Is This As Good As It Gets?

Some nights -- usually Sundays and Wednesdays -- I take off all of my clothes, stand in front of the mirror and think, maybe this is as good as it gets. It’s at precisely this moment, unless I’m wasted or high, I remember, with the help of the mirror, that I’m overweight, pale, balding, and haven’t had sex since 1992 and if this is as good as it gets, FML, I’m taking an off road trip to the golden gate bridge.

What I’ve learned through my field research is that other people actually lead good, fulfilling lives. I would go so far as to say that some people actually like their lives. They would stand in front of the mirror naked, a gorgeous blonde on the bowl behind them and think, man, I’m the man. This is about those people. The people who are at the tipity-top, everyone loves them, hot girls and hot guys want to be slayed by them, they defecate mint chocolate chip ice cream, and they have more than just their parents following them on twitter, millions more. Things couldn’t be better, but a word of caution for this tale. When things are as good as they get, there is no where to go but down.

The following people should be advised to enjoy the mint chocolate ice cream while it’s flowing, because the way I see it, it won’t be for much longer.

Amar’e

 This might be Brian Scalabrine if he played with Steve Nash

The poster child for what Steve Nash can do for your basketball career, and the really sad thing is, I don’t think he knows it. Almost all of his baskets are wide open jump shots or even better, dunks, served up perfectly by Nash. When he moves on this off season and doesn’t have one of the best PG’s in the league, his numbers will take a huge hit.

Ubaldo Jimenez

 1.16? That's like hitting .460.

12-1, 1.16 ERA (was under one a week ago), .97 WHIP, 84 strikeouts, and a .180 BAA. 96 MPH cheese and a wicked breaking ball still shouldn’t equal these untouchable numbers. The bloop singles are being caught, the hard ground balls turned into double plays and the few line drives snatched out of the year. I don’t care how good Ubaldo is, he will not have an ERA under 2.0. A WHIP that close to an ERA is a sure sign that luck is on Ubaldo’s side, but for how long?

Ke$ha

 Tik Tok...Tik Tok

A one hit wonder in an age where it’s impossible. TiK ToK was an alright song to listen to on the radio. I maybe even sang along once or twenty times, but her new songs, not good. Just really not great, and they would not have been on the radio ten years ago. Bottom line, enjoy this CD, odds are it’s her last.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 What a motley crew

Show is unreal funny, but can they really keep it up? All shows lose some of their luster after the first few seasons. Will Charlie’s crazy antics get old? Will we stop finding Dee somewhat attractive? Will Frank lose weight and his appeal. Will Mac and Dennis stop doing…what they do to make them funny? Actually…probably not, but all shows lose some edge after a while so enjoy it while you can.

The Padres

 

 The best record in the National League with the second lowest payroll in the entire league-- their payroll is $37,799,300, let’s choose a random team…the Yankees is $206,333, 389. They have a team ERA under 3, nearly a run better than let’s say…the Yankees’ 3.82 ERA and the Padre’s entire team makes almost half of what the Yankees five starters make - $24,000,000 + $16,500,000 + $11,500,000 + $11,750,000 + $447,000 = $64,197,000.

With such a young team, an over performing pitching staff and no stars besides A Gon… Padres fans should get to the park sooner than later.

And the winner is…

LeBron James

What if I told you that in five years LeBron James was going to be a role player on a below .500 D-League team? You’d probably assume that I was severely mentally handicapped and politely excuse yourself from the conversation, and you’d be right to do so. That’s not even close to what I’m saying here. I’m simply positing the possibility that this might be the summit of LeBron’s life. There, someone finally said it.

 LeBron takes out his pec to let you know he's better than you

LeBronLeBron. Maybe too good?

LeBron has never won an NBA title. He has only been to the finals once and was swept 4-0. He is about to sign a max contract and lock himself into a franchise for the best playing years of his career, if he makes the wrong decision…

If LeBron doesn’t win a championship it will be a disastrous career. When you’re as talented as he is, it’s not about your team, it’s about you. Even if he only wins one title he can’t be mentioned with the names he is now, Jordan, Kobe, Wilt, Shaq, Bird Russell, as an all time great. So the pressure continues to grow and grow until it reaches an A Rod type state and nothing matters except from the playoffs. A one seed and an MVP only adds to the choking in the playoffs, and soon it’s the only thing LeBron can think about.

So…live it up LeBron, because things are going to get worse, they just kind of have to.

I hope this is a word to the wise for all you high school quarterback captains, prom queens, fraternity presidents and hot moms with the impossibly tight bodies, the end is near. It might not come tomorrow, or the next day, but it will come. It might not be in the form of a 6-2 sophomore with a rocket arm, or a horrific scarring case of chicken pox, or a wicked awesome party where some bros are caught doing some BTH -- black tar heroine -- in the back room and rat you out, or a baby that makes your vagina look like a creature from Zelda Ocarina of Time, but it will come. Be ready, and keep your head help low, for you my friend will be average again. 

