Yeah He’s a Professional Athlete, But What If He Was A Woman?

 I spend a lot of time thinking... "What if I didn't have this ginormous schlong and instead had a ginormous vagina. That would be different." Well no one cares about my wang, but they do care about professional athlete's wangs. So let's take a look at what some professional athletes would be like without the Y chromosome.

Peyton Manning - Nuclear Physicist -- Large forehead, larger brain…

The Mannings didn’t take kindly to having a girl. The few hours a day Peytonina was allowed out of her under-the-basement-stairs closet bedroom, she was usually beaten, she was most certainly not invited to Old Miss tailgates or Saints games with the rest of her family. That was okay with her, Peytonina was a perfectionist more interested in atomic nuclei than oblong balls. She attended the Princeton University -- she had to take out several massive loans because Archie refused to pay saying that she should have gotten a football scholarship. At Princeton Peytonina had no trouble keeping away the douchey boys, she was incredibly unattractive and they wanted no part of her, luckily she spent most of her time in the comforts of a dark lab. She would go on to greatly contribute to the safe use of nuclear energy in America. Where would nuclear physics be without Peyton.

Derek Jeter - First Female President of the USA -- A natural born leader…

Some of us were just born to lead. Derekina is one of them. At the age of five she was class president of her towns High School! At twelve she was President and CEO of her family’s not-for-profit organization-- Derekina, her sister and her parents all voted, it was unanimous. After graduating from Yale University where she would meet and fall in love with heartthrob Jordan Brewster, Derekina would get into politics. She rose quickly through the ranks and would beat out scarcely know, and never to be known well, Alaskan governor Sarah Palin to be the Republican parties choice for Vice President in the 2008 before winning the Presidential Election in 2016. 

 Palin is a relative unknown in a world with Derekina. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?

Ray Lewis - Yoga Instructor -- One…In…Two…Out…

Rachael Lewis had quite the mean streak as a child. She would just start yelling at random people who would have no idea who she was or what she was talking about, “Oh, I’ve got a fat ass, do I???” “You think my dog’s a slut???” “You think I’m a crazy ho???” Then Rachael would attack, usually leaving the confused KFC patron -- that’s where she worked -- naked on a street corner with three pieces of original recipe chicken. Finally caught and sent to juvie, Rachael was taught to control her rage by using ancient meditation and breathing practices, we call yoga. Today Rachael is one of the most beloved instructors in Baltimore and rarely kills a student.

 You may think you're good, but Rachael could make you great...or kill you in a moment of rage.

Apolo Anton Ohno - Ballet Dancer -- She move, she move like a breeze…

Have you ever taken a minute just to watch ballet? I haven’t either, but had we, we might have said to ourselves, that’s pretty darn neat. That’s what Polly Anton Ohno thought, so she decided to give it a try. Turns out she had some wicked quick feet and looked hella baller in a tight spandex suit. You may have seen her in Les Sylphide or Swan Lake, but odd are you didn’t, because you’re not cultured like French people.

 This is Apolo. Take away the Gotee... Polly.

Alex Rodriguez - Model Gone Montag -- Natural talent not enough…

Alexa Rodriguez was a beautiful, skinny swimsuit model who wanted more. See…when Alexa looked in the mirror she didn’t see the same beautiful girl that everyone else saw-- think Heidi Montage only Alexa was actually good looking. So Alexa went under the knife getting lots of surgeries that I will now list for you --  eyelid reduction, nose revision, nipple raisers, fat injections in forehead and ass, lower back augmentation, chin roundification, neck liposuction. With all of the enhancements Alexa was considered somewhat of a cheater and ultimately she was resigned to stripping in a Hooters in Southern Florida…she has six children with seven different fathers.

Picture this, but hotter. That's what we're missing out on.

Roger Federer - Stay At Home Mother -- Roger always had dinner on the table at seven…

Not an overly attractive woman, Robin Federer had to do the little things to get a man. She cooks like Julia Childs, makes babies like Kate Gosselin -- I know, let’s not get into semantics -- raises children like Marry Poppins and pleasures her man like Lil Kim, and she does it all while making six figures from home. But I must stress again…she’s not very good looking, and thus, even with all of these talents, still had to settle for an overweight, unattractive, lazy husband.

