Five Girls I Wouldn’t Fight At A Bar If They Spit In My Drink

 Let’s be clear on one thing. I’m not not fighting these girls because “it’s the right thing to do” or because “I’m above that.” I’m not fighting them because I would get my ass knocked in, and that’s saying something- I can bench 155 four times with only slight assistance from three spotters.

These are the kind of girls who get picked before most of the guys at your neighborhood pickup football game and the general consensus is, “smart pick.” These girls put the thigh in thyroidectomy, the calf in caffeine and the huge in that’s a huge bitch! If you marry one of these women, you change your last name, you buy a closet full of nice skirts, because only one of you can wear pants, and you start memorizing the phrase “You’re right, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, sir.”

There are myriad reasons a woman can scare you into a state of fecal abstinence. I concentrate on five of them: Physical make-up - she is scary as hell; Attitude - girl has a bad attitude; Visual Evidence - I have seen her do things I don’t want done to me; Powerful - does she know people who know people who could make your life suck; and Nothing To Lose - does she have any shame?

Okay, in order of how long my hospital stay would be if I foolishly asked why they were such a jerk…

Five Girls I Wouldn’t Fight At A Bar If They Spit In My Drink

Physical Make-Up

How To Tell: Look at her, is she scary as hell?

A lot of girls scare the crap out of me, but physically I know that I could at least hold my own with most of them. Bev Francis would beat me down school yard brawl style. By this I mean that most women have to be crafty, pull hair, bite, spit in your eye, but Bev would punch me in the face until my crying stopped and she knew I was unconscious.

 Bev doesn't get bossed around very often...

I’ll be the bigger man here and say that I actually find some female body builders pretty attractive. Not in an, I want to marry her way, or even in an, I would love to share a hotel room with her for seven minutes way. It’s simply in a spur of the moment, she’s kind of hot way, but then when my buddy says “What? Are you serious?” I backpedal and say no in an, I’m a bitch way.

When a girl is this big and this strong she is way scarier than a man of the same build. If a huge guy beats the snot out of you, your friends carry you out of the club to safety, you tell your co-workers they should see the other guy, you remind your children once a week that their daddy could really take a punch. If Bev smacks you around it’s on youtube the next day, your kids don’t respect you because you were beat up by a girl -- showing them a picture of Bev will only partly solve your problem -- and most importantly, you lose something intangible that all guys who have never been beat up by a girl have, the belief that they could never get beat up by a girl.

This one’s a no brainer, if Bev wants to go, I’m saying no.

Attitude

How To Tell: When people ask you if she’s bi-polar, do you have to think about it? Mostly considering whether or not she’s ever not a psycho?

You and your buddies ever stand around watching a girl scream at her friends or boyfriend and say, “girls got a bad attitude!” Well I hope to God you don’t say that too loud if you’re talking about Tiffany Pollard AKA New York… Yes, I’m talking about New York from the show I Love New York.

Tick... tick... tick... tick... BOOM!

Let me tell you something, sister could flip her shit. It all started on The Flavor Of Love 2 when she was down to the final two girls fighting for Flavor Flav’s love -- Yeah, at first I thought they were fighting for their freedom as well, turns out they actually “wanted” to be with him -- during a verbal argument the other finalist spit in her face and NY lost it… well, it’s unfair to say that she lost it because that implies that she had it at some point and I really can’t confirm that, but she went nutszo, hitting, pulling hair, cursing. The scary thing is wondering when she would have stopped had she not been pulled away. I mean, general behavioral code didn’t stop her, the video cameras didn’t stop her, let’s say no one had stepped in? Does she kill her? Probably not, but can we really be sure?

If after witnessing this, you had the pleasure of watching I Love NY, you realized that this freak out wasn’t an anomaly, she got violently mad all the time. Like my mother, New York did not handle adversity well. If you looked at her wrong, said the wrong thing, didn’t do what she wanted, she might lose it, she might not, but she might, and it’s the not knowing for sure that makes it all the scarier.