2010 NBA Free Agency: It Just Kind Of Makes Sense

If I could be a fly on the wall, I would spend a lot of time at the Playboy Mansion, but when I was bored of that-- rather, one Sunday a year when my man parts were chafed beyond recognition, I would head out and do other things. What would I do this year? I would go sit in on this NBA Free Agent Pow-wow I’m hearing so much about.

How many guys do you think are hiding in closets and under beds in this place?

Party Host: Dwyane Wade

Invited guests: LeBron James, Joe Johnson

People who invited themselves like that kid you weren’t really friends with in elementary school: Chris Bosh

People who got the nod as soon as they lost in the Playoffs: Amar’e Stoudamire

People who should be invited, but aren’t… as of now: Carlos Boozer, Dirk Nowitzki

 I'm guessing this guy throws a fun party

These are the seven top tier free agents, how they rank, and which fictional superstar they are most like:

1. LeBron James - The single greatest free agent of all time --  Superman -- Go dunk hard Dwight Howard, LeBron is the Superman of this free agent class.

2. Dwyane Wade - Franchise changer --  Batman -- He’s the man, but he’s human.

3. Dirk Nowitzki - 7’1” and so pure. -- James Bond -- Can you imagine him as a second option? That’s like James Bond teaming up with Sherlock Holmes. Yes please.

4. Chris Bosh - Real solid 20-10 guy, but just not a guy I like claiming as my main man --  The Hulk -- Don’t want him playing charades at my dinner party.  Maybe it’s just me.

5. Carlos Boozer - Deron Williams is a championship quality point guard, which means… Boozer isn’t a championship big man… or it just means that the Lakers are mad good -- Cyclops -- Yeah…but I want more.

6. Amar’e Stoudemire - Obviously a good player, but let me let you in on a little secret; Nash made him what he is! -- Robin -- he’ll fight the goons as Batman battles the King Pin.

7. Joe Johnson - Does what a role player could do, slightly better, for 15x as much loot --  Kick-Ass -- Call me old fashioned, but please just send a cop.

 The Hulk has issues taking constructive criticism

Okay, two teams, the Knicks and the Heat, can afford two max contracts-- Wade would of course count as one of the Heat’s if he chose to stay. Several other teams can afford one: the Wizards, Timberwolves, Clippers, Nets, Bulls. The only way for three or more of these players to wind up on the same team is if they decide to take less money and try to do something special… ha ha ha-- I crack myself up some times. Money is status. You think LeBron is willing to make less than Wade? Less than Amar’e? Less than Joe Johnson? I could see Bosh or Wade doing it, but if no one else is? Let’s be realistic here, we’re not seeing three of these guys on any team.

So how is it going to shake out? Only one way to figure it out. We need to think like an NBA player. Step 1: Bludgeon yourself in the temple with a hammer or other blunt object. (Reason - Most NBA players didn’t go to college, many didn’t pay attention in High School… We’re turning it down a notch… mentally.) Step 2: Sleep with seven smoking hot babes in one night without wearing a condom. Make sure not to think for a single second that there is anything remotely wrong with what you are doing. (Reason - If you’re an NBA superstar, you’re the man. Don’t you ever forget that.) Step 3: Take some crack. (Reason - You want to speed up the decision making process so you can bone the seven other girls who are currently locked in your closet…not that you need to lock them in your closet…you just do what you want. Yeah.)

 Dwayne Bowe called them "imports." I call them sluts.

Okay so… THUD… YES YES YES YES YES YES YES (one for each girl…I mean woman) and Hhhhhhhhhhhh… OKOKOKOKOK Let’s do this, I have things to do…I mean women.

Why the hell would anyone want to play in Minnesota? Chicago is cool. Miami has hotter women. Should I have loyalty to the team I play for now?  New York is the largest market. LA has more celebrities. Will John Wall be better than Derek Rose? Do the fans have loyalty to me when my shot’s off and we get blown out? Did I forget to flush the toilet? Why would anyone play for the Clippers when Jack Nicholson roots for the Lakers? The Nets new owner rubs me the wrong way. The Timberwolves literally have nothing to offer. Wait a second; I’m still on the toilet. I can play with a friend in NY or Miami. Three of us could play together if I take less mo-- F*ck that. The other guys should take less money. I’m paying a lot of child support here. Wait a second! This isn’t a toilet, it’s a bath tub! You think LeBron is better looking than me? Dirk seems a little off, I don’t think he’d make a great wingman. Is Boozer a Mormon now? If I take a shower do I still have to wipe?