 Sooo...picture him looking like...her.

Cristiano Ronaldo - Smokin’ Hot Tease -- You want it, you want it, you can’t have it…

Christiana Ronaldo is one smoking hot babe with even smokinger body parts. The problem, not that anyone has trouble looking past it -- at her perfect breasts! -- she knows it, and she puts her own pussy on a pedestal the Gods on Mt. Olympus have to strain their necks to look up at. Her favorite game? She lets you pay for an extravagant dinner, lets you pay for Dom at the club, lets you want her more than you want Reese Witherspoon after watching Cruel Intentions, and then she gives you a kiss on the cheek and you never see her again. Bull shit Christiana; We fork out the dough, we get some mo! That ain’t new girl!

 That, but a girl...any takers?

Serena Williams… Wait… Serena is a girl? Awkward…

 Am I missing something here? Or is everyone else?

Albert Pujols - Softball player -- Dude was just born to mash balls…

A thick, ugly Latin American girl, Alberta was made fun of for most of for most of her youth. That’s until she discovered a bat in the shed behind her school. After beating down twenty some odd boys in her class, a teacher threw a cantaloupe at Alberta in an attempt to knock her out. Witnesses claim that Alberta hit the cantaloupe around 450 ft over a small well that the school used for drinking water. A few weeks later Scott Boras had Alberta in the US with a green card. In the years to come she would make Jessica Mendoza look like an attractive, subpar softball player.

Aberta makes Jessica look like a model.

Adam "Pac Man" Jones - Stripper -- Make it rain…

Amy “Ms. Pac Man” Jones always had a love for dark areas, sleezy men and poles. It’s no wonder she became a stripper. There is really not much else to say here…

Warren Sapp - Cave Dweller -- She made Precious look like Hallie Berry…

Three hundred and thirty pound women are rare and not really in demand these days. That is why after not making it onto the Biggest Loser and missing out on a movie role in the movie Precious, Warrina Sapp decided to get away from it all and move into a damp cave in a high mountain. It has been rumored that the book Where the Wild Things Are is loosely based on Warrina and that several Big Foot sightings have actually been a naked Warrina crapping in the woods.

 Warrina?

Lebron James - Receptionist -- Born to be the best…

Even in high school, it was clear to just about everyone that Lebronsha James was “The Chosen One.” She was born to be the greatest…receptionist of all time. Dropping out of high school at the age of fifteen, Lebronsha got a job as a customer service rep at Hewlett Packard and started breaking records! Fastest call resulting in positive feedback -- 2.3 seconds, most consecutive calls answered without break -- 2,094, fastest call back after dropped call, 1.4 seconds, most consecutive calls without a frustrated sigh -- 295,455,342 and counting… Lebronsha put the customer back in customer service and did it making $8.75 an hour. She is already forgotten by those who knew her.

Phil Mickleson - Porn Star -- If you got it, flaunt it…

Sitting at career day at the age of eight, Phyllis Mickleson wanted to be a fire fighter. Her teachers encouraged her with a smile, but they knew that there was only one profession for a second grader with D-cup breasts. Phyllis was going to be a porn star -- and a damn good one she would become. Known in the biz as “Lefty Breasty” for her larger left breast (HH compared to FF), Phyllis brings a friendly smile and a “not afraid to be second best” attitude to your laptop computer. Unfortunately for Phyllis she’s not the clutchest of p-stars and often chokes at the end of scenes. Oh well, she’ll get better with more experience. Let’s remember, she is only eighteen. 

If he was a girl they would be HUGE...R

Looks like these professional athletes would make some pretty special ladies. I don't think I'm alone when I say that I am extremely upset they were born men.

Next Article: Public Restroom Etiquette -- It's never okay to complement their shoes. Never.