People with attitude will start shit and are usually just crazy enough to finish it. Not only am I not fighting back against NY, I’m not going anywhere near her.

Visual Evidence

How To Tell: Have you seen her kick someone else’s ass?

Gina Carano thought she was kind of a big deal. She was undefeated in UFC and smoking hot. Then Cris “Cyborg” Santos smashed her face in! If you meet a girl, her nickname is Cyborg, and she’s cool with that nickname, run, because there is a serious mental issue going on that you don’t want any part of.

 You can't see Cyborg very well, but... I think you get the point. -- She's the one doing the smashing if you're slow.

I’m all for not respecting what other people say, I’m all for not respecting other people in general, but when I watch a person knock someone out and then continue to pummel her lifeless face until other people pull her off…I respect that in a… I don’t want to mess with you way, an I don’t want you to end my life way, an I don’t care what you do to me, I will not fight you way.

Important Reminder: Running is only pussy if you had a chance of winning if you’d stayed.

Powerful

How To Tell: Was she a major reason the last President got elected?

There is one woman out there who has more pull than a carriage of pack mules, more say than a clique of gossipy popular middle school girls -- unpopular girls rarely gossip -- and more do than Manuel Ferrara. She is the only celebrity out there who doesn’t just go by one name, she goes by one letter, O. A man once took Oprah’s parking spot, he has sentenced to three years in country. If he had bumped into her? Let’s just say he’d be praying it didn’t happen in Texas..

 If you've never seen this woman, you're blind.

Oprah is a God to women; most believe that the New Testament was written because Oprah didn’t like the old one. What Oprah says is law, so with the odds already stacked against me, if Oprah told all the women out there not to sleep with me, I’d have to take up goat-banging, and that gets old fast.

What Oprah wants, Oprah gets, and if Oprah wants to spit in my drink, I’ll take one loogie on the rocks, please.

Nothing To Lose

How To Tell: If a naked picture of her taking a dump on the floor surfaced on the internet, would it change anything? Is this picture probably already circulating?

First rule of fighting, you don’t fight someone with nothing to lose. That is why I would never fight Lindsey Lohan-- also she could be fighting for coke money and when you’re fighting for coke money, you don’t lose! Lindsey Lohan used to be Paul Rudd with a vagina, EVERYONE LIKED HER! She was cute in The Parent Trap and then hot in Mean Girls, but more importantly she was just super likable. At this point I wouldn’t have wanted to fight her, but forced to, I can safely assume I would have introduced her to what I like to call a fist induced twenty minute pavement siesta.

 This Lohan, no problem, wouldn't last 3 rounds.

Then something happened, I don’t know if it was the partying, the stardom, her home life -- we know there are issues there -- maybe it was that South Park episode about gingers, whatever it was, she crashed hard, Dewey Cox hard. Lohan has been to AA several times, Wonderland Rehad Center, got a DUI, was arrested for cocaine possession. A lot has to be going wrong for you to voluntarily allow authorities to fit you with a Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring (SCRAM) bracelet, a lot.

 

If you'd fight this girl, you're crazy

So she’s weak, right? How wrong you are if you think that. When you’re at the bottom, you’re dangerous. While fighting, if a girl’s shirt is ripped off, she'll forget about fighting and cover up, not Lohan. Lindsey won’t pause for a single second. When you have nothing to lose, things are different, you don’t care about anything but victory. You don’t shake hands after this fight, it’s kill or be killed, and since I’m not really down to kill or to be killed… I’m going to have to pass.

If Lindsey’s pupils are large, she’s in charge

There you have it. I hope this opens some eyes to the fact that maybe it’s alright to get your ass kicked by a girl. Not only is it uncool for you to fight back or punch them in the tits, but some girls are really crazy. Sorry, I misspoke, all girls are really crazy, other girls are really crazier. Personally, I wouldn’t mess with any of them.