You do.

And…he passes out alone… I’ll take it from here. No hammer, no girls, slightly less crack.

As cool as it sounds, LeBron and Wade can’t play with each other. They can’t. They are both at their best with the ball in their hands. As awesome as it plays out in our minds, it wouldn’t work.

The best possible teammates are LeBron/Dirk or Wade/Dirk-- interesting how Dirk is the player in both. Unfortunately, Cuban is by far the best owner (he's fun and he goes for it every year), so Dirk re-signs-- Also, doesn’t Dirk have some troubled lover in Dallas he needs to take care of?

 Dirk stays.

Joe Johnson does the work of Anthony Parker or Daequan Cook for a boatload more money. Being the “best player” in Atlanta, he always has the ball, playing with LeBron or Wade he becomes Rashard Lewis -- A HUGE WASTE OF MONEY! He’s out!

So Wade and LeBron -- see how I switched the order of their names to share the respect -- have to choose a big man they can win with, or LeBron can return home to a half decent supporting cast. No, I won’t have that. LeBron is leaving Cleveland, but for where? He is leaving so that he can be the greatest basketball player of all time, not so he can be the second best Chicago Bull ever. LeBron going to Chicago would be moronic. He’s smarter than that… I think… I hope… Not to mention that LeBron needs the ball in his hands and so does Rose. Give me LeBron, a quick  PG and SG who can shoot, a hustling, scrappy PF and a good to great C and you have a dynasty. LeBron is confused, what he does know is that he is too cool to look desperate, he waits…

Wade, Amar’e and Bosh seem to be the guys who are really into this, two of these guys will play together. Bosh is better than Amar’e, but other people don’t seem to realize this because Amar’e’s (that doesn’t look right) dunks are harder-- I do find his dunks impressive, don’t get me wrong, but they are set up by Nash and any power forward can dunk. So what should be a very formidable Batman and Hulk dynamic duo in Miami turns into Batman and Robin, and we all know how that turns out- I didn’t see Robin in The Dark Knight… MIAMI is happy, and should be, but not as happy as they are.

 Did Robin demand a speaking role? Stupid.

So what is NY left to work with? Bosh, Johnson, and Boozer, and oh, LEBRON. LeBron steps up and says I want to be the man, and teamed with Chris Bosh and point guard Sergio Rodriguez (my sleeper Steve Nash for three years now) they will be the perennial favorites to win it all. NY wins BIG!

 I could dig on this for realz!

So who is left? Joe Johnson and Boozer. Boozer goes to the Nets, and with Lopez (I can’t believe both of these Stanford psychos are actually good NBA players) and Harris they are actually all right. As for Joe Johnson…every GM in the league reads this entry and is like, "this kid has a point." He ends up signing a 10 day contract with the Timberwolves a week before the season. Obviously in the mean time he found where I lived and broke both my legs.

Rudy Gay to the Clippers. He’s not on the list and the Clippers aren’t worth talking about (they may be next year…) so it works out nicely.

It's a huge year and no matter what happens there are going to be some fireworks. We can only hope and pray that LeBron and Wade change teams because come on, that's just more exciting that way. We've seen what Miami and Cleveland are like. I want to see them in some new jerseys.

Yeah He’s a Professional Athlete, But What If He Was A Woman?

 I spend a lot of time thinking... "What if I didn't have this ginormous schlong and instead had a ginormous vagina. That would be different." Well no one cares about my wang, but they do care about professional athlete's wangs. So let's take a look at what some professional athletes would be like without the Y chromosome.

Peyton Manning - Nuclear Physicist -- Large forehead, larger brain…

The Mannings didn’t take kindly to having a girl. The few hours a day Peytonina was allowed out of her under-the-basement-stairs closet bedroom, she was usually beaten, she was most certainly not invited to Old Miss tailgates or Saints games with the rest of her family. That was okay with her, Peytonina was a perfectionist more interested in atomic nuclei than oblong balls. She attended the Princeton University -- she had to take out several massive loans because Archie refused to pay saying that she should have gotten a football scholarship. At Princeton Peytonina had no trouble keeping away the douchey boys, she was incredibly unattractive and they wanted no part of her, luckily she spent most of her time in the comforts of a dark lab. She would go on to greatly contribute to the safe use of nuclear energy in America. Where would nuclear physics be without Peyton.

Derek Jeter - First Female President of the USA -- A natural born leader…

Some of us were just born to lead. Derekina is one of them. At the age of five she was class president of her towns High School! At twelve she was President and CEO of her family’s not-for-profit organization-- Derekina, her sister and her parents all voted, it was unanimous. After graduating from Yale University where she would meet and fall in love with heartthrob Jordan Brewster, Derekina would get into politics. She rose quickly through the ranks and would beat out scarcely know, and never to be known well, Alaskan governor Sarah Palin to be the Republican parties choice for Vice President in the 2008 before winning the Presidential Election in 2016. 