If I Was Awesome…Who Would I be? -- Sports Edition

Sometimes I think about things. Like really think. Like nothing else matters in the world except for me and my thoughts. How do I do it? First, I wait for my parents to fall asleep. They aren’t going to understand my thinking deep thoughts. When I am positive they are asleep, I start a timer and wait for two more hours to be extra certain they have entered rem sleep and are passed the eff out. When my timer rings, I sneak out my window and sprint into the woods behind my house. How do I manage to jump from a second story window each night without hurting myself? Ha! When I was little, I convinced my parents that I needed a fire escape ladder in case there was a fire in the hallway and I couldn’t get out of my room! Where’s the fire now, bitches!

Okay. So I’ve stealthily made my way out of my house and am now sprinting through the woods. I know what you simpletons are probably thinking. Why are you sprinting though the woods, won’t that make noise? OF COURSE IT WILL MAKE NOISE! Obviously, I am sprinting because I don’t want someone to hear me sneaking! If someone hears running in the woods behind their house at one in the morning they will think it’s a bear or a wild boar, not a human, especially at the rabid pace at which I am moving!

So I finally get to John Williamson Elementary about a three hour sprint from my house-- I actually think it might be in the next state over, but I have not confirmed this. While there are closer parks to my house, they all have far less cool playground equipment. At this time at night I have the entire park all to myself, aside from a homeless man who usually tries to force intercourse on me, before passing out drunk. Now fully alone, I sit down on one of the small swings, lean back, and start to sway. Soon I am really making that lightweight child’s swing set sweat-- try saying that five times while on shrooms. I’m getting some serious air that Napoleon Dynamite himself would be proud of because I’m remembering my fundamentals.  I make sure to tuck my legs on backward swings and extend them straight in front of me on forward swings. It’s pretty damn awesome.

Anyway, when I start really getting high, I close one eye, stare up into the starlit sky with the other, and I think about what it would be like if I had my closed eye open, and my open eye closed. This takes me to a deep, deep, deep deep place where I can then ask myself the real question: “What if I was awesome? -- Sports Edition.”

Sometimes it’s cool to not be awesome, but it’s always awesome to be awesome, and who is more awesome than a professional athlete? No one! Not even you Barak Obama. I know you’re reading this! Stupid White Sox cap at the Nationals game! NOT AWESOME! SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!

So here are the eight athletes I would be if I was awesome, in order of how awesome it would be.

The Awesomeness Scale, or AS to those in the know, is a combination of eight factors:

Sport (S) - What sport do you play? How awesome is that sport?

Icon Status (IS) - Are you an icon? How many people I talk to each day know you’re awesome?

Sex Life x2 (SL) - Are you making use of your awesomeness?

World Wide Appeal (WWA) - If I say your name in Somalia will someone say, “dude is awesome!”?

Swagger x3 (SWAG) - Do you let everyone know that you are awesome? Do you make them mad? Do you make them try harder, even try to cheat…and then still beat them?

People who aren’t awesome can’t have swagger, when they try it is called being lame or being a douche. If you are awesome, you need to let your two big swaggernuts hang low! That is what being awesome is really truly about.

Awesome Consolation List -- Sports Edition

For making the consolation list an athlete gets the knowledge that he was considered, his AS, and one line to explain why he isn’t as cool as I, or he, previously thought he was. For those who didn’t make the list, look in the mirror, how is you making out for you? My guess is not all that well.

29. Georges St. Pierre - S - 5, IS - 4, SL - 3, WWA - 6, SWAG - 3 = AS - 3.75

- That Under Armour suit he wears in that commercial makes me uncomfortable.

28. Ichiro - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 2, WWA - 7, SWAG - 2 = AS - 4.375

- Maybe it’s the language barrier or could it be the fact that his wife is a two…

27. Roger Federer - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 1, WWA - 9, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.625

- She looks like a really…nice woman… I’m sure she’s nice…Yeah… nice...

26. Michael Phelps - S - 4, IS - 10, SL - 6, WWA - 8, SWAG - 4 = AS - 5.75

- If he sat next to me on the bus, I might move, nay, I would move.

 This suit also makes me more than a little bit uncomfortable.

25. Brock Lesnar - S - 5, IS - 5, SL - 5, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 5.75

- I wouldn’t climb into a ring or a bed with him. Would you?