Next Post: Two hundred and thirty-six ways to disarm a nuclear bomb with a twinkie and a cabbage patch kid.

2010 NBA Free Agency: It Just Kind Of Makes Sense

If I could be a fly on the wall, I would spend a lot of time at the Playboy Mansion, but when I was bored of that-- rather, one Sunday a year when my man parts were chafed beyond recognition, I would head out and do other things. What would I do this year? I would go sit in on this NBA Free Agent Pow-wow I’m hearing so much about.

How many guys do you think are hiding in closets and under beds in this place?

Party Host: Dwyane Wade

Invited guests: LeBron James, Joe Johnson

People who invited themselves like that kid you weren’t really friends with in elementary school: Chris Bosh

People who got the nod as soon as they lost in the Playoffs: Amar’e Stoudamire

People who should be invited, but aren’t… as of now: Carlos Boozer, Dirk Nowitzki

 I'm guessing this guy throws a fun party

These are the seven top tier free agents, how they rank, and which fictional superstar they are most like:

1. LeBron James - The single greatest free agent of all time --  Superman -- Go dunk hard Dwight Howard, LeBron is the Superman of this free agent class.

2. Dwyane Wade - Franchise changer --  Batman -- He’s the man, but he’s human.

3. Dirk Nowitzki - 7’1” and so pure. -- James Bond -- Can you imagine him as a second option? That’s like James Bond teaming up with Sherlock Holmes. Yes please.

4. Chris Bosh - Real solid 20-10 guy, but just not a guy I like claiming as my main man --  The Hulk -- Don’t want him playing charades at my dinner party.  Maybe it’s just me.

5. Carlos Boozer - Deron Williams is a championship quality point guard, which means… Boozer isn’t a championship big man… or it just means that the Lakers are mad good -- Cyclops -- Yeah…but I want more.

6. Amar’e Stoudemire - Obviously a good player, but let me let you in on a little secret; Nash made him what he is! -- Robin -- he’ll fight the goons as Batman battles the King Pin.

7. Joe Johnson - Does what a role player could do, slightly better, for 15x as much loot --  Kick-Ass -- Call me old fashioned, but please just send a cop.

 The Hulk has issues taking constructive criticism

Okay, two teams, the Knicks and the Heat, can afford two max contracts-- Wade would of course count as one of the Heat’s if he chose to stay. Several other teams can afford one: the Wizards, Timberwolves, Clippers, Nets, Bulls. The only way for three or more of these players to wind up on the same team is if they decide to take less money and try to do something special… ha ha ha-- I crack myself up some times. Money is status. You think LeBron is willing to make less than Wade? Less than Amar’e? Less than Joe Johnson? I could see Bosh or Wade doing it, but if no one else is? Let’s be realistic here, we’re not seeing three of these guys on any team.

So how is it going to shake out? Only one way to figure it out. We need to think like an NBA player. Step 1: Bludgeon yourself in the temple with a hammer or other blunt object. (Reason - Most NBA players didn’t go to college, many didn’t pay attention in High School… We’re turning it down a notch… mentally.) Step 2: Sleep with seven smoking hot babes in one night without wearing a condom. Make sure not to think for a single second that there is anything remotely wrong with what you are doing. (Reason - If you’re an NBA superstar, you’re the man. Don’t you ever forget that.) Step 3: Take some crack. (Reason - You want to speed up the decision making process so you can bone the seven other girls who are currently locked in your closet…not that you need to lock them in your closet…you just do what you want. Yeah.)

 Dwayne Bowe called them "imports." I call them sluts.

Okay so… THUD… YES YES YES YES YES YES YES (one for each girl…I mean woman) and Hhhhhhhhhhhh… OKOKOKOKOK Let’s do this, I have things to do…I mean women.