 Palin is a relative unknown in a world with Derekina. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?

Ray Lewis - Yoga Instructor -- One…In…Two…Out…

Rachael Lewis had quite the mean streak as a child. She would just start yelling at random people who would have no idea who she was or what she was talking about, “Oh, I’ve got a fat ass, do I???” “You think my dog’s a slut???” “You think I’m a crazy ho???” Then Rachael would attack, usually leaving the confused KFC patron -- that’s where she worked -- naked on a street corner with three pieces of original recipe chicken. Finally caught and sent to juvie, Rachael was taught to control her rage by using ancient meditation and breathing practices, we call yoga. Today Rachael is one of the most beloved instructors in Baltimore and rarely kills a student.

 You may think you're good, but Rachael could make you great...or kill you in a moment of rage.

Apolo Anton Ohno - Ballet Dancer -- She move, she move like a breeze…

Have you ever taken a minute just to watch ballet? I haven’t either, but had we, we might have said to ourselves, that’s pretty darn neat. That’s what Polly Anton Ohno thought, so she decided to give it a try. Turns out she had some wicked quick feet and looked hella baller in a tight spandex suit. You may have seen her in Les Sylphide or Swan Lake, but odd are you didn’t, because you’re not cultured like French people.

 This is Apolo. Take away the Gotee... Polly.

Alex Rodriguez - Model Gone Montag -- Natural talent not enough…

Alexa Rodriguez was a beautiful, skinny swimsuit model who wanted more. See…when Alexa looked in the mirror she didn’t see the same beautiful girl that everyone else saw-- think Heidi Montage only Alexa was actually good looking. So Alexa went under the knife getting lots of surgeries that I will now list for you --  eyelid reduction, nose revision, nipple raisers, fat injections in forehead and ass, lower back augmentation, chin roundification, neck liposuction. With all of the enhancements Alexa was considered somewhat of a cheater and ultimately she was resigned to stripping in a Hooters in Southern Florida…she has six children with seven different fathers.

Picture this, but hotter. That's what we're missing out on.

Roger Federer - Stay At Home Mother -- Roger always had dinner on the table at seven…

Not an overly attractive woman, Robin Federer had to do the little things to get a man. She cooks like Julia Childs, makes babies like Kate Gosselin -- I know, let’s not get into semantics -- raises children like Marry Poppins and pleasures her man like Lil Kim, and she does it all while making six figures from home. But I must stress again…she’s not very good looking, and thus, even with all of these talents, still had to settle for an overweight, unattractive, lazy husband.

 Sooo...picture him looking like...her.

Cristiano Ronaldo - Smokin’ Hot Tease -- You want it, you want it, you can’t have it…

Christiana Ronaldo is one smoking hot babe with even smokinger body parts. The problem, not that anyone has trouble looking past it -- at her perfect breasts! -- she knows it, and she puts her own pussy on a pedestal the Gods on Mt. Olympus have to strain their necks to look up at. Her favorite game? She lets you pay for an extravagant dinner, lets you pay for Dom at the club, lets you want her more than you want Reese Witherspoon after watching Cruel Intentions, and then she gives you a kiss on the cheek and you never see her again. Bull shit Christiana; We fork out the dough, we get some mo! That ain’t new girl!

 That, but a girl...any takers?

Serena Williams… Wait… Serena is a girl? Awkward…

 Am I missing something here? Or is everyone else?

Albert Pujols - Softball player -- Dude was just born to mash balls…

A thick, ugly Latin American girl, Alberta was made fun of for most of for most of her youth. That’s until she discovered a bat in the shed behind her school. After beating down twenty some odd boys in her class, a teacher threw a cantaloupe at Alberta in an attempt to knock her out. Witnesses claim that Alberta hit the cantaloupe around 450 ft over a small well that the school used for drinking water. A few weeks later Scott Boras had Alberta in the US with a green card. In the years to come she would make Jessica Mendoza look like an attractive, subpar softball player.

Aberta makes Jessica look like a model.

Adam "Pac Man" Jones - Stripper -- Make it rain…

Amy “Ms. Pac Man” Jones always had a love for dark areas, sleezy men and poles. It’s no wonder she became a stripper. There is really not much else to say here…

Warren Sapp - Cave Dweller -- She made Precious look like Hallie Berry…

Three hundred and thirty pound women are rare and not really in demand these days. That is why after not making it onto the Biggest Loser and missing out on a movie role in the movie Precious, Warrina Sapp decided to get away from it all and move into a damp cave in a high mountain. It has been rumored that the book Where the Wild Things Are is loosely based on Warrina and that several Big Foot sightings have actually been a naked Warrina crapping in the woods.