24. Lance Armstrong - S - 3, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 10, SWAG - 5 = AS - 5.75

- It’s not not the testicle things… not not…

23. Manny Pacquiao - S - 10, IS - 6, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 6 = AS - 5.875

- You are awesome. Just in a different way…

22. Tim Lincecum - S - 10 (pitcher), IS - 7, SL - 4, WWA - 5, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.375

- Spends a little too much time hanging out with his dad. I love my dad but... Hot chicks Timmy!

21. Laird Hamilton - S - 10, IS - 3, SL - 4, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 6.5

- Could-- Should be so much higher, but the numbers do the talking.

Hey, he got a 10 for sport!

20. Sidney Crosby - S - 5, IS - 7, SL - 7, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 6.5

- For a cool guy, very punchable.

19. Dwight Howard - S - 8, IS - 7, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.5

- He wants on this list way too bad.

18. Steve Nash - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 6, SWAG - 7 = AS - 6.625

- Love this guy, but as cool guys go. He’s in the middle of the pack.

17. Adrian Peterson - S - 9, IS - 6, SL - 6, WWA - 4, SWAG - 8 = AS - 6.875

- Some people still don’t know who “All Day” AP is. I know you AP, I know you.

16. Alex Ovechkin - S - 5, IS - 6, SL - 4, WWA - 7, SWAG - 10 = AS - 7

- Unreal to watch, too bad it’s hockey. Also, he met one of his girl friend’s online. WHA?!

15. Dwyane Wade - S - 8, IS - 8, SL - 5, WWA - 7, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.125

- My favorite basketball player, but too nice of a guy. Get back up Dwyane, get back up!

14. Albert Pujols - S - 9, IS - 8, SL - 3, WWA - 7, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.125

- Have you seen his wife… Ahh… Albert? News Flash! Girls want to tell other girls that you were inside of them!

13. Rafael Nadal - S - 7, IS - 9, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.25

- Doesn’t have enough “in your face” game.

 I'm not greedy. I'd take Nadal in my awesome fantasy-life draft.

12. Evan Longoria - S - 9, IS - 5, SL - 7, WWA - 4, SWAG - 9 = AS - 7.375

- Do you mean Eva Longoria? That’s what my girlfriend said… Well, if I had one, she might have said something like that.

11. Kobe Bryant - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 5, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.5

- Does something about Kobe annoy you? You’re not alone.

Did anyone else like Kobe more when he had hair?

The Awesome Ten -- If I was awesome. These are the top ten people I would be! -- Sports Edition.

10. Tom Brady - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 7, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.75

Tom just does his thing. Easy, breezy, beautiful, Tom Brady. As far as sports go, it doesn’t get much better than football. As far as football positions go, it doesn’t get much better than quarterback. As far as quarterbacks go, it doesn’t get much better than three Super Bowl rings. As far as girlfriends go, it doesn’t get much better than Gisele. When I think “baller,” I think skills, grace, looks…I think Tom Brady. You can’t question Tom at number 10, he’s just awesome.

  If tapping that every night doesn’t get you into the top ten, there shouldn’t be a top 10

9. Alex Rodriguez - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 7, WWA - 9, SWAG - 7 = AS - 7.875

A Rod has A LOT of short comings. Fortunately for him, they weren’t what I was judging awesomeness on. A Rod has been a household name for more than a decade because… oh yeah, he’s built like Achilles, he’s the highest paid player in baseball, check-it, sports, he plays for the New York Yankees -- finally getting the fans off his back for good last season winning the playoff MVP award -- he was hooking up with Kate Hudson and (cough) Madonna (she’s an icon people, please), and lets not forget he’s best buds with The Captain (maybe a slight exaggeration).

 Okay, ARod, okay... Well, maybe not okay.

He may have cheated baseball, but he definitely didn’t cheat his way onto this list. A Rod is about as awesome as they come.

