, I don’t care what you think, because you’re not awesome. You’re not out there every night on that swing set busting your ass to swing higher than ever before. So you don’t get a damn vote!