 Warrina?

Lebron James - Receptionist -- Born to be the best…

Even in high school, it was clear to just about everyone that Lebronsha James was “The Chosen One.” She was born to be the greatest…receptionist of all time. Dropping out of high school at the age of fifteen, Lebronsha got a job as a customer service rep at Hewlett Packard and started breaking records! Fastest call resulting in positive feedback -- 2.3 seconds, most consecutive calls answered without break -- 2,094, fastest call back after dropped call, 1.4 seconds, most consecutive calls without a frustrated sigh -- 295,455,342 and counting… Lebronsha put the customer back in customer service and did it making $8.75 an hour. She is already forgotten by those who knew her.

Phil Mickleson - Porn Star -- If you got it, flaunt it…

Sitting at career day at the age of eight, Phyllis Mickleson wanted to be a fire fighter. Her teachers encouraged her with a smile, but they knew that there was only one profession for a second grader with D-cup breasts. Phyllis was going to be a porn star -- and a damn good one she would become. Known in the biz as “Lefty Breasty” for her larger left breast (HH compared to FF), Phyllis brings a friendly smile and a “not afraid to be second best” attitude to your laptop computer. Unfortunately for Phyllis she’s not the clutchest of p-stars and often chokes at the end of scenes. Oh well, she’ll get better with more experience. Let’s remember, she is only eighteen. 

If he was a girl they would be HUGE...R

Looks like these professional athletes would make some pretty special ladies. I don't think I'm alone when I say that I am extremely upset they were born men.

Next Article: Public Restroom Etiquette -- It's never okay to complement their shoes. Never.

If I Was Awesome…Who Would I be? -- Sports Edition

Sometimes I think about things. Like really think. Like nothing else matters in the world except for me and my thoughts. How do I do it? First, I wait for my parents to fall asleep. They aren’t going to understand my thinking deep thoughts. When I am positive they are asleep, I start a timer and wait for two more hours to be extra certain they have entered rem sleep and are passed the eff out. When my timer rings, I sneak out my window and sprint into the woods behind my house. How do I manage to jump from a second story window each night without hurting myself? Ha! When I was little, I convinced my parents that I needed a fire escape ladder in case there was a fire in the hallway and I couldn’t get out of my room! Where’s the fire now, bitches!

Okay. So I’ve stealthily made my way out of my house and am now sprinting through the woods. I know what you simpletons are probably thinking. Why are you sprinting though the woods, won’t that make noise? OF COURSE IT WILL MAKE NOISE! Obviously, I am sprinting because I don’t want someone to hear me sneaking! If someone hears running in the woods behind their house at one in the morning they will think it’s a bear or a wild boar, not a human, especially at the rabid pace at which I am moving!

So I finally get to John Williamson Elementary about a three hour sprint from my house-- I actually think it might be in the next state over, but I have not confirmed this. While there are closer parks to my house, they all have far less cool playground equipment. At this time at night I have the entire park all to myself, aside from a homeless man who usually tries to force intercourse on me, before passing out drunk. Now fully alone, I sit down on one of the small swings, lean back, and start to sway. Soon I am really making that lightweight child’s swing set sweat-- try saying that five times while on shrooms. I’m getting some serious air that Napoleon Dynamite himself would be proud of because I’m remembering my fundamentals.  I make sure to tuck my legs on backward swings and extend them straight in front of me on forward swings. It’s pretty damn awesome.

Anyway, when I start really getting high, I close one eye, stare up into the starlit sky with the other, and I think about what it would be like if I had my closed eye open, and my open eye closed. This takes me to a deep, deep, deep deep place where I can then ask myself the real question: “What if I was awesome? -- Sports Edition.”

Sometimes it’s cool to not be awesome, but it’s always awesome to be awesome, and who is more awesome than a professional athlete? No one! Not even you Barak Obama. I know you’re reading this! Stupid White Sox cap at the Nationals game! NOT AWESOME! SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!

So here are the eight athletes I would be if I was awesome, in order of how awesome it would be.

The Awesomeness Scale, or AS to those in the know, is a combination of eight factors:

Sport (S) - What sport do you play? How awesome is that sport?

Icon Status (IS) - Are you an icon? How many people I talk to each day know you’re awesome?

Sex Life x2 (SL) - Are you making use of your awesomeness?

World Wide Appeal (WWA) - If I say your name in Somalia will someone say, “dude is awesome!”?

Swagger x3 (SWAG) - Do you let everyone know that you are awesome? Do you make them mad? Do you make them try harder, even try to cheat…and then still beat them?