8. Lionel Messi - S - 9, IS - 4, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 8 = AS - 7.875

Eleven goals in 5 games - gets - your - dick - wet! Like soaking wet! Like Wilt Chamberlain in Jenna Haze in a Hurricane wet. That is ridiculous. You could argue that it is a more impressive feat than hitting 11 homeruns in five games. You’d be wrong, but you could argue it.

Soccer is a world wide sport. People love the other football in every country except the good ‘ole USA. Messi is arguably the best footballer in the world. Therefore he is arguable the best athlete in the world. See how I did that? How would it feel to be the best athlete in the world at 22? Pretty awesome I’d guess, and it would be awesome to feel awesome. Also, he has a model for a girlfriend, and although I am anti-girlfriend, if you have to have one, she might as well be a model and she might as well look like this…

 Uhhh... Yes, please.

7. Derek Jeter - S - 9, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 8, SWAG - 6 = AS - 7.875

The - Captain. He is the face of the greatest sports team in the US, the New York Yankees. I don’t care where you are from, including New England, you can’t honestly try and argue this. Yeah, in LA they think it’s the Lakers, in Dallas, the Cowboys, in Boston, the Red Sox, or the Patriots, or the Celtics, or BC, or anyone else but the Yankees. Everywhere else, it’s the Yankees. Derek Jeter has won five World Series titles and like a champion has managed to stay unmarried the entire time. His girlfriend list looks like the casting call for an Ocean’s movie: Mariah Carey, Former Miss Universe Lara Dutta (she’s probably not that hot though…right?), Joy Enriquez, Jordana Brewster, Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba. Why would any sports star ever get married!!! Jeter isn’t even good looking!!! (Derek, if you’re reading this I am so sorry I just said that!)

 He's no 10, that's for sure.

If Jeter would ever just swing his thick three foot schlong over his shoulder and strut around the field to accrue some better SWAG points, he’d be #1 on this list, but he won’t, and that’s part of why he’s so awesome. It just keeps him from being…the awesome-est.

6. David Beckham - S - 9, IS - 9, SL - 8, WWA - 10, SWAG - 7 = AS - 8.125

Love him or hate him, David Beckham is kind of awesome. We, America, might hate him, but he did put the MLS on the map for about 7 minutes -- Hey, Landon Donovan and Freddy Adu couldn’t do it -- What the hell happened to that dude, Freddy Adu? Wasn’t he supposed to be the next Pele? There’s still time… -- Beckham’s wife, an evil word to awesomeness, Victoria Beck, is smoking fine! Smoking hot and fine as hell at the same time. David Beckham’s abs make me want to get in shape. I stress want to. If you’re driving around with your wife and you see a billboard of David Beckham, and she doesn’t think he’s good looking. Pull over and drop her the eff off, because she is one wack ass bitch! How can you trust her to raise your child if her eye’s and brain are miss communicating so severely?

He plays a kick ass sport -- yeah, soccer kicks ass when the players are good and the games actually matter -- he is known in the US and around the world, he’s married to a Barbie doll… I’d say that’s pretty awesome. If I was awesome, I would love to be David Beckham.

 If a girl walks in and sees this, you're getting some.

5. Lebron James - S - 8, IS - 10, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.125

“The King.” He got that nickname in high school, that and “The Chosen One.” He started drawing comparisons to Michael Jordon in the third grade, I’m sure some loser said it, and he’s actually coming close to backing them up. He is simply a man, and because of that, he is the man. His numbers are a joke! He averages more assists than most point guards, more rebounds than most centers and 29.7 points a game, second in the league.

He does it all with the Swagger of… Well, of Lebron James. No one has ever had more fun playing the game. He dances before games, on the bench, jokes with fans. If he wasn’t so damn good he would be a huge swaggot -- yes, I just created this word, I guarantee you hear someone else say it in less than a month. It’s going to be HUGE…

Swaggot -  |’swag•got| (n.) A person who exhibits cocky, “look at me” behaviors that his skill level, or the game situation, do not warrant: 1.Why is that running back celebrating his one yard touchdown run with his team down 42 points? Hmmmm…maybe because he’s a swaggot? 2. Milton Bradley is a swaggot.

Boy it would be awesome to be Lebron…if he wasn’t dating a 4. Awkward…

You can't see the basket, you can't see the floor. You know it was awesome!