Why the hell would anyone want to play in Minnesota? Chicago is cool. Miami has hotter women. Should I have loyalty to the team I play for now?  New York is the largest market. LA has more celebrities. Will John Wall be better than Derek Rose? Do the fans have loyalty to me when my shot’s off and we get blown out? Did I forget to flush the toilet? Why would anyone play for the Clippers when Jack Nicholson roots for the Lakers? The Nets new owner rubs me the wrong way. The Timberwolves literally have nothing to offer. Wait a second; I’m still on the toilet. I can play with a friend in NY or Miami. Three of us could play together if I take less mo-- F*ck that. The other guys should take less money. I’m paying a lot of child support here. Wait a second! This isn’t a toilet, it’s a bath tub! You think LeBron is better looking than me? Dirk seems a little off, I don’t think he’d make a great wingman. Is Boozer a Mormon now? If I take a shower do I still have to wipe?

You do.

And…he passes out alone… I’ll take it from here. No hammer, no girls, slightly less crack.

As cool as it sounds, LeBron and Wade can’t play with each other. They can’t. They are both at their best with the ball in their hands. As awesome as it plays out in our minds, it wouldn’t work.

The best possible teammates are LeBron/Dirk or Wade/Dirk-- interesting how Dirk is the player in both. Unfortunately, Cuban is by far the best owner (he's fun and he goes for it every year), so Dirk re-signs-- Also, doesn’t Dirk have some troubled lover in Dallas he needs to take care of?

 Dirk stays.

Joe Johnson does the work of Anthony Parker or Daequan Cook for a boatload more money. Being the “best player” in Atlanta, he always has the ball, playing with LeBron or Wade he becomes Rashard Lewis -- A HUGE WASTE OF MONEY! He’s out!

So Wade and LeBron -- see how I switched the order of their names to share the respect -- have to choose a big man they can win with, or LeBron can return home to a half decent supporting cast. No, I won’t have that. LeBron is leaving Cleveland, but for where? He is leaving so that he can be the greatest basketball player of all time, not so he can be the second best Chicago Bull ever. LeBron going to Chicago would be moronic. He’s smarter than that… I think… I hope… Not to mention that LeBron needs the ball in his hands and so does Rose. Give me LeBron, a quick  PG and SG who can shoot, a hustling, scrappy PF and a good to great C and you have a dynasty. LeBron is confused, what he does know is that he is too cool to look desperate, he waits…

Wade, Amar’e and Bosh seem to be the guys who are really into this, two of these guys will play together. Bosh is better than Amar’e, but other people don’t seem to realize this because Amar’e’s (that doesn’t look right) dunks are harder-- I do find his dunks impressive, don’t get me wrong, but they are set up by Nash and any power forward can dunk. So what should be a very formidable Batman and Hulk dynamic duo in Miami turns into Batman and Robin, and we all know how that turns out- I didn’t see Robin in The Dark Knight… MIAMI is happy, and should be, but not as happy as they are.

 Did Robin demand a speaking role? Stupid.

So what is NY left to work with? Bosh, Johnson, and Boozer, and oh, LEBRON. LeBron steps up and says I want to be the man, and teamed with Chris Bosh and point guard Sergio Rodriguez (my sleeper Steve Nash for three years now) they will be the perennial favorites to win it all. NY wins BIG!

 I could dig on this for realz!

So who is left? Joe Johnson and Boozer. Boozer goes to the Nets, and with Lopez (I can’t believe both of these Stanford psychos are actually good NBA players) and Harris they are actually all right. As for Joe Johnson…every GM in the league reads this entry and is like, "this kid has a point." He ends up signing a 10 day contract with the Timberwolves a week before the season. Obviously in the mean time he found where I lived and broke both my legs.

Rudy Gay to the Clippers. He’s not on the list and the Clippers aren’t worth talking about (they may be next year…) so it works out nicely.

It's a huge year and no matter what happens there are going to be some fireworks. We can only hope and pray that LeBron and Wade change teams because come on, that's just more exciting that way. We've seen what Miami and Cleveland are like. I want to see them in some new jerseys.