People who aren’t awesome can’t have swagger, when they try it is called being lame or being a douche. If you are awesome, you need to let your two big swaggernuts hang low! That is what being awesome is really truly about.

Awesome Consolation List -- Sports Edition

For making the consolation list an athlete gets the knowledge that he was considered, his AS, and one line to explain why he isn’t as cool as I, or he, previously thought he was. For those who didn’t make the list, look in the mirror, how is you making out for you? My guess is not all that well.

29. Georges St. Pierre - S - 5, IS - 4, SL - 3, WWA - 6, SWAG - 3 = AS - 3.75

- That Under Armour suit he wears in that commercial makes me uncomfortable.

28. Ichiro - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 2, WWA - 7, SWAG - 2 = AS - 4.375

- Maybe it’s the language barrier or could it be the fact that his wife is a two…

27. Roger Federer - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 1, WWA - 9, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.625

- She looks like a really…nice woman… I’m sure she’s nice…Yeah… nice...

26. Michael Phelps - S - 4, IS - 10, SL - 6, WWA - 8, SWAG - 4 = AS - 5.75

- If he sat next to me on the bus, I might move, nay, I would move.

 This suit also makes me more than a little bit uncomfortable.

25. Brock Lesnar - S - 5, IS - 5, SL - 5, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 5.75

- I wouldn’t climb into a ring or a bed with him. Would you?

24. Lance Armstrong - S - 3, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 10, SWAG - 5 = AS - 5.75

- It’s not not the testicle things… not not…

23. Manny Pacquiao - S - 10, IS - 6, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.875

- You are awesome. Just in a different way…

22. Tim Lincecum - S - 10 (pitcher), IS - 7, SL - 4, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.375

- Spends a little too much time hanging out with his dad. I love my dad but... Hot chicks Timmy!

21. Laird Hamilton - S - 10, IS - 3, SL - 4, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 6.5

- Could-- Should be so much higher, but the numbers do the talking.

Hey, he got a 10 for sport!

20. Sidney Crosby - S - 5, IS - 7, SL - 7, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 6.5

- For a cool guy, very punchable.

19. Dwight Howard - S - 8, IS - 7, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.5

- He wants on this list way too bad.

18. Steve Nash - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.625

- Love this guy, but as cool guys go. He’s in the middle of the pack.

17. Adrian Peterson - S - 9, IS - 6, SL - 6, WWA - 4, SWAG - 8 = AS - 6.875

- Some people still don’t know who “All Day” AP is. I know you AP, I know you.

16. Alex Ovechkin - S - 5, IS - 6, SL - 4, WWA - 7, SWAG - 10 = AS - 7

- Unreal to watch, too bad it’s hockey. Also, he met one of his girl friend’s online. WHA?!

15. Dwyane Wade - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 7, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.125

- My favorite basketball player, but too nice of a guy. Get back up Dwyane, get back up!

14. Albert Pujols - S - 9, IS - 8, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.125

- Have you seen his wife… Ahh… Albert? News Flash! Girls want to tell other girls that you were inside of them!

13. Rafael Nadal - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.25

- Doesn’t have enough “in your face” game.

 I'm not greedy. I'd take Nadal in my awesome fantasy-life draft.

12. Evan Longoria - S - 9, IS - 5, SL - 7, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.375

- Do you mean Eva Longoria? That’s what my girlfriend said… Well, if I had one, she might have said something like that.

11. Kobe Bryant - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.5

- Does something about Kobe annoy you? You’re not alone.

Did anyone else like Kobe more when he had hair?

The Awesome Ten -- If I was awesome. These are the top ten people I would be! -- Sports Edition.

10. Tom Brady - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 7, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.75

Tom just does his thing. Easy, breezy, beautiful, Tom Brady. As far as sports go, it doesn’t get much better than football. As far as football positions go, it doesn’t get much better than quarterback. As far as quarterbacks go, it doesn’t get much better than three Super Bowl rings. As far as girlfriends go, it doesn’t get much better than Gisele. When I think “baller,” I think skills, grace, looks…I think Tom Brady. You can’t question Tom at number 10, he’s just awesome.

  If tapping that every night doesn’t get you into the top ten, there shouldn’t be a top 10

9. Alex Rodriguez - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 7, WWA - 9, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.875

A Rod has A LOT of short comings. Fortunately for him, they weren’t what I was judging awesomeness on. A Rod has been a household name for more than a decade because… oh yeah, he’s built like Achilles, he’s the highest paid player in baseball, check-it, sports, he plays for the New York Yankees -- finally getting the fans off his back for good last season winning the playoff MVP award -- he was hooking up with Kate Hudson and (cough) Madonna (she’s an icon people, please), and lets not forget he’s best buds with The Captain (maybe a slight exaggeration).