4. Tony Romo - S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 10, WWA - 3, SWAG - 9 = AS - 8.25

WHAT?!? Tony Romo at number four, that’s crazy! He’s not even one of the ten best players in the NFL! Well maybe that’s not what this is about, maybe, just maybe, dude is really effing awesome! Let’s play word association - Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Sophia Bush, Candice Crawford -- Girls I would pay to get with.

 That's...a game changer.

Are you serious?!?! What is awesomeness for, if not for getting hot, famous chicks? Four years ago, he was an Eastern Illinois graduate, i think he graduated, and a third string quarterback in the NFL. Now he’s the starting QB of America’s Team and the hot blonds are lining up. Talk about rags to riches!!! The kicker? He does it all with a smile on his face and a strut in his step. He loves what he does, is great at it, and KNOWS IT! Tony, I would love to be you if I was Awesome!

3. Tiger Woods - S - 6, IS - 10, SL - 9, WWA - 10, SWAG - 8 = AS - 8.5

We’ve all heard too much about how shitty Tiger Wood’s life is recently, let’s look at the positives. He is married to a fox. Elin is smoking hot, she was a model, she still could be. While married to her, he has still been getting with every other decent looking woman he sees. Sounds pretty sweet to me. Whether you believe he shouldn’t have been doing it, he shouldn’t have gotten caught, or everything is peachy. What it has done is really put Tiger Woods on the map in Laos, Bangladesh and Estonia, the three countries with people who didn’t know who he was already. (side note: I believe that he shouldn’t have done it, but if no one knows about it, it’s like it’s not actually happening.)

As much as you hate Tiger, by my grading system, he’s pretty awesome. Golf is a pretty great sport, Tiger is an icon everywhere in the world, his sex life is more than legit, maybe not anymore, but…he’s bigger than his sport and has no one to thank except himself, and maybe Steve Williams and Butch Harmon, but really just himself, and I hate thanking people so that’s a definite plus.

Currently, maybe not that awesome, but if I was awesome a few years ago, or a few years in the future, I’d be Tiger.

 I don't know about current Tiger, but this Tiger... Living the good life.

2. Usain Bolt - S - 10, IS - 8, SL - 4, WWA - 9, SWAG - 11 = AS - 8.5

Really? A sprinter? That’s not that cool. Wrong. Fastest Man Alive is one of the coolest titles there is along with Best Halo Player and Best Beirut Shot. Can you imagine being Usain Bolt at a high school party that is getting busted by the cops? He would be pulling away from cop cars on foot! That is awesome.

I notice I gave him an 11 for Swag. That’s weird, I thought it was out of 10. It was, and then Usain Bolt changed things in the Olympics, on the biggest stage, by high stepping to a world record in the 100 meter and then showboating before the 200m and smashing Michael Johnson’s unbreakable world record. No one is better at what they do by as much as Usain Bolt. Michael Phelps has a lot of Olympic bling, but he had help from teammates and the luck of that average dude who’s married to Marisa Miller. Phelps wasn’t blowing people away, he was edging them out by hundredths of seconds. Bolt makes other world class sprinters look like they are standing still. He pulls away like no one we’ve ever seen and he flaunts it. He is known all over the world and even though he’s dating a suspect honey…I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt that relationships are more laid back in Jamaica man. It would best super awesome to be Usain "The Bolt" Bolt.

 'nuff said.

Finally, the number one person it would be awesome to be, if I was awesome…

1. Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro -- S - 9, IS - 7, SL - 8, WWA - 9, SWAG - 10 = AS - 8.875

I just lost a lot of friends, but the numbers don’t lie. Sometimes when people hate you it’s because you suck, other times it’s because they are jealous and want to be you. If you don’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo you better be in the top ten of this list. Sorry to pick on Michael Phelps, but if Michael Phelps doesn’t want to be Cristiano Ronaldo, he’s an idiot. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid footballer ever, he must be top 10 in the world looks wise, is only 25, is known everywhere, and every time you see a picture of him there is a beautiful woman on his arm. EVERY FREAKING TIME!

Please tell me what this guy doesn’t have? The love and affection of every single person in the world? Good, I want to be a bad boy. Would you rather be Payton Manning or Tony Romo? Take your Super Bowl ring and close nit family, Payton, I’ll take Candice Crawford. Being awesome is about being awesome, it’s about making people want to be you, not making friends. I’m not picking someone I want to lead my family in prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, that’s a no brainer, it’s Tim Tebow. I’m picking someone who I wouldn’t let my daughter near, who I wouldn’t feel 100% comfortable being friends with, who makes me think that God doesn’t actually spend the same amount of time on all of us. Maybe I’m just a nice guy and I’ll never be awesome, but out on that swing set at four in the morning, swinging way higher than is safe for a grown ass man to swing, thinking about what it would be like and who I would be if I was awesome. I think about Cristiano Ronaldo because simply put, dudes the shit.

Making straight dudes on swing sets everywhere question their sexuality.

If you think anyone was left off this list, I don’t care what you think, because you’re not awesome. You’re not out there every night on that swing set busting your ass to swing higher than ever before. So you don’t get a damn vote!

Porn Stars and Fantasy Baseball: It's All Just A Fantasy

Judging your preseason fantasy team is a lot like sitting on your bed talking with a fully clothed porn star. You like what you see, you're excited about the future, but does it really make any sense? You've done the research, you've drafted your team and now you want to fuck it. That's why we play the game, right? But you also have your doubts. You've played fantasy before, but never in this league. These guys have played a lot of fantasy sports. They've done things, made trades, that you didn't think were possible. Graphic, flat out disrespectful 4 for 1 deals that caused you to close your computer and sit in absolute darkness for hours wondering if it was even worth going on knowing that one manager could take on four huge players like that. Questions flood your brain. What if Josh Hamilton doesn't bounce back? What if Lela Star doesn't actually get tested every week? What if Roy Halladay doesn't transition well to the National League? What if I go black and really do never want to go back? What if Steven Strasburg doesn't make it to the majors this year? He's soooo good! What if Tori Black is actually only 17? She's soooo hot! What if Carlos Pena can't bring up his average? What if I can't get it up? It's nerve racking. I know. But nothing has happened yet. What you are doing makes no sense. All that matters is how it ends.


So how should we spend the last week before the season begins? Doing something that does make sense of course. Comparing my fantasy team to their porn star complements -- So you can really visualize how great my team is going to be.

Catcher: Miguel Montero aka Keri Sable

Montero and Sable might not be Frat House names yet, but they're poised for a big year!

Let's get one thing straight. These are both top tier catchers. Montero has been waiting for a full time job since his monster 2005 season at Single A Lancaster and last year when Chris Snyder went down, he got it. Boy did he deliver hitting .294 with 16 home runs and 59 RBI. Imagine what he'll do in a full season. The same can be said for Ms. Sable. No longer doubting that the industry is the right place for her, a weight has been lifted and we can expect BIG things in her this year.


First Base: Adrian Gonzalez aka Zafira

In different markets these could be top ten picks.

Elite talent trapped in small markets (sigh). Adrain Gonzalez hit 40 home runs and drove in 99 runs last year hitting in one of the weakest lineups in recent memory. He was walked 119 times! That's more than Albert Pujols! He'll be solid, but if he ever gets traded...watch out. Similarly Zafira is a stone cold hottie, but she's done everyone she can do in Hungary. It's time for a move to LA to show the world what she can really do, and to meet me of course. A change of scenery is the only thing holding these two unreal, all natural talents back from superstardom!

Second Base: Dustin Pedroia aka Lela Star

Don't let their size fool you. They are two of the best.

5'9" and 5'1" they are two of the smallest players in their fields, but what they lack in size they make up for below, and above, their breast plates. Pedroia has won both the AL Rookie of the Year and the AL MVP. Star brought home the 2007 Adam Film World Guide Award for Best Latin Starlet and is looking to cash in again this year at the AVN Awards for Best All-Girl Group Sex Scene -- She deserves it. Trust me! They may be diminutive, but their future success could not loom larger.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez aka Jenna Jameson

You have to give them credit. They were willing to do whatever it took to get on top.