 Okay, ARod, okay... Well, maybe not okay.

He may have cheated baseball, but he definitely didn’t cheat his way onto this list. A Rod is about as awesome as they come.

8. Lionel Messi - S - 9, IS - 4, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.875

Eleven goals in 5 games - gets - your - dick - wet! Like soaking wet! Like Wilt Chamberlain in Jenna Haze in a Hurricane wet. That is ridiculous. You could argue that it is a more impressive feat than hitting 11 homeruns in five games. You’d be wrong, but you could argue it.

Soccer is a world wide sport. People love the other football in every country except the good ‘ole USA. Messi is arguably the best footballer in the world. Therefore he is arguable the best athlete in the world. See how I did that? How would it feel to be the best athlete in the world at 22? Pretty awesome I’d guess, and it would be awesome to feel awesome. Also, he has a model for a girlfriend, and although I am anti-girlfriend, if you have to have one, she might as well be a model and she might as well look like this…

 Uhhh... Yes, please.

7. Derek Jeter - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 7.875

The - Captain. He is the face of the greatest sports team in the US, the New York Yankees. I don’t care where you are from, including New England, you can’t honestly try and argue this. Yeah, in LA they think it’s the Lakers, in Dallas, the Cowboys, in Boston, the Red Sox, or the Patriots, or the Celtics, or BC, or anyone else but the Yankees. Everywhere else, it’s the Yankees. Derek Jeter has won five World Series titles and like a champion has managed to stay unmarried the entire time. His girlfriend list looks like the casting call for an Ocean’s movie: Mariah Carey, Former Miss Universe Lara Dutta (she’s probably not that hot though…right?), Joy Enriquez, Jordana Brewster, Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba. Why would any sports star ever get married!!! Jeter isn’t even good looking!!! (Derek, if you’re reading this I am so sorry I just said that!)

 He's no 10, that's for sure.

If Jeter would ever just swing his thick three foot schlong over his shoulder and strut around the field to accrue some better SWAG points, he’d be #1 on this list, but he won’t, and that’s part of why he’s so awesome. It just keeps him from being…the awesome-est.

6. David Beckham - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 10, SWAG - 7 = AS - 8.125

Love him or hate him, David Beckham is kind of awesome. We, America, might hate him, but he did put the MLS on the map for about 7 minutes -- Hey, Landon Donovan and Freddy Adu couldn’t do it -- What the hell happened to that dude, Freddy Adu? Wasn’t he supposed to be the next Pele? There’s still time… -- Beckham’s wife, an evil word to awesomeness, Victoria Beck, is smoking fine! Smoking hot and fine as hell at the same time. David Beckham’s abs make me want to get in shape. I stress want to. If you’re driving around with your wife and you see a billboard of David Beckham, and she doesn’t think he’s good looking. Pull over and drop her the eff off, because she is one wack ass bitch! How can you trust her to raise your child if her eye’s and brain are miss communicating so severely?

He plays a kick ass sport -- yeah, soccer kicks ass when the players are good and the games actually matter -- he is known in the US and around the world, he’s married to a Barbie doll… I’d say that’s pretty awesome. If I was awesome, I would love to be David Beckham.

 If a girl walks in and sees this, you're getting some.

5. Lebron James - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.125

“The King.” He got that nickname in high school, that and “The Chosen One.” He started drawing comparisons to Michael Jordon in the third grade, I’m sure some loser said it, and he’s actually coming close to backing them up. He is simply a man, and because of that, he is the man. His numbers are a joke! He averages more assists than most point guards, more rebounds than most centers and 29.7 points a game, second in the league.

He does it all with the Swagger of… Well, of Lebron James. No one has ever had more fun playing the game. He dances before games, on the bench, jokes with fans. If he wasn’t so damn good he would be a huge swaggot -- yes, I just created this word, I guarantee you hear someone else say it in less than a month. It’s going to be HUGE…

Swaggot -  |’swag•got| (n.) A person who exhibits cocky, “look at me” behaviors that his skill level, or the game situation, do not warrant: 1.Why is that running back celebrating his one yard touchdown run with his team down 42 points? Hmmmm…maybe because he’s a swaggot? 2. Milton Bradley is a swaggot.

Boy it would be awesome to be Lebron…if he wasn’t dating a 4. Awkward…

You can't see the basket, you can't see the floor. You know it was awesome!

4. Tony Romo - S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 10, WWA - 3, SWAG - 9 = AS - 8.25

WHAT?!? Tony Romo at number four, that’s crazy! He’s not even one of the ten best players in the NFL! Well maybe that’s not what this is about, maybe, just maybe, dude is really effing awesome! Let’s play word association - Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Sophia Bush, Candice Crawford -- Girls I would pay to get with.