If you compare a 1997 picture of Alex Rodriguez with a 2010 one, you might not even realize you’re looking at the same person. If you do the same with Jenna Jameson, I guarantee you won’t! But that’s the business they work in and who are we to judge? They are the best at what they do. Don't tell me about Pujols and Haze being better right now. I don't care! These are icons, brand names, legends. Surgery, steroids, more surgery,  more steroids, they did it all, and you know what? It worked. They got to the top. A Rod is still a top 3 pick and Jenna is still a top 3 late night option. There are no ifs with these two. They are going to deliver top-of-the-line performances night in and night out and for that I will not apologize!

Shortstop: Derek "The Captain" Jeter aka Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy

It's rare when an athlete gets bigger than his sport, but these two have.

A lot of baseball players have injected steroids into their bodies and a lot of porn stars have injected fat into their penises. I don't really care. That said, if I found out that Derek Jeter had used steroids I would stop watching baseball and if I found out that Ron Jeremy had plumped up his penis I would stop having sex. These men are above their sports and with that comes a lot of responsibility. How are they handling it? I'd say pretty well. Jeter has won five World Series titles and made 10 All Star teams, and Ron was recently ranked number one on AVN's "Top 50 Porn Stars of All Time List." Oh, he also has a 9.75 inch penis. Jeter's you ask? I can't confirm anything, but I'm guessing around 8.25.

Outfield: Chris B. Young, Juan Rivera and Josh Hamilton aka Sasha Gray

They might not make you sweat right now, but just wait until mid-season.

Sasha Gray isn't your typical "Girlfriend Experience" and my outfield isn't your typical "fantasy experience" -- Outfield is supposed to be your strength not your weakness. A lot of teams have issues, my outfield has more. Drug addictions, weight problems, injuries, failing to meet expectation, you name it we got it. But just like Sasha Gray, my guys are willing the battle each and every obstacle thrust towards their face with the upmost dignity and class. Three, four, even five obstacles, no problem. Prepare to be amazed.

You probably don't get a boner when you look at Sasha Gray, I'm hoping that you don't get one when you look at my outfield, but by mid-season a mere glimpse at my outfield is going to give you a full on rager the likes of which a Viagra customer service rep has never seen.




Designated Hitter: Vladimir Guerrero aka Lexington Steele

 When Vladdy or Lexington find a hole...they can do serious damage.

Though they may be getting on in years, these Hall of Famers still yield two of the biggest sticks in the game, and they aren’t afraid to swing them. Vladdy has a career batting average of .322, has hit 407 home runs, has been invited to 8 All Star games and won the 2004 AL MVP award, and he’s never worn a batting glove. From 2000-2004 Lexington starred in 500 movies and slept with 1,200 women, in 2003 he became the first Male actor to win the AVN Male Performer of the Year Award three time, he has an 11 inch cock, and is rumored to have never worn a condom because the don’t make condoms for horses. Although these two athletes may be on the decline, I’m sure they both still have a few hits left in those bats of theirs.

Starting Pitcher: Tim Lincecum aka Jenna Haze

Just Filthy!

The Freak and a freak, Tim Lincecum and Jenna Haze have taken the extraordinary and made it common place. They are simply put the filthiest around. In the past two seasons Tim Lincecum has gone 33-12 recording 526 strikeouts and posting an ERA of 2.55. He has won both NL Cy Young Awards and is the first fantasy pitcher off the board in all drafts. In the past two years Jenna Haze has done...quite frankly a lot of stuff I don't feel comfortable talking about. But for her work she received the 2009 AVN Award for Female Performer of the Year, a huge honor as I'm sure you all know. We can only pray that these juggernauts can stay at the top of their game and provide us with entertainment for years to come.


Who knows how my fantasy team will do this year? Who knows if their porn star equivalents will fall out of the spotlight? (I do, they won't because they are unbelievable hot) What I do know is that it isn't worth wasting your time thinking or blogging about. I personally have more important things to do...