 That's...a game changer.

Are you serious?!?! What is awesomeness for, if not for getting hot, famous chicks? Four years ago, he was an Eastern Illinois graduate, i think he graduated, and a third string quarterback in the NFL. Now he’s the starting QB of America’s Team and the hot blonds are lining up. Talk about rags to riches!!! The kicker? He does it all with a smile on his face and a strut in his step. He loves what he does, is great at it, and KNOWS IT! Tony, I would love to be you if I was Awesome!

3. Tiger Woods - S - 6, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 10, SWAG - 8 = AS - 8.5

We’ve all heard too much about how shitty Tiger Wood’s life is recently, let’s look at the positives. He is married to a fox. Elin is smoking hot, she was a model, she still could be. While married to her, he has still been getting with every other decent looking woman he sees. Sounds pretty sweet to me. Whether you believe he shouldn’t have been doing it, he shouldn’t have gotten caught, or everything is peachy. What it has done is really put Tiger Woods on the map in Laos, Bangladesh and Estonia, the three countries with people who didn’t know who he was already. (side note: I believe that he shouldn’t have done it, but if no one knows about it, it’s like it’s not actually happening.)

As much as you hate Tiger, by my grading system, he’s pretty awesome. Golf is a pretty great sport, Tiger is an icon everywhere in the world, his sex life is more than legit, maybe not anymore, but…he’s bigger than his sport and has no one to thank except himself, and maybe Steve Williams and Butch Harmon, but really just himself, and I hate thanking people so that’s a definite plus.

Currently, maybe not that awesome, but if I was awesome a few years ago, or a few years in the future, I’d be Tiger.

 I don't know about current Tiger, but this Tiger... Living the good life.

2. Usain Bolt - S - 10, IS - 8, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 11 = AS - 8.5

Really? A sprinter? That’s not that cool. Wrong. Fastest Man Alive is one of the coolest titles there is along with Best Halo Player and Best Beirut Shot. Can you imagine being Usain Bolt at a high school party that is getting busted by the cops? He would be pulling away from cop cars on foot! That is awesome.

I notice I gave him an 11 for Swag. That’s weird, I thought it was out of 10. It was, and then Usain Bolt changed things in the Olympics, on the biggest stage, by high stepping to a world record in the 100 meter and then showboating before the 200m and smashing Michael Johnson’s unbreakable world record. No one is better at what they do by as much as Usain Bolt. Michael Phelps has a lot of Olympic bling, but he had help from teammates and the luck of that average dude who’s married to Marisa Miller. Phelps wasn’t blowing people away, he was edging them out by hundredths of seconds. Bolt makes other world class sprinters look like they are standing still. He pulls away like no one we’ve ever seen and he flaunts it. He is known all over the world and even though he’s dating a suspect honey…I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt that relationships are more laid back in Jamaica man. It would best super awesome to be Usain "The Bolt" Bolt.

 'nuff said.

Finally, the number one person it would be awesome to be, if I was awesome…

1. Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro -- S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 8, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.875

I just lost a lot of friends, but the numbers don’t lie. Sometimes when people hate you it’s because you suck, other times it’s because they are jealous and want to be you. If you don’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo you better be in the top ten of this list. Sorry to pick on Michael Phelps, but if Michael Phelps doesn’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo, he’s an idiot. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid footballer ever, he must be top 10 in the world looks wise, is only 25, is known everywhere, and every time you see a picture of him there is a beautiful woman on his arm. EVERY FREAKING TIME!

Please tell me what this guy doesn’t have? The love and affection of every single person in the world? Good, I want to be a bad boy. Would you rather be Payton Manning or Tony Romo? Take your Super Bowl ring and close nit family, Payton, I’ll take Candice Crawford. Being awesome is about being awesome, it’s about making people want to be you, not making friends. I’m not picking someone I want to lead my family in prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, that’s a no brainer, it’s Tim Tebow. I’m picking someone who I wouldn’t let my daughter near, who I wouldn’t feel 100% comfortable being friends with, who makes me think that God doesn’t actually spend the same amount of time on all of us. Maybe I’m just a nice guy and I’ll never be awesome, but out on that swing set at four in the morning, swinging way higher than is safe for a grown ass man to swing, thinking about what it would be like and who I would be if I was awesome. I think about Cristiano Ronaldo because simply put, dudes the shit.

Making straight dudes on swing sets everywhere question their sexuality.

If you think anyone was left off this list, I don’t care what you think, because you’re not awesome. You’re not out there every night on that swing set busting your ass to swing higher than ever before. So you don’t get a damn vote!